kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I did a foolish thing this past week. Some of you might recall that I had been involved with a married man, and was in the process of ending the relationship. We agreed to see each other one more time, to say everything that needed to be said and "get each other out of our system". Last weekend, he went to a Genesis concert. We talked before the concert and he told me he would call me later. He called around midnight, and of course I was sleeping. He left me 2 messages. The second one said, "You know, it sucks, because you used to pick up whenever i called, and I used to be important to you, and I'm not anymore. I know I made my bed and I have to lie in it." It is true I was always available for him, because I never knew when I would see him. Well, of course I felt guilty and for some reason I thought that meant things had changed. We called and talked and he swore up and down he'd make more time for me because he needed me, he missed me and all that. He said he wanted to see me this weekend, but he'd have to see how things played out at his house. He did not call me until 8 pm on Saturday to tell me he couldn't make it because he was doing insulation on his house. I know, i should've expected that, right? Clearly he is selfish. But I was hurt on so many levels. He couldn't have called earlier? Was insulation really necessary, right then, more important than me? It almost ruined my night, but my friends dragged me out of the house and reminded me that I still am loved. We got incredibly drunk, and of course, I called him in a stupor, telling him that he almost ruined my night, but I wouldn't let him, I didn't need this. Meanwhile, my friends are jeering him in the background. He hasn't spoken to me since. I'm sure he's angry, but I'm angry too. I feel like a prisoner to my own emotions. I don't know why I let him get to me this way. I tried to let go, I'm trying to let go and he reeled me back in. I'm just upset, because I'm smarter than this...well I thought I was...but I guess I'm not. What can I do? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 What can I do? Walk away. This man will never be what you want him or need him to be for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 What can you do? It sounds like you're doing just fine... We ALL falter, and you faltered and called MM. No, I dont believe you should have rang him when you were worse for wear. And you had your goodbye day, although he was the one who called you after that. But, you are extricating from a difficult situation and of course, its going to be difficult to do that. But you're doing it! Dont get angry, get even, by going on to live your life the best way you can, go out with the friends who love you and are there for you and move on from MM. It seems to me, he can't stand it when you move on (hence the phone calls), yet once you're there again, he starts doing insulation at 8pm on a Saturday night?? I dont think so. Let him miss you! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 What can I do? See more of your friends! Sounds like they're good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 OK, that's a bit oversimplified. What I mean is, how do I get the strength to walk away? If you've been in a situation like this, how did you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 My friends are fantastic, and I am so grateful for their support. This is hard! "Extricate" is a perfect word. We've been through a lot, and I feel tangled in him but I realize he is not going to be the supportive partner I need. It's about him, and it always has been. I just feel so weak when it comes to him, because I love him, and sometimes I get glimpses of the man I fell in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 The strength to walk away is only found in the recognition that there IS a better life out there for you, there IS a better man out there for you and there IS a future for you without him. If you can believe that, then you can move on. Is there's a specific reason as to why you're moving on i.e. he's said he wont leave/discovery day/you're tired of waiting? Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 K95, don't worry that you have caved in this once. I've been there, done that myself and have the scars to prove it! Seriously, you just have to start being that strong person again. Take it from me, ignoring him will empower you and, yes, maybe he will miss you! If he doesn't, then he isn't worth your time and effort. I gave in time and again with my exmm and ended up feeling stripped of any dignity and self-respect I may have had. I saw mm a few days ago and for the first time ever I managed to ignore him, despite being in the same pub as him for a couple of hours. I do feel a little pathetic, like I was game-playing, but yes, this time I DID walk away with some self-respect. Whether I have achieved anything as far as he's concerned I don't know but what I DO know is that I felt a hell of a lot better for not speaking to him, because in the past, everytime we've spoken I've been reminded of what we had but can never really be mine walked away missing him like crazy. Although I have not unfortunately reached the indifference stage yet I feel stronger for doing something I should have done a long time ago! Best of luck. Remember you deserve better than to be someone's second best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 I guess it's none of those things, and all of those things. He never said he won't leave, but he never gave me a date either. He said he wants his daughter to graduate from her high school (she's 16). He said he wants his wife and kids to be able to stay in their house (his sons are 20), so he's trying to financially support them. But then he tells me he and his wife just stay together for the kids, who aren't kids anymore. It doesn't add up. I know it's complicated, I didn't expect him to leave right away, but he's not even trying. We were discovered (I posted that a few months ago) and he told his wife I was "nobody". She called me and left all these messages, she was really hurt and I was shocked, given what he had said about their relationship. I'm not tired of waiting, but I know I deserve more than half a man, and if I felt it were worth it, that he'd come through in the end I'd