Young wife takes a break from me

[mylifewillgoon]

JHC! Quit calling her sister! You might as well move into the Dr. Phil house with a direct hookup to her TV!

 

And your right? Even if she came a knocking today? You're not ready yet! You've got to work on you! (Or, as you should be saying it to yourself? "I need to work on me, myself and I")

 

You need to work on "balance"

 

Along with figuring out how some little light-weight gal can perfom "emotional judo" on you and flip your whole world upside down?

 

NGS?

 

Women want a man! Need A man they can depend on, lean on, be there for them? AS a result? They test you from time to time to see if your that kind of MAN? Even if they've been with you for awhile ~ they'll still test you to see if you can still hack it! Its almost a sub-conscious thing with them!

 

They'll throw come s*** your way, just to see if you can tote the note? To see how your going to react, how your going to handle it? Wheather your going to be a wimp, a pu**y about it or a jerk/azzhat about it ~ or handle it with "balance" and be a man about it.

 

Most of the time? When they do this? The best thing to do is just laugh at their silly @ss! It makes them madder than Hell ~ because they know you're onto their game!

 

Part of the reason they "test" you from time to time is because of their own insecurities about themselves, their life, or life in general. They're looking for reassurances!

 

That's part of what's going on here? She's got doubts about you. Quit worrying about her "happy" @ss and get on with living your day to day life. Put her in the back of your mind ~ and make her the last thing on your list of things to worry about.

 

Either she'll come back or not? Matters not! If she doesn't want what you've got to offer? Then there's some little gal out there that will.

 

Whatever she's got to offer you? Some other gal has just as much if not more, just as good if not better!

 

You've got it in your head that this is a one-shot deal. Its not! Its not a seller's market! There's no shortage of women. The freaking world is covered up with them!

 

If it were me? She'd be thinking I feel off the planet!

 

When you quit looking for "it" ~ it will find you! When you quit chasing after "it" ~ it will chase you!

 

Gunny, thx again 4 sharing ur incredible and insightful knowledge.

 

I felt so depressed after tallking to her sister even though she wants us to work it out. The reality is I have been pretending to be strong but actually I felt so beat up and hurt inside. Any interaction with her or her family only weakens me. I need space now to recover fully. I am switching of my cell phone so they could no longer reach you till I recover.

 

I probably have to go to NC now as this is the only way I can manage to pull myself out of such a mess. 180 is too tough for me as I still have to face her or her family occasionally but I am just not ready for it. I hope I will be as strong and wise as Gunny one day.

[Gunny376]

Hey! I'm fifty years old!

 

Retired Marine!

 

I''ve seen a lot!

 

Been through a lot!

 

Learned a lot!

 

Had some Lady Janes'!

 

Some Drop Dead Legs!

 

Some Ms. Pixies!

 

Some TooLongLegs!

 

Its been one Hell of a Ride!

 

Don't belly-ache about to me about me about Hurricane Katrina!

 

Let me tell you about "Hurricane" Elaine" and "Dawn"

 

Hell!

 

All that I've been through? At 50? I'm just glad to still be sucking air!

 

I've done good! Real good!

 

To have gone through the crap I've gone through ~ via the Marine Corps~ its all good!

[mylifewillgoon]

I decided not to turn off my cell phone 'cause others need to reach me other than DW and her family. No reason to sacrifice a good modern technology for them.

 

DW called last night. Instead of calling my first name since she dropped the bomb, she called me baby and told me she has been working hard (i.e. not seeing anyone I guess). I can tell her tone is somewhat sweeter and not as distant like before. Anyway, I won't care too much about the detail.

 

I am picking up my another old hobby which I have abandoned for years. Feel great about it!! My own life is the most important thing right now.

[OldEurope]

Gunny,

 

You need to get your own t.v. show. Let's call it: "Shooting From the Hip: The Marine Speaks". I love reading your posts...

 

And LifeWillGoOn....Everything Ol' Guns(who is certainly not "old" at 50...that is today's "40") says about a woman (particularly perhaps the "younger" ones) is true, especially with regard to "testing". Women do need reassurances, they need to feel that they are adored and have a certain control/spellbinding effect on a man and from time to time will stir up things--a little or a lot--to make that clear. I, for one, am guilty of such but I find it all necessary, a barometer of sorts.

