carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Oh. Oh well. Probably needless to say, my brand new much coveted Japanese film is still with the ex and he didn't follow through on watching it this weekend. In the past I would have just shown up because we had plans. I would have taken it for granted we were still on if I heard nothing to the contrary. Not this time. This time he got no phone call, no visit, no nothing. He knows he blew me off. He has to know. I'm disappointed. Not overwhelmingly hit the bottle disappointed. Just a little tweaked disappointed. I wonder how I'll handle it during the week. I'm handling it now with pancakes. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Here is what I know: 1) A guy who is really into you won't flake. 2) If a guy isn't into you enough that he won't flake, then he isn't the guy for you. 3) Maintaining contact with someone you've broken up with is sadistic/masochistic 99% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 So help me, I have a gut feeling I'm being tested. Link to post Share on other sites
Krying Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Carrot, I think you're hoping or wishing he is testing you. Truth, is there is nothing that will keep a person from being with a person they love. That's how it was for me. I realised my ex didn't feel this way. She would come up with all kinds of excuses, like she's tired, and that wonderful classic of needing "space". Yet when she was into me, she could keep her hands off me, and wanted to spend every moment together. Heck she even made me lunches for work and we didn't live together. So he might be testing you, but that would imply he still feels for you, and girl, actions speak for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Krying, I hear you. You all don't know me so well [yet] and don't know the ex, who has already checked in oh so passively. you can't know that very little makes me more hostile than being challenged with this super passive aggressive crap. It's the surest way to turn me off! Believe it, I'm not pouting. I was disappointed because I'd wanted to believe he would keep his word. And also, I really want that movie and I regret letting him hold onto it. I'm far too stubborn to ask for it. Let him keep a movie he can't understand! Maybe he can find another adorable Japanese translator. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 you mean he is passive? that sounds not a good news, passive aggressive sounds more a bad news. Physically and emotionally men are supposed to be aggressive how about put him in the list of aloof friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Physically and emotionally men are supposed to be aggressive Lonely, I use passive aggressive in the sense that my ex is currently avoiding direct confrontation about anything with almost everyone (not just me). I can also see he's trying to manipulate or bring about outcomes he desires without involving the other people, he procrastinates, he forgets things, he passively opposes that which makes him uncomfortable. As for the rest, not for nothing peoples, but what is it with all of these supposed to bes? This sort of thinking is on the level of blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
lonelybird Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Lonely, I use passive aggressive in the sense that my ex is currently avoiding direct confrontation about anything with almost everyone (not just me). I can also see he's trying to manipulate or bring about outcomes he desires without involving the other people, he procrastinates, he forgets things, he passively opposes that which makes him uncomfortable. As for the rest, not for nothing peoples, but what is it with all of these supposed to bes? This sort of thinking is on the level of blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Carrot physically, men are aggressor, right? same goes emotionally and courting, and this is what I meant or otherwise, you feel like squeaze a toothpaste, I won't say it will not work out, but too much work Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 physically, men are aggressor, right? same goes emotionally and courting, and this is what I meant or otherwise, you feel like squeaze a toothpaste, I won't say it will not work out, but too much work Can't agree with you here Lonely but if this philosophy works for you, that's all that really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Give back the other presents he just gave? Or throw them away? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Lonely, I use passive aggressive in the sense that my ex is currently avoiding direct confrontation about anything with almost everyone (not just me). I can also see he's trying to manipulate or bring about outcomes he desires without involving the other people, he procrastinates, he forgets things, he passively opposes that which makes him uncomfortable. As for the rest, not for nothing peoples, but what is it with all of these supposed to bes? This sort of thinking is on the level of blue is for boys and pink is for girls. Carrot To offset a passive-aggressive person, you refuse to play the game. Stand back and let them play all by themselves or you will go nuts. As for the gifts, do you like them and can you make use of them? If you do like them or can use them, do so. In continued use, you may find that the emotional attachment disappears and they simply become objects. If they bring back too many memories, pack them away until you can rationally decide what you want to do with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 To offset a passive-aggressive person, you refuse to play the game. Stand back and let them play all by themselves or you will go nuts. As for the gifts, do you like them and can you make use of them? If you do like them or can use them, do so. In continued use, you may find that the emotional attachment disappears and they simply become objects. If they bring back too many memories, pack them away until you can rationally decide what you want to do with them. Yah. I'm not into the game playing. It's fun to fantasize about making them dance to our tunes sure, but real life game playing? Not interested. Like I said. It makes me hostile. About the things and pitching them, a hearty thanks Tri. I needed those words of sense. I don't know what I'm thinking. I feel the need for action. I'm running out of things to clean. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Yah. I'm not into the game playing. It's fun to fantasize about making them dance to our tunes sure, but real life game playing? Not interested. Like I said. It makes me hostile. About the things and pitching them, a hearty thanks Tri. I needed those words of sense. I don't know what I'm thinking. I feel the need for action. I'm running out of things to clean. Carrot Do you want to make them dance to your tune or do you just want them to care about you, the way you care about them? It's okay to be sad, angry, whatever, at first. You use humour to deflect and distract. Let it all hang out. It's salt that's well worth it because it's salt towards your own sanity. Okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Do you want to make them dance to your tune or do you just want them to care about you, the way you care about them? This was meant in the fantastic sense of wild daydreams where I say let's go to Las Vegas and get married or I'm throwing your free weights out the window and he says I never liked those free weights anyway but let's go get married. Obviously not a for real situation. The humor is because I think things are funny. Possibly less deflection and distraction than lack of depth. I'm not self-deprecating at all. I don't think tragedy is comical but even in the midst of tragedy, or just a break up, things happen that make me laugh. