Ways to overcome Jealousy

[annieo]

pyroguy, thank you for your post. Gives me hope that some men are aware of how their actions affect the women they are with and therefore avoid hurting them. you are a rare breed.

[shadowofman]

A few things...

JerseyShortie I'm sorry I compared people to cereal! It's a metaphor!

The reason promiscous people start monogamous relationships is because they want to have their cake and eat it too. It's that simple. There is no other reason. You are trying to make excuses for people that choose to sleep around despite saying they won't. It is a complete lack of accountbility.

Your wrong. And promiscuous doesn't have to mean "sleep around" or "cheat". Promiscuous people just want to have sex with more people. I don't excuse cheaters at all. They should find a promiscuous person to commit too.

And I make the distinction between jealousy and possessiveness. Jealousy is when you are envious or threatened by another. Jealous of the other women hitting on your man.

Possessive is when you don't want your man to look at other women. Monogamy encourages the possession of another.

pyroguy I'm beginning to accept that women are just as promiscuous as men. I should know this because 75% of all my GFs have been promiscuous.

First, these people want the best of both worlds. They seem to want this lifestyle but yet gravitate towards the traditional relationship. Why just not be sex partners with someone and go swing like crazy. Why desicrate marriage? marriage IS an institution not defined by multiple parties-only two parties.

It's not about marriage, it's about a meaningfull loving relationship. And promiscuous people are genetically driven into loving relationships, just like monogamous people. They are also driven to be promiscuous. They should be accepting their nature, and finding likeminded people to commit to.

now morelaugh

Thank you for understanding, and this is just my point.....

My point is: it is not that hard to find a promiscuous partner – they are everywhere. You don’t really have to WAIT for them.

The problem is, not even promiscuous men want promiscuous women.

Who wants a whore?

How many men want to marry a promiscuous woman?

How many men want to marry a prostitute?

It's not hard to find a promiscuous partner. These promiscuous men that don't want promiscuous women, well these are a strange lot. I don't think that they understand their own sexual orientations. I think that if this "have your cake.." expression is good for anyone, then it's ok for these people. I think that these people are driven to promiscuity by their biology, but they buy into cultural ideas of monogamy. That monogamy is the light. That it's ok to possess someone and tell them what they can and cannot do with their bodies. Maybe they rightously feel like they can not be told what to do. I'm not one of them so I don't really know. I prefer a promiscuous women, and I would be alright with prostitution in some cases.

MerryMelodie

Yes why should us women work so hard to please our men when it will never be enough!!! No wonder so many women in long terms relationships just end up wearing sweat pants and stop dressing up,!! Why bother putting in the time it takes to look perfect and sexy when men just get sick of you after a while and drool over other women!!!

Good question. I would suggest looking good for yourself, or God-Forbid, other people. Just joking. I'm really not trying to push promiscuity on anyone. But to address this concern, this actually is a good question. It proves to me that women take too much blame in this whole situation. You have to stop thinking that you are not pretty enough to keep a man's attention. This is suicide. You are most likely pretty enough. I bet that he thinks you are pretty enough. morelaugh knows what I mean. But, we don't expect everyone to look good for us. We just look at what looks good.

[pyroguy]

pyroguy, thank you for your post. Gives me hope that some men are aware of how their actions affect the women they are with and therefore avoid hurting them. you are a rare breed.

 

Thanks, but I'm not that rare. There are more guys like that than you think, especially when they get a bit older. I just think both men and women don't really behave themselves as well as they should these days.

 

By the way, I rememeber your other thread regarding your husband and the strip club. Of course, I don't know him, but I have a feeling that he really just didn't understand the effect of his actions. I have a feeling he's a pretty good guy too, just felt strange about it, and didn't know how to act or what to say. I've seen this many times before- even been there myself.

[JerseyShortie]

Your wrong. And promiscuous doesn't have to mean "sleep around" or "cheat". Promiscuous people just want to have sex with more people. I don't excuse cheaters at all. They should find a promiscuous person to commit too

And I make the distinction between jealousy and possessiveness. Jealousy is when you are envious or threatened by another. Jealous of the other women hitting on your man.