 

The best thing a man can do to really make a woman see what she is missing; what can really make him get under her skin is to go verrrrry cool on her. To back off, play distant, a Cool Hand Luke, a lone cowboy, a man who is true to himself. Just go become reserved, back off, cool distance. It is an excellent way to see what is what and to protect yourself and your dignity.

[mylifewillgoon]

Gunny,

 

You need to get your own t.v. show. Let's call it: "Shooting From the Hip: The Marine Speaks". I love reading your posts...

 

And LifeWillGoOn....Everything Ol' Guns(who is certainly not "old" at 50...that is today's "40") says about a woman (particularly perhaps the "younger" ones) is true, especially with regard to "testing". Women do need reassurances, they need to feel that they are adored and have a certain control/spellbinding effect on a man and from time to time will stir up things--a little or a lot--to make that clear. I, for one, am guilty of such but I find it all necessary, a barometer of sorts.

 

The best thing a man can do to really make a woman see what she is missing; what can really make him get under her skin is to go verrrrry cool on her. To back off, play distant, a Cool Hand Luke, a lone cowboy, a man who is true to himself. Just go become reserved, back off, cool distance. It is an excellent way to see what is what and to protect yourself and your dignity.

 

OldEurope, thx for your great advice! Never quite get this until you point out this type of behavior is quite typical for girls. Now I recalled throughout my varioius relationships in different stages of my life, I have been consistently way too serious about debating with a girl when she became emotional and showing somewhat unreasonable. I probably should have shown more empathy and be a good listener. Because I didn't respond supportively enough when a girl is down, it bolooms into a bigger problem eventually. Guess it is never to late to understand my own shortcomings and start to work on them.

[mylifewillgoon]

DW called me last night; the 2nd time since she made the taking a break announcement. Had I not been receiving advice from you guys, I would have tried to beg her to come back. Instead, i played it cool with 180, being sweet yet maintaining distance, and not offering any heavy dosage and exposed my desparation. The truth is I don't even have to pretend as I have grown a bit since the break and started to found myself.

 

During the conversation, I let her decided the topics and tried to agree with her more and show empathy. One thing led to another, she asked me to have phone sex which we used to do occasionally when i was out of town for business travel before. In the end, she told me she missed me but I didn't tell her I missed her too and just told her "same here".

 

I decide not to keep my expectation too high but continue working on ME. Zero expectation seems to be the best policy for now; just one day at a time.

[whichwayisup]

The truth is I don't even have to pretend as I have grown a bit since the break and started to found myself.

 

This means you are using the break, the NC in a useful way for you! The NC isn't about her, it's all about you and learning how to deal with all this stuff in a better way. You're doing great!

 

Exactly, lower any expectation, expect the worst, hope for the best...That's all that you can do.

[mylifewillgoon]

This means you are using the break, the NC in a useful way for you! The NC isn't about her, it's all about you and learning how to deal with all this stuff in a better way. You're doing great!

 

Exactly, lower any expectation, expect the worst, hope for the best...That's all that you can do.

 

whichwayisup, thx so much for ur encouragement.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

[Gunny376]

NC is for you to pull back and re-group, get your head and azz wired back together ~ among many other things.

 

Its also to give her the gift "of missing you"

 

No sex, not phone sex, not actual sex, not internet sex ~ nothing, zilch, nadda.

 

Guys think that women have it easy when it comes to getting sex. That they can just run down to the local corner bar, pick some guy up, and scrogg his brains out.

 

But the truty of the matter is? Its not that easy for most women ~ because most women have to be at least mentally engaged ~ if not emotionally engaged ~ as well as physically engaged. During the actual sex itself for it to be really good sex for them? It has to be

 

Brain ~ Sex

Sex ~ Brain

Brain ~ Sex

Sex ~ brain

 

Break the connection? Its over!

 

Then there's the slut factor? Its not just a question of wheather the guy's going to respect her in the morning? Its also a question of if she's going to respect herself in the morning?