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 This was meant in the fantastic sense of wild daydreams where I say let's go to Las Vegas and get married or I'm throwing your free weights out the window and he says I never liked those free weights anyway but let's go get married. Obviously not a for real situation. The humor is because I think things are funny. Possibly less deflection and distraction than lack of depth. I'm not self-deprecating at all. I don't think tragedy is comical but even in the midst of tragedy, or just a break up, things happen that make me laugh. Carrot In that case, have at it. Nothing in life is sacrosanct from humour. If so, you're taking life way too seriously. I'm more the tossing of free weights out the window, when he's standing at the bottom of 20 floors. It will all be in the name of science, if you can prove that the heavier object falls at the same rate as the lighter object. Impact should happen at the identical, delicious moment... Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 I could use a moment like that today. I'm having trouble finding humor today and I'm wondering if it's me who needs her butt kicked or if people really need to have their butts kicked? The things people say and do to me, to themselves, to whoever.... I don't know sometimes... My 6 mos pregnant friend slipped at a convention center and broke her collarbone this morning. I already knew something was wrong when her husband called me. He was calling from the hospital to tell me there was an accident. With my heart in my throat I asked how everyone was. He practically sang, we're all great! We already talked to our attorneys! We're going to make a lot of money from this law suit! I was thinking attorneys? Plural with an S? How many lawyers does one couple need? Lawsuit? And why couldn't he just tell me everyone was going to be fine and my friend is doing well and the baby is doing well? What was wrong with this man? I had no humor at all. I feel terrible for being judgmental since they must have had an awful scare and I'm so happy the baby is perfectly fine but what is wrong with these people I call friends? She slipped and fell. It could have happened to anyone. Now she is suing? I don't understand this. Hey now this is probably a reason why my ex broke up with me. I'm judgmental. There. Very bad humor. It's something. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 So you're supposed to be happy and singing because people have their priorities so badly skewed? If my partner were ever to do that to me, he would cease to be my partner, as at that second. Who gives a flying...pancake...about money, when something like this happens. I stand with you on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Pancake. Nice use of suggestive voice. I'm smiling. Tri, you're provoking a lot of thought per usual. The ex probably would have thought that lawsuit response as messed up as it is. He probably would wonder (were we together) why I cared about their silly behavior. Which makes me think there's something to that hypothetical supposition. Why do I care? Why did it bother me? I'll have to chew on that for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 That's a callous attitude, to not care about the well-being of people close to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 To clarify, would have wondered why I cared that they were acting like money was all that mattered and why their reaction bothered me. No, of course he wouldn't question my caring about their well-being. Just what kind of a man do you think I would fall for anyway? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Is it so wrong to be perturbed about what friends value? While no one is identical or perfect, we befriend people who have similar core values, so we are able to relate to them. If you see a friend displaying callous behaviour, ie. money over health and welfare, it makes you question your perception of them. As for your b/f, if he's a passive and/or self-centered person, he will most likely not question any behaviours beyond the ones that directly impact on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Yah. I'm questioning my perception about lots of things these past few weeks. Ex dutifully sent another coworker my way earlier for verification of some work. He's been great but I'm worn out. He and I worked together most of the day and I'm not looking forward to another intense, lacking intensity mind musher tomorrow. We worked together without talking more than was absolutely required. I'm trying to appear comfortable with it. I'm trying not to hate him for being perfectly normal. I resent his seeming comfort and happiness. I resent his not being somewhere else. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 It's not exactly a turn around from I resent him to I'm concerned because I still resent him, but go ahead and sue me, I'm growing more and more concerned about my ex and his new antisocial thing. Despite all of his seeming happiness, my ex is not leaving his flat other than to go to work. He stopped going to school. Tonight he left the office, drove straight home, went online and checked back in with work. It's been a month since this antisocial behavior is going on from the week before he broke us up I'm wondering if maybe I should forget about any of this business only, ignore, move on stuff and just be a caring person? He might not want the care. I don't know. I think I would want the care if it was me. Can someone speak to this? Has anyone felt the need to go in their house and not come out to such an extent that they really went in their house and only came back out for work? For a month? For longer than a month? I think, from what he's said and what I know from actually seeing him, I think other than work, he's only left his place 4 times since we broke up. 2 of the times were to see me. The other two were to get food. Other than alert a friend, so that someone knows to watch out for him, I don't know what else there is to do. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Tonight I talked with some guy friends who know us and sadly, don't live close enough to act themselves. Other friends are too pissed at him to intervene. The consensus from them is I could be compassionate and drag the man out for some minimal contact with the world, that if you're in a bad enough place it doesn't matter if the person keeping you present with the world is the girl you recently dumped. "You could love it or hate it but it's good to know someone cares enough to be there." In the last month the only friend he's had contact with outside of work and his professors is me.... it won't kill me to be a little more decent. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 You do know what you're doing, don't you, carrot? Link to post Share on other sites
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