Ways to overcome Jealousy

[shadowofman]

But if my SO wants someone else then it IS something that is lacking in our relationship.

Yeah, variety.

I don't want a man who thinks it is ok to think about screwing 100000other women. I don't want a man who actually does it. If it is ok in your relationship then great for you.

However don't tell me it is wrong for me to expect someone who I am in a relationship with to be satisfied with me.

Variety is NOT spice of life.... At least in my opinon it is not.

All I'm saying is that this is a majority of men. Not that it's right or wrong, just the way it is. You do what you have to do to keep them monogamous. Nothing wrong with that. And good luck finding a man that truely doesn't want to be promiscous.

OK, let me get this straight. Women = cereal. Loved one = grass/taste in mouth. Come on!!!

Obviously it's a metaphor. But there are reasons that so many cliche statements about the natural of men exist.

Men are dogs.

Men that like porn are objectifying women.

Plus, shadow of man, do you really think women are that different in their wants.

Well, I do subjectively believe that most women prefer emotional relationships for sex only. That women cheat when they are not emotionally fullfilled.

Most men cheat for new vagina, without emotional connection.

It's not any easier for me to stay faithful than for him, but I don't think women give themselves permission the way men do. Men tell themselves the LIE that they are more highly sexed, don't need love and sex to go together, need variety, whatever. Women are just the same, except we don't make excuses for our behavior based on some sort of faulty biological "reasoning".

I'm not concearned whether or not it's men or women that give themselves permission more often. I think that would be even actually. Faulty biological reasoning has nothing to do with cheating. Only the desire to be promiscuous is a biological expression. The reason that men can view women as an object to be consumed is biological. That's why porn is such a hugh industry.

 

 

It seems to me that you could go on believing that men cheat on their wives because their wives aren't doing it for them. But this is projecting a female mentality into the mind of a male cheater.

[annieo]

I don't think it's any better for women to generalize about men (e.g., men are dogs). Some are, some aren't. And as for speaking subjectively, that would mean that you can't talk for all men, either, only yourself. You tend to generalize when discussing your own gender, like, you're a man so you understand the psychological processes and needs of all men. Not true. You only really (maybe)know yourself, and that is true for me and everyone else out there, too.

I think most of the men I've known also prefer emotional, monogomous relationships, for sex and everything else they get from it. That's why so many men are IN ltr's. But some cheat, as do some women. Honestly, I'd be curious to know what the actual stats are on this, because the cultural presumption is that men are the big cheaters, but I am not subjectively so sure this is true. And as to women cheating for emotional reasons, I have a female, married friend who used to pick up guys at bars, make out with them in a cab, sometimes go further, then not give the incident a moments thought afterwards. She just wanted a new dick, not a new partner. While I do not approve of her behavior, she is an example of how doggish a nice, middle class woman can be. We aren't all feelings, all the time, ya know. But then again, some women are expert manipulators or just wholeheartedly buy into stereotypes about what they are supposed to be.

[pyroguy]

I don't think it's any better for women to generalize about men (e.g., men are dogs). Some are, some aren't. And as for speaking subjectively, that would mean that you can't talk for all men, either, only yourself. You tend to generalize when discussing your own gender, like, you're a man so you understand the psychological processes and needs of all men. Not true. You only really (maybe)know yourself, and that is true for me and everyone else out there, too.

I think most of the men I've known also prefer emotional, monogomous relationships, for sex and everything else they get from it. That's why so many men are IN ltr's. But some cheat, as do some women. Honestly, I'd be curious to know what the actual stats are on this, because the cultural presumption is that men are the big cheaters, but I am not subjectively so sure this is true. And as to women cheating for emotional reasons, I have a female, married friend who used to pick up guys at bars, make out with them in a cab, sometimes go further, then not give the incident a

 

 

moments thought afterwards. She just wanted a new dick, not a new partner. While I do not approve of her behavior, she is an example of how doggish a nice, middle class woman can be. We aren't all feelings, all the time, ya know. But then again, some women are expert manipulators or just wholeheartedly buy into stereotypes about what they are supposed to be.

 

 

Exactly what I've been saying for so long. Women are every bit as bad as men, and very often it's for the same reasons- as your example of the friend proves.

