mixed signals confusion?

[dedo]

Hi there, I have spent that last hour reading archives here to see if others have experienced something similar....but I havent found anything concrete, so here is my story.

 

I am female and in my 30's. About 2 years ago I met a guy online, we were both looking for a friends with benefits relationship. Both of us had never had one before. We became friends first, doing friend stuff, then progessed in the beneficial part.

 

Over a year and a half, we were together, we did all sorts of friend stuff and with the benefits; but werent committed to each other. We had awsome sex togther and got along well together otherwise.

 

Since I had never done this before, I realized that I wanted a real relationship with him, but didnt know how to go about it. I also dont have much experience dating cause I am so shy. He is as well.

 

Then, about a year ago, a female friend of his, who dumped him for 6 months came into the picture, wanted him back out of competition. He got together with her, as he had been hoping to have fantastic sex with her, as she portrays herself to be wild.

 

It didnt work out, she has dumped him again for good.

 

During that time, I tried to remain in some contact with him as we were friends. I dont dump friendships.

 

Over the past several months he has been online trying desperatly to find someone to date. I have given him space.

 

Over a few months he and I would see each other every once in a while and he would snub me, like I didnt exist. I thought perhaps it was his shyness and his feeling of guilt for the way he treated me when he dropped me for the wild chick.

 

We have since had a face to face chat. I told him that we will never have a friends with benefites relationship again. That I dont want this from life; I want to get married and share life with someone who loves me etc. I know that this is what he has always wanted all along as well.

 

I explained to him that he doesnt have to act afraid of being around me, that it takes two to tango so to speak...and I am not interested.

 

I told him that I just want friendship with him. he told me that he was afraid that I wanted to get back together again and he doesnt want that.

 

But. What I dont understand is that every once in a while I will get a strange out of the blue email from him that has nothing to do with anything...its just a statement, no question for me to answer. Its almost as though he is just seeing if I am still around. I must admit though, he does know that I do want a real relationship with him still. He has said that he is not interested. But he is sending me mixed signals.

 

He will ask if I am going out Saturday night to an event, and be excited that I am going; then when I get there I find out that he has invited another girl??? Or, he will be super chatty on the phone and then clam up, once he remembers he is talking to me.

 

I'm thinking that he realizes that he isnt getting anywhere dating and that he is confused with his feelings towrds me, as I want him. That he is just seeing if I am still around....

 

But, i dont want to keep doing this....

[Trimmer]

I think I'm confused, and I'm wondering if you are sending mixed signals, too. Maybe I'm not understanding, but I'm not sure I can reconcile the two following quotes:

 

I explained to him that he doesnt have to act afraid of being around me, that it takes two to tango so to speak...and I am not interested.

 

I told him that I just want friendship with him.

 

I must admit though, he does know that I do want a real relationship with him still.

 

When you say "I do want a real relationship with him," do you mean a real friendship or something more than that? It reads like something more, and I can't tell if you really "just want friendship", or something more.

 

Have you been really been clear with him about what you want? Maybe mixed messages are flying both directions.

[dedo]

yes, sorry. I dont want to write a book, so i didnt write clearly enough. I dont want a friends with benefits relationship with him again. I want a real relationship with him. I have told him this.

 

But for now, I am seeking friendship in hopes it will turn into the real thing.

 

But I am wondering about his mixed signals to me.

[norajane]

But for now, I am seeking friendship in hopes it will turn into the real thing.

 

This is a foolish hope. He's known you for a long time:

Over a year and a half, we were together, we did all sorts of friend stuff and with the benefits; but werent committed to each other. We had awsome sex togther and got along well together otherwise.

He knows you well enough to know if he wants a relationship with you or not. He's not going to suddenly realize he wants you as a girlfriend if you hang around trying to be his friend. He won't learn anything more about you than he already knows.

 

The only thing that might help - might - is if you take yourself out of his life. That might - might - make him realize he really misses having you in his life, and it might - might - make him think about what kind of relationship he can have with you. Maybe.

[Trimmer]

yes, sorry. I dont want to write a book, so i didnt write clearly enough. I dont want a friends with benefits relationship with him again. I want a real relationship with him. I have told him this.

 

But for now, I am seeking friendship in hopes it will turn into the real thing.

 

But I am wondering about his mixed signals to me.

 

So I am still confused about what everyone's intentions are, and whether they've made that clear to the other person.

 

I told him that I just want friendship with him. he told me that he was afraid that I wanted to get back together again and he doesnt want that.

So was it after this at some point that you told him you wanted more than "just friendship?" He had already told you he didn't want to get back together again... How did he respond when you said - after he told you that he didn't want more - that you wanted more?

 

I think he may, indeed be confused. He told you he didn't want to get back together, you are accepting a "just friends" status for now, but either secretly or openly hoping for more....

 

He will ask if I am going out Saturday night to an event, and be excited that I am going; then when I get there I find out that he has invited another girl???

Isn't that what a "just friend" would do? Be glad to see you, but not treat you like you are an exclusive date?

 

It does sound confusing - from your conversations with him, what does he think you two are working on?