Husband Cheat's W probably know's and accepts it?

[Meaplus3]

I am just wondering what kind of woman would still stay with her H if she know's he's a cheater? Does not matter if it's an Ea "An affair of the heart" of a pure pa Sexual relationship? I would have BIG problem with staying in a long term R with a man that has NO repsect for me on this kind of level. So who is she?, What is she like? and Why does she out up with it? Any thought's?

 

AP:)

[BestAdvisor1]

Why did your husband stay after he found out about your affair with your neighbor?

[LucreziaBorgia]

There are some women who will stay with their husbands and look the other way even when they know that they cheat, because they don't see infidelity as something strong enough to break the marriage. For some people, infidelity is something fairly insignificant compared to the whole of the marriage. I expect some look the other way, because losing part of their husband is nothing compared to losing all of him, and the life they built together. For women who are as emotionally/sexually detached from their husbands, as their husbands are to them - they simply enjoy an otherwise amicable arrangement that is built around finances, child rearing, and building a legacy together, while carrying on discreetly behind the other's back in a sort of 'open secret' sort of thing.

 

Sometimes the marriage outweighs the amount of love and fidelity inside of it. If marriages were broken solely on love and fidelity, there would be a lot more divorces. In many cases, its just easier and cheaper to stay married, even when you know that your H or W is cheating, particularly when children are involved. You weigh your emotional loss against the overall loss of divorce, and find that you lose less by staying married. That's how some people see it anyway.

[Meaplus3]

Why did your husband stay after he found out about your affair with your neighbor?

 

Good Question! I think because he know's in his heart that I am NOT a serial cheat.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

There are some women who will stay with their husbands and look the other way even when they know that they cheat, because they don't see infidelity as something strong enough to break the marriage. For some people, infidelity is something fairly insignificant compared to the whole of the marriage. I expect some look the other way, because losing part of their husband is nothing compared to losing all of him, and the life they built together. For women who are as emotionally/sexually detached from their husbands, as their husbands are to them - they simply enjoy an otherwise amicable arrangement that is built around finances, child rearing, and building a legacy together, while carrying on discreetly behind the other's back in a sort of 'open secret' sort of thing.

 

Sometimes the marriage outweighs the amount of love and fidelity inside of it. If marriages were broken solely on love and fidelity, there would be a lot more divorces. In many cases, its just easier and cheaper to stay married, even when you know that your H or W is cheating, particularly when children are involved. You weigh your emotional loss against the overall loss of divorce, and find that you lose less by staying married. That's how some people see it anyway.

 

Thank's for your thought's LB, makes sense but I guess it's a bit scarey!

[Integra]

I'm new to posting but not new

to reading.

 

My question for you is this..

1) Your H was mentioned before (yes I have

been reading your story for a long time), Do

you feel the same amount of disgust for him

since he stayed w/ you as you do MM's W?

 

2) Why do you care?? I mean, you are staying

with your H.. Your A is supposedly over, so

why do you care what her reasons are.

 

My advice, though not really asked for.

Spend half as much attention to your

M and everything going on in it as you

do your xMM and you would be doing

so much better.

[whichwayisup]

I think because he know's in his heart that I am NOT a serial cheat.

 

So, is it possible that a wife could feel the exact same thing about her husband? That he isn't serial cheater?

[Doody&Boo]

Seems we always say we would "never" about situations that we haven't been in - find yourself in one and see how you react. One never knows til one is there.

[Cobra_X30]

Good Question! I think because he know's in his heart that I am NOT a serial cheat.

 

AP:)

 

I think you discovered your own answer!

 

She blames herself for failures and doesnt feel like he is a serial cheat. Maybe she also feels like she cant do any better!

[reboot]

Seems we always say we would "never" about situations that we haven't been in - find yourself in one and see how you react. One never knows til one is there.

Truer words are are rarely spoken here.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am just wondering what kind of woman would still stay with her H if she know's he's a cheater? Does not matter if it's an Ea "An affair of the heart" of a pure pa Sexual relationship? I would have BIG problem with staying in a long term R with a man that has NO repsect for me on this kind of level. So who is she?, What is she like? and Why does she out up with it? Any thought's?

AP:)

 

I'm new to posting but not new

to reading.

 

My question for you is this..

1) Your H was mentioned before (yes I have

been reading your story for a long time), Do

you feel the same amount of disgust for him

since he stayed w/ you as you do MM's W?

 

Like others, AP, being somewhat familiar with your story, I found your post very strange. It seems like more than a hypothetical question since it so closely mirrors you own situation. As Integra asked, do you have a BIG problem with your H for staying in your marriage when you have NO respect for him on this level (to paraphrase your opening post)?

 

Mr. Lucky

[EnigmaXOXO]

I asked my Mom this once, and she fully admits that she felt powerless in that there were no other options, resources, or alternatives available to her at the time (back in the 50s) preferable to the situation she was already in.

 

Married young and too poor to afford a proper education and career of her own, there was no way she could afford to take care of herself and two young children who she could not find it in her heart to leave behind. My Dad wasn’t exactly rolling in the money, so the few dollars she might get through a divorce settlement would hardly cover the basic necessities for one let alone three.