 

Women need no emotional attachment for sex. Just look at the behavior in the male strip clubs I mentioned. They apparently need no mental connection. That's all nonsense from the past and preconceived attitudes about womens sexuality. It doesn't mean women are evil. It just means that men need to stop placing them on a pedestal and thinking they are so virtuous.

 

For the woman, they need to realize that too and own it. maybe then they can make a well thought out decision to behave themselves-instead of giving in to the "good little girl" old fashioned view and the conflict it causes with their current suxuality. In my opinion, this then causes many women to blame their SO more often, formulate the "emotional needs" exuse, and basically go downhill from there.

 

Of course, I'm not saying that those cases of neglect and bad treatment by the SO aren't out there and completely valid, but many more women than you think just behave more like men (or want to). And, to fit the society's view of them, they conjure up images of a bad husband or BF.

 

Personally, I think we are all just so selfish and shallow-including myself sometimes. This is an era of decadence, the likes of which we have never seen before. In my opinion, true loving relationships are in great danger. To be honest, there probably are great reasons for most people to be jealous. The story of your married friend being one of the many many stories I hear. sad really.

[rainfall]

 

All I'm saying is that this is a majority of men. Not that it's right or wrong, just the way it is. You do what you have to do to keep them monogamous. Nothing wrong with that. And good luck finding a man that truely doesn't want to be promiscous.

 

 

.

 

You will never get me to believe this. I think if a man is 99.99% happy in a relationship and all his needs are met and his women keeps her apperence up then he would never consider being with someone else.

Most men are dogs I will agree with you on that, but if a man finds someone he really loves and wants to keep then he would have no need for another women.

[shadowofman]

You will never get me to believe this. I think if a man is 99.99% happy in a relationship and all his needs are met and his women keeps her apperence up then he would never consider being with someone else.

Most men are dogs I will agree with you on that, but if a man finds someone he really loves and wants to keep then he would have no need for another women.

Interesting. So by this logic we could conclude that a cheating man is just trying to get something that his woman is not giving him. Maybe she's not keeping her appearance up? I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that it's a woman's fault that her man cheats. I want to have sex with other women and it's definately not because my W isn't doing something. It's because my sexual "needs" are better described as my "wants". And the heart wants what the heart wants.

Women need no emotional attachment for sex. Just look at the behavior in the male strip clubs I mentioned. They apparently need no mental connection. That's all nonsense from the past and preconceived attitudes about womens sexuality. It doesn't mean women are evil. It just means that men need to stop placing them on a pedestal and thinking they are so virtuous.

I wouldn't say that I've been placing women on pedestals, but I have bought into the whole, "women need emotional connections" thing. I know it's not true for all women, but really don't you think it's most. Or maybe it's women need bank account connections.

I think that it's possible that most women have a promiscuous orientation, but that they don't know it or won't admit it because of the way our culture demonizes promiscuity. I think it would be very suppressed in the individual, and if that's the case, how is all that negative energy manifested in the behavior of these women? Maybe hyperjealousy, the poor self-esteem that so many women seem to have issues with?

[lonegal]

I've noticed a lot of women here have the same jealousy issues I have and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. I think for our own sake and sanity we need to learn how to rise above with these feelings. I wish I knew how to. Lately I'm tired of feeling these bad feelings. I just wish I didn't care anymore. Sometimes I just think I'm not meant to be in a relationship because I don't think I will ever be with a man that makes me feel truely loved and special. Really I don't know why I'm jealous, I'm in shape and always dress nice. When I look in the mirror I'm confident in myself. I always have men telling me I'm pretty but for some reason I feel jealousy quite often. My boyfriend doesn't flirt with other women and I trust him enough to know he wouldn't cheat on me but I still feel jealous that he will desire someone way more than me. The only thing I can think of that could of made me this way is cause my dad cheated on my mom even though my mom was a perfect wife. This all happened when I was a teenager and ever since then I don't trust men. I just wish I could live a normal life and not be constantly wondering who or what my man thinks is better/hotter then me.

 

Ive been a lurker for sometime, really havent had the chance to voice out my self and its thread that made me want to share my thoughts also.

 

I can emphathize with you as I also feel the same thing.

