ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Okay I am confused about something. My wife and I have separated, the papers are filed. I was devastated to the point of almost killing myself. Then the custody battle ensued. I won the case. She wouldn't let me see our child. In my mind the way that she was acting things were over no going back. In my depression and sadness I hooked up with a woman and we had sex one time. I couldn't bear the guilt afterwards. But Did I cheat. I mean in my mind things were over for good. No do overs no take-backs. But now the tides have changed and things are going the other way. We might reconcile if we can. So now I am destroyed. It was one night of stupidity, drunk none the less. I am so scared that if I tell her the truth that it will destroy the very fragile ground that we are standing on. I don't want to lose her. I just don't know if I can suppress the truth from her. For all I know she has done the same thing. But the simple question, did I cheat? Given the mental anguish I was in. Thanks for your patience with my rambling. And please be brutally honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 I say NO... it wasn't cheating since you were separated... If people separated for years, aren't they allowed to see other people? I would say it's dumb to think that someone can go on for months without sex... when they are separated from their spouse... Stop worrying about it.. concentrate on your relationship and most of all, your child. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Okay I am confused about something. My wife and I have separated, the papers are filed. I was devastated to the point of almost killing myself. Then the custody battle ensued. I won the case. She wouldn't let me see our child. In my mind the way that she was acting things were over no going back. In my depression and sadness I hooked up with a woman and we had sex one time. I couldn't bear the guilt afterwards. But Did I cheat. I mean in my mind things were over for good. No do overs no take-backs. But now the tides have changed and things are going the other way. We might reconcile if we can. So now I am destroyed. It was one night of stupidity, drunk none the less. I am so scared that if I tell her the truth that it will destroy the very fragile ground that we are standing on. I don't want to lose her. I just don't know if I can suppress the truth from her. For all I know she has done the same thing. But the simple question, did I cheat? Given the mental anguish I was in. Thanks for your patience with my rambling. And please be brutally honest. Don't say a word about it to anybody. If you tell ONE person, just ONE, it will get back to her and things will be very difficult for you. It makes no difference whether you cheated or not...just forget about it and move forward. I have no idea why people think they just have to tell to get it off their chest...the WORST idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 I totally agree with Tony T... I missed that .. I thought she knew... For Pete's sake... don't ever say a word about this.. just forget about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Okay I am confused about something. My wife and I have separated, the papers are filed. I was devastated to the point of almost killing myself. Then the custody battle ensued. I won the case. She wouldn't let me see our child. Why did your marriage fall apart in the first place? What have you done to put things back together? If you won the custody battle... how can she deny you access to the children? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 For once I am with everyone else. Don't say anything. You two were separated, things were really bad, she was screwing you over, not allowing you to see your child. ON paper you two were legally separated, so no, you didn't cheat....Emotionally, well, that's a different thing, you feel like you cheated...But, don't beat yourself up. Don't think about it and just focus on your child, your wife and working things out. GO to marriage counselling and do everything you can to BE the best husband ever! I do hope that things go well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 Our marriage broke down because of money issues and the relationship that I had with my daughter. In my wife's mind I was mean to our daughter cause I yelled a lot. In my mind it was compensation for her lack of dicipline with the child. But that was wrong. Plus I was very controlling of the money. I spent but would bitch when she did. My relationship with our daughter is the way that it should be. Loving and tender not loud and abrasive. It isn't that I won custody, I should have worded it differently. I had to fight for any visitation at all. She thought that she would walk away and take my daughter and I wouldn't raise a finger. That was the wrong assumption. She didn't fair to well with the judge and I was awarded more visitation than is normal. We are starting counseling next week so thing could be on the road to recovery. I didn't feel like it was cheating as in my mind and heart for the most part it was OVER. I will just have to bury it deep down and convince myself that no it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 For once I am with everyone else. Don't say anything. You two were separated, things were really bad, she was screwing you over, not allowing you to see your child. ON paper you two were legally separated, so no, you didn't cheat....Emotionally, well, that's a different thing, you feel like you cheated...But, don't beat yourself up. Don't think about it and just focus on your child, your wife and working things out. GO to marriage counselling and do everything you can to BE the best husband ever! I do hope that things go well for you. I wouldn't say that we were legally separated on paper. The papers are filed but there has been no separation of property or debts. The only thing that truly separates us is distance. I hope that things go well too. I am concentrating on being the best father I can be. Being a good husband will come back to me. Now that I have been slapped upside the head and can see clearly where I went wrong. People can change. just hope she can see it like my daughter has. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Shoot, I'm not going to tell you if it was or was not cheating! Your focus is really on fixing your marriage right? 99% of the time I suggest you be completely honest! I dont know where things are at for you... It sucks but honesty may not be the best policy. However it depends on who the other woman is... any chance this could get to your wife? Right now Focus on bieng a good man! A good father! But a good husband first! I hope things work out for you in the longrun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 I highly doubt that it could get back to her. But who knows, stranger things have happened. I am sitting in limbo right now waiting for things to get going. She has distanced herself from me at the moment. We start therapy next week. I am open minded about all of this. Just hope that she is. She is stingy with our daughter and I know doesn't like being separated from her. So the visitation is hard for her. I am hoping that she sees that we have to share our child one way or the other, so doing it together by fixing things is far easier than doing it from a distance. I have no other focus but being the best father my child can have. I am already a good man. As far as being a good husband, I think that I just forgot how to do that. I agree that honesty is the way, however I will lie, cheat, kill what ever to make my marriage work. I kid not, there is no length that I won't go to to prove to her and my daughter that I am the man that they want in their lives. My daughter has already made that choice. She didn't want to see me when I was always angry and yelling. But now we have an understanding and I don't yell. She is always wanting to see me now. The stage is set. I guess I bury it in the recesses of my mind and hope for the best. Thanks all for your opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Do everything you can to build love with your wife! Oh, man this is tough! Have you asked for her forgiveness? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 You might benefit from going to one on one counselling too. Just another way of showing your wife and your daughter that you are bettering yourself in so many ways. Pick up afew books to read as well... Can I ask how old your daughter is? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 I wouldn't say that we were legally separated on paper. The papers are filed but there has been no separation of property or debts. The only thing that truly separates us is distance. I hope that things go well too. I am concentrating on being the best father I can be. Being a good husband will come back to me. Now that I have been slapped upside the head and can see clearly where I went wrong. People can change. just hope she can see it like my daughter has. Being a good husband takes effort and you need to do that. Not only in words, but in actions. Do nice things for your wife, bring her flowers, or her favourite food/dessert. Build up to it and just 'be' there. If you can feel intimacy in your heart for your wife, feel emotional for your wife, let her into your heart again, then you have a better chance of her trusting you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 Do everything you can to build love with your wife! Oh, man this is tough! Have you asked for her forgiveness? I don't think that she knows. I haven't told her anything. At the time I was so emotionally lost. So hurt that all I could do was hate her on the surface. The awful things that she said, making me take her to court. All of it made me sick, made me hate her. But at the end of the day I loved her the same. Even more so to tell the truth. I would love to ask her for forgiveness but I don't think that right now she would grant that. We are on the razors edge right now as far as our marriage goes. The first hearing is at the end of november for a divorce. So I have to prove to her that things can be fixed that we can solve our differences and make a change in my life. If not then things will proceed. She has set a damn time limit on things so to speak and I can't do a damn thing about it right now. I want to start trying to mend the relationship but she has kept herself distanced from me. She has things that she needs to figure out, or at least that is what she has started saying since she started some personal therapy. I have my own later in the month. I hate just sitting on my laurels and doing nothing. But going to fast would only push her away. So telling her of this would only be a big shove if you ask me. As far as forgiveness, I know that I could forgive her with time. It would be hard but I know that I could do it. The woman that I was in-discretionary with was just that casual sex. Not a damn emotion, can't really remember it to tell the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 I meant so say ask her forgiveness on the things that you did to put the marriage on the rocks! Lets just take the cheating off the table. It's really a side topic at this point. Saving your Marriage is #1! Pay attention to WWIU! She knows whats going on! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovehermorethanlife Posted October 7, 2007 Author Share Posted October 7, 2007 I have been begging forgiveness for the things that I did in our marriage that put it on the rocks. But she doesn't believe that I can change things enough for her. But so many of the problems are so simple to fix. Kinda like fix one and the rest does it itself. I am however not the only party to blame in this. It takes two to tango and our relationship is not on the rocks just because of me. I was unhappy a lot but I could look past the issues cause she has a depression problem that she has only just now decided to address on the suggestion of her therapist. I begged her to get some help from the beginning of our marriage. I agree that doing what ever I can to fix things is my task. Just hope that she sees my devotion like my daughter has. Link to post Share on other sites
TryingToHeal3 Posted October 19, 2007 Share Posted October 19, 2007 No, you did not cheat. You were devasted, legally separated and had a drunken one-night-stand. Just try to mend things with her and move on with your relationship. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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