 

Then there's the saftey question?

 

Threatss of physical viloence

 

AIDS, Herpes, Warts, Hepititis, etc There are over 1000 differnet sexually transmited diseases!

 

But you the left behind spouse thnk? Hey! If I don't give in to her sex request for sex? She'll go somewhere else? Not so?

 

But in the same token? "It" doesn't come that easy! You want the candy? You've got to work for it? What are you afterall her slut? That she can come to for some form of sex whenever she feels the mood?

 

And when those occassions occurr when you do speak with her, say things like:

 

"I understand" ~ use this as much as you want! As often as you want. It really doesn't say anthing one way or the other ~ except that you're listening. Just let her ramble on and on ~ the whole while you say over and over ~ "I understand" Salesmen use this a lot to get the potential customers to open up, spill their guts with load of information they later use agains them to make the sale.

 

"How do you feel about that" ~ Again another sale technique to get them to do the bulk of the talking

 

"Why do you feel like that? ~

 

"What are you going to do about that!"

 

Your the one that's the man on the ground ~ and you're the one that knows her best here? You know what her interests are? Your the one that knows what she likes to talk about?

 

You need to give some serious thoughts about what you're going to say to her and respond to her in advance ~ because if you really think about it? Couples really have the same conversation over and over? Its called a dialog.

 

They're just having the same conversation over and over coming at it from difficult perspective.

 

You need to anticipate those conversations, and your answers.

 

Now keep in mind? ilmw and his SO are in the beginning throes of getting back together ~ slowly ~ but this has being going on for over a year or more.

 

And all along one of his basic founding stones that keeped him anchored?

 

"Hope for the best! But be prepared and expect the worse!"

[mylifewillgoon]

NC is for you to pull back and re-group, get your head and azz wired back together ~ among many other things.

 

Its also to give her the gift "of missing you"

 

No sex, not phone sex, not actual sex, not internet sex ~ nothing, zilch, nadda.

 

Guys think that women have it easy when it comes to getting sex. That they can just run down to the local corner bar, pick some guy up, and scrogg his brains out.

 

But the truty of the matter is? Its not that easy for most women ~ because most women have to be at least mentally engaged ~ if not emotionally engaged ~ as well as physically engaged. During the actual sex itself for it to be really good sex for them? It has to be

 

Brain ~ Sex

Sex ~ Brain

Brain ~ Sex

Sex ~ brain

 

Break the connection? Its over!

 

Then there's the slut factor? Its not just a question of wheather the guy's going to respect her in the morning? Its also a question of if she's going to respect herself in the morning?

 

Then there's the saftey question?

 

Threatss of physical viloence

 

AIDS, Herpes, Warts, Hepititis, etc There are over 1000 differnet sexually transmited diseases!

 

But you the left behind spouse thnk? Hey! If I don't give in to her sex request for sex? She'll go somewhere else? Not so?

 

But in the same token? "It" doesn't come that easy! You want the candy? You've got to work for it? What are you afterall her slut? That she can come to for some form of sex whenever she feels the mood?

 

And when those occassions occurr when you do speak with her, say things like:

 

"I understand" ~ use this as much as you want! As often as you want. It really doesn't say anthing one way or the other ~ except that you're listening. Just let her ramble on and on ~ the whole while you say over and over ~ "I understand" Salesmen use this a lot to get the potential customers to open up, spill their guts with load of information they later use agains them to make the sale.

 

"How do you feel about that" ~ Again another sale technique to get them to do the bulk of the talking

 

"Why do you feel like that? ~

 

"What are you going to do about that!"

 

Your the one that's the man on the ground ~ and you're the one that knows her best here? You know what her interests are? Your the one that knows what she likes to talk about?

 

You need to give some serious thoughts about what you're going to say to her and respond to her in advance ~ because if you really think about it? Couples really have the same conversation over and over? Its called a dialog.

 

They're just having the same conversation over and over coming at it from difficult perspective.

 

You need to anticipate those conversations, and your answers.

 

Now keep in mind? ilmw and his SO are in the beginning throes of getting back together ~ slowly ~ but this has being going on for over a year or more.

