i keep trying to change to make him happy

[me again]

i have a major problem with jealousy and control issues but i have also made great strides in both in controling them both.

 

still i find myself at times doing some deep controling things and getting out of control with my jealousy but denying it all the time to my b'f because i do not want him to know the extent of my jealousy so at times i can literally play it off.

 

i keep going back and forth and i don't know why or what on earth possesses me to do this at times. we have been together for several years this way and i have tried all these years to keep things in check and i either succeed or i don't, it cant just be one way or the other.

 

my question is, since i seem to hurt him more then i am able to help control myself, i think he would be better off without me. when i do manage to control my jealousy or control my controling he praises me for doing so but the next time when i get out of hand, he severely punishes me with harsh statements about it. this deeply hurts to the point that i feel that maybe it would be in his best interest and or mine as well to leave the relationship as to give him back his freedom.

 

any other suggestions instead short of running away, because i am tired of running away from everything in my life which is so par for the course for me.

[Bill]

You should probably seek counseling if this is a major issue with you. You would not be here if you could have made a change in yourself. You need to change before you lose your relationship entirely. Do something before it is too late.

[TM7]

Whether you are with this man, or someone else, the problem is yours. You know this so you are halfway to conquering this.

 

I think that the next step for you is some personal counseling/therapy to identify why and address those issues. It's apparently beyond your ability, and your bf's, to help you.

 

It's nothing to be ashamed of, or worried about. We all need help sometimes, and that help is best if it comes from someone who is not connected to you in any way other than professional. A good doctor or therapist will be able to see things that you don't and give you some tools for dealing with this.

 

Congratulations on knowing this about yourself - knowing it and admitting it to youself is a BIG step in the right direction.

 

Seek some counseling from a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist. Get a good physical too to make sure there is nothing physically wrong that could be adding to, or causing this. It might be something fairly simple and short-term therapy is all you need.

[me again]

i am going to start tomorrow to look into some counseling, but my income is so very limited and i have already checked with the mental health center and all they have open is group counseling for various things and my problem is not one of them, darnit.

mostly i have a control problem that shows up in a lot of the jealousy issues.

 

i do not act jealous or otherwise is not noticed i always come across as very controling, and i am so sick of myself.

today i found out i have to work on sunday, we were going to go to a baseball sunday at 1:05 p.m. but i have to now work from 11:00 -6:00 p.m. so obvioulsy i can not go.

 

i feel slighted that he is still going to go without me, after all he bought the tickets for "us" to go, not him and his friend or him and his brother.

 

i am not jealous in this case but i do not like the fact that he will be going and drinking and my not being able to control the situation with that or anything that may go on at the game.

 

so my way to deal with it was/is to guilt trip him sorta and do the pout thing. i hate acting this way! i want to be mature and grown up acting and say "honey, go and have fun, have some nachos for me while your at it".

 

but instead what comes out is a sulk, so he wont go, isn't that a form of control.? or not?

that is only one example of it all.

[moimeme]

In this instance, you sound very spoiled. You can't enjoy the benefit, but you don't want anybody else to, either. What ought your boyfriend do when you're at work? Sit at home and pine for you? At least he's not going with another woman.

 

You can try putting yourself in his place. If it were you who had the tickets and he had to work, would you waste the money and just sit home or would you want to go with your friends since he'd be working anyway? Do you think you're being nice to him to want him to miss out on some fun because you're not able to go?

 

It's hard to tell from this one example, but it sounds as though you base your decisions on what you want rather than thinking about what can make him happy. If that is the case, you need to do some work on you to be more generous of spirit.

Of course, if that isn't the problem and if you are even more controlling than this, then for sure you need to get some sort of counselling.

[me again]

this is what my problem is. i do not mean to be spoiled or selfish, or anything, it just comes out as being controling or something and that is what i came here for. i am trying to find an answer or some way to figger out what drives me to behave in such a manner.

 

if it were me, i would not go, i would much rather go with him, then anyone else, i would not have as much fun with someoen else as i would with him, so i know i would not go at all.

 

i am not stopping him from going, mind you, he will go if he so chooses to go, but first i had to act this way, then i give in, begrudgingly.

 

yes i know it is not right, and i do not sit down and make myself do or act this way, it just happens and it seems to control me instead of my being able to control myself.

 

i am looking for some counseling but i have to pay for it somewhere else now cause i can't get it at the health center unless i want to do group counseling for other things that just do not apply to my situation.

 

thanks for the reply.