Husband Cheat's W probably know's and accepts it?

[greengoddess]

Hmmm, I detect a very bitter BS here! I don't think APs mm is giggling with his W behind her back. Yes, it IS quite likely that he has put the blame on her, but that doesn't mean he had no feelings for her. As has been said, no one knows, until they've been in the same position!

 

As for the question, which I shall answer in the hypotethical way that I take it to be intended, there are many many many reasons, I would imagine, depending entirely on the person. As far as I see, the number one reason for a BS taking back a serial cheater would be that they are not aware of the truth in the first place. I know for a fact that my exmm lied to his W about the extent of our A so there must be plenty more who do the same. As we know, there are also women/men who take back cheating partner time and again, knowing they are a serial cheat, simply because they can't bear to be without them. I would imagine that a lot of this comes down to self-esteem issues but also there are other factors, such a finances, the fear of being alone/lonely, children to care for, etc.... or just simply that they seriously do believe they married for better for worse and feel that they should honour that commitment no matter what. Everyone has a different attitude and has their reasons whether we agree with them or not. There are plenty of women who stay with their husbands despite having the cr*p kicked out of them every day, so turning a blind eye to cheating probably isn't that surprising. There are people who love their WS so much that they would put up with anything to keep them.

 

 

Not a BS at all. Are you familiar with answerplease's story? Go back and read the desperation she went to, the constantly being told know and then the denial she fed herself and now she keeps harping on this guys wife when she supposedly told her husband the whole thing and his wife was never told.

 

Go back and read her posts and see if that gives you a new perspective. I think it may. I also think you are just jumping to stick up for her because she is a supposed ow (which I don't believe she ever was). Read her posts first. Don't always jump to the side of ow and yell foul your a bs and furthermore this was posted in the marriage section not infidelity or ow/om.

[Kazan]

Most people say that, you'd be surprised how many don't follow through though. At first anyway.

 

go read my thread to understand the context.. she cheated on me i'd have her gone

[reboot]

go read my thread to understand the context.. she cheated on me i'd have her gone

My point was, not everyone feels the same way, and your post was merely projecting how you feel. Not particularly useful for the OP.

[whichwayisup]

I don't believe AP was the OW. They had an inappropriate friendship that crossed lines emotionally, it never turned into a full-on sneaking around, relationship sexual affair. They both allowed feelings to grow between them, knew it was wrong but still allowed it to happen. It ended, it's over and I think AP has done a great job working through this and moving on.

 

She may still have some lingering feelings for him, but she isn't obsessed about him, pining for him, wishing he was back in her life like before. She's worked really hard on herself to get past this. I know this because I've been helping her for a while through PM's.

[Woggle]

Most people say that, you'd be surprised how many don't follow through though. At first anyway.

 

I did follow through and I would again if my current wife were to cheat.

[reboot]

I did follow through and I would again if my current wife were to cheat.

Ok guys, I bow to how much more manly you are than me. *shrug*

[greengoddess]

pp here is a post that pretty much sums up her affair and why I made the comments I did.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1292802&postcount=81

[Woggle]

Ok guys, I bow to how much more manly you are than me. *shrug*

 

It has nothing to do with being manly or not. I promised to be faithful as well as my wife and I stick to that promise. I don't think it is unreasonable that I expect her to stick to her promise as well and I feel that I have the right to end the marriage if she breaks it.

[Meaplus3]

I don't believe AP was the OW. They had an inappropriate friendship that crossed lines emotionally, it never turned into a full-on sneaking around, relationship sexual affair. They both allowed feelings to grow between them, knew it was wrong but still allowed it to happen. It ended, it's over and I think AP has done a great job working through this and moving on.

 

She may still have some lingering feelings for him, but she isn't obsessed about him, pining for him, wishing he was back in her life like before. She's worked really hard on herself to get past this. I know this because I've been helping her for a while through PM's.

 

Whichway, THANK YOU!!!:) Golly goodness people? Give me a bit of a break! This site has helped me through so much. It took AWAY the feeling's of telling this man's W and While it's VERY tough living so close to this mm whom I had been involved with I am doing it. Do I know exactly what to do about my marriage NO? All I know is I do NOT have a thing to do with mm and I have been very good about sticking with that!

