Ways to overcome Jealousy

[Capricorn]

I've noticed a lot of women here have the same jealousy issues I have and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. I think for our own sake and sanity we need to learn how to rise above with these feelings. I wish I knew how to. Lately I'm tired of feeling these bad feelings. I just wish I didn't care anymore. Sometimes I just think I'm not meant to be in a relationship because I don't think I will ever be with a man that makes me feel truely loved and special. Really I don't know why I'm jealous, I'm in shape and always dress nice. When I look in the mirror I'm confident in myself. I always have men telling me I'm pretty but for some reason I feel jealousy quite often. My boyfriend doesn't flirt with other women and I trust him enough to know he wouldn't cheat on me but I still feel jealous that he will desire someone way more than me. The only thing I can think of that could of made me this way is cause my dad cheated on my mom even though my mom was a perfect wife. This all happened when I was a teenager and ever since then I don't trust men. I just wish I could live a normal life and not be constantly wondering who or what my man thinks is better/hotter then me.

[Capricorn]

I guess nobody has any advice? Can anyone atleast relate? My good friend has the same problem, she even went to counseling and that didn't help her!

[squeak]

In my experience people don't feel emotions unless a reason exists for it.

I don't think the jealousy exists in a vacuum. Are specific things being done that are touching on your jealousy nerve? I'm asking because it is difficult to relate to just random feelings of jealousy without some basis. There is always a basis.

 

Sometimes people find it easier to discredit their own feelings and say "I have jealousy issues" rather than look at what may actually be causing them to feel it.

 

I don't know why but it is easier to blame ones own self for being irrational than to actively realize that someone else may be causing those feelings through disrespect or whatever the issue.

[annieo]

I do know how you feel. Some days I get so down on myself that looking in a mirror is painful, and I speak as someone who has received some lovely, spontaneous compliments, which help for awhile and then the old critical voice resurfaces. It's worse as I get older and see lines, lumps and blotches that didn't used to be there.

And all of that self-imposed insecurity and self-loathing makes it very hard to feel good about yourself and therefore not jealous of other people who might be younger, firmer, more whatever. Plus, men look and if you're with a man, I think it's pretty much inevitable that he will notice attractive women. He noticed YOU, didn't he?

The truth be told, don't YOU notice attractive men. Not just for their minds, but occassionally because they look lovely and healthy and glowing, as they ride by on their bikes (ooops! that was me the other day). Do I want to be with this random guy? Nope- just happy to admire. Perhaps it is the same with many men. If it goes beyond the occassional appreciative glance, then I'd get pissed off, too.

[Capricorn]

Yeah it's really ridiculous, I slightly dread getting older! My boyfriends dad is like 52, his girlfriend is only 1 year older then him and he said she is old!!! WTF is that right!!! Women are insecure cause of men. I'm only 26, I consider myself young being I'm not even 30 yet but the other day I was on the phone with my boyfriends dad and we were talking about how my boyfriend just turned 29, then his dad said to me "well I won't ask you how old you are". I said I'm only 26! He acted like I'm over the hill! Well the man is a scumbag, he is totally leading on his girlfriend the "old one" and had pictures of some 30 yr old he met on the computer and he lied to his girlfriend and said he didn't know how they got on there!!! These types of things make me feel even worse. A lot guys I know that are in relationships tell me some ****ed up **** when there women aren't around! A guy I know whos been with his girl for about 5 years told me he gets girls phone numbers at the bar when he goes out with the guys!! Another guy I know he's almost 30, married and has two little girls, hangs out with a bunch of 17 and 18 yr old highschool girls, I doubt his wife knows. Really all this **** men are doing makes me wonder about my man. These men I just mentioned have girlfriends and wives that would be considered attractive but thats still not good enough!!!

[Mallary]

I understand how you feel. i do feel confident when i go out but as soon as i see an attractive girl i know my boyf wil b looking at her to. im with an amazing guy but all men look at other women and fantasise. we all need self confidence but its easier said than done. x

[BlueEyedSarah]

I find writing in a diary/journal helps me a lot when I want to get things off my chest. Once I do that I sleep on the problem or insecurities that bothered me that day, when I wake I usually feel better and think, why on earth did I think that?

[Carbine]

What are you trying to "rise above"? Being honest with yourself? That's not gonna work cause it's a massive contradiction.

