what is he thinking?

[Heather]

I've been seeing the same man for about 2 months now. About two weeks ago, while we were talking one day, he got me to admit to him that I am in love with him. This was something I was not ready to tell him because we had talked before about not wanting to push things too fast. Once I had admitted to him that I loved him, he told me that he did not feel the same about me but that he did not think he could feel this way about anyone so soon. I knew that he had some issues with using the word love and so I had no intention of ever making him feel like he had to use that term with me so quickly, but he is the one who brought it all up.

 

Last night, while we were talking again, he told me that he wanted to hear me say that I loved him. I was very reluctant to do this because of how he had reacted the last time I had used those words. However he pushed and I told him how i felt. He immediately got scared and told me that he did not want to hurt me. I know feel like I am trying to live up to some dream he has in his mind of what love has to be. I feel like he's trying not to hurt me, but the way he's going about all of this is hurting me even more than if he'd just say he wanted to slow things down. What should I do about all of this?

[Emotional Caldron]

The real question is 'what are you thinking?'.

 

To better understand somebody's actions toward you, you must be able to see yourself how the other person sees you. Has this relationship been to the point of future planning...like months ahead? This may be too much for him. Has he ever been in a SERIOUS relationship with anyone prior to you? Was he burned? I for one, am in a similiar situation. However, I'm on the other side of this quandry. I have been seeing someone for going on 6 months and she has slipped a couple of times and said the same as you, in so many words. I have been burned in 5 serious relationships and find it hard to allow ANYBODY to get close intentionally. I care about this other person, but really don't see it going anywhere too fast. I am torn between being alone and hurting her feelings, or riding it out to see what does happen. All the time being cautious of leaving myself exposed to heartbreak. He may not have had any recent heartbreaks...but he may have had just 1 that he never healed from. Either that or he hasn't grown up enough to have a serious relationship and he knows that he may not be able to handle it. All this time, he cares deeply for you, yet doesn't know what to do. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you...but as you said, what he is doing is hurting more. You have my deepest simpathy with your struggle. Try the approach of NOT telling him that you love him. Even when he pushes you to. Just tell him that it wouldn't be fair to you or him to have such a one-sided emotional attachment and when he is ready to let go of himself, the flood gates will open. That is when both of you are comfortable enough with each other that total trust is accomplished! Good luck and reply to me if you would like some more insight.

I've been seeing the same man for about 2 months now. About two weeks ago, while we were talking one day, he got me to admit to him that I am in love with him. This was something I was not ready to tell him because we had talked before about not wanting to push things too fast. Once I had admitted to him that I loved him, he told me that he did not feel the same about me but that he did not think he could feel this way about anyone so soon. I knew that he had some issues with using the word love and so I had no intention of ever making him feel like he had to use that term with me so quickly, but he is the one who brought it all up. Last night, while we were talking again, he told me that he wanted to hear me say that I loved him. I was very reluctant to do this because of how he had reacted the last time I had used those words. However he pushed and I told him how i felt. He immediately got scared and told me that he did not want to hurt me. I know feel like I am trying to live up to some dream he has in his mind of what love has to be. I feel like he's trying not to hurt me, but the way he's going about all of this is hurting me even more than if he'd just say he wanted to slow things down. What should I do about all of this?

[hopeless romantic]

Wow. To Emotional Cauldron, I appreciate your thoughts. To Heather, I have to say you are brave to post your thoughts. I am actually in a somewhat similar position and have no idea of what will happen. I met someone who became very special to me and we've been dating for about 2 months and are on a bit of a break right now. One that I did not initiate, but it has forced me to re-think many things. Somewhere along the way I think we forgot about just being friends and put a lot of pressure on each other about dating and all the expectations that come with that. We both enjoy each other's company and I was hurt to hear that he was somewhat disaffected by the whole situation. I still want to have a relationship with him, even if it is as friends and I hope that's what we'll be working towards. I know it's hard to let go of your heart and those feelings and constantly second guess how he's interpretted what you've done. Time definitely will give you the chance to gain more clarity on what you want and I know that it's certainly trying my patience. Just give yourself a little more time.

The real question is 'what are you thinking?'.

 

To better understand somebody's actions toward you, you must be able to see yourself how the other person sees you. Has this relationship been to the point of future planning...like months ahead? This may be too much for him. Has he ever been in a SERIOUS relationship with anyone prior to you? Was he burned? I for one, am in a similiar situation. However, I'm on the other side of this quandry. I have been seeing someone for going on 6 months and she has slipped a couple of times and said the same as you, in so many words. I have been burned in 5 serious relationships and find it hard to allow ANYBODY to get close intentionally. I care about this other person, but really don't see it going anywhere too fast. I am torn between being alone and hurting her feelings, or riding it out to see what does happen. All the time being cautious of leaving myself exposed to heartbreak. He may not have had any recent heartbreaks...but he may have had just 1 that he never healed from. Either that or he hasn't grown up enough to have a serious relationship and he knows that he may not be able to handle it. All this time, he cares deeply for you, yet doesn't know what to do. He obviously doesn't want to hurt you...but as you said, what he is doing is hurting more. You have my deepest simpathy with your struggle. Try the approach of NOT telling him that you love him. Even when he pushes you to. Just tell him that it wouldn't be fair to you or him to have such a one-sided emotional attachment and when he is ready to let go of himself, the flood gates will open. That is when both of you are comfortable enough with each other that total trust is accomplished! Good luck and reply to me if you would like some more insight.