[rainfall]

Interesting. So by this logic we could conclude that a cheating man is just trying to get something that his woman is not giving him. Maybe she's not keeping her appearance up? I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that it's a woman's fault that her man cheats. I want to have sex with other women and it's definately not because my W isn't doing something. It's because my sexual "needs" are better described as my "wants". And the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

 

I guess some people no matter what they have will never be happy with just one partner and as long as both people are ok with that then great for them.

However that is not for me or my relationship. I refuse to believe that no matter what I do it will never be enough for my SO to be happy and love me. I refuse to believe that he can't be happy only being with me.

[norajane]

I've noticed a lot of women here have the same jealousy issues I have and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in the way I feel. I think for our own sake and sanity we need to learn how to rise above with these feelings.

 

I just wish I could live a normal life and not be constantly wondering who or what my man thinks is better/hotter then me.

 

This thread has gone a bit afield from your original thoughts, but I'll respond to those anyway.

 

What has helped me over the years (and I'm 40 now), is developing a strong self-confidence and appreciation for the WHOLE person that I am. Sure, a bf might notice attractive women, but it doesn't torment me because I am loved for the WHOLE person that I am - I am not just my face and body!

 

When you're dating a person who is in love with you for your personality and nature and qualities and deeper emotional intimacy including your sexuality, you become far less concerned about what blonde/redhead/brunette your bf might be noticing at a bar. Unless you believe your bf is so shallow as to only be with you for your looks, you must internalize that he loves you for the whole quality package that you are. If you can do that, you'll feel less threatened by a fleeting admiring glance or bar conversation.

[squeak]

I guess some people no matter what they have will never be happy with just one partner and as long as both people are ok with that then great for them.

However that is not for me or my relationship. I refuse to believe that no matter what I do it will never be enough for my SO to be happy and love me. I refuse to believe that he can't be happy only being with me.

 

Hey Rainfall, I wanted to apologize for earlier posts where I misread you and was confused as to your intentions posting,

 

Now I see you are giving another way to approach things. I believe people make their own reality, so if one person says "I'll never be enough"-they may unconsciously set low expextations or may create self fulfilling prophecies, or just make themselves miserable because of the thoughts generated by ones self.

 

but like Rainfall who says "I am enough" which shows a choice to have a positive mindset, and ignore statistics or other people's bad stories because her own model of the world and her place in it is more positive, as also her expectations and boundaries anre very very clear cut.

 

I do have one question though-I see your posts address situations like being against cheating or not tolerating your man going to strip clubs or fantasizing about others, but what about all the other posts on LS where someone complains their SO is still in touch with an ex, that is a fairly common post and I'm curious to hear your opinion on it.

 

Would you classify that as not being happy with you too?

And another form of cheating that you wouldn't tolerate?

I'm curious because you have very firm lines drawn, and seem to stick to them, but I've never seen you post in those categories.

[rainfall]

I do have one question though-I see your posts address situations like being against cheating or not tolerating your man going to strip clubs or fantasizing about others, but what about all the other posts on LS where someone complains their SO is still in touch with an ex, that is a fairly common post and I'm curious to hear your opinion on it.

.

 

The only time I have ever been in this situation I told my boyfriend he had to stop talking to her. However the main reasons for this was she was always telling him she still loved him, was asking when he was going to leave me for her, and saying many other things that are not right to say to someone in a relationship.

I'm not sure how I would react if it was an ex that was in a new happy relationship and just trying to be friends with him. However I would probably still think its best for ex's to stop talking once they have both moved on to new relationships.

[shadowofman]

I guess some people no matter what they have will never be happy with just one partner and as long as both people are ok with that then great for them.

However that is not for me or my relationship. I refuse to believe that no matter what I do it will never be enough for my SO to be happy and love me. I refuse to believe that he can't be happy only being with me.

The purpose of my two cents here was to make distiction between jealousy and possessiveness. I think most people don't want to be jealous, but monogamous people, by definition, need to possess someone and be possessed by someone.

rainfall, you have every right to be and demand monogamy from anyone that pledged it to you. And as a monogamous person, you must keep a healthy level of distrust. Some people that claim to be monogamous either have no intention to be or they may not know enough about themselves to realize their orientations.

[shadowofman]

One last point I'd like to make to you rainfall

I don't know how old you are, or what your current situation is.

Don't know anything about your current relationships.

All I ask is that if/when someone cheats on you, don't take that as proof that you did anything wrong.

