Young wife takes a break from me

[Ladyjane14]

Five days into a separation and you're going on dates?

 

Man, I can't see how adding other women into an already big, confusing problem is going to make for less trouble instead of more.

 

Maybe the thing to do would be to slow down, give yourself some time to get your bearings, get in touch with YOU so you know what it is you really want, and NOT commit to decisions made in haste.

 

Have a read through Sumdude's thread as well as ILMW's:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110597

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/

[Chrome Barracuda]

Good news is that many women find you attractive. That's a plus.

 

But right now you need to heal, focus on just your kids, that is all! The woman you loved is dead and gone, metaphysically. and metaphorically.

 

Once you get over your soon to be ex, your gonna feel better about yourself, dont let this hold you down. You got a life to lead and kids to take care of right?

 

Get yourself better first, go through the motions and just live.

[mylifewillgoon]

Five days into a separation and you're going on dates?

 

Man, I can't see how adding other women into an already big, confusing problem is going to make for less trouble instead of more.

 

Maybe the thing to do would be to slow down, give yourself some time to get your bearings, get in touch with YOU so you know what it is you really want, and NOT commit to decisions made in haste.

 

Have a read through Sumdude's thread as well as ILMW's:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110597

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t90264/

 

Thx, LJ.

You are right; I shouldn't have gone for it. I had a moment of weakness but I did inform her honestly I am not ready for anything; just want to kill time.

 

I have the urge to contact her sister to find out how she is doing. As I am practicing plan B so my guess is probably not a good idea. What's ur opinion on this?

[Ladyjane14]

Unless you're wanting to move right to Plan D (divorce)... I think you're better off in Plan A + 180's with limited contact.

 

Plan B is generally ineffective until AFTER Plan A is accomplished. In Plan A, you prove to your partner that you ARE a preferable partner, that you're qualified to meet her needs. It's the starkness of contrast between a really good Plan A, (where many ENs are still being met), and a really dark Plan B, (where EN fulfillment is totally withdrawn), which can sometimes wake a wayward up to the impending loss of the relationship. When it's done well, it's done BEFORE the love bank goes broke so there's still time for recovery.

 

As to your other question... no, I wouldn't call her sister. The sister will talk, and you'll come off looking desperate.

[mylifewillgoon]

Good news is that many women find you attractive. That's a plus.

 

But right now you need to heal, focus on just your kids, that is all! The woman you loved is dead and gone, metaphysically. and metaphorically.

 

Once you get over your soon to be ex, your gonna feel better about yourself, dont let this hold you down. You got a life to lead and kids to take care of right?

 

Get yourself better first, go through the motions and just live.

 

We don't have kids so it will be easier for us if things don't work out.

[mylifewillgoon]

Unless you're wanting to move right to Plan D (divorce)... I think you're better off in Plan A + 180's with limited contact.

 

Plan B is generally ineffective until AFTER Plan A is accomplished. In Plan A, you prove to your partner that you ARE a preferable partner, that you're qualified to meet her needs. It's the starkness of contrast between a really good Plan A, (where many ENs are still being met), and a really dark Plan B, (where EN fulfillment is totally withdrawn), which can sometimes wake a wayward up to the impending loss of the relationship. When it's done well, it's done BEFORE the love bank goes broke so there's still time for recovery.

 

As to your other question... no, I wouldn't call her sister. The sister will talk, and you'll come off looking desperate.

 

LJ, I might want to take a different appraoch than what you have suggested. I can't do plan A since I am not sure there is anyone invovled yet. As a matter of fact, I rather not know so to speak till I feel emotionally ready to face the reality. Initiate a conversation from me to talk about plan A sends a message of desparation and I will not do so till she calls me. The thing is I don't even want to pick up the phone when she calls. From a postive perspective, I am somewhat admiring her action to take an intiative to find herself; this must be a strong need as she has been having depression of not knowing what to do in her life.

