mylifewillgoon Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 This is the 4th day I was forced to take a break after she moved out (not completely; most of her belongings are still here). I hope I can also receive feedbacks from girls who have been on her shoes or know someone in a similar situation before so I can also understand a little better on where she is coming from. Here is my quick story: We are 10 years apart. She is in our mid-20. We dated for 4 years and married for 2 years with no kids. I am the so called nice guy and she is the attractive one who always brings a lot of attentions from males. Overall, she is a nice person though still immature, short tempered and selfish sometimes but I can generally tolerate it due to I am a lot older than her. Throughout our relationship, she feels like I took her youth away even though I always treat her with kindness, love and respect. She is not stable and doesn't know what to do with her life and she has not had an opportunity to explore as I am her first serious relationship. I have been taking care of everything so she felt like she desperately needs to find out who she is and growing up etc. Of course, I know a lot of girls need this, explores and dates a variety of men, once reaching certain age before fully committed but hate this event happen to us. She settled with me when she was not ready apparently. She said we can still meet to be physically intimate sometimes but I got so hurt when she asked my on the phone "can we take a break?" three times, I did not know what to say and just hung up the phone w/o giving an answer 'cause the action already presented itself and she is nice enough to ask for my permission. I'll do my best to maintain NC. But as a married couple, there is so much tie together w/ both of our names on so eventually we do have to talk even though I prefer to stay NC till I can heal completely. Even though I was sad but recognized the good days we have shared and sacrifices we both made. Of course, I want her back and I believe I am strong enough to survive well if she decides not to come back. I hope whatever comes out in the end, go separate way vs. get together, will be the better for each of us. Any advice/thought/feedback will be very grateful Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 If it's only been a few days since she sprung this on you... your knee-jerk reaction is going to be to fix it. But if you give it a couple of weeks and really think it over, it's possible that you might not even WANT her back. More times than not, when a partner is asking for "space"... it's so they can use that time to explore another relationship while keeping their mate on the back-burner. So... unless there are some fairly large deficits in the relationship, there's likely to be a snake in your woodpile. You need time to not only find out what the real facts are, but also to absorb whatever information you find. With that in mind, it might be best to remain noncommittal for awhile. Whatever you chase will invariably run. So... be cool and act like you don't give a rat's patootie. If she believes you're simmering nicely on the back-burner, there's no impetus for her to wonder about you, is there? All that said... from what you've described, she sounds like a pretty crappy partner anyway... immature, self-centered. You've only got 6 years invested and no kids to think about. If it was me, I believe I'd take my "get out of jail free card" and boogie on down the pike. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Im completely with LJ! I read that and wonder why are you with this chick in the first place? Is it that much of an ego boost to be with a young attractive girl? I wouldnt put up with that crap! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Whatever you chase will invariably run. So... be cool and act like you don't give a rat's patootie. If she believes you're simmering nicely on the back-burner, there's no impetus for her to wonder about you, is there? Ladyjane14, Thanks for your great feedback. Since she has moved out, I have been practicing NC but still wondering I should contact here occassionally. After reading your response, the answer is very clear. If I keep on NC, she'll contact me eventually 'cause most of her belongings are still in the house. It's a scary thought once she shows up in my door weeks or months from now 'cause I am not sure I'll be completely heal by then. May I ask when she is coming back for her belogning or for me, what should I do? Eric Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I don't think a strict form of No Contact is necessary when a wayward is still on the fence. Now, if she's firmly entrenched in the OM's backyard... that's something else. Try typing into your browser... "The Healing Library No Contact with your Wayward Spouse" and read the article you find there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Im completely with LJ! I read that and wonder why are you with this chick in the first place? Is it that much of an ego boost to be with a young attractive girl? I wouldnt put up with that crap! Cobra_X30, I never anticipated we will become serious at all when we first met. She loved me so much back then so I also love her back. I am that kind of person once making a committment, I will be completely devoted. So I never consider her as a trophy and show off; justm want our relationship might work out among all the difficulties. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 You guys have no kids so be glad to have her out of your life. Why do you even want a woman like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 May I ask when she is coming back for her belogning or for me, what should I do? I'd probably give her a couple of three weeks to pull her head out of her hindquarters, then I'd TELL her what she's gonna do about her junk. You are in the driver's seat of YOUR life. Why would you let somebody who hasn't got her sh*t together decide where you're going or when you're getting there? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I don't think a strict form of No Contact is necessary when a wayward is still on the fence. Now, if she's firmly entrenched in the OM's backyard... that's something else. Try typing into your browser... "The Healing Library No Contact with your Wayward Spouse" and read the article you find there. Thanks for your recommendation! Just read that article. I like it but in the article it mentioned "But you are very sweet and kind. In fact, sweet as sugar. But impersonal in a way. Kind of like the cashier treats you at the grocery store." It might take some acting on my part, I am so terrible on hiding my true feeling -- hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Type into your browser, "What are Plan A and Plan B, Marriagebuilders" for an overview on WHY it's recommended that you be "sweet". Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 You guys have no kids so be glad to have her out of your life. Why do you even want a woman like this? Woggle, I know you are right. I should have done thing differently. But when you are still emotionally attached, only time can heal in my case. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Plan A might at first glance seem to be inconsistent with 180's and a limited contact strategy, so don't let it throw you off. The best Plan A is going to be non-supportive of affair behavior, but will still provide positive reinforcement of how nice it is to interact with you. The 180's and limited contact change the "chase" dynamic, so instead of you chasing her... she's chasing you. Then Plan A rewards her effort with a positive experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Woggle, I know you are right. I should have done thing differently. But when you are still emotionally attached, only time can heal in my case. You have to rip the bandaid off all at once. It hurts at first but in time you will heal and realize you are better off without her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Type into your browser, "What are Plan A and Plan B, Marriagebuilders" for an overview on WHY it's recommended that you be "sweet". Certainly a great article. Thanks! I am not sure she has an affair and don't plan to find out as I am hurting already. I am ready for plan A so I will go straight to plan B for now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Plan A might at first glance seem to be inconsistent with 180's and a limited contact strategy, so don't let it throw you off. The best Plan A is going to be non-supportive of affair behavior, but will still provide positive reinforcement of how nice it is to interact with you. The 180's and limited contact change the "chase" dynamic, so instead of you chasing her... she's chasing you. Then Plan A rewards her effort with a positive experience. May I ask what 180's is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Certainly a great article. Thanks! I am not sure she has an affair and don't plan to find out as I am hurting already. I am ready for plan A so I will go straight to plan B for now. I intended to say NOT ready for plan A will go straight to plan B. When I am hurt, I display a lot of anger so I am not capable of practicing plan A. Another point I left out, I have flaw too -- I have a pretty boring personality. I try to change it, but I always go back to the routine everytime we go out -- eat in a resturant and rent a DVD want them at all though we constantly travel. But when we are in town, I am such a bore. The lack of ability to live a more exciting life contributes her departure too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 You guys have no kids so be glad to have her out of your life. Why do you even want a woman like this? Because I am not ready to give up completely w/o a final try so I can live the rest of my life in peace knowing I have done the best I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 May I ask what 180's is? From Michelle Weiner Davis's book Divorce Busting... excerpt: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Because I am not ready to give up completely w/o a final try so I can live the rest of my life in peace knowing I have done the best I can. Do not base your worth on whether or not you can stay married to a woman like this. It is not worth it to waste anymore of your time on her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Cobra_X30, I never anticipated we will become serious at all when we first met. She loved me so much back then so I also love her back. I am that kind of person once making a committment, I will be completely devoted. So I never consider her as a trophy and show off; justm want our relationship might work out among all the difficulties. I am glad that this wasnt some kind of trophy relationship to bouy up your self worth. That will make this less of a loss for you in the end. She will never grow up with you there to be responsible for her. There are better women waiting for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Because I am not ready to give up completely w/o a final try so I can live the rest of my life in peace knowing I have done the best I can. When you say a final try... I think you should do it like this. Let her know that if she is not ready to reconcile and begin working on the marriage right now, not a week later, two weeks later, or a month later... but right now. That its over! You will move on and leave her behind. Listen the more you leave her options open the more she wipes her feet on you. Plain and simple. She probably thinks she is confused, clear some things up for her... let her decide if she wants to give up or not. Ball isnt in your court anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 When you say a final try... I think you should do it like this. Let her know that if she is not ready to reconcile and begin working on the marriage right now, not a week later, two weeks later, or a month later... but right now. That its over! You will move on and leave her behind. Listen the more you leave her options open the more she wipes her feet on you. Plain and simple. She probably thinks she is confused, clear some things up for her... let her decide if she wants to give up or not. Ball isnt in your court anyway! I agree. Tell her to make a decision right now because you don't plan on living in limbo for much longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 From Michelle Weiner Davis's book Divorce Busting... excerpt: Thanks so much for taking your time to offer my great advice! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks for your all of your support by responding my problem. Just by reading your feedback already make my life feel better. Truly appreciate your wisdom by offering some light so I am not alone on this. At this point, my heart and head is not inline so I will take a little time until I am ready to handle such a difficult matter. I know maybe I probably should have confronted her and moved on right away. But I figure the best fit approach for me is to rebuild myself first before worrying about how to deal with her. I will continue update the progress as my healing process and continue seek out your advice. One thing I have to turn around is not to be so dull as a person. So whoever eventually will be my spouse won't be too bored with me. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mylifewillgoon Posted October 10, 2007 Author Share Posted October 10, 2007 Today is my 5th day of a painful journey and I hit a pretty low point. My friend set me up to go out with a lady. I was not "in the zone" at all as I felt so hurt inside. I realize I am just not ready to move on yet and there is a lot of emptiness during and especially after the event which I don't even want to consider it a date 'cause I was not into it. Going back to the lonely house tonight is devastated to me. One weird thing is I received an email from my ex (not my current wife) saying Hi to me. She left me a decade ago and we still maintained freindship till my wife showed up in my life and forced me to cut tie completely with my former ex. Receiving her email made me feel even worse as her current marraige is probably not working well so she would reach out for me. Why was I frequently mistreated, abandoned and only be appreciated after it is too late. Another weird thing is I received a private call on my cell phone which is also very rare. Anyway, try not to look into too much of this one. Later! Link to post Share on other sites
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