New College Girlfriend and Her "Guy Friends"

[ringadingding21]

So I starting dating this girl a little over a month ago and we've transitioned into the gf/bf "status" and everything has been going really well. She has told me that guys have treated her poorly in the past and she's been cheated on before. She admitted to being rather insecure and in high school would go have sex with *******s because she didn't need to risk getting emotionally involved. She has said she's never felt a connection to someone before as she does for me, and says that she still wants to wait to have sex because of this fear of me leaving her afterwards. She claims that the emotional connection to me is the reason she is afriad to have sex too soon. She has a bunch of guy friends that live in her dorm that routinely hit on her including this frat guy (she hangs around with a lot of fraternity guys which I've warned her are only interested in having sex with her). She knows why they are friends with her and I have asked her why she stays friends with them despite their obvious interests and her excuse just seems to be that she doesn't want to offend them. There is this one guy who lives on the floor below her who comes and visits her a lot and has given her little tokens like a notecard with just his name on it and a penciled heart he drew that she has tacted onto her post-it board in her room. She'll go over to his fraternity parties and has crashed at his frat house before, telling me that she only once fell asleep on his bed but nothing happened and that I shouldn't be worried about her going to these frat parties of his because she's just friends with them, even though I'm apparently not allowed to attend them because they don't want boyfriends coming, only girls who are "friends of the fraternity". Once I was hanging out with her in her room and he came up to see her and heard I was in the room so he didn't come in, telling her roommate over the cellphone that he "didn't want to make it awkward". I don't know weither she's just trying to get me jealous or if she's getting her quick thrills from this frat guy and then using me for cuddley boyfriend comfort or whatever, but I really don't like the idea of her leading on these guy friends of hers. I don't want to seem possesive by telling her to stop hanging out with these frat *******s who just want to **** her. She knows damn well why this kid, I'll call him "Chris", comes to see her all the time, and will go and have lunch with her and invite her over to his apartment to "hang out". I really hope she just likes the attention and isn't so insecure that she feels a need to keep ****ing *******s and then turn around and use me to feel like someone is legitamitely interested in her.

 

What should I do?

[MeAndNotHer]

She has a bunch of guy friends that live in her dorm that routinely hit on her including this frat guy (she hangs around with a lot of fraternity guys which I've warned her are only interested in having sex with her). She knows why they are friends with her and I have asked her why she stays friends with them despite their obvious interests

 

how do you know what these guys are thinking? yes, guys like sex, so do girls, that doesn't mean everybody is always on the lookout every second and that every contact with another person is an attempt at getting them into bed.

 

that's pretty rude to assume that any interest in her must be sexual because she isn't worth much else. how awful of you to make her feel that way.

 

sure, tell her to stay away from the frat guys, and remind her of how she isn't worth any more to anyone than her vagina allows. and i hope she shows you the door. she's in college, she should be experimenting anyway, not tied down by some controlling relationship.

[tanbark813]

Well it's hard to tell what's going on with these guy friends from what you've posted. She may or may not be leading them on. And she may be leading you on to an extent too.

 

The party thing does sound like bullshyt though. I was in a fraternity in college and she could get you into the party if she wanted. If she's not inviting you it's because she doesn't want you there.

[ringadingding21]

how do you know what these guys are thinking? yes, guys like sex, so do girls, that doesn't mean everybody is always on the lookout every second and that every contact with another person is an attempt at getting them into bed.

 

that's pretty rude to assume that any interest in her must be sexual because she isn't worth much else. how awful of you to make her feel that way.

 

sure, tell her to stay away from the frat guys, and remind her of how she isn't worth any more to anyone than her vagina allows. and i hope she shows you the door. she's in college, she should be experimenting anyway, not tied down by some controlling relationship.

 

 

I know because of what i've heard from the people on her floor who tell me this guys been chasing her around all the time. It's perfectly normal for me to be concerned with how friendly she gets with outside love interests, and it's a bit absurd for you to assume that I would make her feel as if her vagina is all that she's worth.

[ringadingding21]

The party thing does sound like bullshyt though. I was in a fraternity in college and she could get you into the party if she wanted. If she's not inviting you it's because she doesn't want you there.

 

 

well she again claimed that she didn't want to be rude to them after they told her specifically not to bring her bf.

[MeAndNotHer]

She has a bunch of guy friends that live in her dorm that routinely hit on her including this frat guy (she hangs around with a lot of fraternity guys which I've warned her are only interested in having sex with her). She knows why they are friends with her and I have asked her why she stays friends with them despite their obvious interests and her excuse just seems to be that she doesn't want to offend them.

 

you are talking about all of them here, not just the one guy. reread your own post.

 

but my advice is to go ahead and tell her to stop hanging out with them. see what happens. my guess is you won't like what happens, but i don't think you'll be happy if stay with her and she keeps acting like a normal college student. keep in mind though, if she agrees to stop, it doesn't mean she will, because she probably believes she has every right to hang out with whoever she wants if she's not doing anything wrong.