 

GG, Your comment is not going to bring me down one bit! Nor will any other Negative insult's!

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

pp here is a post that pretty much sums up her affair and why I made the comments I did.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1292802&postcount=81

 

That was then, this is now.

 

You're welcome AP.

[greengoddess]

It is not a negative insult. You should not be worrying about his wife at all and I am sure you know that.

 

Why are you wondering why his wife stayed with him when you never even told her? Your husband has more details he's with you. This woman is in the dark and you can't believe she hasn't left him?

 

I read that as meaning, OMG she is so stupid she should know he is a cheat and leave him and then maybe he will want me. Of course next your mind will go back to wanting to tell her.

[greengoddess]

That was then, this is now.

 

You're welcome AP.

 

 

of course it is bit the reality is she was the persuer and by wondering why his wife hasn't left I think she still wants to persue.

 

It boggles the mind that she can't comprehend why the wife is still with him when the wife knows nothing. From reading her accounts the man and his wife have a good marriage. She needs to leave it in the past once and for all and not think about his family.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Do I know exactly what to do about my marriage NO?

 

I think this is what you and your husband should be focusing on. And it’s going to be difficult for you to get your head back in the game as long as you’re still distracted about the condition of your neighbor’s nuptials.

 

Have you figured out yet what makes you feel so discontented with your own husband and marriage? If it were within your power to change things within your household to make you and everyone happier what do you think it/they would they be???

 

And the question is posed merely as hypothetical ... so all things are possible and all outcomes probable. So don’t be stingy with your wish list! Just make one, than start tackling them one at a time ... starting with the easiest ones to accomplish first.

[Meaplus3]

I think this is what you and your husband should be focusing on. And it’s going to be difficult for you to get your head back in the game as long as you’re still distracted about the condition of your neighbor’s nuptials.

 

Have you figured out yet what makes you feel so discontented with your own husband and marriage? If it were within your power to change things within your household to make you and everyone happier what do you think it/they would they be???

 

And the question is posed merely as hypothetical ... so all things are possible and all outcomes probable. So don’t be stingy with your wish list! Just make one, than start tackling them one at a time ... starting with the easiest ones to accomplish first.

 

EnigmaXOXO, Why am I disconnected? Well, he verbally abuses me on a daily basis. He was in anger management but NO longer goes. We talked about MC, but I am so afraid it won't change much.

 

AP:)

[greengoddess]

EnigmaXOXO, Why am I disconnected? Well, he verbally abuses me on a daily basis. He was in anger management but NO longer goes. We talked about MC, but I am so afraid it won't change much.

 

AP:)

 

 

Did he abuse you before he found out about your crush or just after? I don't remeber you talking about him abusing you. I think maybe you see the neighbor as someone who could rescue you from your marriage. He can't only you can do that from within.

[Integra]

I agree with Enigma. Your focus should be on

trying to figure out what the disconnect between

you and your H are. That is the next step..

You are seperating your feelings for MM enough

now to begin doing that.

 

WhichWay is also correct. AP wasn't really an

OW in an active A. She developed feelings for

this MM that went to far, for her. He refused

her advances.

 

AP.. I'm not trying to ruffle feathers with my

following observation, I know you have been

in a tough spot, but, I'm sharing anyway.

I'm starting to think alot of the "obsession" (for

lack of a better word) that you have had in the

past concerning MM & his W has been due to

rejection. This man did reject you in a very personal

way. And that had to hurt, and knock the wind

out of your ego sails. That hurt you alot. Then

when it ended, it hurt you even more that he was

going on w/ life like you hadn't ever experienced

those things. Double rejection, in a very confusing

situation to begin with. Next, you started to see

that maybe you weren't the only one that this MM

had a "friendship" with. More rejection, in the sense

that not only were your feelings not recipricated (?)

but you now feel like your weren't even the only one.