 

And all along one of his basic founding stones that keeped him anchored?

 

"Hope for the best! But be prepared and expect the worse!"

Gunny, once again you show me the light!! In my life, I couldn't even remember I said "I understand" to my woman once. A lot of things for me to catch up. I'll work on it.....

[Gunny376]

Don't screw it up when you say "I understand" just say it and nothing else.

 

When your talking to her, even over the phone ~ smile ~ even if you have to force yourself. Turn off the radio, the tv, move any distractions out of eyesight, earshot.

 

Give her your 100% attention. God gave us two ears and one mouth ~ that because we're suppose to listen twice as much as we speak.

 

For the most part? On your part? The less said ~ is the best said. The more you say, especially if its not well thought out? Works against you.

 

Best to stop, think, think again, and then speak. If there's any doubt? Don't say it.

 

Try to keep the conversations light, and neutral. No relationship talk, no "fixing it" talk, no whinny ~ begging ~ needy speech.

 

What you and she had? Its not going? Its gone! You'll never will get back ~ not ever. Its dead and gone! And its needed to be gone ~ you need to bury it! And the reason is? For her, for you, for the two of you ~ it wasn't working? It wasn't working ~ and on some level or on many levels? Never will!

 

So you need to pull back and re-group, figure out what changes you can make in yourself, in your life, figure out what you've got to learn ~ and that's a life-long quest!

 

You've got to scrpae any and all pre-conceived ideas that you have about being married is. You need to re-claim the best of who you were, are, and can be ~ and then you need to kick it up a notch.

 

All of this isn't to say there's not a future for you and her? Maybe ~ maybe not. One thing for sure and certain ~ going down the path you've been going there sure as Hell wasn't!

 

The pain that you're expercing is actually a good thing! Pain is actually a very good teacher and motivator!

 

Just understand the difference between ignorance and stupidity?

 

Ignorance? Is when you just didn't know any better!

 

Stupdidity? Is when you know better and do it anyway!

 

Regardless if wheather you pull this relationship back together or not? If you go into your next one ~ and do the samething that you did in this one ~ then that would stupid, now wouldn't it.

 

Keep up with the PT (Physical Training) better to get the edorphines "naturally" than through other means.

 

Stay away from depressing things. Play "Moto" (Motoivaional type music ~ burn yourself some CD's or to your MP3 ~ sports CD's are good!)

 

Go for a walk through the park, around the block, get yourself a dog if you can.

 

You need six to eight hours a day, the rest of the time? Your up and moving and getting about the place, and when your done there, your outside.

 

Find yourself with time on your hands? Volunteer. Habitat for Humanity is a really good one ~ its not just a "gimme-program" for just anyone ~ its a hand's-up program. Plus you'll learn some construction skills that will always come in handy throughout your life. Un-like a lot of so called "Help Programs" they don't spend 80% on so called "administrative expenses ~ which means the administrators are lining there pockets !)

 

Your young! You've got a lot to learn about a lot of things. You've got better things to do than to sit around on your hands wondering if the DW is coming back.

 

"Big Brothers" is another good program, so is Scouting.

[mylifewillgoon]

Don't screw it up when you say "I understand" just say it and nothing else.

 

When your talking to her, even over the phone ~ smile ~ even if you have to force yourself. Turn off the radio, the tv, move any distractions out of eyesight, earshot.

 

Give her your 100% attention. God gave us two ears and one mouth ~ that because we're suppose to listen twice as much as we speak.

 

For the most part? On your part? The less said ~ is the best said. The more you say, especially if its not well thought out? Works against you.

 

Best to stop, think, think again, and then speak. If there's any doubt? Don't say it.

 

Try to keep the conversations light, and neutral. No relationship talk, no "fixing it" talk, no whinny ~ begging ~ needy speech.

 

What you and she had? Its not going? Its gone! You'll never will get back ~ not ever. Its dead and gone! And its needed to be gone ~ you need to bury it! And the reason is? For her, for you, for the two of you ~ it wasn't working? It wasn't working ~ and on some level or on many levels? Never will!

 

So you need to pull back and re-group, figure out what changes you can make in yourself, in your life, figure out what you've got to learn ~ and that's a life-long quest!

