Young wife takes a break from me

[mylifewillgoon]

........What is "NGS"? Nice Guy Syndrone. Girls hate it, most grown don't care for it too much either......

 

Gunny, thx so much for ur honest opinion. It's very refreshing and like a wake up call whne you point out "You're problem as I see it isn't so much as the DW walking out on you? As it is you! You and your fear to be able to replace her with someone else of equal value and beauty, etc." among other great points you point out.

 

After many years of slagging, I will start to workout with a personal trainner as another step for preparing myself for moving on. Please continue sharing your wisdom with me.

 

BTW, what is IC?

[Gunny376]

IC = Individual Counseling

[mylifewillgoon]

....... If you allow your fears of doing the wrong thing to paralyze you, you're gonna be facing a long-ass time living in limbo. Relax. All any man can do is the best he can do, right?.......

 

LJ, this is awesome. I need to get my fear out. Living in fear is a sign of failure.

[mylifewillgoon]

.......But if your motive is trying to get the attention of the DW ~ then you're doing it all for the wrong reason.

I confess I was doing it for the wrong reason.

[mylifewillgoon]

Forgot to mentioned her older sister called last night after her mom requested her to check out on me to see if i am ok. As far as l know, her family likes me.

 

Anyway, I claimed I have been so occupied at work, workout, new found hobby etc. I joked and laughted with her and demonstrated quite a bit confidence in myself and career. This is somewhat true but with exaggeration as you know. I decide I will not show any sadness, I used to do so when we had a fight, from now on in front of her family.

 

One thing I probably shouldn't have done is to give out too much info about my current life, which is full of positive things. Maybe I should have made it a little more mysterious like LJ suggested. Anyway, who cares about how they think. I need to get out of my own life, not the version with exaggeration during my conversation with her sister, going first.

[Gunny376]

One of the hardest things to do in all of this is learning how to be single and alone again ~ comfortable in your own skin ~ learning ~ adapting to live alone ~ eat alone ~ sleep alone!

 

If this thing goes South? Take the time to get to know yourself. Many of us never do? We go from being at home to being married ~ to jumping in another relationship.

 

But, as all too many of us that have been married have learned? You don't have to be by yourself to be alone?

[mylifewillgoon]

You don't have to be by yourself to be alone?

Very true. Loneliness has been there when I was with her.

[ilmw]

One of the hardest things to do in all of this is learning how to be single and alone again ~ comfortable in your own skin ~ learning ~ adapting to live alone ~ eat alone ~ sleep alone!

 

If this thing goes South? Take the time to get to know yourself. Many of us never do? We go from being at home to being married ~ to jumping in another relationship.

 

But, as all too many of us that have been married have learned? You don't have to be by yourself to be alone?

 

No doubt Gunns! This statement is so true..... Best thing I ever did.. was fork out and get my own place... and be on my own for the first time in my life. Became self-sufficient... self-reliant.. self-motivated.... a lone, but not lonely... as I became comfortable in my own skin.. and could entertain myself... :lmao::lmao: (no seriously... you know what I mean)

 

Never fear to be alone... its not so bad... and you really learn to pick up after yourself... and do laundry... cause no one else will do it for you!

 

ilmw

[whichwayisup]

Living in fear is a sign of failure.

 

No, it isn't. To lay in bed, pull the covers over your head and do nothing is the wrong thing to do, but don't say failure...It just means you have fears. Everyone has some sort of fear, but usually it doesn't come up until we're faced with it.

 

You're going to be okay.

[buckdawg]

Do not base your worth on whether or not you can stay married to a woman like this. It is not worth it to waste anymore of your time on her.

 

took me 35 years to figure this out. well said!

[mylifewillgoon]

This is so weird. My DW just called and apparently she hasn't checked her voice mails for weeks. She must have been depressed for a while before taking a break from me. The message I left her was about an event I organized a couple days before she annouced she is taking a break. I explained to her the voice mail I left for her was back then and I haven't tried to call her since. I only gave her a simple response onher questions: life is good. A lot of things happening now. Pets (we have no kids) are good. You take care!

 

Anyway, she called me not because she wants to come back just want to clarify this is not a coming event 'cause she can't make it 'cause she has to work. Anyway I am not getting excited at all and blindly considered this as a step forward. My goal is to make me to be a better person and the optional bonus is to make her to be a better bonus.

 

As I haven't grasped the concept of being sweet as sugar while practicing 180 suggested by LJ yet. So IMO, this conversation is less sweet and more like a no emotion invovled encounter at least from my part due to I am still hurting inside. Anyway, I am not putting too much emphasis in this 2 minute call; I have a mountain to climb to get out of NGS pointed out my Gunny.