 

I agree that being promiscuous doesn't mean a person has to sleep around and cheat. But if men really just want to sleep with as many women as possible, then don't get into a relationship and make excuses for poor behavior such as not making any effort to curb your actions/attraction to other women.

 

I am not asking men not to be attracted to other women. I understand that this is natural to do so. What I am asking is for men to put more effort into controling his actions about being attracted to said other women. You don't think women notice you looking at them when you are out? We do. I HATE when I see men out with their families or wives/SOs and they look me over. The person you are suppose to be loving is right there stop looking for greener pastures! Men rather make excuses for themselves then actually put in the effort to curb some of their more bad behaviors. And that is what is frustrating. Not that men are attracted to other women. That they take the easy way out and that it DOES make a woman feel threated. Why shouldn't it? We know enough to understand that when a man is with us, in a relationship, it all started with attraction. We also know how easily men ARE swayed by another women. It is a very real and logical threat. And the fact that men in relationships with us don't try to make us efeel better and rather make us feel even mroe insecure, father then put some effort into controlling themselves, is what the real issue is. I think it is perfectly natural for a woman to feel threated when her man is admiring another woman. If you expect a woman to control her feelings of threat from other females, you should also expect yourself to control your feelings of attraction at the same time.

 

Possessive is when you don't want your man to look at other women. Monogamy encourages the possession of another.

 

Wrong. Monogamy encourges the bond and commitment between two people above your own self desires. That goes for both men and women. You are suppose to be giving something to the other person in hopes that you build an honestly loving relationship. While people do like variety, people also have a strong need to bond with another person.

 

I do not expect him never to look at another women. But I don't expect him to be at the whim of every little feeling and emotion he has just as a man would hope a woman wouldn't be either. I really hate when men try to justify their more negitive behavior as something a woman should just accept while expecing HER to control or more negitive feelings. That isn't fair or right.

 

But to address this concern, this actually is a good question. It proves to me that women take too much blame in this whole situation. You have to stop thinking that you are not pretty enough to keep a man's attention. This is suicide. You are most likely pretty enough. I bet that he thinks you are pretty enough. morelaugh knows what I mean. But, we don't expect everyone to look good for us. We just look at what looks good

 

You never really answered the question though did you. Why should women work so hard to try and please a man if he is never pleased with what he has and is always on the prowl for the next "new" women? In all honestly why? And you wonder why women are more insecure and threated then men? Because men make it a point to remind us every chance they get how much they want other women. Every time we got our back turned or right infront of our face they are telling us with their actions that we will never be good enough. That might not be what you think you are saying, but if you really read the posts here, that is the message alot of women are getting.

 

How would men feel if women in relationships seeked out attention from other men in the same amount that men love giving other attention to other women even when it is in just a look?

[nicki]

Well said, JerseyShortie!

[bish]

I guess nobody has any advice? Can anyone atleast relate?

 

I dated a girl long ago before I got married (another mistake) that would get pissed if she thought I was looking at another woman. We would be walking in the mall holding hands and someone she thought was good looking simply passes our field of vision. its like I have to walk around with my eyes closed. Did I turn my head to look at this woman? no...just simply walked where I was already looking. So she gets pissed.

 

Oh, but she makes no bones about going gaga over a guy and telling me how freakin' hot he is.....needless to say....she was deemed not fit for a relationship and was booted shortly after.

 

I don't know what it is with some women, and I know there are men like this too, that feel the need to throw another guy in your face. I have never in my life felt the need to express to a SO how gorgeous another woman is. The last thing I want to do is make my SO feel insecure or piss her off....so why do the women seem to make no bones about doing it?

[morelaugh]

I don't know what it is with some women, and I know there are men like this too, that feel the need to throw another guy in your face. I have never in my life felt the need to express to a SO how gorgeous another woman is. The last thing I want to do is make my SO feel insecure or piss her off....so why do the women seem to make no bones about doing it?