 

I think this had alot to do with you wanting to

tell his wife. I think deep down inside that you

did want his wife to throw is useless ass out,

but not for the same reason most OW

do. Deep down at that point, you didn't really

"want" him. You wanted him to feel the pain

and humiliation of rejection. I feel like you wanted

his wife to reject him for being the way he is, and

also you being able to reject him, if he came

crying to you.

 

I could be way off. But I really see so

much pain in your post that seem to

stem from rejection. I don't know what

all was said by your H when you told him

(well, you didn't tell him everything) about

your interactin w/ MM. If he has said

negative or hurtful things (again I don't live

w/you so I don't know for a fact) that's

more rejection. When we already feel really

bad about ourselves, rejection of any type

feels far worse.

 

Hang in there AP. Some of us have

seen you change and progress made.

Even if we've never shared before.

[Meaplus3]

Did he abuse you before he found out about your crush or just after? I don't remeber you talking about him abusing you. I think maybe you see the neighbor as someone who could rescue you from your marriage. He can't only you can do that from within.

 

GG, This has been going on with H many year's before the ea thing with mm. Yes you are probably right about me wanting mm to rescue me from my marriage. Not the case now, but yes that was there.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

of course it is bit the reality is she was the persuer and by wondering why his wife hasn't left I think she still wants to persue.

 

It boggles the mind that she can't comprehend why the wife is still with him when the wife knows nothing. From reading her accounts the man and his wife have a good marriage. She needs to leave it in the past once and for all and not think about his family.

 

What does all that matter now? It's in the past and AP has done alot in the past few months to move on and let go.

 

Doesn't matter who pursused who, they both allowed it to happen. Anyway, it's a mute point because there is no more affair.

[Meaplus3]

I agree with Enigma. Your focus should be on

trying to figure out what the disconnect between

you and your H are. That is the next step..

You are seperating your feelings for MM enough

now to begin doing that.

 

WhichWay is also correct. AP wasn't really an

OW in an active A. She developed feelings for

this MM that went to far, for her. He refused

her advances.

 

AP.. I'm not trying to ruffle feathers with my

following observation, I know you have been

in a tough spot, but, I'm sharing anyway.

I'm starting to think alot of the "obsession" (for

lack of a better word) that you have had in the

past concerning MM & his W has been due to

rejection. This man did reject you in a very personal

way. And that had to hurt, and knock the wind

out of your ego sails. That hurt you alot. Then

when it ended, it hurt you even more that he was

going on w/ life like you hadn't ever experienced

those things. Double rejection, in a very confusing

situation to begin with. Next, you started to see

that maybe you weren't the only one that this MM

had a "friendship" with. More rejection, in the sense

that not only were your feelings not recipricated (?)

but you now feel like your weren't even the only one.

 

I think this had alot to do with you wanting to

tell his wife. I think deep down inside that you

did want his wife to throw is useless ass out,

but not for the same reason most OW

do. Deep down at that point, you didn't really

"want" him. You wanted him to feel the pain

and humiliation of rejection. I feel like you wanted

his wife to reject him for being the way he is, and

also you being able to reject him, if he came

crying to you.

 

I could be way off. But I really see so

much pain in your post that seem to

stem from rejection. I don't know what

all was said by your H when you told him

(well, you didn't tell him everything) about

your interactin w/ MM. If he has said

negative or hurtful things (again I don't live

w/you so I don't know for a fact) that's

more rejection. When we already feel really

bad about ourselves, rejection of any type

feels far worse.

 

Hang in there AP. Some of us have

seen you change and progress made.

Even if we've never shared before.

 

Integra, You are VERY right about the REJECTION part it hurt like Heck! Also, I guess I ended up becoming very dissapointed to learn of mm's true character.

 

Having the mm reject me, realizing mm was not the kind of person I thought he was and then living with a man that put's me down, well some day's I have felt about 2 feet tall.

 

AP:)

[EnigmaXOXO]

We talked about MC, but I am so afraid it won't change much.

 

You could be absolutely right. But you really won’t know unless you give it a try. At least there’s no fault or residual guilt in trying. Hey ... that’s one less “what if” and “why” you’ll be struggling to find answers to all by yourself later on.

