Complicated sex life is ruining relationship for me.

[Man_in_Black]

I've been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now. We generally don't have any problems and right now, I feel we are both happy in all respects, apart from our sex life.

 

It's never been particularly normal. I'm a VERY kinky sort of man and will try anything once, and have a very strong love of certain sex acts. She, on the otherhand, is the opposite. Not willing to try anything really other than what she's always felt comfortable with, and being nothing short of disgusted with some of my fetishes.

Still, I've lived with that, accepted that we're somewhat incompatable sex partners, but are great in all other areas and thus, been happy over the past 5 years.

 

I'll go into more detail on what our current sex life is at the moment. A usual sex session is made up off some basic foreplay (kissing, breast fondling, fingering) and intercourse in the missionary position, and then her on top. 99% of the time she will orgasm once or twice (just so you know she is finding pleasure in it).

Really, to me, that's a little boring, but I've learned to accept that's good enough considering we have sex 4 or 5 times a week. You'll notice though, that there is no foreplay on her part (no hand jobs, blow jobs or any basic initiation). Again though, I can live with that.

Now and again, maybe 1 sex session or week, things will be a bit more kinkier. "Her thing" is roleplay, and I'm happy to oblige. We'll act almost anything and as long as the actual sex stays "normal", shes happy. She enjoys acting "rape" fantasies especially. We would also usually indulge in some more adventurous positions (spooning, doggy etc).

All this was more than enough to keep my satisfied really, and I wasn't complaining.

 

I suppose what defines how "kinky" our sex is is how horny she is. Or drunk. A few times these past months we've gotten very drunk together and I've found myself being able to indulge in more kinkier acts because she's less inhibited. This is usually all anal play. Anal licking and anal fingering (her recieving I mean). The following morning I'd be unsure if she'd actually remembered what happened, but I know I could.

Anyway, a few nights ago we're having sex and although she hadn't had anything to drink, she appeared very horny and so I began to caress her anus. She stopped me and confessed to me that she really liked the fingering and the licking (I guess she did remember) and asked me if I would go down on her "there", though also mentioned that she's very embarrased by the act and insisted I not mention it to her outside the bedroom.

 

Still, I was very happy the following morning and few days. Estatic even. Not at all because I knew I'd be performing the act more, but because she'd had the courage to admit she liked a sex act she didn't feel very comfortable with. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but this is a first. I was so proud of her.

It came at a good time too. Although she still gets very horny sometimes, the "adventurous" positions had stopped because she said they caused pain and insisted we only have sex in the missionary position/her on top. This was quite a blow. I know I said I'd excepted her lack of kinkiness, but it's very frustrating sometimes. So as you can imagine, her telling me she wants me to perform anilingus more often was quite a relief.

 

And then last night, things turned for the worst. She accused me of mentioning the fact she liked anilingus too many times (admitedly, I had, twice the previous day. I accept I did wrong, but as a said, I was very happy and excited, and I never mentioned it in a degrading way or anything). She snapped at me and said she takes back what she said, she doesn't like the act anymore, and insists I never attempt to perform it.

This struck me hard. Again, not because I won't be performing the act, but because she's so pathetically embarrased by a minor, common and "normal" sex act that she would forgoe experiencing it, even though she likes it.

 

We haven't really talked since due to work, but I'm in quite a state. Her confession had undone my dissapointment with our sex life, and I was happy. Now I almost hate her, especially since it's so hard to talk about these things with her. Even normal sex acts shouldn't really be discussed outside of the bedroom.

Anyway, it's all hit me hard. You can see that my sex life with her is often a complete bore and this has just pushed me over the edge. I don't know what to do. I have a strong desire right now to go out and bang a prostitute in the mouth and a** (of course, something I'll never let myself do). It's really getting to me now and I'm not sure I can go on with such a stale sex life.

How can I talk to her about this? How can I change everything?

 

Sorry for such a long read, hope someone will dedicate some of there time to me. Thanks

[Bobby NoBrains]

Obviously you and her are different people regarding sexual activities. She obviously has a lot of conditioning against kinky forms of sex, and your impatience isn't helping the situation any. The fact that she was able to break it that one time was a big step for her, but you blew it by making her feel cheap about it. I know it was not your intention, it was your sexual excitement, but that's what happened because of her own conditioning.

 

In the long run, either you learn to be patient with her and just hope that things improve, otherwise admit that you two are not sexually compatible and live with it. Maybe over time she could lose some of her inhibitions and become a little more adventurous, or maybe she won't. However, pushing her where you want to go is not a solution, it will only create deeper problems in the relationship.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Sooshaboo]

Hey, ive always thought sex is important, and although over the years its importance fades a bit, still, think if it makes u unhappy that much u should questiion whether u can live with this long term. but id say that unless she was raised in a monastery bjs and handjobs are a must, ur missing out! so while its not too late, go find someone who will love giving u pleasure!!

[Krytie TV]

I'm torn. You're in a tough spot, but one that you admit getting yourself into. This has been going on for 5 years, what made you think it was suddenly going to change?

 

I think her reaction of taking back what she said and refusing to do it again was very... adolescent (no offense to her). It sounds like she's just generally immature and inhibited, and these are not things that are easy to break through. My hunch is that sooner or later, the impetus will be on you to either accept her position wholly, or move on. You're in a tough spot sexually, as was I with my ex-wife. You have the luxury of foresight to make an educated decision on how to proceed. She just seems to fragile to imagine her changing.

[norajane]

Have you ever talked to her about how she feels about sex? I don't mean specific acts, but in general? If she can start talking about why she believes it to be dirty and embarrassing, you might come closer to calming her fears. Also, if she can talk about why she's ok with certain things - why missionary doesn't make her feel dirty, for example - maybe you can help her see that other ways of having sex are equally as valid and not dirty. Like, maybe she doesn't feel as close to you if you're spooning, so perhaps there is something you can do during - like stopping to kiss her or something, that can make her feel better.

 

Some people are raised that way, some have religious taboos they're dealing with, some were molested or hurt, or any combination.

 

I think it's odd that she said she experiences pain in any other position than missionary - that seems like a lie she's telling you to avoid anything other than missionary.

 

If you can't be open with each other in talking about sex, there's no way you will get to a point that you can be open in exploring sex beyond the current boundaries she's set up.

[Kazan]

you're having sex five times a week, shut the hell up

 

some months i've been lucky to have sex five times in a month with my wife

[michaelk]

This is really tough. If she wasn't enjoying herself, I'd say you need to take some time and help her learn how to do so. But not only is she climaxing, she now admits that she likes something that's not just 'plain vanilla'. So it's not that she's not capable of enjoying a more diverse sex life - she just won't let herself.

 

Either you need to help her learn how to relax and let go (without booze), or you have to resign yourself to the fact that this is as good as it's going to get.

 

Having spent many years in a plain-vanilla situation myself, and setting aside my own sexual desires, I can tell you that if she can't change, it's going to take a toll on your marriage. And when things get really bad, she may finally wake up and realize she can change. But don't count on it. Just as likely, that will be the end of things.