It doesn't mean that you weren't attractive enough or that you didn't do something you should have.

[MerryMelodie]

Everything would be fine if all the cheaters stop pretending they want a commited relationship!!! The people that want to sleep around should be with other people that sleep around. No offense to anyone but the people that sleep around are selfish and if they want to catch a disease that's on them but they need to stop ruining the lives of people that actually want a commitment!

[pollywag]

My child, jealousy is an emotion that is brought on by fear. Fear of loss in this particular case is what is prompting you to feel jealous over innocuous things your partners may or may not be doing. Yes fear can stem from selfesteem issues but it can also stem from unresolved issue from our pasts. In your case I don't think it is a coincidence you feel fear of loss in your relationships given how your father's infidelity affected you personally. Here was something that was supposed to be secure, your parent's relationship given the role model your mother presented and yet she was betrayed by someone who also was supposed to make you feel safe. Might be worth exploring your unresolved feelings regarding your parent's infidelity.

 

Sister Pollywag.

[MerryMelodie]

What my Dad did to my Mom definatly plays a huge role in why I've always been insecure in relationships. It happened years ago but I don't think I ever got over it. Really my Mom is the perfect wife, she not only worked but cooked,cleaned and was loyal to my Dad but that still wasn't good enough!! The woman my Dad had an affair with was not prettier than my mom but she liked to work on cars and stuff like my Dad. I don't think my Dad is completly shallow cause he didn't just cheat for the other womans looks. I think my Dad didn't have the guts to tell my Mom cause he knew he would destroy my Mom. My parents actually are still together, they got back together after my being seperated, my Dads affair lasted about 6 years. My Mom is very old fashioned and believes in staying married almost no matter what. After I saw what my Mom went through I swore to myself I would never let someone hurt me like that. The thing that is sad is I actually have a decent man and I do trust my fiance but it's hard for me to keep my faith in him when every other man I know is a cheater!!! Basically all my uncles cheated on their wives, mostly all my friends have been cheated on by their husbands. I feel bad for my man because he really trys so hard to reassure me.

[shadowofman]

Everything would be fine if all the cheaters stop pretending they want a commited relationship!!! The people that want to sleep around should be with other people that sleep around. No offense to anyone but the people that sleep around are selfish and if they want to catch a disease that's on them but they need to stop ruining the lives of people that actually want a commitment!

I am firmly convinced that I know the reasons that promiscuous people start monogamous relationships, and the big one is that promiscuity is demonized.

1. Some have no intention of being monogamous. These are the a-holes and they are a minority. They typically won't tolorate infidelity from a partner, but they do it themselves.

2. Some think that they can convince their partners to be promiscuous with them. Guys are often trying to get threesomes going.

3. Some think that they could actually be monogamous for "this one". "This is the one I could be true too!"

If they would all accept the fact that they will always want to be promiscuous, maybe they would be more likely to wait for a promiscuous partner to come along. Maybe if promiscuous people weren't called sluts and hos, then people would be more willing to accept the fact that they are promiscuously oriented.

[pyroguy]

I am firmly convinced that I know the reasons that promiscuous people start monogamous relationships, and the big one is that promiscuity is demonized.

1. Some have no intention of being monogamous. These are the a-holes and they are a minority. They typically won't tolorate infidelity from a partner, but they do it themselves.

2. Some think that they can convince their partners to be promiscuous with them. Guys are often trying to get threesomes going.

3. Some think that they could actually be monogamous for "this one". "This is the one I could be true too!"

If they would all accept the fact that they will always want to be promiscuous, maybe they would be more likely to wait for a promiscuous partner to come along. Maybe if promiscuous people weren't called sluts and hos, then people would be more willing to accept the fact that they are promiscuously oriented.

 

 

These are some good points. While your lifestyle isn't for me, I've always said, i could care less if a girl wants 500 sex partners, or a guy wants to watch his wife have sex with another guy.

 

I have no feelings of dislike for a woman who has had a ton of sexual partners. I've known a few who are very nice, sweet people- I just wouldn't want to date that person if I wanted a relationship because I am monogamous and I would never trust them.