[mylifewillgoon]

No, it isn't. To lay in bed, pull the covers over your head and do nothing is the wrong thing to do, but don't say failure...It just means you have fears. Everyone has some sort of fear, but usually it doesn't come up until we're faced with it.

 

You're going to be okay.

whichwayisup, thx for your correction. Agree!

[ilmw]

This is so weird. My DW just called and apparently she hasn't checked her voice mails for weeks. She must have been depressed for a while before taking a break from me. The message I left her was about an event I organized a couple days before she annouced she is taking a break. I explained to her the voice mail I left for her was back then and I haven't tried to call her since. I only gave her a simple response onher questions: life is good. A lot of things happening now. Pets (we have no kids) are good. You take care!

 

Anyway, she called me not because she wants to come back just want to clarify this is not a coming event 'cause she can't make it 'cause she has to work. Anyway I am not getting excited at all and blindly considered this as a step forward. My goal is to make me to be a better person and the optional bonus is to make her to be a better bonus.

 

As I haven't grasped the concept of being sweet as sugar while practicing 180 suggested by LJ yet. So IMO, this conversation is less sweet and more like a no emotion invovled encounter at least from my part due to I am still hurting inside. Anyway, I am not putting too much emphasis in this 2 minute call; I have a mountain to climb to get out of NGS pointed out my Gunny.

 

Yeah.. Gunny, and well Lj and well several other folk on LS... told me a while ago... not to grasp at crumbs... Phone calls can just be phone calls.. and having no actual meaning... (took me a while to grasp this)

 

Don't be to hard on yourself...k There is a huge learning curve when it comes to this... some get it sooner than others... some never actually do get it... and the continue to do what does not work. I'm not sure a what point I started to get it... and I really did not start "getting it" until... I decided I was doing it for me... and not anyone else...

 

Another thing... I started to practice was this... Hope for the best... expect the worse... keeps you grounded... and prepared..

 

and if you have not read the book "Divorce Busting".. I highly suggest you do... opened my eyes to a lot of things... and helped a lot.

 

Take care of you!

 

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

As I haven't grasped the concept of being sweet as sugar while practicing 180 suggested by LJ yet. So IMO, this conversation is less sweet and more like a no emotion invovled encounter at least from my part due to I am still hurting inside.

 

You did alright.

 

The 180's are designed to provoke a little bit of mystery and remind you not to "chase" your wayward. That's why you're doing the 180's.

 

When we talk about being sweet though, maybe the thing to do is to think about the guy you were the day before you met her. Who was that guy?

Certainly there was something attractive about him because in the end she did say 'yes' to your marriage proposal. So.. my suggestion is that you let that guy out. Let him do the 180's. That way, she's not seeing you as some distraught sad-sack, percolating nicely on the back burner.

 

Now, it's perfectly okay to let her know that your preference is reconciliation of the marriage, but why not wait and let her be the one to bring the subject to the table? And if she never does... C'est la vie. You were looking for love when you met her, right? There are three and a half billion women on the planet.

[mylifewillgoon]

Another thing... I started to practice was this... Hope for the best... expect the worse... keeps you grounded... and prepared..

 

ilmw

ilmw, this is great reminder! I have been doing a lot of "hope for the best", some "keeps you grounded" but almost none "expect the worse". So I need to lower my expectation now. If i have no expectation; anything result above that bottomline will be a bonus.

[mylifewillgoon]

When we talk about being sweet though, maybe the thing to do is to think about the guy you were the day before you met her. Who was that guy?

This is right on!! Used to be a guy having a sense of humor around her. Now probably a tense and rather gumpy & old. Need to make the change!!

 

Now, it's perfectly okay to let her know that your preference is reconciliation of the marriage, but why not wait and let her be the one to bring the subject to the table?

 

I'll wait for her 1st move. No point to pressure her for serious conversation now.

[mylifewillgoon]

Just got back from workout and feel exhausted physically yet great mentally. Will make it as the first priority to get my health back.

[mylifewillgoon]

LJ, since u mentioned i want to bring the old guy out who used to attract her. To many people's surprises as a nice guy, I actually used to talk dirty to her to spice up our sex life. I didn't understand why the passion & fire has dropped a notch even before the break till you pointed out there are emotional needs not being fulfilled. Is it too early to conduct seductive concersation in case she calls me next time?

[Gunny376]

You to bring the best of the "old you" and the best of the "new you!"

 

When I say don't be the "Super Guy" don't become a "pr**k either.

 

Firm, fair, but friendly,

 

I wouldn't pursue her in the least? You're the one that has the "goods" and are of high value. You know that, and so do a lot of other women? Especially women! You've got a lot of offer a good woman, and she @ss can't see that? Too bad ~ too sad!

 

If she doesn't want what you've got to offer? Well, go talk a walk where there are a lot of people! The freaking world is covered up with women! They come literally in all sizes, colors, shapes and forms!