 

Looks make a lot of difference to men and to the success of the relationship. My advice to you is to start observing what sorts of women he's visually attracted to - this shouldn't be too hard, he's male afterall - and then make sure you don't drift too far from this stereotype. It won't cure your jealousy but it will certainly help keep it at bay.

 

I'm currently going through this situation which has turned into a kind of experiment for me. It's turning out to be interesting and rather eye-opening. But it's still in the testing stage, so I won't start ranting until I'm proven right .

[Msblueyes]

I hear ya. My xbf of 3 days will look directly at other women in my precence...so lets talk! And tried to hit on two of the girls that used to live in my house...so you know where he is now...out of my place.

 

But I don't know why men do this, because they can? The grass is greener?

 

I don't know if it makes me "jealous" but it does make me feel like chopped liver.

 

It's very sad.

[Amiss]

You shouldn't feel jealous unless there is a reason. Men ALWAYS notice other women! If your BF is chatting up girls then that is wrong and you should date a man who respects you and cares about your feelings. Try not to compare yourself to other women,it's a losing game. Remember-He has chosen to be with you so try to relax and enjoy the good times

[shadowofman]

Are you jealous of other women or possessive of your man? I don't know how to get over being jealous, but possessive is something that you probably won't want to change. Jealousy is a self-esteem issue that he needs to help you get over.

[yippkiyay]

I think its interesting that Shadowman says it has to do wiith self esteem he should check out this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t133559/

[shadowofman]

Jealousy -

1. jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

2. mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

3. vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

4. a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

 

Possessive -

1. jealously opposed to the personal independence of, or to any influence other than one's own upon, a child, spouse, etc.

2. desirous of possessing, esp. excessively so: Young children are so possessive they will not allow others to play with their toys; a possessive lover.

3. of or pertaining to possession or ownership.

 

Similar but different. That is why I am asking.

Is your problem with other men? Are you so unsure of your own appeal that you think of other men as a threat? Are you jealous of other men?

This is a self-esteem issue!

Or...

Is your problem with your control over your woman? As I have said, you probably don't think this is something you need to change. As a monogamous person, you should be fairly comfortable with the idea of owning another person.

[MerryMelodie]

I had a problem with my log in so I had to change my name and password, I am the original poster Capricorn!! Anyway I wanted to respond back. To Carbine, I see your point of trying to look like what my man finds attractive but I already do! So he says. He likes long hair, which I have very long hair, he likes petite women, which I am. He likes the goth look which is how I've always dressed. As far as I know he likes the way I look. To Amiss, that's actually what annoys me that "men always notice other women". That's fine for single men, and when I'm single I'm totally visual myself and I notice all the yummy looking guys. When I'm with someone I very rarely notice other men. I'm always thinking about my man. To Shadowofman, I guess I am possessive. Actually I was thinking about it and the times I've been out with my man and I got jealous it wasn't that I wanted to look like another girl or that I was jealous of their looks but I felt very angry that my man maybe thought they were better or better looking then me. Also I get mad if my man seems really happy to see or talk to another female. So would that be jealousy or possessiveness?

[shadowofman]

Totally possessiveness.

You may not subjectively think that is wrong. The problems will arise at the point that your man feels overly possessed.

I, myself, have a problem with being possessed at all. To each their own.

[MerryMelodie]

It's strange cause I find myself questioning why am I this way? So possessive/jealous. Sometimes I wish I didn't care. I take my relationship very seriously. They say everyone has their fantasy, well mine is to have a beautiful relationship with devotion,romance, and total commitment. I've realized that that can't happen in reality. I just feel like giving up and never being with anyone again cause I feel like no matter how good I am or how hard I try it will never be enough for any man. It seems like a man can never truely love and value only one woman. It's funny cause I've been trying to figure out why I am so untrusting of men. Well I wrote a list of all the men in my life and every single one cheated!!! Why do men pretend they want monogamy when they actually want the exact opposite?

[shadowofman]

Several reasons.

1. Some don't know they are promiscuously inclinded until it's too late, especially if this is one of their first long term relationships. Falling in love with someone is very blinding. Once the honeymoon is over, it's right back to a "normal" or average mindset.

2. Some think that their SO will eventually become promiscuous. These are the guys that think they can get their girls to have threesomes with them.

