trying to end it

[kchiapet95]

It is incredibly bad luck. I was raised in a very strict religion, and even though I no longer practice some things stick with me.

 

I have a doctor's appointment today to confirm, I scheduled it immediately after I took the test yesterday. I'd only be maybe 3 weeks along. I'm a week late. I thought nothing of it, but I'd been getting these odd cramps and my period hadn't come, and even though it's just a week, it's like clockwork. So just a little late was cause for concern.

[kchiapet95]

My therapist advised me that I should terminate the pregnancy...I'm not in a good position emotionally, financially to have a child. I know MM will not be supportive. I'm trying to go back to college, I have goals and aspirations but children are a blessing and I know so many people want a child and can't...

 

Let me confirm before I freak out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

*eta* I posted this before seeing you already have a therapist helping you...

 

Oh man. In a case like this its hard to know what to say. If you can, ask your physician about your emotional support and well being and get a referral to a counselor who can help you through this. If you thought your MM was selfish before, you are about to get a very clear picture of just how selfish a MM can be. When you throw a baby into the mix, it gets very, very complicated. Just take care of you, and get whatever help you need to help you in what you decide to do.

 

It is very, very important that you understand one thing: you will have to plan your future as a single parent. Your MM may or may not provide support, but he will never be a full time influence in your child's life, unless he decides to leave his wife and be with you. I can tell you this: it isn't likely, and you should not plan with that in mind.

[kchiapet95]

I don't expect him to be in my life. I realize that now. He would provide support, because I would take him to court, but emotionally, I am sure he wouldn't be there. We discussed it early on, because I have that discussion with anyone I am intimate with, and he told me he wouldn't be able to be there because I live so far away (he lives an hour away).

 

I am trying to just take one thing at a time, take care of myself, eat right, sleep well, and continue my therapy. I haven't talked to him since Saturday, and I will try not to.

[greengoddess]

I don't expect him to be in my life. I realize that now. He would provide support, because I would take him to court, but emotionally, I am sure he wouldn't be there. We discussed it early on, because I have that discussion with anyone I am intimate with, and he told me he wouldn't be able to be there because I live so far away (he lives an hour away).

 

I am trying to just take one thing at a time, take care of myself, eat right, sleep well, and continue my therapy. I haven't talked to him since Saturday, and I will try not to.

 

 

He told you early in the relationship that if you got pregnant he wouldn't be there because you live too far? You live all of an hour away and you accepted this answer and continued to sleep with him? May I ask why this was acceptable to you? An hour is too inconvenient to see a child?

[kchiapet95]

I didn't plan on getting pregnant. We did argue about it, but I didn't make a huge fuss about it, because that wasn't part of my plan. We had conversations about our relationship, where it was going, what his plans were, and the more time went on, the more dissatisfied I became with the answers. But my feelings are involved now, and that's a hard thing to overcome.

 

Now may I ask you, how exactly were you trying to be helpful to me with that post? Or were you just trying to criticize my decision making? If I made good choices all the time, I wouldn't be in therapy, and I wouldn't be visiting this forum.

[Tomcat33]

Pregnancy tests are 99% accurate if it says you are not pregnant, if it says you are then you most def are.

[whichwayisup]

Let's not jump the gun yet here until she knows for sure if she's pregnant. The cramping could be emotional stress, making her period come very late.

 

If you are pregnant, you decide what you should do, not on the advise of your therapist. You can listen to her, us and your friends/family, but at the end of the day, the choice is yours, don't let anyone pressure you into what 'they' think is best for you.

[kchiapet95]

You could be right, it could be stress...but that plus sign looked awfully real to me. I'm just trying to stay calm. You're right, not jumping the gun.

[Tomcat33]

You could be right, it could be stress...but that plus sign looked awfully real to me. I'm just trying to stay calm. You're right, not jumping the gun.

 

The cramping could very well be stress but the plus sign on the test is def. that she is with baby.