 

Their was also nowhere for her to go ... estranged from most of her family members (who were also struggling financially and in not-so-good marriages themselves) there was no one to take us in. She was also given very little opportunity to get out of the house and make friends. She couldn’t drive, couldn’t afford a babysitter, and my father was so possessive and jealous of her (she was BEAUTIFUL) that it was liken to him keeping her locked away in a ivory tower like Rapunsel. He LIKED her traditional and dependant ... and dependant she was. And she’s the first to admit that now in retrospect.

 

Back then, women weren’t quite so “uppity” and independent as they are now. For anyone interested, you should go back and read some of the literature from the 50’s generation ... you know; “those good ol’ days when women knew their place” (cough, cough)

 

Of course, forty years later, they have managed to work through most of the rough spots ... or perhaps just reached a stage in their life where they’ve become so use to each other they couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. Funny, but now it would be my father who would have a harder time without my mother rather than the other way around.

 

Who knows how my mother ever found the courage to get through some of the MANY painful experiences in her life. She is absolutely my HERO although I could never imagine myself following in her footsteps. But I’m not about to begrudge my folks of the love and comfort they’ve found in staying together. I’m genuinely happy things worked out the way they did. And although I will always love my father ... I still think my mother was way too good for him and could have done MUCH better.

 

Than again ... I wouldn’t be here if she had been any smarter.

[LucreziaBorgia]

That story reminds me of my grandmother. My grandfather cheated on her quite a bit. Even put one of the OW pictures in the family photo album (it was always passed off as 'a friend of the family' but it fooled no one). It was the 50's, she had six children. Her home, maintaining it, and caring for the children were her jobs. She, like most women in her generation, held a part time job before she was married, with the understanding that she would not work when she was married. Not that she felt entitled to it, just that - that is how it was for women in that time. Particularly in the south, were my family is from.

 

I often wonder if she put up with it because of how she and my grandfather got together? He went after her with a vengeance, and she kept her distance because it was widely known that he was engaged to be married. My grandmother held out, and refused to date him. My grandfather, on the day of his wedding simply didn't show up for the wedding. His bride did, and all of her family, and she waited at the church for a groom who never showed. A week later, my grandfather took my grandmother out on their first date - and they sat right behind the jilted bride! My grandmother always felt bad for that, and I wonder if that may have been part of why she tolerated the OW in their marriage, because on some level she may have felt like she deserved it, even though she really didn't. Things weren't as 'grey' and permissive as they are now, though and I'm sure she was hard on herself about it.

 

My grandmother was not happy or satisfied with him, and they spent the last twenty years they had together in separate bedrooms (my grandfather was a HORRIBLE snorer, as well, so that had something to do with it). Why did she stay? Its like that saying.... "Its my lot in life. It ain't a lot, but its life." Not a lot of women in my grandmother's time, position, or in her small town really had many options. Lots of women 'looked the other way' when their husbands carried on with the 'hussies' of the time, and OC were regarded as open secrets as well. I can remember being at the hospital with my family later on before my grandmother died, and we saw a man walk by who resembled one of my grandfather's brothers. All my family huddled and whispered, and someone finally clued me in that it was "your father's uncle F's bastard son", and they all said hello to him sweet as pie. They knew. He knew. Everyone knew. Just no one ever really said anything outright. That's just how it was. Is.

[Meaplus3]

So, is it possible that a wife could feel the exact same thing about her husband? That he isn't serial cheater?

 

Very possible. I guess in my intial question I should have stated it more like a W who has the proof of many other affair's not just one ea or pa where the H clearly made a one time BIG mistake.

 

AP:)

[Integra]

AP, are you sure that the W

has "proof" of these many affairs?

I mean come on here, you (as well

as her H) gaslighted this woman about

your relationship. She flat out asked

you abour your relationship with her H

and you lied. So what makes

you think she has proof of any

other A's. (Which from what I understand

You can't prove concretely either).

[whichwayisup]

Very possible. I guess in my intial question I should have stated it more like a W who has the proof of many other affair's not just one ea or pa where the H clearly made a one time BIG mistake.

 

It all depends on what happens after D-Day. Even after finding out a spouse has had 2 affairs, the wife could easily forgive him and give him a second chance.

 

Someone mentioned you don't know what you're going to do until you're in that particular situation, and I think that's true. It also depends on what else is going on in one's life. Children, ill parents, money issues, health issues...It isn't so easy just to up and leave when it happens.

[Integra]

Alot rides on Dday. What all is said, how it

is reacted to.. But also what happens right

after Dday as well. What all has the WS

said, &/or is doing to

 

1) Smooth things out, just to get by

or

2) Really put in the effort to let the

BS KNOW and FEEL that the WS

is remorseful. And is what they

are willing to do to try and rebuild.

 

I'm sorry to say AP, but you will really

never know what her reasons for

staying with her H are.. But more importantly

I just feel that the questioning you have concerning

her motives &/or feelings is very counter-productive

if you want your M w/ your H to work out.