 

Don't you think promiscuity IS becoming less demonized? Just look at television shows and modern culture. With the internet, you hear so much more about swingers and wife swapping etc., I think it is becoming more popular, especially with "female empowerment". The problem is the following:

 

First, these people want the best of both worlds. They seem to want this lifestyle but yet gravitate towards the traditional relationship. Why just not be sex partners with someone and go swing like crazy. Why desicrate marriage? marriage IS an institution not defined by multiple parties-only two parties.

 

Also, people that prefer this lifestyle should head their own advice. I often hear them preferring not to have religion shoved down their throats. Yet, in every interview I hear with these people they eventually go on to blame everything on religion, to explain how their way is the true correct natuaral way, and try and convince others.

 

Lastly, you need to understand, while you feel strongly about this, most do not. If you go to websites that support this you'll start to think that everyone is like that, but if you polled 1,000 men, the percent that would think like that is probably less than 10 percent. And, it's not like any of us don't have those feelings- I do, but I feel society is better served by loving monogamous relationships. We'll see. The world is changing more and more into your view. I guess we'll see which is better in 20-30 years

[JerseyShortie]

I hate to compare people to cereal, but that is a good metaphor. I'm tired of honeysmacks, I want to try some lucky charms.

 

And I hate when people compare human beings to inanimate objects. Because the two are totally different, have two different values one would hope, and hopefully you treat your woman better then you treat your ceral.

 

But that is the problem with society today. We don't value other people and we only look at them as what we can get *from* them. Not what we can give to them.

 

 

It doesn't matter if your Jessica Alba. I don't want to have sex with her and only her for the rest of my life. Variety is the spice,........oh nevermind.

 

Then bascially what you are telling me that women shouldn't try so hard to make men happy because men are never happy with what they have. No point in trying to build loving caring relationships with men since like you said, he is only going to ever want whatever he doesn't have anyway. So why are women working so hard to try to love men and provide them with their needs? We shouldn't. Plain and simple. Since apparently what we get for our efforts is only his desire to sleep with other women

 

I hope in my next life I come back as a man. It must be nice. Men really luck out.

 

It's because my sexual "needs" are better described as my "wants". And the heart wants what the heart wants

 

Exactly. the heart wants want the heart wants. And tons of women out there just want their guy, the man that claims he loves and values her, to be loyal. But I guess that is asking too much from men. Men aren't dogs at all. Dogs are loyal.

 

I think most people don't want to be jealous, but monogamous people, by definition, need to possess someone and be possessed by someone.

 

Monogomy isn't defined by how much you "possess" someone. It's defined by an agreed upon act of commitment. that has nothing to do with "possessing" someone like they were ceral.

 

 

I am firmly convinced that I know the reasons that promiscuous people start monogamous relationships, and the big one is that promiscuity is demonized.

 

The reason promiscous people start monogamous relationships is because they want to have their cake and eat it too. It's that simple. There is no other reason. You are trying to make excuses for people that choose to sleep around despite saying they won't. It is a complete lack of accountbility.

 

They are completely willing to scarfice other people for their own needs and wants. It has nothing to do with promiscuity being "demonized". And in this culture, promiscuity is far from being demonized. The message is all about more sex more people more sex. I actually thing the opposite is true and in today's culture where men are encouraged to over sexualize any woman and excuse themselves because of their hormons, and women are encouraged to exploit men for their money, the message is far from that sleeping around is bad. Men are infact praised for their ability to sleep around.

[MerryMelodie]

Yes why should us women work so hard to please our men when it will never be enough!!! No wonder so many women in long terms relationships just end up wearing sweat pants and stop dressing up,!! Why bother putting in the time it takes to look perfect and sexy when men just get sick of you after a while and drool over other women!!!

 

Also how can you compare a person to friggin cereal?! If you wanna go there my favorite foods have always been the same and I could have piza everyday for the rest of my life!! I also could just be with my man everyday for the rest of my life!! I hate to tell all you men that need variety but all women have the same thing, what are you looking for a woman with three breasts!! Probably just cause it would be different?!

[pyroguy]

Yes why should us women work so hard to please our men when it will never be enough!!! No wonder so many women in long terms relationships just end up wearing sweat pants and stop dressing up,!! Why bother putting in the time it takes to look perfect and sexy when men just get sick of you after a while and drool over other women!!!