 

The alternative is to linger indefinitely in purgatory until the distance and resentments between the two of you spiral out of control. Laying low and just hoping problems and people will just vaporize never works. I’ve tried it ... and for all my earnest wishing, when I opened my eyes there was never any “poof”.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that counseling never offers us any guarantees for a quick fix or remedy. But if you stick with it, it’ll sure help you to put things into better perspective, offer alternative strategies in place of what hasn’t been working thus far, as well as giving you some sense that you are still in charge of yourself even when not in control of what’s happening around you. There’s a lot of self esteem and confidence to be gained in that which you can then go out and apply in other areas of your life even if it doesn't help to save your marriage.

 

And at the end of the day, if the two of you still decide to part ways, at least there’s some comfort to found in knowing you gave it your very best try. No residual guilt or second guessing as to whether or not you made the right choice.

[Meaplus3]

You could be absolutely right. But you really won’t know unless you give it a try. At least there’s no fault or residual guilt in trying. Hey ... that’s one less “what if” and “why” you’ll be struggling to find answers to all by yourself later on.

 

The alternative is to linger indefinitely in purgatory until the distance and resentments between the two of you spiral out of control. Laying low and just hoping problems and people will just vaporize never works. I’ve tried it ... and for all my earnest wishing, when I opened my eyes there was never any “poof”.

 

I’ll be the first to admit that counseling never offers us any guarantees for a quick fix or remedy. But if you stick with it, it’ll sure help you to put things into better perspective, offer alternative strategies in place of what hasn’t been working thus far, as well as giving you some sense that you are still in charge of yourself even when not in control of what’s happening around you. There’s a lot of self esteem and confidence to be gained in that which you can then go out and apply in other areas of your life even if it doesn't help to save your marriage.

 

And at the end of the day, if the two of you still decide to part ways, at least there’s some comfort to found in knowing you gave it your very best try. No residual guilt or second guessing as to whether or not you made the right choice.

 

Ya know, I guess I am just so afraid of the fact that it's not going to work, I mean it really has never worked from the start and that's the truth. Now we have three kid's to consider and it makes the whole mess even that much harder, do you know what I mean?

 

AP:)

[EnigmaXOXO]

As far as “afraid” ... I think your “self doubt” has probably been your biggest adversary so far. Which is why you’ve been trying to conquer it in all the wrong ways ... Or at least in ways that only ends up feeding the beast.

 

Being rejected by the neighbor is really not so far removed from the “put downs” you say you receive from your own husband. Then to add insult to injury ... you sabotage yourself by lending validity to their claims.

 

So what’s your philosophy ... can’t beat the b*stards, so may as well join ‘um (???)

 

How’s that been working for you so far?

[lindya]

Not a lot of women in my grandmother's time, position, or in her small town really had many options. Lots of women 'looked the other way' when their husbands carried on with the 'hussies' of the time, and OC were regarded as open secrets as well. I can remember being at the hospital with my family later on before my grandmother died, and we saw a man walk by who resembled one of my grandfather's brothers. All my family huddled and whispered, and someone finally clued me in that it was "your father's uncle F's bastard son", and they all said hello to him sweet as pie. They knew. He knew. Everyone knew. Just no one ever really said anything outright. That's just how it was. Is.

 

I can think of similar scenarios from when I was growing up. My parents' circle of friends included a sprinkling of wealthy businessmen and their wives. A couple of those men were absolute charmers, and even as a child I would take it as read that these men sometimes had mistresses...just like the scenarios I'd read about in the racy books I wasn't supposed to be reading.

 

Once I was in my teens, I had some of those thoughts confirmed. My dad would tell me about the men who were having affairs - with strict instructions that I was not to tell their kids (some of whom were friends of mine). I'd also know when a mistress was going to be dumped...usually because she was putting pressure on the guy to leave his wife. There was absolutely no question of me ever revealing anything to those kids. Even if I had a major argument with them, it was a boundary not to ever be crossed - and I didn't tell any other kids either. Not even my best friend. The potential consequences of leaking info like that were far too huge. To this day, I don't know if other kids knew the same amount of gossip that I did, and just avoided talking about it....or if I was privy to an unusual amount of info for someone my age.