[Meaplus3]

Alot rides on Dday. What all is said, how it

is reacted to.. But also what happens right

after Dday as well. What all has the WS

said, &/or is doing to

 

1) Smooth things out, just to get by

or

2) Really put in the effort to let the

BS KNOW and FEEL that the WS

is remorseful. And is what they

are willing to do to try and rebuild.

 

I'm sorry to say AP, but you will really

never know what her reasons for

staying with her H are.. But more importantly

I just feel that the questioning you have concerning

her motives &/or feelings is very counter-productive

if you want your M w/ your H to work out.

 

Integra, I agree with you that it probably is counter-productive. But I will say this. Sometimes, just posting and sharing a thought here on LS helps! I mean after all my venting about telling his wife saved me from going through with it and I am thankful for that because I could see that telling mm's W would not really accomplish all that much. I would not be able to face her ever again.

 

AP:)

[Integra]

I think that it is a really good thing

that you use LS as a venting/info

source.. I do believe that being able to

just let out our pent up feelings/thoughts

to an audience that can be fairly

obejective (since most can be in a

similiar situation & yet not exact)

helps to put things in perspective.

 

I can say this. I have noticed that the

time in between you asking questions

about MM's W/ & or their M is

becoming longer. This is a good sign.

It tells me that these questions probably

aren't nagging at you quite as often as they

were. Even if you feel like the thoughts aren't

decreasing, you aren't having to vent or

questions as often. That is still progress!

[2sunny]

AP

 

quit worrying about your neighbor and concentrate on your own home life. you will be much happier!

[Meaplus3]

I think that it is a really good thing

that you use LS as a venting/info

source.. I do believe that being able to

just let out our pent up feelings/thoughts

to an audience that can be fairly

obejective (since most can be in a

similiar situation & yet not exact)

helps to put things in perspective.

 

I can say this. I have noticed that the

time in between you asking questions

about MM's W/ & or their M is

becoming longer. This is a good sign.

It tells me that these questions probably

aren't nagging at you quite as often as they

were. Even if you feel like the thoughts aren't

decreasing, you aren't having to vent or

questions as often. That is still progress!

 

Thank you Integra for your kind word's.

 

AP:)

[greengoddess]

OMG give it a rest already.

 

He does not want you. He is happy with his family. You threw yourself at this man even discussing prancing around in lingerie and he still wouldn't touch you. The guy is probably a harmless flirt. He was probably tellling his wife about your crush on him the whole time and they probably giggles about it together.

 

Why do you want this man's homelife to be destroyed (wife leaving) because he was flirting with you. Do you want to punish him because he rejected you.

 

You told your own husband a story that he was fine with. If I recall he is still friendly with this guy.

 

STOP before you ruin your marriage and his. Actually you seem very unhappy and lonely that you are still pining over this guy. It's seriously time to reexamine your own marriage and stay out of your neighbors.

 

Bunny boiler to the extreme.

[PoshPrincess]

OMG give it a rest already.

 

He does not want you. He is happy with his family. You threw yourself at this man even discussing prancing around in lingerie and he still wouldn't touch you. The guy is probably a harmless flirt. He was probably tellling his wife about your crush on him the whole time and they probably giggles about it together.

 

Why do you want this man's homelife to be destroyed (wife leaving) because he was flirting with you. Do you want to punish him because he rejected you.

 

You told your own husband a story that he was fine with. If I recall he is still friendly with this guy.

 

STOP before you ruin your marriage and his. Actually you seem very unhappy and lonely that you are still pining over this guy. It's seriously time to reexamine your own marriage and stay out of your neighbors.

 

Bunny boiler to the extreme.

 

Hmmm, I detect a very bitter BS here! I don't think APs mm is giggling with his W behind her back. Yes, it IS quite likely that he has put the blame on her, but that doesn't mean he had no feelings for her. As has been said, no one knows, until they've been in the same position!

 

As for the question, which I shall answer in the hypotethical way that I take it to be intended, there are many many many reasons, I would imagine, depending entirely on the person. As far as I see, the number one reason for a BS taking back a serial cheater would be that they are not aware of the truth in the first place. I know for a fact that my exmm lied to his W about the extent of our A so there must be plenty more who do the same. As we know, there are also women/men who take back cheating partner time and again, knowing they are a serial cheat, simply because they can't bear to be without them. I would imagine that a lot of this comes down to self-esteem issues but also there are other factors, such a finances, the fear of being alone/lonely, children to care for, etc.... or just simply that they seriously do believe they married for better for worse and feel that they should honour that commitment no matter what. Everyone has a different attitude and has their reasons whether we agree with them or not. There are plenty of women who stay with their husbands despite having the cr*p kicked out of them every day, so turning a blind eye to cheating probably isn't that surprising. There are people who love their WS so much that they would put up with anything to keep them.

[Kazan]

Good Question! I think because he know's in his heart that I am NOT a serial cheat.

 

AP:)

 

he's more forgiving than i... if my wife cheated on me.. she'd be gone

[reboot]

he's more forgiving than i... if my wife cheated on me.. she'd be gone

Most people say that, you'd be surprised how many don't follow through though. At first anyway.