What to think: she started talking about how we might not be together in the future

[Cheesy]

I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years now. We are both 21. We met in our first year at university and have been in an incredible relationship ever since the first week. We've shared our virginity, spoken of our future together on many occassions and as far as I can tell, been utterly devoted to each other. There have never been arguments of any serious nature, and we've been so close, intimate and together that the events of this past week have absolutely devastated me.

 

My girlfriend is taking her final year exams in the next month, while I will be taking my 2nd year exams. As such, we're both quite uptight about them, although she has always been more prone to stress than I have. She went home to her parents house for the Easter holidays to revise and just to get away from her housemate (who gets on her nerves frequently) so that she will be more able to concentrate. 3 weeks ago we went to my mother's wedding together, and everything was wonderful.

Last week she started talking about how we might not be together in the future. I wasn't sure if she meant to suggest this as a warning, or if it was a sincere concern, or just mild specualtion.

 

When she leaves uni, she'll be living with her parents again, while I will remain here. The distance between the two towns is only about 30 miles, easy enough for her to drive, but as I can't drive I'd be catching the train to see her. It would be simple for me to see her two or three times a week. This is why I can't think that it is only the distance that is preying on her mind.

 

On Saturday, she said that it might be best if we don't see each other until after the exams. I couldn't believe she wanted that. I certainly didn't. I had missed her in the 3 weeks since the wedding, and told her so. She then said that perhaps we should go back to how we were in the beginning of our relationship. I can't understand what she means by this, as I saw her 4 or 5 times a week then too, if not more so, as we found out about each other.

 

I still can't understand what she means by wanting to delay seeing me. I've asked if it was anything I did, or haven't done. She says it's not. This past week, waiting for her to get back to town, has been numbing.

 

I sent her a very emotional email last night. The idea that she might leave me so suddenly, out of the blue, scares me so much. I told her I didn't mind what she did, so long as she just didn't leave me hanging in limbo, unsure of anything. I told her I loved her, that I wouldn't understand if she left me but I would accept it. I don't know that I will if she does though.

 

I saw her earlier today. We were meant to have gone out for lunch to talk, but she didn't get back to town until later. I've never seen her so detatched from me. She didn't kiss me, barely held me. We had awkward silences. I felt so alone with her. I left within 2 minutes, and cried on the way home.

 

We are going to meet again tomorrow for food somewhere. I just don't know what I can do to stop fearing the worst. She won't tell me anything, she just leaves doubt. I love this girl so much that I don't think I'll ever come out of this the same. And I don't know that I'll feel the same even if we stay together. I spoke to her mum on the phone ( I get on well with her parents) and she says that my girlfriend has become withdrawn like this before when under heavy stress. When she did her A level exams she would seclude herself for days. Having said this, her mum said that it would be best to wait and if it comes to the worst, then that's what will be. This scared me too, as my girlf is very close to her mother, more liek a friend than parent. I couldn't tell if her mum was preparing me for the worst.

 

What do you think would be best? I am loathe to wait. I've never been good at being patient, but when I seem to be about to lose the most amazing person completely at random, I daren't pause in case I'm too late.

[Pookette]

Give her time and space. She is very stressed over these exams of hers and that is probably the dominating thought in her mind right now. If they are her final year exams, the outcome of this WILL affect her life from then on. I don't mean to lecture, but these finals will affect the kind of job she gets, thus affecting her salary, thus affecting her way of life. I don't know how it is over there, but in my neck of the woods the job market is very tight and only those with degrees and training and good stuff like that are landing the juicy jobs.

 

I know that's not what you want or need to hear, but it is true. Her mom is most likely the closest person to her other than you and she gave you very valid advice. "If it's meant to be, it will be." Cliched, yes, but it still holds water. Not to offend or hurt you, but you are probably adding that much more stress on her by hovering around her like that. You seem like a very intelligent guy, so just support her and she will remember that and do the same for you in the future.

[Cheesy]

Thank you Pookette. I am so glad that someone impartial thinks that waiting is best. I know it's the only sane choice inside, but I've become so paranoid in just days, I've lost sleep, started spending money on crap to distract myself, generally lost the plot. Like I said, I've never been patient when things are important, and this is so very important to me.

I'll try to avoid being a fool and make like an angel instead. Maybe I could revise for my exams or something

 

And I'd better burn my copy of Moulin Rouge, lest I run out of tissues.

[Pookette]

Hang in there, guy. We've all been in a rough spot or two. It will work itself out, you'll see. And switch from Moulin Rouge to Caddyshack. It will make everything brighter!

[Cheesy]

Well, we went to the cinema on Wednesday night, which was quite a safe venture on her half. Being together for 2 hours or so and not being allowed to talk can kill two birds with one stone.

We actually were much more talkative and 'normal' than before, but I couldn't help scraping and bowing to anything she said. She let me kiss her though, and walked arm in arm most of the time.