3. And then, a smaller percentage are the guys that just cheat and love to cheat. Maybe for the thrill. These are the *******s in my book.

The others are just confused. They never knew what they wanted until too late. Most make the same mistakes over and over again. They keep thinking, "This is the girl I could be true to." Eventually they play a risk game. Taking opportunities where they think their girl won't ever find out. Not because they don't love them or that they are not attracted to them. Just an opportunistic risk.

Most men have a promiscuous sexual orientation. It doesn't matter if your Jennifer Aniston. Most men crave variety.

[MerryMelodie]

Well the way I see it is that not all men are exactly the same. I know for sure not all women are the same!! It's not possible that every man on this planet is exactly the same! Sure most men probably are the way you are saying but there are probably also decent men cabable of being happy with one good woman! Atleast I hope so!

[shadowofman]

Exactly, not all men are the same. I happen to believe that most are. The real problem is figuring out whether or not they are truely promiscuous or monogamous before you get romantically involved.

If anyone claims to be promiscous, then you should believe them. They have no reason to lie. Anyone claiming to be monogamous, may or may not be. Whether they know what they are or not. I think this is where you need to test them. Ask them if they want to have a threesome with some hot girl. If they say yes, then they are probably promiscuous. Doesn't mean they would end up cheating, but it does mean that two women are maybe prefered over one. Then once they say yes, you can say that you were just kidding or something. That's what I would do anyway. Trick is, don't let on that you what to hear a no. The person might pick up on that and tell you what you "want" to hear.

Oh yeah, and trying this before you have ever had sex my make a promiscous person decline the offer for a threesome. They may genuinely at that time be more interested in a one on one session first. I would in this case, foreshadow to thressomes in the future and see how they react.

Just an idea. Of course I've never tried it.

[JerseyShortie]

It's tough for women, but I understand how the OP feels. It feels like men are always replacing us even if it's for a few moments by looking at other women or looking at porn. It's no wonder women are the more insecure gender. Everytime we got our back turned or even right infront of us, our own guy, the guy that is suppose to care for us above all other women, is scooping out the "greener grass". I understand that men like women and that is good. But men don't really exercise control anymore. And then they just blame it on the fact that they are "men" and puff out their chests and junk about it.

 

Well, we are chicks. And it's normal to feel slighted when your man is paying attention to other women. It is hurtful.

[shadowofman]

This is actually what angers me about women so much. You all seem to turn it around on yourselves.

"He wants to sleep with another woman, so I must not be hot enough!"

The grass is not greener over the fence, it's just different grass. Variety. A different taste in your mouth. I hate to compare people to cereal, but that is a good metaphor. I'm tired of honeysmacks, I want to try some lucky charms. I don't want lucky charms for the rest of my life either. I would love to have some honeysmacks again for my next meal.

It doesn't matter if your Jessica Alba. I don't want to have sex with her and only her for the rest of my life. Variety is the spice,........oh nevermind.

You'll never understand. What motivates the sexes is different and opposite.

[popey]

OP, I'm with you. Some say that some are just wired as jealous or not jealous naturally. IDK. But yes, if i am single, a good looking guy will keep my attention. If I am in a serious relationship, I'll glance and notice that he's attractive like i'd notice a nice photograph of the ocean, and nothing more. my look honestly isn't extended, bc i don't care. we want this reciprocated. why it is important, and why it is rarely recieved... I too am dealing with.

 

I believe my bf is a good faithful man. I believe that i am a desirable woman, and I believe he is convinced of the same. and I still struggle with what you are describing. still searching to understand.

[pyroguy]

It's tough for women, but I understand how the OP feels. It feels like men are always replacing us even if it's for a few moments by looking at other women or looking at porn. It's no wonder women are the more insecure gender. Everytime we got our back turned or even right infront of us, our own guy, the guy that is suppose to care for us above all other women, is scooping out the "greener grass". I understand that men like women and that is good. But men don't really exercise control anymore. And then they just blame it on the fact that they are "men" and puff out their chests and junk about it.

 

Well, we are chicks. And it's normal to feel slighted when your man is paying attention to other women. It is hurtful.