 

If it were me? I'd give her azz plenty of opportunity to come to the realization?

 

"I wonder what he's doing? And who he's doing it with? And why isn't his @ss thinking about? Calling me? Spending time with me?" :eek::mad:

 

You know? The imagination is very fertile ground! I'd be giving her something to think about!

[mylifewillgoon]

You to bring the best of the "old you" and the best of the "new you!"

 

When I say don't be the "Super Guy" don't become a "pr**k either.

 

Firm, fair, but friendly,

 

I wouldn't pursue her in the least? You're the one that has the "goods" and are of high value. You know that, and so do a lot of other women? Especially women! You've got a lot of offer a good woman, and she @ss can't see that? Too bad ~ too sad!

 

If she doesn't want what you've got to offer? Well, go talk a walk where there are a lot of people! The freaking world is covered up with women! They come literally in all sizes, colors, shapes and forms!

 

If it were me? I'd give her azz plenty of opportunity to come to the realization?

 

"I wonder what he's doing? And who he's doing it with? And why isn't his @ss thinking about? Calling me? Spending time with me?" :eek::mad:

 

You know? The imagination is very fertile ground! I'd be giving her something to think about!

 

Gunny, I admire your ability to put things under perspectives in a unique way. This has been a eye popping experinces for me since joining LS for about a week. I figure when a person is wounded and hurt like me, he/she can actually get out much stronger with the right set of guidlines, which i received plenty over here. I need to make my life much much better (I wish her life as well) after the ordeal is concluded. If I set this goal right and prepare for the worst, things will be better.

[Gunny376]

Sorry for the gramar and spelling errors? LS timed-out feature! My putter crashed a couple of weeks ago? I lost my word processor ~ and I can't spell worth a damn! "Learner's Block!"

 

THIS is the time to learn about two things they don't teach in HS, college, nor the military ~ the three places most learn early in their adult life ~ about the things they need to know about ~ LIFE!

 

Personal Finance

 

Inter-personal retlationships!

 

When your happy-ass got married? Didi they issue you and "owner's mannual? NO!

 

But when you bought a car ~ did it come with one? Yes!

 

When your Happy-ass got a marraige liscence? Did you have to have taken a "driver's course?" Absoulelty! Did you when you got married? NO!

 

This is the time to get busy learing! About both!

 

Time to chill the f**k out ~ get your head together! Time to chill out and get your act together! Time to quit being a fool and get your ass back in school!

 

You're not ready to get back with the DW nor anyone else! And if you do? You're Happy @ss is going to be forty years down the road at the old folks home talking about your second, third, and fourth X-wife!

 

You learn now! Or your @ss can learn Later!

 

You can pay me now! Or you can pay me later!

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

I'm re-reading and make some notes trying to come up with a half-witted post about getting your ex back! I'm going back 17 years through stuff to help you guys!

 

For now?

 

You guys need to work on getting back to the "best" that you were! Before you meet the STBXW or SO!

 

Its taken getting it wrapped around my head? That where I'm at now?

 

I'm a Navy Seal/Marine Force Recon ~ and you guys are raw recruits?

 

I'm seventeen years ahead of your thinking!

 

Much like LadyJane, Lakesidedreams, DropDeadLegs, and Crudgememmon etc.

 

We've all been where many of you have been? And ~ BACK!

 

Some of us? Have been to the well more than twice or more!

 

Its a bitter-well!

[Ladyjane14]

LJ, since u mentioned i want to bring the old guy out who used to attract her. To many people's surprises as a nice guy, I actually used to talk dirty to her to spice up our sex life. I didn't understand why the passion & fire has dropped a notch even before the break till you pointed out there are emotional needs not being fulfilled. Is it too early to conduct seductive concersation in case she calls me next time?

 

I wouldn't. It's okay to present yourself as a fun-loving guy... but I think it's best to let her do any chasing. Humor is one thing, seduction is another.

 

It's just like fishing, fella. Bait your hook, but don't try to reel her in 'til you're sure you've got a bite.

[mylifewillgoon]

Sorry for the gramar and spelling errors? LS timed-out feature! My putter crashed a couple of weeks ago? I lost my word processor ~ and I can't spell worth a damn! "Learner's Block!"

 

THIS is the time to learn about two things they don't teach in HS, college, nor the military ~ the three places most learn early in their adult life ~ about the things they need to know about ~ LIFE!

 

Personal Finance

 

Inter-personal retlationships!

 

When your happy-ass got married? Didi they issue you and "owner's mannual? NO!

 

But when you bought a car ~ did it come with one? Yes!

 

When your Happy-ass got a marraige liscence? Did you have to have taken a "driver's course?" Absoulelty! Did you when you got married? NO!

 

This is the time to get busy learing! About both!