 

I don’t think there is a single answer to this question bish, because every woman is different, but I believe quite often it is one of this two:

 

• She sees you looking at other women (or at least it looks like it to her), she gets uncomfortable, she wants a ‘revenge’, she wants to show you how it hurts… she picks the first decent looking passing guy and starts talking how hot he is (mind you, she might not be attracted to him at all)
  You would be surprised how many girls are using this ‘technique’.
  (Look how many posters with the similar problem get advice to ‘give them a taste of their own medicine’)

• The other main group, of course, is similar to the group of men described above – confused/self-righteous/controling cake-eaters.

[squeak]

I dated a girl long ago before I got married (another mistake) that would get pissed if she thought I was looking at another woman. We would be walking in the mall holding hands and someone she thought was good looking simply passes our field of vision. its like I have to walk around with my eyes closed. Did I turn my head to look at this woman? no...just simply walked where I was already looking. So she gets pissed.

 

Oh, but she makes no bones about going gaga over a guy and telling me how freakin' hot he is.....needless to say....she was deemed not fit for a relationship and was booted shortly after. Her own subjective reality is the only reality she knows.

 

I don't know what it is with some women, and I know there are men like this too, that feel the need to throw another guy in your face. I have never in my life felt the need to express to a SO how gorgeous another woman is. The last thing I want to do is make my SO feel insecure or piss her off....so why do the women seem to make no bones about doing it?

 

I can relate to what you wrote--I've pretended to talk about an actors looks all enthusiastically in a movie I just watched-- but only as retaliation. She probably did it because she thought you were staring at another woman in front of her. You know you weren't, but it looked like it to her so that is what she thought.

 

If I feel sleighted, real or imagined, I'll flip the switch because it feels good to show I can be an as*%ole too. Or to show-hey-if you can do it-I can too. No one like to feel like a helpless victim. Sometimes, as in your case, maybe it was just a misunderstanding, she thought you did that, then retaliated, then you decided she wasn't worth it.

 

Maybe she just did it out of Vengeance, not because she really cared about telling you how some other guy measured up.

[annieo]

Thanks, but I'm not that rare. There are more guys like that than you think, especially when they get a bit older. I just think both men and women don't really behave themselves as well as they should these days.

 

By the way, I rememeber your other thread regarding your husband and the strip club. Of course, I don't know him, but I have a feeling that he really just didn't understand the effect of his actions. I have a feeling he's a pretty good guy too, just felt strange about it, and didn't know how to act or what to say. I've seen this many times before- even been there myself.

 

He is basically a good guy, but the trust issue continues. He mentioned that he and his brother want to go out for a few beers this weekend (something that I would not have thought twice about in the past, well, maybe twice, knowing his brother! and immediately my hackles went up (internally). I said sure, no problem, but then I had to add, "As long as you aren't going to get ****faced and end up at the peeler." I wish I could stop myself, but I still feel the need to needle him (usually in a sort of kidding way) to remind him that I haven't forgotten and he better not, either.

When you were, "there yourself" did you tell some great big fat fibs, or did you come clean? Honesty eliminates a lot of insecurity/jealousy, at least for me.

And I disagree with you about him not knowing the effect of his actions. He knew perfectly well, which is why he lied.

And, I disagree on this point: you do seem refreshingly frank and balanced, at least compared to others on this forum, therefore, rare

[shadowofman]

I agree that being promiscuous doesn't mean a person has to sleep around and cheat. But if men really just want to sleep with as many women as possible, then don't get into a relationship and make excuses for poor behavior such as not making any effort to curb your actions/attraction to other women.

At this point I need to stop speaking for other people. I don't want as many women as possible. That is unrealistic. I would like to at least have a few more notches on the belt before I die. Men and women.

I am not asking men not to be attracted to other women. I understand that this is natural to do so. What I am asking is for men to put more effort into controling his actions about being attracted to said other women.