 

Also how can you compare a person to friggin cereal?! If you wanna go there my favorite foods have always been the same and I could have piza everyday for the rest of my life!! I also could just be with my man everyday for the rest of my life!! I hate to tell all you men that need variety but all women have the same thing, what are you looking for a woman with three breasts!! Probably just cause it would be different?!

 

 

Merry, Have you not read any of my posts? while I somewhat agree, We need to first understand that this is not a gender specific issue- at all! then we can begin to figure out any solutions

[morelaugh]

I usually try to stay away from discussions like this one, but I think I have to say something.

 

First of all, pyroguy, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate your oppinion.

 

However, I think this IS a gender specific issue.

Genders are similar, but not the same.

 

High level approach - men suffer from some double standards and misconceptions, women suffer form others.

 

But this is a different set of double standards and misconceptions.

 

The one this thread is talking about is ‘against’ women.

(I know there are many others that are against men.)

 

 

Think about this:

 

• a man may find uncomfortable if his woman checks out other better looking male, but he will not flip out;
  but tell him his wife spends her spare time dreaming about a man who has enough money none of them have to work for the rest of their lives, who can buy a huge house in the best suburb, send kids to the best private school, purchase her diamonds, take her to their fabulous beach house 4 times a year, organise romantic candlelight meals in exclusive restaurants every night…. different story

• a stay-at-home mum may find uncomfortable to hear her man admiring success of his female colleague, but she won’t flip out;
  on the other hand, if her hubby spends his spare time looking at big-boobed porn stars, teen sex, woman-on-woman action, checking out every passing female, looking down the women’s’ blouses at business meetings, fantasizing about her best friend, asking for threesome with her other best friend (the one who looks more slutty)… different story

Women are not better than men (or the other way round) – but there are differences.

 

My question for you, pyroguy, is :

 

Is the fact that you choose monogamous relationship because you believe it is best for the society and you can’t handle other party’s promiscuity? Or is it because you never actually (maybe secretly?) desire other women?

[morelaugh]

All I ask is that if/when someone cheats on you, don't take that as proof that you did anything wrong.

It doesn't mean that you weren't attractive enough or that you didn't do something you should have.

I’ve been trying to figure this out for 30 odd years.

Something in the way you said it made me believe it. Thank you!

 

I am firmly convinced that I know the reasons that promiscuous people start monogamous relationships, and the big one is that promiscuity is demonized.

1. Some have no intention of being monogamous. These are the a-holes and they are a minority. They typically won't tolerate infidelity from a partner, but they do it themselves.

I think we all agree on this group.

 

2. Some think that they can convince their partners to be promiscuous with them. Guys are often trying to get threesomes going.

Probably the largest part of population.

Do you think they can enjoy, accept or at least tolerate infidelity from a partner?

 

3. Some think that they could actually be monogamous for "this one". "This is the one I could be true too!"

Again, is this group willing to accept their partner’s promiscuity?

 

If they would all accept the fact that they will always want to be promiscuous, maybe they would be more likely to wait for a promiscuous partner to come along. Maybe if promiscuous people weren't called sluts and hos, then people would be more willing to accept the fact that they are promiscuously oriented.

 

Promiscuous WOMEN are called sluts and hoes. It is bad.

 

Promiscuous MEN are called studs, ladies men, Casanovas,… whatever, it always has positive connotation.

 

My point is: it is not that hard to find a promiscuous partner – they are everywhere. You don’t really have to WAIT for them.

 

The problem is, not even promiscuous men want promiscuous women.

 

Who wants a whore?

How many men want to marry a promiscuous woman?

How many men want to marry a prostitute?

[morelaugh]

Girls,

 

I didn’t mean to ignore you – I understand exactly what you mean.

 

I feel the same thing – men tell us to put an effort and look out best, and then, when we do, they explain that they need variety!

From a female perspective, sweat pants or sexy lingerie - he will still desire another woman.

So why bother?

 

Looks like men expect every single female should look her best for their benefit!

 

Well, that’s what I feel.

I’m pretty sure, it’s not that simple.

[nicki]

Interesting perspectives here. You all are making me think about this issue.

 

I've also had a problem with jealousy. My dad cheated on my mom when I was a kid, too.