 

Time to chill the f**k out ~ get your head together! Time to chill out and get your act together! Time to quit being a fool and get your ass back in school!

 

You're not ready to get back with the DW nor anyone else! And if you do? You're Happy @ss is going to be forty years down the road at the old folks home talking about your second, third, and fourth X-wife!

 

You learn now! Or your @ss can learn Later!

 

You can pay me now! Or you can pay me later!

 

Just that plain and simple!

 

I'm re-reading and make some notes trying to come up with a half-witted post about getting your ex back! I'm going back 17 years through stuff to help you guys!

 

For now?

 

You guys need to work on getting back to the "best" that you were! Before you meet the STBXW or SO!

 

Its taken getting it wrapped around my head? That where I'm at now?

 

I'm a Navy Seal/Marine Force Recon ~ and you guys are raw recruits?

 

I'm seventeen years ahead of your thinking!

 

Much like LadyJane, Lakesidedreams, DropDeadLegs, and Crudgememmon etc.

 

We've all been where many of you have been? And ~ BACK!

 

Some of us? Have been to the well more than twice or more!

 

Its a bitter-well!

Gunny, thx so much for the advice and ur intension to come up with a half-witted post. It has been such a blessing to learn the intern-personal relationship class from the masters like you and LJ et. You are absolutely right, most people invested so much time in school but never got a clue on relationship. Try and error like what i have been doing is not going to cut it, the best way to accomplish this is to learn from the source of wisdom like you and LJ who have been relationship professors in life.

[mylifewillgoon]

I wouldn't. It's okay to present yourself as a fun-loving guy... but I think it's best to let her do any chasing. Humor is one thing, seduction is another.

 

It's just like fishing, fella. Bait your hook, but don't try to reel her in 'til you're sure you've got a bite.

 

Got it! I will follow ur advice on this, LJ.

 

Another update here! I was compusive and called her sister yesterday, I couldn't help but kept on giving out specific details on what I am doing to keep myself busy, life is so good and among the worst informing her what I am thinking specifically blah blah. After hung up the phone, I realized I made a big mistake of giving out too much info & there will no longer mystery about me if her sister relays that back to my DW.

 

The only positive out of my conversation with DW's sister is I found out something interesting. I switched off my phone completely during the 1st 3 days when she requested to take a break. Apparently she has been trying to reach me during that time and also persuade her sister to drive to my house to check out our pets (probably me as well). Her sister also believes there is no OM involved at this point and my DW seemed to imply she does plan to come back.

 

Anyway, everything could change in a heartbeat. Unless i learn and master the relationship, OM can still somehow show up and steal her or my future woman from me any time. I need to make myself as so desirable so my woman will never leave me.

 

At this point I somehow hope she won't come back anytime soon 'cause I still don't have the life skill to cope with the impact if she indeed comes back. Don't know how to avoid a similar event to occur again. I have to get rid of NGS; just still don't quite get it out of my system...

[Gunny376]

JHC! Quit calling her sister! You might as well move into the Dr. Phil house with a direct hookup to her TV!

 

And your right? Even if she came a knocking today? You're not ready yet! You've got to work on you! (Or, as you should be saying it to yourself? "I need to work on me, myself and I")

 

You need to work on "balance"

 

Along with figuring out how some little light-weight gal can perfom "emotional judo" on you and flip your whole world upside down?

 

NGS?

 

Women want a man! Need A man they can depend on, lean on, be there for them? AS a result? They test you from time to time to see if your that kind of MAN? Even if they've been with you for awhile ~ they'll still test you to see if you can still hack it! Its almost a sub-conscious thing with them!

 

They'll throw come s*** your way, just to see if you can tote the note? To see how your going to react, how your going to handle it? Wheather your going to be a wimp, a pu**y about it or a jerk/azzhat about it ~ or handle it with "balance" and be a man about it.

 

Most of the time? When they do this? The best thing to do is just laugh at their silly @ss! It makes them madder than Hell ~ because they know you're onto their game!

 

Part of the reason they "test" you from time to time is because of their own insecurities about themselves, their life, or life in general. They're looking for reassurances!

 

That's part of what's going on here? She's got doubts about you. Quit worrying about her "happy" @ss and get on with living your day to day life. Put her in the back of your mind ~ and make her the last thing on your list of things to worry about.

 

Either she'll come back or not? Matters not! If she doesn't want what you've got to offer? Then there's some little gal out there that will.

 

Whatever she's got to offer you? Some other gal has just as much if not more, just as good if not better!

 

You've got it in your head that this is a one-shot deal. Its not! Its not a seller's market! There's no shortage of women. The freaking world is covered up with them!

 

If it were me? She'd be thinking I feel off the planet!

 

When you quit looking for "it" ~ it will find you! When you quit chasing after "it" ~ it will chase you!