hang in there. But I don't think he plans on it...he's scared, he's comfortable, he's afraid for his finances, and I don't mean enough to him for him to move away from that. Yet I gave him the out, and he won't take it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Thanks Posh. I really appreciate seeing someone in my shoes advising me...this will be tough but I can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I guess it's none of those things, and all of those things. He never said he won't leave, but he never gave me a date either. He said he wants his daughter to graduate from her high school (she's 16). He said he wants his wife and kids to be able to stay in their house (his sons are 20), so he's trying to financially support them. But then he tells me he and his wife just stay together for the kids, who aren't kids anymore. It doesn't add up. I know it's complicated, I didn't expect him to leave right away, but he's not even trying. Can't believe how like my own sitch this is. My exmms kids were (at the time) 16 and 18 but he still insisted he was staying for them. Both have now left school. We were discovered (I posted that a few months ago) and he told his wife I was "nobody". She called me and left all these messages, she was really hurt and I was shocked, given what he had said about their relationship. Ditto. I don't think my mm said I was nobody, as such, but didn't elaborate on our R in anyway and more or less made out we were just friends. I also had a couple of calls and texts from his W but I didn't feel it was my place to give her an explanation. I feel slightly different about that now but that's another story. I'm not tired of waiting, but I know I deserve more than half a man, and if I felt it were worth it, that he'd come through in the end I'd hang in there. But I don't think he plans on it...he's scared, he's comfortable, he's afraid for his finances, and I don't mean enough to him for him to move away from that. Yet I gave him the out, and he won't take it. I DO believe that they want to leave but they don't have the courage. They want to take the easy way out. My mm just doesn't want to rock the boat and for his kids to think badly of him. It's very sad but he has made his decision and there's nothing I can do about it! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I guess it's none of those things, and all of those things. He never said he won't leave, but he never gave me a date either. He said he wants his daughter to graduate from her high school (she's 16). He said he wants his wife and kids to be able to stay in their house (his sons are 20), so he's trying to financially support them. But then he tells me he and his wife just stay together for the kids, who aren't kids anymore. It doesn't add up. I know it's complicated, I didn't expect him to leave right away, but he's not even trying. Does that seem like a fair deadline to you - when his daughter leaves school? If so, hold him to it - mark the date on your calendar and when it comes, if he's not with you - then he's not going to be with you. If not, choose another one. Any one - that works for you and that you think is realistic. (It doesn't help to set yourself up for failure.) Of course he can always think of reasons to delay leaving - his daughter's college education, if she's staying on in the house; his wife's empty nest syndrome, once they all leave; financial constraints in affording two places if the kids are still needing financial support... But you have to decide what you're willing to live with and where you want to draw the line. Then draw it, and hold yourself to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 DO believe that they want to leave but they don't have the courage. They want to take the easy way out. My mm just doesn't want to rock the boat and for his kids to think badly of him. It's very sad but he has made his decision and there's nothing I can do about it! I feel some of that is true in my case and some is not. He definitely doesn't have the courage. He is clearly unhappy. But when his wife found out, that would've been the opportunity to say, "I'm not happy." But he didn't. He lied. Why? Granted, the whole ugly fight went down in front of the kids, but a lot of their ugly fights have. He says he doesn't want to hurt his children even though they fight all the time (and I've heard the fights, even before we got together), and that he is afraid him leaving will break up the whole family. I guess he feels he holds them together, since he's the breadwinner. He says his wife only makes $30K a year, and he's worried that his sons will have to quit college to help his wife keep the house (isn't that what spousal support is for? And she will DEFINITELY get it, she's entitled to it). Then he gets angry because he says his sons are doing bad in school and all they wanna do is smoke pot and party. Excuses, excuses, and I'm not buying it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Does that seem like a fair deadline to you - when his daughter leaves school? If so, hold him to it - mark the date on your calendar and when it comes, if he's not with you - then he's not going to be with you. I could try that, but I have a feeling he won't live up to it. He's a lot older than me (he's 42, I'm 24) and he always says i don't have any family responsibilities so I don't understand his obligations, and how difficult. He can't just up and walk away. The funny thing is, I never asked him to. I said that if he and his wife are unhappy they aren't doing their kids any favors, and if he wants to leave, it doesn't matter whether he's with me or not, he should leave and move forward with his wife. His kids won't stop loving him. That's why I feel there's more to the situation than I am being told. I would love to talk to his wife, but I doubt it would do any good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 The hard part is that I still love him very much, and I'm trying to end it while I love him. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and that's why I feel helpless. Sometimes I feel strong, and other times I'd rather take the little slivers he gives me than have none of him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