An ex of mine was a pediatritian, trust me on this. The chemistry of the test is designed to only change colour with the chemicals in your urine indicate you are pregnant. The one off change that it comes out wrong is only to indicate you are not and you actually are.

 

I'm sorry to hear things got so complicated for you Kchia, you have your whole life ahead of you and you are now faced with some big decisions.

[greengoddess]

sorry. I just can't imagine a man saying you live too far away if you get pregnant when you only live an hour. People commute that far every day for work.

 

I was just curious if you also thought that was absurd and obviously you did but chose to ignore it.

 

Good luck.

[OWoman]

You could be right, it could be stress...but that plus sign looked awfully real to me. I'm just trying to stay calm. You're right, not jumping the gun.

 

Was it a urine test? AFAIK those merely test for the presence of proteins in the urine, and so false positives are possible if there's any other source of protein, like blood or whatever. Which is why a second test, or a blood test, or a physical examination is usually required to confirm it if it's at an early stage. (Don't take this as gospel though - it's a long time since I had a pregnancy test! The technology may have moved on.)

 

But don't get too stressed at this stage. Get confirmation first, and then plan your next move.

 

Listen to all the advice you're given and weigh it up. But ultimately it has to be YOUR choice. Think of yourself five years from now, 10, 15, 20 years. How do you imagine yourself and where would you like to be? Is a child, or an abortion, more consistent with that picture? (Also, which you've not mentioned but I'm sure considered - if you have moral issues with abortion, but don't want a child, you could always put it up for adoption?)

 

Strength - this must be a very difficult time for you.

[whichwayisup]

A simple blood test will confirm this, so make an appointment with your family doctor. I think worrying and projecting into the future right now is only making you feel worse and more stressed out.

 

The cramping could very well be stress but the plus sign on the test is def. that she is with baby. An ex of mine was a pediatritian, trust me on this

 

Noone here can diagnose you. Noone.

[kchiapet95]

It's OK, I'm just moody...

 

Yes, that was how we met, at work. It's an old story, but I fell for it, hook, line, sinker. Not smart. I know that. Can't change it now.

 

I always wanted a family, I wanted to be a young mom, but not like this. I can't imagine having a child and giving it up. Interestingly, MM is adopted, and he said he is grateful that he was adopted rather than aborted, but he doesn't see why his mom would give him up, and can't see how a woman would do that. He also admitted to me that he got an ex-girlfriend pregnant, before his marriage and she ended it.

 

Yeah, I know, I picked a real winner. But that was a long time ago, he was younger then, probably in his early 20s, so I hoped he'd changed.

[Tomcat33]

Example:

 

 

Many HPTs claim to be 99% accurate on the day you miss your period. But research suggests that most HPTs do not consistently spot pregnancy that early. And when they do, the results are often very faint.

In a 2004 study, researchers tested the accuracy of 18 HPTs sold in retail stores. They found that only one brand consistently detected the low levels of hCG usually present on the first day of the missed period. This was the First Response, Early Result Pregnancy Test. The other tests missed up to 85% of pregnancies on the first day of the missed period. Most tests accurately confirmed pregnancies one week after the missed period.

 

 

In other words it can miss it but it won't tell you you are when you are not.

 

 

http://www.parentprofiles.com/pregnancy-articles/home-pregnancy-test-accuracy

[kchiapet95]

I'm pretty sure. I feel like I'm getting my period, but the cramps are different. Nothing yet, and I am abnormally exhausted. I don't feel sick, but I'm really tired. Nonetheless I'll find out tonight, my appointment is at 6 (I live in NY, MM lives in NJ).

[whichwayisup]

Let us know how it goes...

 

Do some deep breathing, that will help you keep calmer.

[Impudent Oyster]

He told you early in the relationship that if you got pregnant he wouldn't be there because you live too far? You live all of an hour away and you accepted this answer and continued to sleep with him? May I ask why this was acceptable to you? An hour is too inconvenient to see a child?

