Husband Cheat's W probably know's and accepts it?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do you see what I mean? Rejetion, Rejection. REJECTION!

 

Nope.

 

Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES.

 

See what *I* mean?

[Integra]

My understanding, please correct if I'm wrong)

is that your H has always rejected you in one

form or another. You say that he is verbally

abusive. I'm not trying to bring more hurt by asking

this, but it will help make things a clearer for me

and maybe even you.

 

The verbal abuse from your H.. How do I

word this.... Does he verbally abuse you in

the way fo saying things like "YOU STUPID

B*&^%.. I HATE YOU... " and so on...

Or is the verbal abuse more along the lines

of " YOU DIDN'T DO IT RIGHT... YOU NEVER

DO IT RIGHT".. I quess what I'm asking is this

is his verbal abuse more direct attacks on you

and your person... Or .. Is it more along the lines

of constantly making you feel like nothing you

do is good enough, making you feel rejected

by him??

 

The reason I'm asking this is because I know

from experience that sometimes, people who

are rejecting us, or putting us down (in a matter

that seem constant to us) really don't know that

they are doing it... Just trying to get a better

understanding of the dynamic between you and your H. Because honestly, you never really go

into much detail about your H and your relationship with him. You've only really shared

that he is verbally abusive.. You have shared

way more about MM & is family than your own.

[Meaplus3]

AP, your a wonderful person! I'm sorry but if you were "on the market" I would bet money that TONS of guys would want you!

 

Do you know why your husband puts you down like that?

 

Thank you for the compliment, as I don't get that many so it feel's real good! I think it's stress. Work related(he's a very hard worker, very bright man) Kid's, we have 3 and they can make us both crazy from time to time. I also think it's what he saw growing up. I noticed that his dad alway's put down his Mom, she hardly even spoke and never defended herself. See I have a mouth and I will use it. I have a hard time taking it and feel I should not have to. It's not a sign of Love to me at all!

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Nope.

 

Excuses, excuses, EXCUSES.

 

See what *I* mean?

 

Yes, Yes, YES! I do!

[Cobra_X30]

Thank you for the compliment, as I don't get that many so it feel's real good! I think it's stress. Work related(he's a very hard worker, very bright man) Kid's, we have 3 and they can make us both crazy from time to time. I also think it's what he saw growing up. I noticed that his dad alway's put down his Mom, she hardly even spoke and never defended herself. See I have a mouth and I will use it. I have a hard time taking it and feel I should not have to. It's not a sign of Love to me at all!

 

AP:)

 

Let me explain why many guys do this! Its a psychological technique called leveling! Your husband sees what a wonderful, intelligent, and happy person you are. Deep down he doesnt feel this way about himself, in fact he doesnt really like lots of things about himself and he thinks you will also not like those parts. So he tries to equal things out by bringing you down to his level! Because if you dont feel good enough... just like him, then you wont leave! In fact you will love him more, because you will feel so flawed right? It is kind of a bully mentality! He more than likely learned to do this from his father! Deep down I would bet he realizes how special you are... and it makes him feel worse about himself!

 

Now, that may not be the case... maybe he is just a jerk in how he communicates. I dont know for sure... but this is how I am reading it from the info provided!

[Integra]

Let me explain why many guys do this! Its a psychological technique called leveling! Your husband sees what a wonderful, intelligent, and happy person you are. Deep down he doesnt feel this way about himself, in fact he doesnt really like lots of things about himself and he thinks you will also not like those parts. So he tries to equal things out by bringing you down to his level! Because if you dont feel good enough... just like him, then you wont leave! In fact you will love him more, because you will feel so flawed right? It is kind of a bully mentality! He more than likely learned to do this from his father! Deep down I would bet he realizes how special you are... and it makes him feel worse about himself!

 

Now, that may not be the case... maybe he is just a jerk in how he communicates. I dont know for sure... but this is how I am reading it from the info provided!

 

 

This is exactly why I was asking the questions about

AP's H's verbal abuse!!!

 

My H was this kind of bully for roughly the first 9yrs of our M.

Now 13yrs into our M he is a completely different person.

We went through alot of hell to get better. But if this

is what AP's H's problem is, then I know that the

behavior can be changed. But it takes long, hard work

on the part of both partners.

[Cobra_X30]

This is exactly why I was asking the questions about

AP's H's verbal abuse!!!

 

My H was this kind of bully for roughly the first 9yrs of our M.

Now 13yrs into our M he is a completely different person.

We went through alot of hell to get better. But if this

is what AP's H's problem is, then I know that the

behavior can be changed. But it takes long, hard work

on the part of both partners.