 

I also went round for some lunch today, just to be with her for a bit. We were normal, which was nice, but as she was tired from going out the previous night with her friends she was snoozing for most of the time. She still isn't instigating any of the emotional contact - she doesn't hug or kiss me of her own accord, but I managed to stop pestering her about how she felt. She told me the date that her lease ends at her flat - 14th June - so now that I've got a date by which I can measure my time with her, I feel more comfortable and much less aimless. I might see her tomorrow or I might not, I haven't decided.

[Cheesy]

Game over. It's all done. She said she didn't feel the same way she used to about me anymore. She tried to offer me her friendship. I don't want it. That's not why I want her. We aren't best friends. Best friends don't sleep together or celebrate anniversaries. Bet friends don't say they love each other. Best friends is second best, and second best is nothing.

 

And it hurts. Hurts like nothing I have felt before. I don't want her to be happy. I want her to hurt like I do.

 

I read the other posts on this forum. I read how people were hurting so bad. I couldn't relate. I didn't think I would ever feel so rejected. I want to feel angry. I want to hate. I want to have all my frustration directed at her, at someone, at anything. But I can't even have that. I'm alone.

 

I'm alone.

[Carly]

So sorry, Sheesy, to read about the break-up of your first true love.

 

Cliche as this is going to sound, it just wasn't meant to be.

 

And as lonely as you may feel right now, you are certainly not alone.

 

I think you are really cool to be to see through the "we're best friends" line.

 

She's no longer your girlfirend, but she will always be your "first," and for that reason she will always have a special spot in your heart. Believe it or not you'll actually enjoy revisiting that spot in your heart every once in a while, years from now, when the pain is gone. And yes, the pain WILL be gone.

 

From reading your story, and your honesty with your emotions and feelings of loss, I think that you are just the type of guy that LOTS of great young women are looking for today -- you are in tuned with your feelings, you express them clearly, and you can even admit defeat.

 

So chin up, Cheesy, because soon enough there will be a really great little lady out there who will appreciate you for everyting that you are and she won't want to let you go.

[badz2801]

Welcome to hell my friend. Dont you just love how they dont feel the same anymore?

 

I had the exact same thing happen to me. Funny how they say they love you and in the blink of an eye its all over. Then oh yeah...the famous I want to be friends quote (smart).

 

My advice, lick your wounds, mourn and forget you ex. The faster you forget the less it will hurt. Unfortunatly, in most relationships one is more in love than the other. In the end you loved her more, and you will (im sorry to say) pay for it.

 

In the end all those feelings you have will help you to move on. Time is the only thing that will make those emotions go away. Each will subside with time, how long that takes is up to you. I know right now it seems like your whole world collapsed, but in 6-12 months you will see things differently. You will be thanking her for setting you free to expore the world. When it happened to me; I wanted what was familiar back. But to be honest now, I have seen/done too much to want something so limited back. IE you will see just what you were missing.

 

Good luck, stay strong and live life to the fullest.

 

Sincerely

Badz2801

[Cheesy]

Well, sorry to drag this post back from the depths, but I thought I should tell a load of strangers what was happening about my problem. It seems the only polite thing to do

 

These past 3 and a bit months without her have been very hard for me. Thankfully I managed, somehow, to pass my exams. This means I now have another year of university to go. It also means I haven't wasted the past 3 years - the idea of having no degree and no girlfriend after such a length of time made me feel ill. I cried so hard when I saw the pass grade

 

My flatmates moved out in July, leaving me with only a new flatmate for the last 2 months. I've gotten to know him in their absence, but I still feel lonely a hell of a lot. My friends back home have been wonderful to me, but I still miss her awfully. I sometimes spoke to her on occassion, just on messaging programs.

 

I've also got a part time job, just so I can get out of the house and let the whirring machinery draw my attention away from how bad I was feeling.

 

Around about August 1st, I was starting to feel a little better. But this week, having spoken to the ex on the telephone, I could tell she was far more distant than ever. She tells me she is seeing someone new now. It's a guy she used to know before she went to uni and dated me.

 

This didn't do very much to improve my mood. So I sat in the bath with a 12 pack and drank and sent a couple of messages to her mobile. I know that was probably a rather sad thing to do, but I was feeling down and getting drunk, so it made sense at the time.

 

I think I went through the whole range of emotion I'd felt in the past 3 months in one night. I started with despair (as always), and I asked her not to sleep with him.

Then I got angry, and told her that when she was 16 and fat, this guy wasn't interested in her. I told her he must be very shallow or some such nonsense.

The last message was acceptance (kinda) in that I told her something along the lines of "You lied to me. I was your friend. We can't ever get back together again". Like I said, I was drunk, so stating the obvious like this is par for the course.

 

Then I drank more and fell asleep.

 

I'm not sure when I should have figured she would do this eventually. I don't think 3 months is a sufficient amount of time to recover from what we had, even for the dumping party. Makes me wonder if she was seeing him behind my back, and then wondering that makes me think about other lies she could have told me.