 

What I really need is a woman who knows for sure I am the right one for her. If she comes back half way, I just don't plan to accept it. If she wants me, she has to demonstrate some action. Knowing her, i am quite sure she is very sad and confused. I have been her best friend and rock till this point, it might be good for her to develop some sort of independence so she won't always have to rely on me to do majority of the work w/o stressing out. The thing is i love her so much and have been investing in 6 years so 6 more months of waiting won't be such a big deal. I think if by miracle she comes back one day, she'll grow up to be a better woman and that will be my goal.

[mylifewillgoon]

This is the self encouragement for today:

If she's gone -- her loss and my gain.

If she comes back -- our gain.

 

I recalled she once said recently -- it's so hard to find a man like you (in a good way I guess). I am not reading too much into it, but it did demonstrate there is still hope. A day before she took a break, she told me she loves me a lot. Of course, everyhing is subjected to change after her departure, but if my love to her couldn't sustain a break, I will lose her eventually. Now I somehow understand a little better on why she needs a break. She, as a confused and depressed person, and I, have been breathing her emotion and drowned myself gradually, probably both need it anyway.

 

I start to feel like I need to change myself for my own sake so I won't drown. I will join a gymn again and learn some new hobby so I won't be too dull.

 

Thanks for your support and everything seems to be clearer to me on what I need to do from now on -- waiting patiently while becoming a better person.

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, I might want to take a different appraoch than what you have suggested. I can't do plan A since I am not sure there is anyone invovled yet. As a matter of fact, I rather not know so to speak till I feel emotionally ready to face the reality.

 

This is why I suggested to you in my first post that you take a couple of weeks to think things over and see how you feel. Hell, you might not even want to bother with any kind of recovery effort once you've thought it over. Who knows? It's early days yet.

 

Anyway, if you're not ready for Plan A, and you're not quite sure you're through with the marriage... a strict Plan B (No Contact) type plan is too stringent, IMO. It could burn your bridges before you've even started.

 

Better to straddle the fence 'til you know where your mind is on the matter and remain noncommittal, taking no action at all.

 

Try reading through a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley for more detailed info. Now, as you've stated, you don't know if there's an affair underfoot, but that's okay. The same strategy utilized to deal with an affair can also deal with a recalcitrant mate. That said, there is NO strategy which can guarantee successful reconciliation. So all you can do is the best you can do.

[mylifewillgoon]

This is why I suggested to you in my first post that you take a couple of weeks to think things over and see how you feel. Hell, you might not even want to bother with any kind of recovery effort once you've thought it over. Who knows? It's early days yet.

 

Anyway, if you're not ready for Plan A, and you're not quite sure you're through with the marriage... a strict Plan B (No Contact) type plan is too stringent, IMO. It could burn your bridges before you've even started.

 

Better to straddle the fence 'til you know where your mind is on the matter and remain noncommittal, taking no action at all.

 

Try reading through a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley for more detailed info. Now, as you've stated, you don't know if there's an affair underfoot, but that's okay. The same strategy utilized to deal with an affair can also deal with a recalcitrant mate. That said, there is NO strategy which can guarantee successful reconciliation. So all you can do is the best you can do.

 

LJ, you are full of wisdom everytime you post. May I ask whether you've been through a similar experience and what the outcome turns out to be?

[Ladyjane14]

I don't have time to get into it a whole bunch, but yeah... we had a pretty nasty little dust-up a couple of years ago. No physical separation though.

 

My husband and I have been married 25 years, and have resolved our problems very nicely. These days, we're happier and more satisfied than ever with our marriage.

[mylifewillgoon]

Anyway, if you're not ready for Plan A, and you're not quite sure you're through with the marriage... a strict Plan B (No Contact) type plan is too stringent, IMO. It could burn your bridges before you've even started.

 

Would you please clarify why it might burn the bridge if I go straight to plan B?