 

You've got to scrpae any and all pre-conceived ideas that you have about being married is. You need to re-claim the best of who you were, are, and can be ~ and then you need to kick it up a notch.

 

All of this isn't to say there's not a future for you and her? Maybe ~ maybe not. One thing for sure and certain ~ going down the path you've been going there sure as Hell wasn't!

 

The pain that you're expercing is actually a good thing! Pain is actually a very good teacher and motivator!

 

Just understand the difference between ignorance and stupidity?

 

Ignorance? Is when you just didn't know any better!

 

Stupdidity? Is when you know better and do it anyway!

 

Regardless if wheather you pull this relationship back together or not? If you go into your next one ~ and do the samething that you did in this one ~ then that would stupid, now wouldn't it.

 

Keep up with the PT (Physical Training) better to get the edorphines "naturally" than through other means.

 

Stay away from depressing things. Play "Moto" (Motoivaional type music ~ burn yourself some CD's or to your MP3 ~ sports CD's are good!)

 

Go for a walk through the park, around the block, get yourself a dog if you can.

 

You need six to eight hours a day, the rest of the time? Your up and moving and getting about the place, and when your done there, your outside.

 

Find yourself with time on your hands? Volunteer. Habitat for Humanity is a really good one ~ its not just a "gimme-program" for just anyone ~ its a hand's-up program. Plus you'll learn some construction skills that will always come in handy throughout your life. Un-like a lot of so called "Help Programs" they don't spend 80% on so called "administrative expenses ~ which means the administrators are lining there pockets !)

 

Your young! You've got a lot to learn about a lot of things. You've got better things to do than to sit around on your hands wondering if the DW is coming back.

 

"Big Brothers" is another good program, so is Scouting.

Gunny, thx so much to give a broad set of advices and open my mind again. One of the best things I've learned througout the ordeal is I recognize I need to work on my own personal flaws. If I don't, I will probably end up lonely and get dumped every time by my future mate(s). I need to gain more knowledge and take actions to improve myself. If I can do so, a better relationship will eventually developed with a right person at the right time. Hopefully there is still a chance for my wife and I starting a better life together one day.

[mylifewillgoon]

Seems like my wife & i start to engage in nightly conversation before she does to bed. Since the break, it has evolved from NC to NC&180 to 180. I try to keep our conversation as light weight as possible and be very patient while working on improving myself. BTW, I keep on forgetting to say I understand as suggested by Gunny.. need to print the words on a paper and leave it by the bed so I can start to say it more often.

 

Just keep my fingers crossed & hopefully our marriage can survive.

[mylifewillgoon]

Another update here. DW called me last night and we chated for 2 hours. She was impressed with my life seems to be going great w/o her (thx for the great advices I learn from the relationship masters at LS) and she mentioned she wants to come back soon but I did not respond or press the issue. In the end of conversation, she said she loves me. I replied same here. She said it again then I told her I love you too. I recognize we just start the road for reconciliation.

 

Our case seems to be less complicated as there is no OM invovled. I still need to work on myself a little more before we can live together again and have a great life. This separation has made me become a better person and grew so much 'cause i was very ignorant before; not knowing much about the emotional side of women. Hopefully there will be a positive ending between us so I can have something to share about w/ people who need help.

[mylifewillgoon]

DW moves back today after a 17 day mini break. This might not be the end of a journey but the start. The first week is certainly a torture yet with help and encourgement of LS's members, I started to understand the importance to work on myself to become a much better man.

The moment I stop feeling sadness was the moment I was reborn and I have enjoyed every second of independence since the realization of what has been missing in my life. I also recognized it took a lot of skill to maintain a great relationship and even more to get a DW back to my life. You have to let go completely before things can turn around. Finally, patience does pay off in my case though our separation turns out to be extremely short compared with others. Of course, I am lucky due to there is no OM invovled.

 

For those who have been suffering a similar loss, you might want to revisit some of the advices given out by LJ, Gunny and others with a more positive tones. I don't think I can make it this far without their sharing of wisdom and experince. Now, I am a new person and intend to keep it this way.