 

I'd know, from my mum, that the wife knew about the affair. I'd learn from my mum that the real prize in all of this, the thing that the mistress was coveting, was really the wife's very nice lifestyle. The sports car, the lovely house, the holidays, the jewellery, the lovely easy life....

 

I never really considered the notion of the mistresses actually being in love with those men - although the guys I'm thinking of were very likeable and good-humoured. As an adult, I can understand why women would have fallen in love with them....but back then I didn't really think of grown ups getting romantic crushes in the way that I had crushes on boys. My perception was just of rather hard-faced, aggressive women whose husbands weren't wealthy enough for their liking, and who were chasing after the kind of lifestyle they saw a wealthier woman in their social network having. I also realised sex played a big part of it, but I didn't dwell on that as the notion of those people having sex with eachother just struck the 15 year old me as laughable and somewhat grim.

 

No doubt guided by my mother, my sympathies were firmly with the wives in these matters. I also implicitly understood that the only way for the wife to hold onto the husband and lifestyle that she loved was to turn a blind eye. If she got drawn into confrontation, she'd sabotage the "ladylike" demeanour that had won her so much in the way of wealth, friends and respect for being..."a lady". I know it sounds terribly naff.

 

I think things have changed to a certain extent, in that women have far higher expectations of fidelity now. Turning a blind eye isn't so much the ladylike thing to do as being something that will be viewed as cowardice and weakness.....but whatever the changing social perceptions of that behaviour, I think old-fashioned models of "what a lady does" still lurk in a lot of women's minds and result in a lot of confusion as to precisely what they should do when they suspect their partner is cheating on them. And I think what they do do often hinges a great deal on how much they stand to lose if they confront their partner and go down the divorce route. Not just in terms of a husband and a very comfortable lifestyle, but also in terms of their social circle. However far we might have come, the human resistance to dramatic lifestyle changes is still a very powerful force.

[Meaplus3]

As far as “afraid” ... I think your “self doubt” has probably been your biggest adversary so far. Which is why you’ve been trying to conquer it in all the wrong ways ... Or at least in ways that only ends up feeding the beast.

 

Being rejected by the neighbor is really not so far removed from the “put downs” you say you receive from your own husband. Then to add insult to injury ... you sabotage yourself by lending validity to their claims.

 

So what’s your philosophy ... can’t beat the b*stards, so may as well join ‘um (???)

 

How’s that been working for you so far?

 

Enigma, Gosh I think the key for me here with all of this C*** is getting past the deep rooted feeling's of rejection! Being put down every day over such small little thing's is so upsetting, that come's from H. Now the strange this with the xmm here is that he sent me so many signal's even though he rejected me for SEX, he still accepted me in other's way which lead to false hope, so much confusion and then as a result even more rejection. I Think this is why my head has been spinning for so long now!

 

One of the way's I am dealing with the put down's by my H is by not reacting, that seem's to help some however what kind of way of life is that? Then theres the reality of ok I do end up getting divorced who is going to want me? H show's me so much disrepect with his word's, I'm not good enough for xmm, so what do I end up alone? Do you see what I mean? Rejetion, Rejection. REJECTION!

 

AP:)

[Cobra_X30]

Enigma, Gosh I think the key for me here with all of this C*** is getting past the deep rooted feeling's of rejection! Being put down every day over such small little thing's is so upsetting, that come's from H. Now the strange this with the xmm here is that he sent me so many signal's even though he rejected me for SEX, he still accepted me in other's way which lead to false hope, so much confusion and then as a result even more rejection. I Think this is why my head has been spinning for so long now!

 

One of the way's I am dealing with the put down's by my H is by not reacting, that seem's to help some however what kind of way of life is that? Then theres the reality of ok I do end up getting divorced who is going to want me? H show's me so much disrepect with his word's, I'm not good enough for xmm, so what do I end up alone? Do you see what I mean? Rejetion, Rejection. REJECTION!

 

AP:)

 

AP, your a wonderful person! I'm sorry but if you were "on the market" I would bet money that TONS of guys would want you!

 

Do you know why your husband puts you down like that?