[Ladyjane14]

If she left you because she felt her needs were unmet within the relationship for whatever reason, you're not proving that you're ready, willing, and able to address those needs by ignoring her.

 

IOW, in order for her to WANT to come back, she's got to see you as the preferable alternative to moving on.

 

The contrast between a really stellar Plan A when followed by a really dark Plan B can illustrate to her what she's losing when she loses you.

 

It's just like fishing, fella. You've got to get some bait on the hook.

[mylifewillgoon]

If she left you because she felt her needs were unmet within the relationship for whatever reason, you're not proving that you're ready, willing, and able to address those needs by ignoring her.

 

IOW, in order for her to WANT to come back, she's got to see you as the preferable alternative to moving on.

 

The contrast between a really stellar Plan A when followed by a really dark Plan B can illustrate to her what she's losing when she loses you.

 

It's just like fishing, fella. You've got to get some bait on the hook.

I assume she might not even know what her needs are. I still belive she is moving on to find herself, which including her needs. I don't think either of us is ready to have a "what to do conversation from now on" conversation yet, so I'll just leave her alone for now.

 

I have been her closest friend for years and maybe she does need me as freindship basis. But I am not ready to give in till she makes at least a couple of phone calls etc.

[mylifewillgoon]

Her family is great to me all along, I really miss them too. They mean a lot to me as well. I know they also prefer us to stay together.

 

Night time is tougher than day time -- loneliness can swallow you. I need to readjust my schedule so I can start to work out at night.

[Chrome Barracuda]

It's sad , but you gotta put you first. What she wants to do is run the streets. She cant do that being married.

 

Maybe she will come back. But in the case she may take like forever. Prepare yourself to move on. Who takes a break from marriage???

 

This aint no job, this aint no game!!!

 

Trust me, homie your better off.

[mylifewillgoon]

It's sad , but you gotta put you first. What she wants to do is run the streets. She cant do that being married.

 

Maybe she will come back. But in the case she may take like forever. Prepare yourself to move on. Who takes a break from marriage???

 

This aint no job, this aint no game!!!

 

Trust me, homie your better off.

I think it is way to early to call it off. I believe patience will prevail.

[mylifewillgoon]

LJ,

 

I reread all the responses you made for me and realized I do indeed have quite a bit of flaw. I am not a good listener or reader in this case, I only listen/read the part I would choose. Now I finally see your perspective clearly. Imagine whe she was crying for my help to satisfy her unfulfilled needs, I must ignored that and pretended nothing bad had happened. I don't even know what part of her needs are not satisfied. Apparently I have a lot of work to do for this or future relationship.

 

As you suggest, this is only my first week so I will take another 2 weeks to think it through. Once she starts to reach me by phone call, I will demonstrate what i have learned from plan A + 180. I will also find out whether there is OM invovled to decide whether to take plan B. I am hoping I am not missing anything, please advise!

[Ladyjane14]

...I will take another 2 weeks to think it through. Once she starts to reach me by phone call, I will demonstrate what i have learned from plan A + 180. I will also find out whether there is OM invovled to decide whether to take plan B.

 

I think that's a good plan. When she contacts you... be pleasant but not conciliatory. You want her to end the interaction on a good note, so she leaves with a pleasant taste in her mouth, but you also want to come off as a bit mysterious so she's no longer self-assured of her ability to "work you".

 

It's a bit of a tightrope walk, with no guarantees of success... but I think it wise to keep as many options open as possible for now. A woman in her mid-20's isn't always as mature as she might be later in life. Who knows? Maybe she'll do a little growing up and turn it all around.

 

Your concern that she doesn't seem to know her own mind in terms of what her needs are is a valid one. Maybe a read through The Five Love Languages by Chapman will help you to identify some of her ENs. It's okay to fulfill ENs in Plan A, just so long as you're not fulfilling her "need to dump her husband".