 

Twisted thing, this love malarky.

 

I'm looking forward to my last year of university though. I might finally experience the promiscuity and experimentation that everyone else went through while we were being comfortable together.

 

I'm certainly not better by any stretch of the imagination. I don't feel recovery yet, but I'm making up reasons why she left me in my head. This new guy scenario helps me to see we aren't going to get together again, and it gives me justification for all the ill feeling I have toward her. I may not know straight from the horse's mouth, but even supposing he's a better **** than me is more like a reason than anything I've received from her. It gives me the nudge I need to press on with life.

 

Bring on the Freshers

[Cheesy]

I'm such a fraud. Don't believe a word I've written in that post above - I still can't shake this feeling of loss.

Three months on and the magical social life and sex with strangers hasn't appeared. If anything I've fallen down further than I was. My physical appearance has degraded ( a damn tooth started to decay and I haven't got the money to have it fixxed yet) and I haven't got the interest to go out and meet new people.

Nothing I could do in this next year will be any good in comparison to what I used to have. I'm miserable. I;m not willing or able to take the risk of getting rejected again by anyone, so I'm moping about in the house instead.

An online friend suggested today that I should get some anti-depressants, but I'm not happy with the idea of influencing my mood via a bottle (either pills or alcohol).

This depression is natural, and the length of time I'm feeling it is a reflection of how important my loss is to me. It just really hurts that I can't get over it yet. I don't feel that I'm missing out, but I don't feel the same as before I met her.

My environment and social circle has changed. Before, I had friends I had made all around me, friends I've now known for 4 years. Today I live in a house with people I've known for four months. Nothing of substance will come of my interaction with the really - I don't imagine for a second that anyone of us could say we are best of friends.

 

I guess I type this because there is a minute chance that she would read it and realise how wrong she was. That's probably why I bother getting up in the morning too. It feels like a big wave, crashing down on me, then retreating, only to regather and fall back again later on. And for all my absurd metaphores and similies and poetic crap, I'm still not able to get over it.

 

Sigh.

[hurts so bad]

Let me first start out by saying, I know how you feel. I was with my boyfriend for 4 1/2 years, when he broke up with me 3 months ago. We haven't had any contact since. I am 21, and he is 22. And to be honest, I am still holding on to the hope that we will get back together. I too feel like a fraud. I go day-to-day pretending like I am fine. For the simple reason, I do not want people to continue to feel sorry for me. But deep down, I am hurting the same as I was 3 months ago...maybe a little less, but I'm still miserable. Everybody seems to think that the cure to heal my pain, is to find me another boyfriend. I have had quite a few people, that has wanted to date me. But, I'm not interested. He is not replaceable. For me, it's not about just 'having' somebody. It's about being with the person that I love the most in this world. A co-worker of mine, has too suggested that I get on anti-depressants. But I really don't want my mood to be altered, because I am on some medication. I want to deal with my emotions naturally.

 

I really don't have any advice for you, because I am not dealing well myself. Just try to keep busy. I just wanted to sympathize....and let you know that you are not alone.

[dlb311]

I have read all the threads there. Chessey I think you are going into self distruction. I just got my heart broken for the second time in my life. I first had my heart broken by my high school sweet heart. That was so very very hard. But I got over it. It took time and we got back together after five months and lasted about 2 months. I finally realized it was time to move on no matter how much I wanted to be with him forever.

 

Then three years later I ran into an old friend and we started dating. I fell so madly and deeply inlove with him. I charished every day went were together. We had been together about two years and decided it was time to move in together. We had already disguested getting married after our careers where established. He graduated at the end of Agust. and it must have scared him because two weeks before we were suppose to move in together. He broke up with me. Said he wasn't sure why but he would regret but had to do it for now. And still he says right now I can't have that serious of a relationship. I don't want to give up because it was so good. But he isn't around and he is off getting his career. Which is great but I wanted to be there with him.

 

Anyway we have been broken up for almost four months now. I still hold on but live my life as though he is not coming back because I know that if it doesn't work out its because I deserve better. I deserve someone who will always be there and so do you.

 

Just remember that this life is all you know for now so make it the best it can be. Parties and sleeping around will not fullfil your emptyness. But finding new hobbies, and friends will. Life goes on she is letting you go. If you want to hold on if there is a chance. (if she says its over then move on) then when you talk to her be upbeat because being down isn't going to make her want you back. And be nice and interested. If she wants this other guy let her know that is great for her but she is missing out on you. And if she really loves you enough then she will realize how great you where and try again. But you have to let her know what she is missing don't texting her and stop being a jerk to her that isn't going to let her see that.

 

My advice is to be true to yourself. Remember who you are and what you are becoming. And don't let anyone drag you down. Be the best you can be for yourself and you will find happiness weither with her or someone else.

 

Good Luck to us all!!!!