 

It has NOTHING to do with the fact that she lives an hour away and everything to do with the fact that HELLO...he's MARRIED, has grown children and judging from his trite excuses..never planned on leaving his wife.

 

Of course, he may not have a choice now. The wife would have a good mind to throw him out and never look back. What an idiot to get the OW pregnant.

[Fancee]

kchiapet95, I can tell reading thru all the post here that if you are pregnant( which for the childs sake I hope you are not) you have your mind made up about having your baby. For the child it would be better to have mother and father together.

These men really hate on these women who insist on having/trapping them into parenthood with a woman they don't want or they don't want the baby. The reason I say trapping I know you didn't plan or try to get pregnant. But they seem to feel women trapped them into parenthood against they will. Because once they tell you a nice way they are not going to be there as he said an hour away is very plain.

 

He don't want to share this experience with you. He doesn't want to be forced to pay childsupport like he is a common criminal. These type guys feel like its all your fault. They feel like they had nothing to do with you becoming pregnant. They feel you didn't do anything to prevent it because you wanted it.

 

Of course I am woman I know differently. But this exactly how they feel and sometimes these guys end up hating on you.They feel cheated. Its a gamble once he tells you what he don't want. He has his own family.

A lot of single women can tell you how miserable they are with those babies and the daddies cut out on them. Even thou God may bless them with somebody better, later.

I am not saying don't have your baby if you are pregnant. I just saying its a different mind set once those guys tell women they don't want it.

 

Some women end up getting the guy like that. I can't see him falling with a wife and grown children and he don't have to pay the courts. Actually he probably don't one by his wife. If you are pregnant its still a good thing.

[kchiapet95]

I could not log on yesterday for some reason.

 

It is confirmed, I am definitely pregnant. Honestly my mind is not made up as to what I will do. I have a lot to think about. I have not been feeling well at all...the nausea, headaches are taking their toll.

 

Another thing...I am not trying to get the guy. I'm trying to do what is best for me. He's not mine, I'm not trapping him, I'm just as upset, confused and scared as anyone else. This is my first pregnancy. My mom is extremely religious and she won't be happy. I don't really have a steady place to live...it's just not a good situation, but this is my baby, and my emotions are involved.

 

I have an appt with my therapist at 830 tonight, which should help.

[noforgiveness]

Oh no. When are you going to tell him? Before you make any descisions please tell him. He needs to know. It is his child too.

 

Keep safe.

[kchiapet95]

I'm not going to say anything until after my appointment tonight with my therapist. I am so scared. And sick. This is awful. I feel so alone.

[noforgiveness]

No you are not alone and never will be again. You have another human being growing inside of you. Feel it, sense it and take very good care of yourself. You are forever responsible for someone else.

[kchiapet95]

That almost made me cry....this is a heavy responsiblity, and I'm scared, and i don't have much time, and there aren't many people I can confide in. I just want to go home. I'm not doing well at work, even though I need the money, I am so sick, and I just want to lie down and rest. This is probably going to be the most difficult period in my life, and I've had some rough spots, for sure.

[whichwayisup]

Make sure you start taking the proper vitamins and any close friends you have, let them help you. Also, your mom WILL support you, just stay strong if she tries to pull the religious act on you - That aside, she still is your mom and wants to see you happy.

 

Yes, this is a test of strength, but I know deep down, it's inside you...Because of your baby, you'll find it.

 

I think once you've made a decision, what is best for you - You'll feel more at peace. Just don't let the therapist make you feel like the best option is to rid of your baby. You mentioned before she thought it would be best not to have it. The final choice is yours, so don't give anyone the power to take that away from you.

 

As for the MM - He does need to know, but I honestly wouldn't expect him to come running to your side. Who knows how he'll really react, so just don't expect much that way you won't be disappointed.