 

AND

OP, I'm with you. Some say that some are just wired as jealous or not jealous naturally. IDK. But yes, if i am single, a good looking guy will keep my attention. If I am in a serious relationship, I'll glance and notice that he's attractive like i'd notice a nice photograph of the ocean, and nothing more. my look honestly isn't extended, bc i don't care. we want this reciprocated. why it is important, and why it is rarely recieved... I too am dealing with.

 

I believe my bf is a good faithful man. I believe that i am a desirable woman, and I believe he is convinced of the same. and I still struggle with what you are describing. still searching to understand.

__________________

you, like I, and everyone we shall ever meet are hopelessly flawed

 

 

The problem is that this is true for both sexes. Awhile back, I had a similar debate with you Jersey. Let's face it, women always seem to want more too. If I had a dime for every time I heard women speak about, show their dsesire, and flirt with other guys, I would be rich.

 

I once showed a clip here of male strippers and women, and their pathetic behavior. Not one female responded. It's as if the country still wants to ignore women's sexuality, and their possible questionable morals, why? Why do women still try and portray themselves as the more moral sex? is it society's fault for making them feel ashamed of their sexuality? so they have to do questionable things, but pretend that it's different than men's actions. At these male strip shows, is it neccessary to simulate sex acts? is it right to makeout with a stripper? imagine how many of their men (the ones with husbands or BF's) must feel upon seeing this. And, it's not just ladies having fun laughs. Yes, I know some men don't care, but many do and many just won't admit it.

 

I know, I'll get the usual "I don't do that". Yes, I'm sure neither of you do, but the point is many do, and it doesn't belong to men.

 

Back to the main point. I think we all have to behave better and be mature in relationships. At the same time, people have to realize that there is no way in this world, in this lifetime that your SO isn't going to notice others. You can only hope that it's just noticing and not fantasizing-no fun, or worsr, pursuing something -unacceptable.

 

 

[rainfall]

This is actually what angers me about women so much. You all seem to turn it around on yourselves.

"He wants to sleep with another woman, so I must not be hot enough!"

The grass is not greener over the fence, it's just different grass. Variety. A different taste in your mouth. I hate to compare people to cereal, but that is a good metaphor. I'm tired of honeysmacks, I want to try some lucky charms. I don't want lucky charms for the rest of my life either. I would love to have some honeysmacks again for my next meal.

It doesn't matter if your Jessica Alba. I don't want to have sex with her and only her for the rest of my life. Variety is the spice,........oh nevermind.

You'll never understand. What motivates the sexes is different and opposite.

 

But if my SO wants someone else then it IS something that is lacking in our relationship. I don't want a man who thinks it is ok to think about screwing 100000 other women. I don't want a man who actually does it. If it is ok in your relationship then great for you.

However don't tell me it is wrong for me to expect someone who I am in a relationship with to be satisfied with me.

Variety is NOT spice of life.... At least in my opinon it is not.

[annieo]

This is actually what angers me about women so much. You all seem to turn it around on yourselves.

"He wants to sleep with another woman, so I must not be hot enough!"

The grass is not greener over the fence, it's just different grass. Variety. A different taste in your mouth. I hate to compare people to cereal, but that is a good metaphor. I'm tired of honeysmacks, I want to try some lucky charms. I don't want lucky charms for the rest of my life either. I would love to have some honeysmacks again for my next meal.

It doesn't matter if your Jessica Alba. I don't want to have sex with her and only her for the rest of my life. Variety is the spice,........oh nevermind.

You'll never understand. What motivates the sexes is different and opposite.

 

OK, let me get this straight. Women = cereal. Loved one = grass/taste in mouth. Come on!!! Plus, shadow of man, do you really think women are that different in their wants. Sure, I think about other men, find other men appealing. And I find my husband appealing.You're right that it's not about looks.

But I love him and I don't want to hurt him or a-bomb our relationship, for which I am extremely grateful (when he's not being a jerk, which he has in our time together. Read my thread, "having trouble forgiving husbands lies). So I keep my pants on. It's not any easier for me to stay faithful than for him, but I don't think women give themselves permission the way men do. Men tell themselves the LIE that they are more highly sexed, don't need love and sex to go together, need variety, whatever. Women are just the same, except we don't make excuses for our behavior based on some sort of faulty biological "reasoning". If I screw around, it's not because I am wired that way (and I was fairly promiscous when single, and not always faithful in previous relationships), it's my fault, my mistake.