need advice about guy sending mixed signals

[christiecat]

I need some advice because the guy I care for has been sending me mixed signals and I am very confused at this point!

 

Here's the history of our relationship: I met him about 5 years ago and we became pretty good friends. I told him that I liked him and one weekend after about 5 months we ended up sleeping together a few times and I thought he wanted to be with me. But after that weekend he said things couldn't continue because he was about to go off to college. So he moved away and we lost touch. I never really got over that. I kept thinking about him. And the fact that I didn't get over him ruined the next two relationships I had. Even though he'd hurt me and I had no idea where he was I couldn't help feeling like he was 'the one.'

Well, almost 2 years ago I searched for him online and found his email address. I sent him a letter and he replied and sounded really happy to hear from me. We continued to send letters and then a few months after that he said he'd be in my state for a few days and wanted to see me. Before I agreed to that I confessed to him how much what had happened years before had hurt me and that I cared for him. He apologized for hurting me and he did come visit. As soon as I saw him I knew that I still had very strong feelings for him. We had a really good visit. After he left I wrote him and told him that I really cared for him and he replied that he felt the same way and that we'd see what we could do about it during the new year (he wrote that on new years day last year).

 

Well, it's been a year and a 1/2 since then. We still write each other and I have told him that I love him and want to be with him. He has sent me very mixed signals. He'll write me and say semi-sweet things and act as if he cares and then I won't hear from him for a long time. And any time I try to talk about our relationship he acts as if I'm being melodramatic and annoying, but then a few weeks later he'll say something nice again. I have asked him many times if he wants to ever be with me and he usually replied with something to the effect of 'what will be will be.' He'd never give me a straght answer. And I haven't been able to move on. Other guys have pursued me, but I push them away because I have my heart set on being with him.

Recently he asked me to come visit and before I really decided to I told him that if he never wants to have a real relationship with me then he should tell me before I go visit. He replied with something about how the words 'friend' and 'more than a friend' hold no sway with him. I decided I would go visit anyway and see what might happen. Well, while we were exchanging e-mails trying to decide when I could visit, he wrote me and told me that he has the same illness as me. (it's not an std, but I don't want to mention it here) He has known that I had the illness since we first met, but he never told me he had it. And he said that he didn't think we should be together because we're both ill. I wrote him and said that I don't want the illness to rule my life or our relationship and that I'm still willing to try and work things out. I didn't hear from him for weeks and so I wrote him and asked for a response to my letter. He replied the next day and basically said that I'm being melodramatic. But, he also said 'we'll be together soon, don't worry. and if we're not together soon then so be it." He didn't give any explanation as to why he changed his mind or what he means by 'we'll be together soon.'

 

I am so confused! I don't understand what he wants and he never opens up to me or gives straight answers. I really want to be with him, but I'm really sick of these mixed signals. And I have this horrible fear that I will wait around for him for a long time only to have him never actually choose to be with me. I already feel like I've been wasting my time on this. He lives in another country and I never see him or talk to him and I've pushed away so many nice guys because I'm waiting for him. I don't know if I should wait or try to move on. moving on hasn't worked in the past, but this confusing relationship is really getting to me. I feel like I want to be serious with him and spend my life with him, but he certainly isn't cooperating. All my friends tell me to move on, but my heart tells me to wait. I just don't understand why he won't give me a straight answer. I mean, either you want to be with someone or you don't. Am I being stupid? Any advice will be greatly appreciated!

[Reckless]

You seem to have 'made your mind up' that you want this guy and are pursuing him despite that fact that he is not pursuing you. I'm not saying this man has no feelings for you but I am saying the facts are clear, he is not pursuing you, he's not doing all that is possible to be with you.

 

He left you - he made no attempt even to pursue even a long distance friendship with you, these are not 'mixed signals' the signal was loud and clear - 'I don't need or want you in my life at the moment'. Still you re-contacted him for more - this time 'long distance'....

 

Long distance relationships rarely work and those that do have to have a definite plan of action where the two not only want desperately to physically be together but have a solid plan to make that happen. Both would have to be committed to that and even then it would be very difficult. Both would have to want to be 'more than friends' and be willing to make the sacrifices needed. Well, you're 50% there I guess, with imagination and sheer dogged determination making up the other 50% but as you are seeing, it just isn't enough - both have to pull together and you don't have that.

 

"...I feel like I want to be serious with him and spend my life with him, but he certainly isn't cooperating"

 

Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that is this reluctant to make definite plans to be together. I'm not saying that people should rush into life commitement but the only way to be sure is to be committed to find out if you both can be 'more than friends' you cannot force someone to do that, if they don't 'cooperate' let it go. Walk. Possibly the sight of your back as it moves away from him might ignite some feeling in him, but quite frankly I would neither count on, trust or hold my breath for that. Just walk.

 

"..moving on hasn't worked in the past..."

 

That's because you didn't really move on. You held on to your love for this guy - that was not his fault, he made you no promises and left you with no parting words of hope. What's that rule? No two things can occupy the same space at the same time. Liberate your heart and someone else will fill it in time.

 

"..Other guys have pursued me, but I push them away because I have my heart set on being with him. .." you say.

 

Real men? Men who would possibly love and cherish you and move heaven and earth to spend real time with you? Flesh and blood (and muscle yummy...) in your very own neighborhood sweet on you guys? Men that have evidently sent clear signals that they find you attractive and would appreciate a relationship with you. Well, you can keep hitting yourself in the head with a brick if you like but seems to me a bird in the hand is worth two very elusive vague wishy-washy birds in a long distance bush.

 

I don't want this to be 'death by adage' but why not try that one about '... if you really love something let it go - if it comes back to you it's yours and if it doesn't..(after a year and a half of badgering I might add)' no, don't send it more emails and try and squeeze love out of it - let it go.

 

Sorry.

R.

[midori]

I think Reckless has said it all.

[gem]

I just wanted to add, that letting go is terribly hard, and it doesn't happen overnight. But it is necessary to keep saying to yourself, that this person is not good for you, that he cannot give you happinness, and you cannot give him anything. That if he decided to remain with you, he would ruin your life, because he is not able to love you. And you would always feel rejected, manipulated, unloved, always missing something, longing for something and never getting it. He is not as good as you think he is. He is not honest with you, he cannot be trusted. Look at this situation from this point of view - What am I getting out of this relationship? What is he really giving me? How is he really treating me? Is this the way I want to be treated? How long can I remain in this situation? IS IT GOOD FOR ME? And it doesn't matter what he thinks and why he acts this way, it's his problems, his confusion. Let him solve his own problems.

[christiecat]

Thank you so much for your advice. I have decided to move on. I realized that he has never treated me well and I deserve better than that. Whenever I start to think of him I just remind myself how rude he has been and that he is not the kind of person I want to be with. And it's not as hard as I'd thought it would be. I feel so much better now! I feel like I haven't felt in years!