For someone like me, I think this is impossible. I can supress my desires for multiple partners, but all sexual desire will be supressed along with it. I am considering taking anti-depressants to lower my libido, but my W won't like that either.

I think it is perfectly natural for a woman to feel threated when her man is admiring another woman. If you expect a woman to control her feelings of threat from other females, you should also expect yourself to control your feelings of attraction at the same time.

I do expect this from a monogamous women. It is natural and I wouldn't expect anyone to change. I'm not trying to change you.

Wrong. Monogamy encourges the bond and commitment between two people above your own self desires. That goes for both men and women. You are suppose to be giving something to the other person in hopes that you build an honestly loving relationship. While people do like variety, people also have a strong need to bond with another person.

I agree with what you have said but I still stand by the definition of possessive. Monogamy only works if both people are monogamously oriented. If the person is monogamous then this feels good. Otherwise the promiscuous person would feel like the possession.

I do not expect him never to look at another women. But I don't expect him to be at the whim of every little feeling and emotion he has just as a man would hope a woman wouldn't be either. I really hate when men try to justify their more negitive behavior as something a woman should just accept while expecing HER to control or more negitive feelings. That isn't fair or right.

I don't expect you to control anything. Demand monogamy! Don't let anyone tell you that you don't have a choice. Monogamy is your thing, you go with it. Never said that possessive behavior is wrong. You assumed that is what I meant.

Why should women work so hard to try and please a man if he is never pleased with what he has and is always on the prowl for the next "new" women?

I never said that you should. I think you should work hard to find a monogamous man, or if you can't find one, you should work hard to suppress any promiscuous tendencies in your man.

And you wonder why women are more insecure and threated then men? Because men make it a point to remind us every chance they get how much they want other women. Every time we got our back turned or right infront of our face they are telling us with their actions that we will never be good enough. That might not be what you think you are saying, but if you really read the posts here, that is the message alot of women are getting.

I'm sorry if people feel this insecure but what is better? The truth or the white lie? Should he tell you that you are the prettiest girl in the world if he really doesn't believe that? I know I wouldn't except such an impossibility myself. I know there are hotter men than me, and I want to have sex with them.

How would men feel if women in relationships seeked out attention from other men in the same amount that men love giving other attention to other women even when it is in just a look?

Again, I only speak for myself. I am absolutely fine with this.

[JerseyShortie]

I would like to at least have a few more notches on the belt before I die. Men and women

 

Hey that is fine. But don't get into a relationship then. It's just that simple. Or get into a relationship with someone that is just like you. Not someone who wants a commitment.

 

The thing is, and not just with you, most people today just want EVERYTHING they can while giving the least amount of work and effort back. They are not willing to make the effort or sacrifices really needed to make something good. Good relationships take work and are hard and mean that you will not always get your way 100%. And when people aren't instantly gratified, they leave and move on to the next person, and then the next. Society as made it's self a disposble product

 

For someone like me, I think this is impossible

 

It's not impossible. Just difficult. It's about changing your mind frame. Which is never easy. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't do this. I don't know you or what you want out of life. But I'm just saying that for someone who does want to do it, it's not easy but possible.

 

 

I'm sorry if people feel this insecure but what is better? The truth or the white lie? Should he tell you that you are the prettiest girl in the world if he really doesn't believe that? I know I wouldn't except such an impossibility myself. I know there are hotter men than me, and I want to have sex with them.

 

Yes. We all know there will always be someone prettier out there. Younger, smarter, makes more money, has a bigger pecker (hope I can say pecker here!). The thing is, that I know other women are pretty, I want just *my* man to think I am the prettiest, the best to him only. I am not asking the world to think so. Just one man. All women want to feel beautiful. Not just the super beautiful ones. And when guy's say stuff like " there will always be prettier girls out there", yt is true, but it far from feeding my feminine desire to be beautiful to him. And what is more important? Valuing women who don't give a crap about you or making the woman that loves you feel beautiful and special?

