Lack of sex, should I be concerned?

[Doody&Boo]

A brief rundown - my H had an affair with my best friend, went on for about 10 months. We decided to work things out and got back together August 2006 (we've been married for 13 yrs). Immediately I got pregnant with our first child and things seemed to be heading in the right direction. Of course while I was PG there was very little action, he said it "creeped" him out because of the baby - I understand some men have this problem and some don't, ok. But now here's my problem, I gave birth (c-section) in May 2007 and still to this day we have had no sex! I have brought it up to him several times and he gets defensive and tells me that I just need to leave it alone and "it will happen when it happens". He tells me that he can't explain why he desire has decreased after the baby but that it just has. I'm having a bit of a hard time with this, 10-23 will be 1 year with NO sex-not that I need it daily but a little more often than this. We always had a nice sexual relationship until his affair and I got pregnant. What are your thoughts? Is this deeper than what he is telling me? Is it possible he no longer has these feelings for me and wants to be with her? There is no asking him this because it starts a fight, no going to a marriage counselor he refuses (we did go in the beginning when I discovered the affair and once he heard the counselor say the name of one of his best friends (which happens to be a divorce attorney in town) and he felt as if he was getting nothing out of being there) he will not return to one for ANY reason.

 

Please give me your thoughts, advice, opinions - anything will be helpful.

[annieo]

I think this a bit strange, although I have heard about men (usually raised in cultures/families that have the madonna/whore idea about women) that see their wives as mothers (therefore pure, exalted, not to be defiled) after they have kids...

Could this be your h?

My experience of pg/motherhood (my kids are 10 and 13) was not the same. I was as randy as a sailor on a three day leave when I was pregnant (especially months 4 - 7 of the pregnancy) and my husband (happily) complied (or enjoyed it. Probably a bit of both). After the babies were born, I let my body heal up for about 4 to 6 weeks, then gave myself a test drive and seeing that all was in working order, my h and I resumed our sex life (albeit tenatively at first, and exhaustation did play a role).

It's too bad he's being so defensive. Probably due to lingering guilt. But keep on asking, you have a right to know why he's so standoffish.

[DazedandConfused66]

As a man, I have to blunt here.

 

If your husband had an affair and won't show the requisite remorse and humility of going to a marriage counselor, he's not treating you fairly. The fact that he won't have sex with you at this point, even WITH the stress that a newborn brings to the relationship, tells me he's a selfish individual and really doesn't want to "deal" with the pain that he's caused you.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd insist on MC. Period.

[nicole_m]

Sweety,As a women I will be the first one to tell you that if i was you i would leave him, If he cant accept and understand that your a women and you have needs to then its not worth trying. In my own apion i would say he is still ahving an affair and i would check into it.

[Mr. Lucky]

There is no asking him this because it starts a fight, no going to a marriage counselor he refuses (we did go in the beginning when I discovered the affair and once he heard the counselor say the name of one of his best friends (which happens to be a divorce attorney in town) and he felt as if he was getting nothing out of being there) he will not return to one for ANY reason.

 

Please give me your thoughts, advice, opinions - anything will be helpful.

Does he dictate the terms of everything in your marriage or just the portion covering infidelity? As most here will tell you, his lack of remorse is a telling sign that he doesn't feel that his conduct was wrong. If so, what stops him from doing it again? Add in the no sex and he doesn't seem very committed to you or your marriage. You may have to plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Doody&Boo]

