Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Yah. I do. My health first. His health second. The rest we'll just have to see over time. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Don't be making excuses on how to get close to him again. You're asking for it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Tri, No excuses. I have daydreams but I know what's real and what isn't. I know there won't be a blissful Carrot ending with the ex. He's a big boy. He'll have to figure this out on his own. But it might be a nice thing for him to know someone has compassion for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 That's even if all the ego sayers are right. So it could be my ex will get a little ego boost. I can live with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Is it completely altruistic? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 It is. If I do nothing else, I can at least let him know I'm concerned and leave it at that. I gots choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Everyone has choices. There isn't one person who has their back to the wall, any second of the day. If you feel this is the move you want to make, do it. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Tri, everything will be okay. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I'm not sure Carrot. All I know is, that its easy to convince yourself that this is a noble move, when it could just be coming from a fearful place. Having said that, of course it is good to put aside ego, in order to help somebody, but, it is not always kinder. Problems need to be faced by an individual sooner rather than later. It sounds as though he may be being a little anti-social, and possibly a little down. He is still able to work and function though, and it is an assumption on your part that he needs help. All in all, what an unhelpful post! Perhaps you could just ask if he is alright, how could he even take that as an ego boost? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Spind, I haven't the slightest if he's down or up. He's functional to the point of making it to work. It's not really my business whether or not he makes it to school but it's there to be seen, he didn't make it to school yet this week. You're right. It's a big assumption that staying inside all of the time isn't normal. Maybe he likes to be alone and that was part of why he broke up with me? Maybe he didn't like being so active with me? Could be. I'm not even sure if I'm going to offer anything at all. I'm considering and thinking with the benefit of not having to decide right away and without negative influences. Thinking it through and asking for input from people who care. Ideally for me, I'll be able to enlist the help of a mutual friend who will check on my ex from time to time. I could walk away completely without feeling like a shmuck. Because let's face it, if it turned out something really was wrong, I'd never forgive myself. Keep your fingers crossed. I'm going to try and make that happen. Carrot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 This is why I go from resentment to caring and right back to resentment. The ex apparently has diarrhea or had too much coffee or he is purposely getting in my space. He has passed by my desk to go the bathroom 3 times in the last hour. I am not thinking nice thoughts. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Trip #4. I am trying to bear in mind that the man really might have to use the bathroom this much and not be so self centered. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 If I were you I would want to have a roll of TP handy at my desk. On his next trip ...without missing a beat just hold it up for him to see or take while not looking away from your work. It really could be anything. Just trying to make you laugh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 His trips seem to have tapered. I know I'm completely egocentric on this. Who knows what his body is doing? It isn't his usual pattern so of course, I determine it's some ruse to get my attention. Shame on me. I'm wasting cycles even considering it. But what a great way to have an answer from within on the whole nurture or neuter question. Someone else can have compassion for the man. I don't want to. At this moment in time I'm only sorry he didn't fall in. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I had a heart to heart with a close friend of both of us. My friend understands the situation. He thinks it's a rather self abusive way to live life but also thinks the ex will come out of it OK. He'll keep on eye on the ex and let me cut all ties. I made it clear that I don't want to know or hear about their time together without me. I don't want to know what they talk about. I don't want to talk about it either. It's enough for me to know someone else will watch over him a bit. What say you all? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I think that you have no need to worry about him. Its a judgement on how he is living, perhaps he only knows this is something he needs to do. I also think, you are very nice to be concerned, and that you are living life the good way, if you can put aside ego issues, to help, just simply out of love. Now, what about Carrot? Are you okay? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 NO. I am not okay. I'm annoyed. 