[mylifewillgoon]

I think that's a good plan. When she contacts you... be pleasant but not conciliatory. You want her to end the interaction on a good note, so she leaves with a pleasant taste in her mouth, but you also want to come off as a bit mysterious so she's no longer self-assured of her ability to "work you".

 

It's a bit of a tightrope walk, with no guarantees of success... but I think it wise to keep as many options open as possible for now. A woman in her mid-20's isn't always as mature as she might be later in life. Who knows? Maybe she'll do a little growing up and turn it all around.

 

Your concern that she doesn't seem to know her own mind in terms of what her needs are is a valid one. Maybe a read through The Five Love Languages by Chapman will help you to identify some of her ENs. It's okay to fulfill ENs in Plan A, just so long as you're not fulfilling her "need to dump her husband".

 

LJ, many thx to your feedback!

 

Being mysterious yet pleasant. How do I do that? Can you be a little specific?

 

OK, I'll purchas the The Five Love Languagesin online. Would you please summarize it before its arrival if it is possible?

[mental_traveller]

Just divorce her and get it over with. Married women do not and should not act like this.

 

Next time, think harder before getting married. Don't just marry someone because you love them, you also have to be pragmatic and consider their personality and life situation - is it suited to marriage, which is after all a lifelong affair? Sounds like you married in haste.

[mylifewillgoon]

Just divorce her and get it over with. Married women do not and should not act like this.

 

Next time, think harder before getting married. Don't just marry someone because you love them, you also have to be pragmatic and consider their personality and life situation - is it suited to marriage, which is after all a lifelong affair? Sounds like you married in haste.

 

Thanks for ur input! Can't do it yet. I've already learned a good lesson but it's not the right time just to call it quit until time comes.

[mylifewillgoon]

LJ, hopefully I can hear your advice on this. I gave a birthday gift to my wife's younger brother today; something he has been wishing for school activity but hasn't been able to purchased it due to it is a somewhat expensive item. I probably shouldn't have done so 'cause it sent the message of despararion. But it's too late now. What's your opinion on this glitch and what should I do?

[Gunny376]

First off ~ I'm not typing MyLifeWillGoOn ~ so hereby beqeauth you MyLife ~ aka ML!+

 

Next? Welcome to LS, I'm Gunny. And I say that to qualify that you're not me and I'm not you.

 

You're first problem? You've got "NGS!" Don't worry, its not terminal and it can over the course of time be cured, with a lot of effort on your part.

 

What is "NGS"? Nice Guy Syndrone. Girls hate it, most grown don't care for it too much either.

 

The key to women, dating and mating ~ is balance.

 

As a general rule? I say no twice as often as I say yes, but I say yes when they expect a "no". Its not a game I play with them~ its what I do to keep them guessing, interested, and a challenge to them. Its a "learned" skill, and you have to learn how to finese it! You'll fall on your ass with it more than succeed with it the first couple of time you try it.

 

And here's the kicker to it? They know its a game, and that its not a game ~ they understand better as the "Dance of Romance"

 

Women like to have fun ~ they like to be excited ~ they like to smile, laugh, and giggle! This is even more so for girls. But in every woman? There's still a little girl!

 

You're best strategty at the present is to follow LJ's adive and go NC with the 180's! You don't need anyone to get involved with, hang out with, keep from being bored!

 

You've got a lot to learn? Its time to quit being a fool for love and get your azz back in school! Find out what works? And what doesn't!

 

You've already "manned-up" in part because you're willing to accept the final consequences and outscome of all this ~ regardless. But lets kick it up a notch ~ shall we? Instead of resting your destiny and life in this little gal's hand ~ why not take control of your own life, your own emotions, your own feeling, ~ your own destiny.

 

Wheather she comes, goes, stays or not ~ matters not!

 

She and she alone is not the determining factor in the sum total of your life and your exsistence ~ you are!

 

The amount to time, effort, energy and money that you would expend in getting this one back? Would net you a dozen others if not others.