Thanks to all for your input. One thing that I have said to him several times is that he has never apologized for havinn an affair - I have gotten "I know what I did was wrong and i can't tell you why I did it but I am through with______'". That's his apology, although we all know apologies are hard to give and I would imagine this would be a very difficult one. It seems that something comes up on a daily basis and I get pegged for "starting $#1&" because I do bring it up. I KNOW that I need to leave the past in the past and move forward since we've decided to work it out but here is where I have a bit of a problem. He thinks that NOTHING should be brought up and he might be right but he needs to at least give me the respect and tell me EVERYTHING so that I can work towards that. I found out something just this past weekend that he lied about 11 months ago - we fought all day about it. i should of left it alone and not said anything but you know again, I was only looking for an "I did what i thought was right at the time and i apologize for doing that" kinda thing. I HATE this, I truly want things to work between us. With little things like that popping up and top it off with no sex i will admit I probably am a bear to live with. I would think he would be going out of his way to try to get us past this but maybe I'm just not seeing his side of things. Yes, the past needs to stay there but I am a woman and we NEED to know things (although they may hurt at the time we still need this) and when a lie pops up from 11 months ago it kinda stings a wee bit more than the truth would of back then. The lie was not a MAJOR one but it was still a lie and it was after the fact that he told me that he was going to be open and honest about the affair with me. PLEASE don't get the wrong idea here - he TRULY is a wonderful person, he made a mistake - a serious mistake - and we all make them. I am not here to have everyone pass judgement on him and his actions, they were wrong and I know this. It's always easy to say things like "your crazy, you need to leave him" or "what are you doing, you have no self respect".............til you've been there. Just looking for some opinions, input.

Thanks

[4whatItsWorth]

he TRULY is a wonderful person, he made a mistake - a serious mistake - and we all make them.

 

Girl...a TRULY wonderful man don't cheat on you with your best friend.

 

Cheating is NO mistake...it's an active choice.

 

YOU'RE the one who deserves an apology - not to defend him for what he did to you.

 

I agree with some of the others...there are many red flags here. Please consider the future without him in it..he does not sound committed to fix your marriage which means he might look for another way out when he finds one - not apologizing or showing remorse for an affair is NOT taking healing steps in the relationship. To move on from an affair - he MUST acknowledge the hurt and pain he's caused you and truly be sorry for it.

[DazedandConfused66]

I suspect that if his behavior ABOUT the affair doesn't bother you, then you must not really be that concerned about the affair itself either. So it's hard for me to comprehend how you can be disturbed about the lack of sex for that matter also. This is just part of his pattern....his needs are more important than yours, he doesn't feel a need to explain his lies and deceit and disrespectful attitude towards you and his needs don't involve having sex with you. They involve, instead, having sex with women outside of your marriage bed. At least they DID, right? I mean no way would he ever do that again...it's highly logical that a male just isn't interested in any sex whatsoever anymore, and since he's not having it with you he's just suddenly decided celibacy is a good life choice.

 

The fact that you appear to accept his behavior as an "oopsie" is your choice, just as his choice to not have sex with you is his. I'm all for forgivness in a marriage that has suffered from an affair. But forgiveness and cavalier attitudes are completely different animals. Everyone's relationship is different, perhaps you two are swingers or maybe you just feel it's ok that he enjoys sex with other women more than with you. I don't know what to tell you because I'm not in your relationship. And with his attitude, I wouldn't be.

 

I think you'd better get used to not having sex with him. That's your best option in this scenario. There is no intimacy between the two of you from what I'm reading and he can't be bothered with trying to build any with you. Likewise, you seem complacent that the past is the past, lies and all, and he's still a good guy in spite of the fact that he's not interested in you. Soooooo.....good luck with that. Not sure there's anything to suggest.

[Doody&Boo]

4whatItsWorth, I agree with you - he should of NEVER cheated and especially with my best friend. However, isn't everything we do an an "active choice"??? Yes, he actively cheated and it was WRONG. I cannot and will not go through life carrying anger and hate in my heart for this, I have accepted him back into my life. Thank you for your input and concern.

 

DazedandConfused66 - according to your last sentence of "not sure there's anything to suggest" if that's how you feel why did you post??? To be a smart@$$ about my situation??? His behavior not bother me??? Are you kidding me??? Do tell how you got that his behavior does not bother me because I can't find in my posts where I said "I'm ok with the affair I just want to know why we aren't bumping uglies". You can't find anything like that because I NEVER said anything like that. Yes, he cheated on me but I certainly do NOT look at that as an "oopsie" and as for your comment about swingers - get real! The way you made it sound he has had sex with multiple women while married to me, I can tell you this is NOT true. Trust me, I would know - I found out about the affair I would certainly know if anything else happened along those lines. Again, where did you get that I'm "ok" with him having sex with other women??? As far as you not being in a relationship with me - THANK YOU because you seem like you're a real Jack@$$.

[Kasan]

I don't understand why you are letting your husband off the hook here Doody & Boo. He cheated on you and he won't do the work necessary to build trust.