2 minutes after my last post the ex stopped by my desk with another coworker. Coworker says, we're going to see if we can get in a fast round before dark. The ex looked me straight in the face and asked, you wanna come? J__ [the mutual friend I just coopted to keep an eye on the ex] is meeting us. I hesitated because I wasn't expecting it. I know it was nothing more than him being polite. I felt manipulated anyway. How could I say no? He asked right in from of the other guy and knowing our other friend would be there (which was so funny), if I'd left them with 3 that's unsportsmanlike and I would have looked like an a$$h*le. Plus of course I wanted to play because I love to play. So I went and played. It was a good time. I partnered with my coworker and that was fun. We switched partners halfway through. The ex chose me. Another surprise. The ex still goes soft and gooey when I play well. I played well. My friend is still pissed at the ex.... he deliberately threw his game to make me look better. My ex knew it too. Poor ex was torn between outmanning him by also throwing the game and wanting to hit a great score for himself. Boys! Our coworker remained blessedly clueless. And after I just kind of bailed after half a beer. I was taking man time away from the ex. I knew it. Another he knew it too. But he was just sitting and watching us interact. Ordinarily I could have included him but I wasn't in the mood.So I left instead feeling manipulated and annoyed at myself for having fun. But I did feel manipulated. And old. And unwanted. And I almost lost it when he stopped to take a call which was probably work-related but I could feel my face burning anyway. I was glad for the sunset masking it. So now after writing this I feel calmer. But WTF? I really hate being in love with someone who doesn't love me back. And I hate that I got suckered. I hate that it probably wasn't even him suckering me, it's just me feeling like that. I hate that it means nothing to him and he's just being polite. I hate all of this. We're good together and he doesn't want me. I'm going to start swearing soon. I have to stop now. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 My friend just called. We were chatting away about the events of the evening and when I made a rather tame joke about him lecturing the ex, he hung up on me. No comment, no complaint, no warning. He just hung up. Now there's a message that isn't confusing. My friends do not hang up on me, therefore, he's not my friend. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 No I'm not okay. I wonder if everyone I know spews lies at me all day every day. I wonder if I have even one true friend at all or all these years have people only wanted me to be their friend because they could get something from me and now, when I don't have much to give, it's see ya Carrot. I going to live like the ex. I want to stay inside and not go out. I don't want anyone near me and I'm so full of hate I don't want to be near anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to hear anyone talking. I want peace. I want to be left alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 My friend just called to tell me that expecting he won't hang up on me without warning mid call, and provide a timely explanation should it absolutely have to happen, is too demanding of our friendship. What is there for me to say to that? Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 My friend just called to tell me that expecting he won't hang up on me without warning mid call, and provide a timely explanation should it absolutely have to happen, is too demanding of our friendship. What is there for me to say to that? Carrot What? I don't understand. He said he should not have to explain the hang up? His/her hang up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 What? I don't understand. He said he should not have to explain the hang up? His/her hang up? Yes. You understood. The same friend and his wife who were put out when the ex and I didn't send an immediate thank you note after having dinner at their home for the first time as an established "couple". Whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Yes. You understood. The same friend and his wife who were put out when the ex and I didn't send an immediate thank you note after having dinner at their home for the first time as an established "couple". Whatever. Yea, Whatever. They sound uppity and high maintenance. I would have to wonder what they would think if you hung up on them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author carrotgirl Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 Yea, Whatever. They sound uppity and high maintenance. I would have to wonder what they would think if you hung up on them? I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. Today I don't know anything about anyone. Including myself. Today I imagined violence on my ex. I've never had a more violent thought in my life other than killing mosquitoes and other icky bugs. Today I wanted to pound that pristinely beautiful face into bloody pulp. I'm not kidding. I could imagine how good that would be and immediately phoned my doctor to ask once again if I'm losing my mind. I'm beginning to doubt the doctor too. This is just not like me at all. Carrot Link to post Share on other sites
underpants Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 I don't know anymore. I thought I knew. Today I don't know anything about anyone. Including myself. Today I imagined violence on my ex. I've never had a more violent thought in my life other than killing mosquitoes and other icky bugs. Today I wanted to pound that pristinely beautiful face into bloody pulp. I'm not kidding. I could imagine how good that would be and immediately phoned my doctor to ask once again if I'm losing my mind. I'm beginning to doubt the doctor too. This is just not like me at all. Carrot Oh no. I am sorry you are hurting. It has to be difficult to put on a tough front at work. Vent here all you need to. You might be turning the corner from denial to anger. There is a theory of loss that is described as 5 steps. Denial, anger, 2 somethings, and acceptance. Sounds normal. My ex had a steel pipe hit him in the head (he was okay...and it had NOTHING to do with me...I was not even there). However, after several emails about it and a visit to garnish my sympathy. I just said...you know..."GOOD, maybe the Universe is trying to knock some sense into you". Of course all the powers that exist in the Universe are not enough to penetrate that thick skull. Oh well, good luck to him. It just takes time Carrot. I guess since he went out today then you are absolved of anymore unneccesary interaction with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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