 

Hey do me a favor and look up some threads by Redfathom and see if they match that patter too! Your experience is amazing because I've never seen anyone get through that! You friend have a lot to share with this board!!!

[Integra]

I'm not sure how well I'll be able to share

my experience. This whole forum thing is

new to me. Well, posting anyway.

 

I feel that I'm very lucky, after all that we

have been through, that my H and I, very

honestly, have a better relationship now

13yrs later, than we did even from the

beginning of our M. One day I may

share my whole story.. But it would be

LONNNGGGG:)

[Meaplus3]

This is exactly why I was asking the questions about

AP's H's verbal abuse!!!

 

My H was this kind of bully for roughly the first 9yrs of our M.

Now 13yrs into our M he is a completely different person.

We went through alot of hell to get better. But if this

is what AP's H's problem is, then I know that the

behavior can be changed. But it takes long, hard work

on the part of both partners.

 

 

WOW Integra that is amazing that he's changed. I don't know of anyone else either that made it through an abusive marriage. So many people are telling me to run and fast! But if there is hope than I am willing to try and figure it out. I need to try and have a more positive attitude about it, however when you dealing with beign screamed at and put down, it's very difficult to see a "Bright and shiney" out come. What did it for your H do you think? What made him change so?

 

AP:)

[EnigmaXOXO]

So many people are telling me to run and fast!

 

Not me.

 

Wouldn’t send you off with your guns half cocked. Without any forethought or direction, you’re liable to accidentally shoot yourself in the foot again.

 

Enough to just get yourself out of this perpetual holding pattern you’ve gotten comfortable in and do the leg work necessary to figure out whether your marriage is still worth the effort or not.

 

One small step at a time!

[Meaplus3]

Not me.

 

Wouldn’t send you off with your guns half cocked. Without any forethought or direction, you’re liable to accidentally shoot yourself in the foot again.

 

Enough to just get yourself out of this perpetual holding pattern you’ve gotten comfortable in and do the leg work necessary to figure out whether your marriage is still worth the effort or not.

 

One small step at a time!

 

Enigma, Integra and Cobra, I have to thank you all so much today for really making me think, I needed that! It's very hard to speak about abuse to other's because it carries with it such a deep feeling of shame. Thank's to you all I have been able today to gather few good thing's to ponder. You are prime examples of how LS can help other's. Hug's!

 

AP:)

[Integra]

I'm glad that you are feeling better. And

that you have a few things to think about.

 

I'm not going to tell you run either. I don't

know to what degree you H's verbal abuse/bullying

is. Like I said before, I don't live with you. And only

you know when you've had enough (funny huh, just

like w/mm;))

 

I can now look back over the years and I

can see when my H's started and what

made it start. And believe me, it had everything

to do w/ how he felt about himself & very little

to do w/me in the beginning. But it drove me to

do things I've regretted (that made him worse) and that

drove him to do things he regretted.

 

But, I'm here to tell ya AP.. It can get

better. Both of you have to want it to

get better.

 

What made my H change? We've gone through

so much. Boy, I think I'l probably have to start

a thread to tell the whole story.

[Meaplus3]

I'm glad that you are feeling better. And

that you have a few things to think about.

 

I'm not going to tell you run either. I don't

know to what degree you H's verbal abuse/bullying

is. Like I said before, I don't live with you. And only

you know when you've had enough (funny huh, just

like w/mm;))

 

I can now look back over the years and I

can see when my H's started and what

made it start. And believe me, it had everything

to do w/ how he felt about himself & very little

to do w/me in the beginning. But it drove me to

do things I've regretted (that made him worse) and that

drove him to do things he regretted.

 

But, I'm here to tell ya AP.. It can get

better. Both of you have to want it to

get better.

 

What made my H change? We've gone through

so much. Boy, I think I'l probably have to start

a thread to tell the whole story.

 

Integra, You should start a Thread because I am sure you could reach other's like you have have managed to reach me. I will tell you that back when H and I were talking with the pastor who married us he said alot to us. I don't know if my H recall's this (after all he is a guy and I don't expect him to be a complete sap and recall everything) The pastor said "What's a word that you would use to describe your H toward's you in a loving marriage? I said "Gentle". The pastor contiued to say something to the affect that when that word is no longer can describe your marrige then you are not living the godly life you choose as man and wife. Now I am NOT a big religon person, but what he said I recall and I think it was for a reason. One of the big reason's I was attracted to MM was because he is a "Gentle" man. He even respected me enough not to have sex with me. So do you see what I am saying here?? I fell so deep for mm because he "Respected me" and was gentle.

 

AP:)