 

Why do you put up with this? You have the right to know everything about the affair!!!! He made the choice to cheat!!!!

 

Yes, I think you should be concerned...he is withholding sex. Are you sure that the affair is over?

 

Where did you get the idea that you deserved to be treated like this????

 

This just isn't right.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry, but Dazed isn't the only one who's wondering why you put up with poor treatment. Inaction becomes authorization at a certain point. The guy treats you like a jumped-up roommate because you keep letting him. And if you're not willing to stand up for yourself, that dynamic is NOT likely to change.

 

I too am wondering why he appears to have decided that celibacy is the answer. That doesn't sound logical to me. And if I had to hazard a guess... I'd say he's still playing, probably with the same OW as before. Oftentimes, cheaters cool it for awhile after they're busted.. then take up right where they left off, albeit more careful to hide their tracks the second time around. How can you be so sure he's not?

[Doody&Boo]

Oh Trust me, I am NOT letting him off the hook. Very seldom does a day go by that something doesn't come up - here is where a problem starts. Yes, it starts an argument and then things get yucky between us. He said that because we argue a little too much (certainly more than we ever did before the affair) that that kills his desire to have sex. Leaving things in the past is what should be done but let me tell you that is much harder than you can imagine (unless of course you have been there). So I do tend to say things that I shouldn't but ALOT of my frustration comes from the fact that we have not been together in awhile. So his "decision" that celibacy is the answer is because after arguing all day the last thing he wants to do is have sex with me - this is the answer I have been given from him. Yes I am postive the affair is over, we are ALWAYS together. We were separated for a couple of months and he stayed with a friend so at that time he was with her. He doesn't leave his office like he did when it was going on and he picks me up for lunch everyday. In the past there was time for him to have an affair now there truly is not, I know exactly where he is at all times unlike before.

[Kasan]

How does he expect you to even start the process of forgiving (is this what you want) if he can't tell you what you need to hear?

 

I am sure that he doesn't want to answer you because he feels remorse, but you need to make him understand that you need to know why!

 

What is this "So I do tend to say things that I shouldn't but ALOT of my frustration comes from the fact that we have not been together in awhile". IMO, quite frankly my dear, he is lucky that you are still home. Stop being a doormat!

 

I would not be leaving things in the past....fess up buddy and tell me what I want or hit the road!

 

I am sorry I don't know what else to say!

[PandorasBox]

we are ALWAYS together.

 

Yet so alone in your marriage. He either needs to talk to you about things and wants to work on things on he doesn't. If he chooses not to, then the ball is in your court to make the final step. Stay, and let things continue on the way they are, or get out of the situation.

[Italiana]

I know this must be really really hard for you and the affair is probably on your mind ALL THE TIME

It seems to me the only way to work through this is to go to counseling... i know you said your husband won't go... but it will be hard for you to move on unless you work through some of these issues. actually i think it would be a great idea if you go to counseling by yourself.

Your husband is probably right when he says that he looses his desire for sex because of the fighting.

The decison to stay and work it out will take two... you and your husband to both compromise.

It a hard to know what to do after an an affair.

 

You have made the decision to stay with him and work it out... are you sure this is one you can live with? you need to figure out your expectations from him because ultimatly the intimacy between the two of you will start by you being close again as a couple and as friends... it's hard to be friends with someone when you have so much anger and resentment towards him.

believe me i dont blame you... i would not stay because i would never forgive and trust again. you are a strong woman to decide to stay with him and work it out.

in my opinion the only way it will work is if you truly truly forgive him and do move on... it will take a lot of time and soul searching and cooperation and understanding from him and you... otherwise i'm afraid your anger and resentment will grow

good luck and love

[JackJack]

Ok, so he cheats, you get back together, you have a child, there is no sex, he tells you "it will happen when it happens" he wont go to counseling and wont work with you on the marriage?

 

Here is my advice on the matter. You go to cousneling for yourself. You probably need a professional to help you sort this all out better. Do you work? I'm sorry if it has been mentioned, I did not read all the replies. If you do, save up some money and do what you know in your heart you may need to do. You deserve better.

[DazedandConfused66]

OK Doody, let me take a different approach.

