Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I don't know how much clearer I can make it. I expect NOTHING from MM other than his financial support, which I would take him to court for. I don't have any grand aspirations of him leaving his wife to be with me and the baby. So, now that leaves how I feel about being a single parent, which is what I discussed with my therapist. No discussion was made of MM at all during the appointment...it was all about me, and it is all about me. We also discussed my support network, my friends that will be there for me no matter what I decide. Do I still love him? Yes. I can't change my feelings. Am I basing my decision to have the baby on that? Absolutely not. When I tell him, I'll let him know that his feelings matter to me, but ultimately it's my choice, and the final decision is mine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I don't know how much clearer I can make it. I expect NOTHING from MM other than his financial support, which I would take him to court for. I don't have any grand aspirations of him leaving his wife to be with me and the baby. So, now that leaves how I feel about being a single parent, which is what I discussed with my therapist. No discussion was made of MM at all during the appointment...it was all about me, and it is all about me. We also discussed my support network, my friends that will be there for me no matter what I decide. Do I still love him? Yes. I can't change my feelings. Am I basing my decision to have the baby on that? Absolutely not. When I tell him, I'll let him know that his feelings matter to me, but ultimately it's my choice, and the final decision is mine. It shouldn't be a case of "I love MM and want to be with him forever, so I'm having a baby to make sure he is always in my life" As if I didn't feel nauseous enough! I'm no dummy. You don't think I realize that this is going to push him away, rather than bring us closer? It's like you're implying that I trapped him or something. Please. This is as unexpected for me as it is for him. It's difficult enough to have a child when a relationship is on solid ground. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 It sounds like you have your head together. Its good you have some emotional and therapeutic support there for you. Make sure you have your legal bases covered too. When you take a MM to court for child support, it is not unheard of for the BS and the MM to sue the OW for custody. Sometimes it is out of retaliation, sometimes the MM and the BS genuinely believe they can provide a more stable life for the child. Either way, be sure you get a lot of advice on the legal end of things as well as the emotional end. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 As if I didn't feel nauseous enough! I'm no dummy. You don't think I realize that this is going to push him away, rather than bring us closer? It's like you're implying that I trapped him or something. Please. This is as unexpected for me as it is for him. It's difficult enough to have a child when a relationship is on solid ground. That is so unfair. Everyone has been trying to help you and no one has implied you were trying to trap him. She was just making sure you think of everything and was trying to help. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 It's like you're implying that I trapped him or something. Please. I wasn't implying you trapped him - just that you will want to have your motivations for your decision firmly in mind. This is something you will want to consider, though. For as much as anyone implies it on an anonymous forum, you will have people IRL who will accuse you of such directly to your face. Bring this up to your counselor and come up with some coping strategies to deal with this, because it will come up. People will imply it, people will say it to your face, people will say it behind your back. Its an uphill battle raising a child under these circumstances. Best be prepared for everything - even the ugly parts. Think in the long term, too - I was born because a man cheated on his finace and abortion was not legal at the time. While I was loved by my extended family, I was always well aware of how I got here and why. You don't even want to know how many people gleefully informed me that my mother was a whore who trapped a man with a baby, and that my birth destroyed an innocent betrayed woman and her future with my father - even though it was not true in those exact words, it still hurt to hear it. You can't protect your child from this, not for the rest of his/her life - eventually it will come up. It is not easy for a kid to deal with, and the repercussions reverberate for years, decades... Think long term. Never underestimate the ugliness you and your child will have to deal with. It won't be ugly all the time, and I expect you will have a happy life with your child - but understand that ugliness rears its head and you have to be prepared for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 If I decide to have the baby, I highly doubt she would want it. He has 3 children but only one of them is hers. He had twins before he met her and their mother was a drug addict who abandoned them on his doorstep. While I'm not perfect, I'm certainly not a drug addict or an alcoholic. I know I can provide a lot of love for this child...but as my therapist said last night, love isn't enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 You have a point there...but that is an ignorant point of view that I won't entertain. I would have to figure out how to explain to my child that he or she is loved and innocent, and that the mistakes of its parents have nothing to do with him/her. How obnoxious that people would imply it's all your mother's fault...your father was there too, and it had nothing to do with you. And, noforgiveness, maybe it's unfair...but I have seen the ugliness on this forum, and I plan on protecting myself from it as much as possible. If it sounds hostile, sorry...but I will not let anyone treat me with disrespect, and if that's what I perceive, I will stand up for myself. I didn't attack her, I just stood up for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 You have a point there...but that is an ignorant point of view that I won't entertain. I would have to figure out how to explain to my child that he or she is loved and innocent, and that the mistakes of its parents have nothing to do with him/her. I have no doubt that your child will know that he/she is loved and innocent because I know that you will instill that in him/her everyday. The problem comes from what other people will say and imply. Listening to your parents is easy, but ignoring others is hard. Refusing to entertain a point of view won't stop you from falling victim to it. You don't have to live by it, just be prepared for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 That is a good point. I will discuss that with my therapist. Fortunately for me (or maybe for him), we don't live in the same town. That would make that piece of it harder. He lives an hour or so away from me. That will complicate other matters, though. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 but I have seen the ugliness on this forum, and I plan on protecting myself from it as much as possible. If it sounds hostile, sorry...but I will not let anyone treat me with disrespect, and if that's what I perceive, I will stand up for myself. I didn't attack her, I just stood up for myself. I'm going to bat for LB here, she's one of a kind and all her replies come straight from the heart...She cares. Just wanted you to know that. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to and whatever you decide, we'll support you. It is good that you don't live in the same town, atleast you'll have privacy and space, you won't have to worry about running into him, his wife and their kids. Sidenote - Sorry that you were throwing up in the night. Did you have a light snack before bed? I remember when my sister was pregnant and she threw up when she hungry, so keep something yummy by your bedside table. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I hope my mom will be supportive but the truth is, I was a member of a very strict religion. I don't know if anyone has heard of Jehovah's Witnesses. I could be kicked out for getting pregnant out of wedlock...I am surprised I'm not kicked out already! The punishment for being kicked out of the religion is that your family is not allowed to talk to you, no one in the religion is allowed to speak with you. So I'm dealing with that, on top of the lack of support from MM, on top of everything else. hmmmmmmmmm my husband was brought up as a Jehovah's Witness....his brother was asked to leave the church, and the family still talked to him, even the grandparents who were "the chosen." Since then, his brother has gone back into "the faith" and all is forgiven. And no, we aren't Jehovah Witnesses. You have a lot going on.... as hard as it is right now, know that it will be all right and things will sort themselves out with enough time. Be well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 Well, that's good to know. Not everyone does (care, that is). I realize that. I appreciate those who care, and offer advice. I truly need some good advice. I did eat before bed, and I wonder if that might be what made me sick. All I can eat right now are crackers, cheese and fruit. Yuck! Oh, and boiled potatoes. If I try to eat any meat, I get sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I'm shocked! My family talks to my brother too, but not in public, only at home. My mom is hardcore about it...you've got to accept your divine punishment. I was in the hospital a few months ago, and she told me it was because "there is no happiness away from Jehovah". Yuck! Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Hi K, just caught up with your thread again. I hope you are keeping yourself well and relaxed! Please try not to stress about comments that are made on here. I DO believe the ones you have received have been said with the best intentions but I can understand you being a bit defensive, plus don't forget you are probably very hormonal at the moment;) As you know, pregnancy and motherhood can both be very trying at times but the good points of being a Mum far outweigh the bad. I am sure you are aware that being a single Mum is extremely tough. I speak from expereince, even with the full support (emotionally and financially) from my son's father. You sound like you've got your head screwed on though and will cope no matter what. I really hope you get some support from your family though, as they are really important at times like this. I hope everything works out for you. Don't forget, there are some really lovely guys out there. You will meet one who will love you as you deserve and will want to take care of you AND your baby. For now though, concentrate on yourself and that precious life growing inside you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 Thank you PP...that was extremely encouraging. I needed that. My body is changing so rapidly...it's unbelievable. I am very hormonal...I thought I was PMSing, and it never came... Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Thank you PP...that was extremely encouraging. I needed that. My body is changing so rapidly...it's unbelievable. I am very hormonal...I thought I was PMSing, and it never came... Your welcome! With regards to the food - try and stick to the plain stuff. I was very lucky in that I didn't really suffer with morning sickness or mood swings. In fact, my ex said it was the only time we were together that I was actualy happy! You will go off lots of things and get cravings too probably (although not always for weird stuff!) I went off anything tomato based, tea and red wine (which was a good thing of course!) and I craved sweet food and mashed potato. I spend my life watching my weight so I pigged out big time and put on 4 and a half stone! Don't do what I did. Make sure you eat healthy and you're giving your baby the best start possible! Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I'm shocked! My family talks to my brother too, but not in public, only at home. My mom is hardcore about it...you've got to accept your divine punishment. I was in the hospital a few months ago, and she told me it was because "there is no happiness away from Jehovah". Yuck! on top of being pregnant, you are dealing with the religion issue. The JW's are an uncompromising bunch, although they are extremely nice people. Should you keep this child are you willing to leave the religion? I am not sure how they handle out of wedlock pregnancies, but you are not the first that this has happened to. I do know that they consider abortion a sin. It is a catch-22 situation. Is there an elder that you can talk to? It will really be tough to not have your mom as a support system. It was my understanding that if your were truly sorry all would be forgiven. Seemed to work with my brother-in-law and his son. No wonder you are sick and stressed. Take care of yourself!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kchiapet95 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 PP, is tomato sauce OK? I am craving penne pasta with tomato sauce. Ha ha! I just hope the acidity doesn't make me sick. Kasan, I consider myself already out of the religion...I just haven't actually been disfellowshipped. But I haven't practiced in some time, and I only attend meeting sporadically. I just feel like if I tell an elder, they might form a commitee and try to disfellowship me...and that's the last thing i need. I'd like to have my family, even as little as that counts for, since I can't share every aspect of my life with them truthfully. They already think I'm a f*ck up, considering I was a pioneer, in the magazines and on the circuit assemblies. When I say I was in it, I mean I was really in it..my sister lives at Wallkill! Link to post Share on other sites
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