marsbars Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 The agony of doing nothing is worse than the loss of my wife. We separated almost 3 months ago after 12 years. We have been through a nasty custody fight already and the papers are filed. But the situation has changed. Right now the divorce is on hold for the moment. She has agreed to seek some therapy with me. We have also started to do some individual therapy. We have our first session together next week. It has been killing me to have to sit her idle. I just want to get going on working on things. But I know that she needs to not be pushed. We have a 4 y/o daughter that is caught in the middle of all this. She desparately wants us to get back together. What child wouldn't? I get our daughter on the weekends and she can't wait till daddy picks her up. She drives her mother crazy during the week. I have asked my W to come over for dinner with us when the weekend is over and she turns me down every time. Says that she doesn't want to confuse our daughter. Doesn't want to get her hopes up about us fixing things and getting back together. She says that dinner would also be too much for her right now. Not sure that I completely understand her statement. It isn't like I want her to come over for a romantic dinner and want her to go to bed with me. I just want to give our child a little normalcy. Getting shuttled around between me and mom is having an effect on her. I have even told the W that I don't want to talk about things over dinner, Just have a nice dinner with our child and fell like a family for an hour. I think that therapy will work for us. The fact that she is willing to try after telling me that she wasn't interested in therapy. I am willing to listen to any thing they tell us. I am willing to make any sacrifice to make things work. I just wonder how effective therapy will be. With her being so distant even after a small change of heart. She has been seeing a therapist for a couple of sessions. I have started my own therapy at home with books and the net and start mine at the end of the month. Is therapy as effective as is sounds. I know that you only get out of it if you are open and honest. I guess my biggest problem is whether she is as open to this as I am. Or is it some manuever to crush me more and get what she wants out of a divorce. Guess it is just paranoia there. Does therapy work for screwed up couples like us? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Is the therapy for you both to be co-parents apart or is it to try to work things out so you won't divorce? Therapy CAN work, as long as both of you are willing to work very hard and you want th same outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 13, 2007 Author Share Posted October 13, 2007 Is the therapy for you both to be co-parents apart or is it to try to work things out so you won't divorce? Therapy CAN work, as long as both of you are willing to work very hard and you want th same outcome. The therapy is for us to not divorce. She has realized that she is also to blame for things going wrong. She has had some therapy before she asked me if I would consider going with her. I have told her from the beginning of all of this that I don't want it. That we can fix things. I guess we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
rs.dallaire Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I feel for you. Therapy can work but you must be very patient. You must also be prepared to accept that it might not work. If she's asked for divorce then she must've thought about it for a long time now. You have a LOT of work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I wonder who the guy is that she's seeing. Link to post Share on other sites
kirikat Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Darth - stuff like that is not helpful, and is in fact unkind. Knock it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Darth - stuff like that is not helpful, and is in fact unkind. Knock it off. It may provide valuable insight as to why she doesn't want to do her part. That is a possible sign that something is/has been going on. It's not to be unkind, but to be realistic! Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 If she persists in maintaining a relationship with another guy, then therapy and attempts to reconcile will be fruitless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 As far as I know there isn't another man. And as serious as she was and as nasty as things got I don't think that she would be considering any reconciliation. I have told her from the beginning that I don't want this but if she is persistent and truly wants it I won't hold her back. That is love if you ask me. But I also told her that I wasn't going to back down from the custody and visitation issue. I think that she has realized that she isn't going to get the outcome that she had so carefully planned in her head. She had this idea of independence for the both of us. Making it on our own. But she is stuck in her parents house with no way to get out for a long time. Even if things were settled it would be difficult for her to get out on her own. Even with my support she is barely making her obligations. And I am in no better situation. She still seems unsure of whether we can fix things, or if she wants it. But if she didn't want it then why would we be going to the expense and trouble of therapy? I am as prepared as I can be for things not working out. It has been a tough couple of months but I have learned what it is to be alone, a father, trying to make it on my own. So that won't be a big surprise. But she has no clue to any of that yet. It will be some serious culture shock. I understand that it is realistic to think that there is another man, and appreciate the honesty. If there is another man then she is doing a good job of hiding it. She doesn't go out, and if our daughter isn't with me she is there with her. Plus I think that she wouldn't be gilding the lilly if there was. Kind of a round about way to go if you ask me. But one never knows. Link to post Share on other sites
bestadvisor Posted October 16, 2007 Share Posted October 16, 2007 As far as I know there isn't another man. How sure are you about this? Do you know where she is 24/7? Mike1966 was "sure" that his Christian wife was not in an affair either, but it turned out that she was having some type of emotional affair with some guy from church. Later, Mike1966 found out that after his wife moved out, she quickly found someone and started dating this person. Once a spouse cheats or moves out (either one of the two and especially both cheats and moves out), the marriage has gone to a point that's it's very hard to repair and usually end up dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marsbars Posted October 16, 2007 Author Share Posted October 16, 2007 Like I said I am not sure. No one can be sure. I however don't think that she would be initiating MC if there was another man, unless there was some big rejection. I guess that I have to just lie to myself to keep the sanity, but prepare for the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
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