What are the chances?

[Susan M.]

Hello. Thank you in advance for reading my post and for any advice that you may choose to provide.

 

I'm a 28-year old female. Last April I met, Bryan, the most wonderful man (he's 29) I've ever met. We hit it off instantly. We have similar backgrounds both educationally and in terms of hobbies/interests as well as future goals. We think a lot alike and have gotten along pretty well over the last year. We've talked about getting married and have discussed the realities/responsibilities of marriage and commitment. It is what we both want together. We were (still are) both very serious.

 

There is one big problem/setback. It is my problem but it has affected our relationship during the rare occasion that we'd fight. When I get angry I become verbally abusive. I don't call him names but I say things that are very hurtful to him...things which I certainly don't mean but say only because I'm angry and hurt and I want to hurt back. The other problem that I have is that I'm somewhat controlling...usually in regards to time. If he doesn't want to spend all of his free time with me I accuse him of not loving me. My controlling nature and verbal warfare has been the cause of deterioration of many previous relationships and was the cause for Bryan breaking up with me on our one-year anniversary, on April 7th.

 

Since April 7th I've begun counselling. I should've done it long ago but didn't really recognize that I had these problems. I always thought that it was the other person, or that my past partners just weren't meant for me. It took me losing the best thing in my life (the first one I was ever serious about having a future with) to realize that I needed to make some changes.

 

I'm into my third week of counselling and have already sensed some positive changes regarding my mental outlook. I'd been writing to Brian on occasion to let him know that I'm serious about getting the help that I need, regardless of whether or not we'd have a future together. I told him that I'd love for him to support me, but that I have no expectations of him...only hope. I know that when I put my mind to something I can accomplish it. I've always been a very hard-working and determined individual. I received my M.B.A within two years of completing my undergraduate studies. I just have faith and believe that I can make the necessary positive changes. I told him that I know that he's hurt and that he needs time, but asked that he not shut me out completely. I'd been there for him during the first 8 months of our relationship when he had back problems and could barely walk. I know that it's a slightly different situation, but still, now I'm facing a difficult time and now is when I need him the most.

 

It took nine days for him to respond. Now he's been contacting me via phone and e-mail pretty regularly. He assured me that there is no question that he loves me and that he misses being with me. He said that he wants to try to "work his way back into my life" but he's afraid that if we see one another that things will go right back to how they were. He said that he's still hurt....one day he'll be better and think that we can work it out and maybe the next he'll think that I'll never change. I know that I want to change and I will change given time.

 

We talked yesterday about meeting to go for a walk on Sunday. He said he needs to think about it more. I want to do things on his time schedule but really miss him in the meantime. He said that he misses being with me too and that he thinks about me a lot. It's like a double-edged sword. I too am afraid to see him, even if it is just on a casual basis because I know that I only have begun to make the necessary changes in these past three weeks. I worry about falling into the same trap again and really losing him for good.

 

I guess my question is, has anyone ever had anger management issues that have been resolved through counselling? I plan on going every week for at least a year. I love this man very much. There was also a true companionship and caring between us. I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I somehow end up losing him. What can I do to assure that this doesn't happen?

 

Thanks again!

[HokeyReligions]

has anyone ever had anger management issues that have been resolved through counselling?

 

Yes.

 

 

I'd regret it for the rest of my life if I somehow end up losing him. What can I do to assure that this doesn't happen?

 

You are doing it. Your focus should be on resolving the anger / control (a/c) issues in your life. Having someone who loves you to support you is wonderful, but you don't need that to succeed.

 

 

You must be patient and accept the fact that Bryan may choose to leave you for good. If that happens it does not mean you should give up, but rather realize that the next man you fall in love with, will be an even better and stronger relationship because of the improvements and personal growth you are experiencing now.

 

Learning and applying the tools necessary to change the a/c issues in your life is not going to happen in a few weeks.

 

Have you discussed this with your counselor? Could and would Bryan be a part of your therapy? I went with my husband several times to anger management, and to his shrink, and I learned a lot about myself and how what I said and did, worked in the relationship.

 

Talk to your doctor about this.