 

You need to go NC and give yourself some time to get your head and @ss wired back together. Whenevr someone becomes as emotionally dependent upon someone as you have become upon your DW ~ that's not a good thing!

 

You need to regain control of your emotions! If your not in control of your emotions? Then there in control of you!

 

From what you've described? This little lost lamb of a mid-twenties of a "girl" has some growing up and learning to do! What is more? She's not got a damn thing to offer you what you can't find just as good as, if not better! Just as much of ~ if not more ~ somewhere else ~ with someone else!

 

You're problem as I see it isn't so much as the DW walking out on you? As it is you! You and your fear to be able to replace her with someone else of equal value and beauty, etc

 

You need to work on the confidence there Slick! Trust me when I tell you? Out there, among the other 3.5 billion other women in the world is one that's wondering where the Hell you been all my life?

 

Me? Women don't walk out on me and come back! Its just not done in "Gunny-land"

 

I've got a lot to offer a woman ~ or at least most women! I've studied rommance, relationships, dating, mating, seducation, sex, ~ and yea still learning! Learned a Hell of a lot here at LS and especially from LJ!

 

A lot more than most women have to offer me? And I bitten the bullet, and chew leather in learning how to be completely single and alone.

 

Me? I could give a damn less if I ever get married or in another relationship. I'll pass over a mountain of quantity to get to just one good quality woman!

 

You need to get into IC and work on your confidence and self-worth! You come across as good person, a nice person! And that's part of your problem!

 

You need to "man-up!"

 

I'd give this little gal ~ (and I'm being very, very, very generious) three weeks to get her act together!

 

After that? It would be "Urban Cowboy" she'd see the best looking thing I could find shinning my belt-buckle! Even if it meant hiring the best looking ~ top-dollar hooker in town just to dance all night with me!

 

You need to induce some reality in this little gals life!

 

Find yourself? BS!

 

When you do? And if you do! Don't come crawiling your azz back around here!

 

Cause I've already moved on!

 

That's what I'd be telling her @ss!

 

One time! Limited time offer! Going, going, going, gone!

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, hopefully I can hear your advice on this. I gave a birthday gift to my wife's younger brother today; something he has been wishing for school activity but hasn't been able to purchased it due to it is a somewhat expensive item. I probably shouldn't have done so 'cause it sent the message of despararion. But it's too late now. What's your opinion on this glitch and what should I do?

 

Your relationship with your young brother-in-law is separate from your relationship with your wife. There's no reason why you shouldn't acknowledge his birthday with a gift. It's not his fault that you and your wife have separated.

 

I think you did just fine.

 

Look at it this way... reconciliation after physical separation is a bit of a long shot. And it's a marathon, not a sprint. If you allow your fears of doing the wrong thing to paralyze you, you're gonna be facing a long-ass time living in limbo. Relax. All any man can do is the best he can do, right?

 

Mind what Gunny has said to you. This time alone offers you an opportunity to tune in to YOUR wants and needs. Use it well.

[Gunny376]

There nothing wrong with purchasing a Birthday present for anyone that you feel geniune affection to ~ know ~ want to recognize ~ Hell it could be the local wino down on the street corner.

 

But in the end? I question if this isn't just more NGS? And there's nothing wrong with a nice guy? Please don't go to the other extreme and become an @sshat! The world's got all it can handle already ~ is covered up with them in fact!

 

But if your motive is trying to get the attention of the DW ~ then you're doing it all for the wrong reason.

 

To be honest? From your description of the DW ~ I don't think she's mature nor responsible enough for marriage ~ to you nor anyone else.

 

In the end? When it comes to your situation? Well? Its like Steve told Hellen ~

 

"Hell! There's just no tellin'!"

 

If it were me? She'd be the one that would have to be doing all the beggin' and pleadin'! I'd be finding something or someone else to occupy my time!

 

Life's too freaking short!