 

What I've noticed about myself is that I don't have a jealousy issue at all with a guy who is attentive to me and keeps his eyes on me in public. If he loves the whole me (like NoraJane said), then I feel secure, safe. I know he isn't going anywhere. Extra bonus points if he prefers me naked to wearing a bunch of lingerie all the time.

 

BUT, I have had BIG jealousy issues with guys who look/stare at other women, peek down their blouses if the woman bends over, flirts with women, have a lot of women friends, or who seem overly concerned with me dressing sexy all the dam*n time.

 

Maybe I'm sensitive, but I don't care. I'll dump a guy who does a whole lot of the above things. Because that kind of stuff makes me jealous. And I'm not always jealous, only with guys I don't deep down trust....and maybe rightly so.

 

When I told the guy I'm currently seeing that a woman hit on me, he thought it was very hot and said that he wouldn't mind if I had an "encounter" with her -- if he could watch! I asked him how he would feel if she pleased me more than he did.....He said he probably wouldn't like that much. When I asked him if he would consider the whole thing cheating, he said he didn't.

 

I also asked him if he would touch the other woman. He said no, just watch us ...but I don't believe him. Besides I wouldn't want him to see another woman naked. Now, I can't think of him in the same way...I don't feel very special. What guy would let me do that?

 

I think he wants a threesome. I'm jealous and considering cutting the guy loose.

 

Anyway, I'm just as confused. Don't know if this helps. But, I do know that some guys don't bring up jealousy in us because their behavior is different.

[pyroguy]

I usually try to stay away from discussions like this one, but I think I have to say something.

 

First of all, pyroguy, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate your oppinion.

 

However, I think this IS a gender specific issue.

Genders are similar, but not the same.

 

High level approach - men suffer from some double standards and misconceptions, women suffer form others.

 

But this is a different set of double standards and misconceptions.

 

The one this thread is talking about is ‘against’ women.

(I know there are many others that are against men.)

 

 

Think about this:

• a man may find uncomfortable if his woman checks out other better looking male, but he will not flip out;
  but tell him his wife spends her spare time dreaming about a man who has enough money none of them have to work for the rest of their lives, who can buy a huge house in the best suburb, send kids to the best private school, purchase her diamonds, take her to their fabulous beach house 4 times a year, organise romantic candlelight meals in exclusive restaurants every night…. different story

• a stay-at-home mum may find uncomfortable to hear her man admiring success of his female colleague, but she won’t flip out;
  on the other hand, if her hubby spends his spare time looking at big-boobed porn stars, teen sex, woman-on-woman action, checking out every passing female, looking down the women’s’ blouses at business meetings, fantasizing about her best friend, asking for threesome with her other best friend (the one who looks more slutty)… different story

Women are not better than men (or the other way round) – but there are differences.

 

My question for you, pyroguy, is :

 

Is the fact that you choose monogamous relationship because you believe it is best for the society and you can’t handle other party’s promiscuity? Or is it because you never actually (maybe secretly?) desire other women?

 

 

Morelaugh, I'm not sure what your point is. I know there are differences and there are different double standards. Still, this issue, in MY OPINION is a two way street. Women are just as bad, but society doesn't want to face it. I've already stated all the comments and conversations between women I've heard through the years. I also detailed the male strip shows and womens behavior. Yes, I know the thread was directed more at women's view. But, that's my point-it always seem to be that way when it comes to issues such as these. If it goes both ways, why separate the sexes as if they don't co-exist?

 

As for your other question: yes, no doubt, part of my reason for monagamy is because I believe it better for society-at least marriage.

 

The other part is more complicated. I simply cannot sit here and tell you I have not been attracted to someone else. I think everyone admits that. But, I think you mean "attraction" in a more serious way. Still, yes, I get that way sometimes-especially when my marriage is less than perfect- and hate when I get like that. However, I first and foremost don't immerse myself in situations that foster any trouble. Second, I remember what I have at home. I also take other specific actions not to show what I call disrespect to my wife. I never make comments about other women around her- i know how that would make me feel if it were reversed. I do not visit strip clubs-haven't been to one in years. Of course I know all the dancers have great bodies, but what's the point? spending a ton of money to see some girl dance around? then, coming home to your SO all horny is extrremely disrespectful-in my opinion. So, I avoid all that.

 

I'm not sure how that all ties into the jealousy thing, but let me know if you have any thoughts.