 

Your husband and you appear to have a serious communication problem. You can't communicate effectively with him about your feelings, and he can't communicate effectively with you about his behaviors that has LED to your current communication issues. You aren't able to attain emotional intimacy because of arguments, etc. He can't engage you in discussions about his past behaviors because he believes the past is past. You don't want to be angry all your life so you've chosen to forgive him without requiring explanations, etc....but you want sexual intimacy with him now.

 

Do I have the above correct?

 

Well guess what Marriage Counseling is all about. Learning to communicate effectively in the relationship. Learning to establish emotional intimacy which, for most people, leads to sexual intimacy unless you are just shacking up for one-nighters.

 

But he won't participate in MC with you and you won't demand it or can't enforce it.

 

Soooooo....

 

No, sorry. I don't have a solution to suggest OTHER than MC, which appears to not be an option for you. MC is your solution to addressing your communication issues and likely your ONLY solution for this. I guess there have been couples who went thru an affair, but I've yet to meet anyone who had the marriage survive and PROSPER afterwards without MC and/or effective communication skills.

 

Personally, I think you have your answer, don't like it because he won't cooperate with it, and are banging your head against a wall in sexual frustration unless you get to a MC. But...good luck. Sorry you don't like what you are hearing.

[Doody&Boo]

Kasan - thank you for talking to me. I will admit I was willing to do whatever it took to make things work, in your words I guess I was a doormat but I am not there anymore. I KNOW I did nothing wrong as far as the affair goes - I know I changed over the years but I also know I didn't make him do this, he was a big boy that made that decision. When I said that I tend to say things I tend to make snide comments sometimes and toss a few jabs around which of course gets things going. In the beginning when we decided to make a go of it he sat me down and said he was no longer going to lie to me and for me to ask him any questions and he would answer them. I asked a few (women, we need to know things even if we don't really want to hear it we secretly do want to) and he asnwered them. I do understand that we are 14 months into us "working it out" so me asking questions at this point isn't real well accepted. Sometimes I can't help it because I start to remember and then feel the need to ask - mistake. I agree with you, he is LUCKY I am still home and willing to try because not many people would. There has been 2 times in the past 14 months that I have told him that I was making an appointment with an attorney and filing for a divorce and he let things go for a few hours and then called me up and apologized and said that he doesn't want us to end, he just wants us to get past this and get back to the way we were. So I do believe he truly wants things to work out because he could let me walk away, file and go our separate ways but he has stopped me twice. We are both STUBBORN and very hard-headed, when we get going on something it's on! I think you are right about his feeling remorse, I do believe he feels it and feels horrible for putting me through the hell he did and the easiest thing for HIM is to not mention it and move forward. Selfish isn't it but I may be the same way had I done what he did, I may not want to hear it outloud and have it brought up often - I don't know just guessing how I might be in that kind of situation. AGAIN, not excusing him and his actions just trying to get inside his brain. I'm just confused about the sex thing. I'd like a little action to be honest with you.

[JackJack]

I'd like a little action to be honest with you.

 

Have you tried intiating things with him? Does he turn you down? How about a nice candlelit dinner? Make it romantic. Do you think that would help get him in the mood?

[Kasan]

Sweetie--

 

Sex is not going to solve your problems. I read LJ's and DazedandConfused posts and I go bingo! They are giving you the best advice here.

 

I am the queen of sarcasm but that doesn't give my husband the right to go cheat on me. Communication is tough in a marriage. My husband tells everyone how great we communicate and I say yeah right--it's easy to communicate when things are going well.

 

Things are not going well with you and your husband--communication is your main problem. And let's be fair here, does he really have that much say in how this is going to get resolved? Looks like to me that you are controlling this. Get ye self off to counseling!

 

I think that you need to set some boundaries with your husband. The counselor will help with this.

 

The sex will take care of itself.

[Doody&Boo]

"Sorry you don't like what you are hearing."

 

I have NO problem with what I'm hearing, I would of never posted here if I didn't want to hear input. I do have a problem with you being a smart@$$ and throwing "perhaps you two are swingers" and "the affair doesn't bother you". That is insane. Did you read my first post??? We HAVE been to counseling and got nothing out of it. It's possible the counselor was not very good and we should see another one but this is going to be something I have to work on with him, getting him back into counseling. He got a bad taste in his mouth the first time around. But thanks for your input.