MagicMan Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I am a younger man, and just ended it with my older married woman. As in a couple hours ago. I told her for her, her husband, and for me. It had to be this way. She had to decide on what she wanted. Where she wanted her life to be. If I was still a part she would not be able to rekindle anything with her husband. I did this for her. I love her more than life itself, and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I am dying. I figure if she comes back, it was meant to be, if not... well it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Kchia - If you would truly and honestly just take the little slivers he gives you than nothing at all, then you need to stop complaining and accept what you have. Accept in the sense that you must find a way to quietethose angry feelings down when he doesn't see you when he says he will. Keep yourself busy and truly accepting getting slivers means being at his beck and call and having no say of your own. That is truly accepting that slivers are better than nothing. I just don't think that's what you want. Is it? If you are 100% honest with yourself and with what you want, is that what you want? So if slivers is really not what you want then you have option two: Cut it off. Cut if off now, it is going to be very hard and you will miss him but it does get better in time and you will be able to do it. Either way you only have two choices, well there is a third and that is accept the slivers but keep complaining, basically stay EXACTLY where you are now. We already know that option is not really working for you, now is it....? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I am a younger man, and just ended it with my older married woman. As in a couple hours ago. I told her for her, her husband, and for me. It had to be this way. She had to decide on what she wanted. Where she wanted her life to be. If I was still a part she would not be able to rekindle anything with her husband. I did this for her. I love her more than life itself, and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I am dying. I figure if she comes back, it was meant to be, if not... well it wasn't. Wow MagicMan "a few hours"that is very fresh. Hope you're managing, I won't say I hope you are well because we all know it feels horrible like you really are dying. But you aren't and you won't and in time you will see the value in what you did, you might even decide you don't want her, never mind her coming back to you. Every cyle in life comes to a complete close, the good and the bad. {{{{{Huggs}}}}} be strong you never know what the future holds! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 If I was still a part she would not be able to rekindle anything with her husband. I did this for her. I love her more than life itself, and this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel like I am dying. I figure if she comes back, it was meant to be, if not... well it wasn't. I feel your pain. It's so hard, isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Where is the "ignore" button I've heard so much about? I'm fairly new here. Link to post Share on other sites
jesssica Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I've never been married, and I think MM are taking advantage of that fact: my naivety and lack of understanding of the complexity of marriage. This allows him to put simple words like, "I just don't know when we'll divorce, but I know we will at some point..." that give me feelings of hope... which is completely futile, since marriage is such a complex thing that a MM can't do just for an OW... even one he loves more than his W. The W and H have been together so long... even without the love, he won't leave her because the marriage is all he knows. Despite his alleged misery in the marriage, he's comfortable and set in his ways.... If he divorces, what's next? He's terrified of the uncertainty. To him, it's not worth the risk... as even though there's so much love for the OW, he can't do it. If he truly cared for the OW, he would set her free. Sorry for my blabbing... but I just had to get that out. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Excuses, excuses, and I'm not buying it anymore. Unfortunately, they DO make these excuses, time and time again, but to be honest I think they are making excuses to themselves more than us, because, like I said, they are cowards, basically. I DID understand how my MM felt, being that I am a parent myself (although I do see that it's different for women in a lot of ways). Like you, I didn't think staying together 'for the sake of the kids' was doing anyone any good, least of all MMs children, and I have been a child in that situation myself so I know what it's like from their POV. This is something MMs have to work out on their own though. We can tell them all this until we are blue in the face but only they can make the decision. I guess maybe they see themselves in a 'lose-lose' situation. Damned if they do, damned if they don't and all that. They either lose us, or (they feel) they lose their kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Last night I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. Now, I am terrified. I don't even want to tell him. I think I'd be better off my own no matter what I decide. I'm shocked. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Last night I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. Now, I am terrified. I don't even want to tell him. I think I'd be better off my own no matter what I decide. I'm shocked. OMG, get a second opinion before you stress about anything, although I have to say they are normally pretty conclusive. I say that once you find out, tell him. Even if he doesn't come running to you he will have a responsibility, financially at least, towards the child and you will need his support. This is seriously bad luck (putting it mildly of course!) but you have to decide what you want to do. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Last night I took a pregnancy test and it came out positive. Now, I am terrified. I don't even want to tell him. I think I'd be better off my own no matter what I decide. I'm shocked. I agree with PP, do another test, but go to your Dr and get a check-up. Can I ask? When was your last period and how late are you now? Link to post Share on other sites
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