[tanbark813]

well she again claimed that she didn't want to be rude to them after they told her specifically not to bring her bf.

 

If that's true then you should drop her just for that. That's bullshyt if she's putting them ahead of you. You really think she would be cool with you going to a party with a bunch of girls and you tell her that the girls told you not to bring her?

[MeAndNotHer]

If she's not inviting you it's because she doesn't want you there.

 

and if that's the case, who could blame her? he never even met any of them and already hates them all for trying to get into her pants. who's going to willingly bring someone like that to a party? he wouldn't have a good time, he would probably end up fighting with her, and embarrassing her in front of people at school, friends or not.

 

or maybe she doesn't want you there because she's cheating, who knows. i do agree, though, she is putting other things ahead of you, and that is a huge sign that your relationship is on the fritz, or close to it. if anyone i cared about was 'banned' from anyplace, i would be just as insulted as the unwanted party and i wouldn't take part in it either. but maybe that's just me.

[ringadingding21]

If that's true then you should drop her just for that. That's bullshyt if she's putting them ahead of you. You really think she would be cool with you going to a party with a bunch of girls and you tell her that the girls told you not to bring her?

 

I told her she would be able to get us both in if these fraternity guys were her friends and she said she'd rather not piss them off, so us and this other couple we're friends with (in which the girl's boyfriend was also exluded from the invitation) went out to some other party instead. I just wish she could be at least a little skeptical of these fraternity dudes' interest in her knowing that they don't want any "male competition" attending their events

[Cobra_X30]

how do you know what these guys are thinking? yes, guys like sex, so do girls, that doesn't mean everybody is always on the lookout every second and that every contact with another person is an attempt at getting them into bed.

 

I'd say that point of view is pretty niave!

 

Have you been to college? Do you know what the frats are like?

 

It comes down to this. She makes him feel like he is getting used. That isnt fair or right. So, if anything.... he needs to show her the door.

[MeAndNotHer]

I'd say that point of view is pretty niave!

 

Have you been to college? Do you know what the frats are like?

 

It comes down to this. She makes him feel like he is getting used. That isnt fair or right. So, if anything.... he needs to show her the door.

 

yes i have been to college. i was also in a sorority. :)i am also a human being, and so i can believe not every single one of these guys is trying to screw this girl. it doesn't mean that one isn't, it doesn't mean that 5 aren't. but all of them? he shouldn't make her feel that way. that's a controlling person's way of thinking, that everyone who isn't you is a constant threat.

 

the second part of what you said, i agree with, as i stated in other posts. i don't think they sound very compatible at this time, so in my opinion, they should end it. being in college is not an easy time to cultivate a relationship, and it seems she's already slipping away, and he's not helping by pushing her. it shouldn't matter whether 1 guy or 100 are trying to get with her, his problem is with her and her alone...and she's not making him feel secure by HER actions.

[Cobra_X30]

I told her she would be able to get us both in if these fraternity guys were her friends and she said she'd rather not piss them off, so us and this other couple we're friends with (in which the girl's boyfriend was also exluded from the invitation) went out to some other party instead. I just wish she could be at least a little skeptical of these fraternity dudes' interest in her knowing that they don't want any "male competition" attending their events

 

Everything you say about this girl has crazy ho written all over it!

 

Why does she want to party without you? Why does she seem to need vast amounts of male attention? Why does she feel like she has to please other guys at the expense of your feelings?

 

I'd bet you money she has family problems!

[spookie]

I'm with MeAndNotHer on this one. Just because this girl hangs around other guys doesn't mean she's cheating. And just because she has male friends doesn't mean all of them are just waiting around for her to slip up and screw them.

 

Do you think she's cheating on you? Why?

 

Other posters brought up that she's doing things at the expense of this guy's feelings etc... but they've only known each other for one month, which isn't really long enough for someone to change their lifestyle around because the other person views everyone else as competition. You're both in college and it's normal to be social, to hang around different kind of people and have experiences. I don't think it means a monogamous relationship is impossible, but you're going to have to trust that SHE has boundaries. And if you don't trust in that, why be with her? You can only control someone so much... the rest is up to them. Control is not how you get someone to be faithful to you.

 

That said... it doesn't sound like you're compatible. You want more commitment than she does in terms of what is and isn't ok... and that's fine. But I don't think she's the girl for it.

 

And regarding the frat parties... I'm not that familiar with the Greek system, but from what I know at my Univ. the frats do tend not to allow other guys. And she's only been dating you for a month, and it's college.... I think it's unreasonable to expect her not to go to parties unless he is there just because he doesn't trust her not to screw everyone as soon as she's out of his sight.