 

Men like to feel like men no? There are certain feelings a woman can illicit that makes a man feel more manly. How would you like to be told instead that there are other men more manly then you, it would be the truth but I doubt for most men it would make him feel like more of a man to her for it. Especially because men are often so territorial. I don't think most men would feel so good if their SO treated them like less of a man, or like they weren't as good, just because he isn't as manly as another guy. It's about treating the person that cares about you like you treat no other. Now it's my turn to ask you what is better? Valuing other women over your SO, or valuing your SO over other women that don't really care about you.

 

And any woman/girl from 5-105 will tell you that she wants to be the most beautiful thing to her man. That is such an inherent female thing.

[shadowofman]

Hey that is fine. But don't get into a relationship then. It's just that simple. Or get into a relationship with someone that is just like you. Not someone who wants a commitment.

That has been my favorite mistake. i should have expressed myself much more when we first got together, but I was afraid and didn't understand myself very well. You might say that I was blinded by the love. But I love her and I'm not leaving her. It would be like trading what really matters to me, for something that I think really matters to me.

It's not impossible. Just difficult. It's about changing your mind frame.

I know that it's difficult. And for me, I believe it impossible. I'm thinking of taking anti-depressants to bring my libido down.

And what is more important? Valuing women who don't give a crap about you or making the woman that loves you feel beautiful and special?

The thing is that she is the prettiest to me. That doesn't change the fact that I want us to have sex with other people, men and women. I don't want to value other people, I want us to objectify them. I want us to use them for our un committed enjoyment.

I don't think most men would feel so good if their SO treated them like less of a man, or like they weren't as good, just because he isn't as manly as another guy.

Actually, and I only speak for myself, this is part of my "condition". As an option for promiscuity, I went through a period where I wanted my W to have sex with other men, manlier men. This is called cuckoldry, and has become the fastest growing fetish in America. It's a way of being promiscuous vicariously through your W. Men that take nude photos of their wives and post them on the internet. These men love hearing the comments about their wives, probably more then their wives ever would.

You should read Penthouse Letters some time. The stories are all made up, but they reflect the fantasies of mainstream american men. Pick up a novelization in paperback for a couple bucks. They are cover-to-cover full of stories of promiscuous wives.

[Trialbyfire]

Are you jealous of other women or possessive of your man? I don't know how to get over being jealous, but possessive is something that you probably won't want to change. Jealousy is a self-esteem issue that he needs to help you get over.

I completely agree with this.

 

If you're truly jealous of the goals in life your b/f has accomplished, your relationship is in big trouble.

 

If you value your b/f, you will feel a little possessive. Not such a bad thing, as long as it doesn't get ridiculous. If it's a consistent feeling, your gut instinct is probably trying to tell you something, waving the big red flags...

[shadowofman]

If you value your b/f, you will feel a little possessive. Not such a bad thing, as long as it doesn't get ridiculous. If it's a consistent feeling, your gut instinct is probably trying to tell you something, waving the big red flags...

I can admit that some possession is not immoral. I would be very possessive if a man was harrassing my W to leave me and run away with him. I just have no interest in telling my W that she cannot do something. Whatever makes her happy really. If she decided that she would be happier without me, I would be upset, but I wouldn't get possessive. For the most part, it is my subjective opinion that possessing another person is immoral. Not telling anyone else what they should and shouldn't be, or do.

[shadowofman]

You never really answered the question though did you. Why should women work so hard to try and please a man if he is never pleased with what he has and is always on the prowl for the next "new" women?

Just realized something in regards to this question, where as before I answered that I didn't know why women should work so hard.

The answer is simple though. If you want someone to find you attractive, anyone, then you should work hard to appear attractive. It has nothing to do with whether or not this person finds anyone else attractive. As I have said before, you could be the most attractive woman on the planet and a promiscuouly oriented man would still want to have sex with someone less attractive than you. If this makes you stop wanting to work hard for your promiscuous man, then go for it. Eat everything you want, stop wearing makeup, buy more sweat pants. Nothing is stopping you. But it is a counterproductive protest. Look good for yourself, for your man, and for the man you will eventually leave him for.