[Cobra_X30]

yes i have been to college. i was also in a sorority. :)i am also a human being, and so i can believe not every single one of these guys is trying to screw this girl. it doesn't mean that one isn't, it doesn't mean that 5 aren't. but all of them? he shouldn't make her feel that way. that's a controlling person's way of thinking, that everyone who isn't you is a constant threat.

 

the second part of what you said, i agree with, as i stated in other posts. i don't think they sound very compatible at this time, so in my opinion, they should end it. being in college is not an easy time to cultivate a relationship, and it seems she's already slipping away, and he's not helping by pushing her. it shouldn't matter whether 1 guy or 100 are trying to get with her, his problem is with her and her alone...and she's not making him feel secure by HER actions.

 

See it tells me something when this guy is trying to get with her and knows she has a boyfriend. It tells me that she is providing him encouragment to do so... or at the very least she is failing to discourage him. It doesnt take every single guy trying to score with her... it just takes one! Thats the point.

 

You object to him telling his GF not to be niave about some guys intentions? Personally I wouldnt do things the way he is either... I'd pretty much just treat her like a potential booty call. Thats how she wants to be treated right?

 

When I was in college I used to party with the frat boys every once in a while, so I have a pretty good idea what the parties are like.

[tanbark813]

I'm not that familiar with the Greek system, but from what I know at my Univ. the frats do tend not to allow other guys.

 

It might vary among different campuses but at all the fraternity parties where I went guys could get into fraternity parties if:

 

1. They were a member of another fraternity on campus.

2. They showed up with a girl.

 

A random guy by himself probably wouldn't be able to get in but the OP's gf could get the guy in if she wanted, especially since she's friends with one of the brothers.

[MeAndNotHer]

 

You object to him telling his GF not to be niave about some guys intentions? Personally I wouldnt do things the way he is either... I'd pretty much just treat her like a potential booty call. Thats how she wants to be treated right?

 

When I was in college I used to party with the frat boys every once in a while, so I have a pretty good idea what the parties are like.

 

yeah, i have a great idea what those parties were like, because i co-hosted many of them. but that doesn't mean he can make assumptions. and it wasn't SOME guys, it was all the guys. maybe this one guy is after her, but he tells her none of her guy friends really want to be her friend, they just want her goodies. that's wrong to tell someone you love.

 

anyway, his problem is with her. the number of guys trying to get into her pants shouldn't matter. he doesn't trust her, she's in college and hanging out and not too worried about his feelings, and they've been "together" a month.

 

doesn't sound like it's going to work out. but the reason is not because every male on the planet wants to do her; it's about her reciprocating, if she is, and leaving him out. that is wrong.

[Cobra_X30]

yeah, i have a great idea what those parties were like, because i co-hosted many of them. but that doesn't mean he can make assumptions. and it wasn't SOME guys, it was all the guys. maybe this one guy is after her, but he tells her none of her guy friends really want to be her friend, they just want her goodies. that's wrong to tell someone you love.

 

anyway, his problem is with her. the number of guys trying to get into her pants shouldn't matter. he doesn't trust her, she's in college and hanging out and not too worried about his feelings, and they've been "together" a month.

 

doesn't sound like it's going to work out. but the reason is not because every male on the planet wants to do her; it's about her reciprocating, and leaving him out.

 

I was an athlete, so most of the parties I went to were in the sports clique. It was so funny to hit the frat parties... because the environment was so different. It was like the whole point of the party was to hook up. I remember one dance was called "go down or go home".

 

So, my overall view of girls who let guys view them as sex objects is pretty dim. I dont think its healthy... and I dont think it's a particular disservice to point this out. Like I said... it really doesnt matter if its one guy or ten.

 

Your point about reciprocation is right on! He is acting in a manner that befits a committed relationship, and she is not. Which is why if the continue to date that I would suggest he not invest alot in her emotionally and spend more time looking for other girls!

 

Honestly, I dont care if its one month or one day or ten years... once you decide to be exclusive... you need to act like it.

[squeak]

 

Honestly, I dont care if its one month or one day or ten years... once you decide to be exclusive... you need to act like it.

 

So true! Also-my opinion on trust is that you only trust someone who consistently gives reason to be trusted.

 

Or...to put it another way, her idea of values and compatability are very different from yours, therefore trust will always be an issue since she thinks it is okay to go without you, as you were not invited and she is actually defending that, and then wants you to trust her.

 

Correct response: Well I would have liked to have went but I won't since I can't bring you. Perhaps next time I can bring you we should both go!Personally, I would not want to attend any event that banned any SO's from attending. That reeks of indecency!

 

Putting that dude's little hearty notes up is kind of disrespectful too. Your core values of what is permissible are different, the situation may change but this story will stay the same....can you deal with that?

[ringadingding21]

i hope so. i care about her very much, I'd like to see this work.

[Cobra_X30]

i hope so. i care about her very much, I'd like to see this work.

 

Well then then what do you plan to do about the situation?