[DazedandConfused66]

Doody, I wasn't attempting to be a smarta$$. I did read your post. I just couldn't for the life of me comprehend how you aren't DEMANDING that he attend MC with you, DEMANDING that he explain his actions and DEMANDING that he demonstrate a committment to you and the relationship. Your behavior is very similar to the "very liberated" mindsets I've encountered out there, swingers included. If that was your mindset, I'd kinda understand your position a bit better. But you've made it clear that it's NOT you mindset and yet you still aren't behaving like a woman who's husband was out porking her best friend. I don't know if I should say "bravo" or "OMG" here.

 

Regardless, you went to a SINGLE MC session and he basically said "Nope, I said I'm sorry, that's all you are getting...oh and sex is off the menu also now" and so you now believe MC isn't going to help? How is it that you rationalize that his answer is OK here? It's not, and you and I both know this.

 

I'm only trying to tell you that MC _IS_ your answer here, at least until/unless the two of you learn to communicate as committed partners in the relationship. For many couples, that's impossible WITHOUT MC. There are some who are mature enough to get there without it, but then again, these are typically the couples that do NOT go thru extra marital affairs as well. He got a bad taste in his mouth? Why is that? Could it possibly be because he doesn't want to face his actions? Do you know why he cheated? Do you know why he made that choice? Do you know why he's making the choice to not have sex with you now? Do you know why you are sniping at him? Do you know why you are desperate and seeking help on this forum? It's because of lack of inter-personal communication skills with one another. And that skill comes natural for some, but it's rare. Even healthy marriages often benefit from MC.

 

It's kind of like saying MC is your "Do not pass GO" marker. I'd love to see some sound advice from someone who offers you a logical alternative. But I'm just incapable of seeing it from here. That's why I'm "DazedandConfused" because I guess I'm clueless here.

[Doody&Boo]

Ok, I apologize for getting as upset as I did but I didn't care for those comments. You're all right - he's f/n JERK for doing what he did and it is NOT alright in ANY form! We went to about 4 appointments together and I did some solo. We were going right BEFORE he actually started the sexual relationship with her, we went through a very horrible time for about 10 months. I found out about the affair pretty close to the beginning because I had that "feeling" so we tried the counseling way back when. I do agree with EVERYONE here that seems to think we need counseling please do NOT think I don't. What if I started going for myself and then later down the road mentioned it again to him? How many out there think this is a good idea or would even make a difference? I have NEVER had anything in this world remotely made me feel the way this affair has made me feel, this is all a new experience for me and one that I wish I would of never had to have and I certainly do NOT wish it on anyone. I got tagged pretty hard by the two people that should of NEVER hurt me - it happened and it sucks. I have very, very bad days sometimes and it's because I am having a hard time TOTALLY forgiving - I want to SO bad and am really trying but there are times when I just have to throw a dart. So wrong and I know it but I do it anyway. I know this probably sounds sick but when he was having the affair he had no problem having sex with me at that time but now he does. ??? I have not tried to initiate things because I was trying WAAAAAAAY too hard in the beginning (meaning the beginning of his affair and us trying to fix things) to make things work that I did initiate all the time. He told me that I didn't need to try so hard that when I do it freaks him out that I just needed to be myself. So, me bing stubborn and hard-headed I have not (and took the attitude of am not) tired. Maybe I should again, I don't know. I don't know much anymore - this whole thing just sends my head spinning nearly on a daily basis.

[Kasan]

on the way home.

 

You and your husband had some disconnect in your marriage I am guessing or he wouldn't have gone outside of the marriage.

 

You two are stuck....you with your anger, resentment and him with remorse? I am sure that you are tired of the images in your head and need the answers from him. He betrayed a trust. He needs to understand that he "earns" that trust back from you.

 

He wants to push it aside and move forward. I am sure that it is hard for him to see in all this pain.

 

Unfortunately, you don't have the tools necessary to move forward. Round and round you go, you question, he withdraws.

 

The counselor can give you the tools to move forward. I would consider returning to counseling myself.

 

You are a very strong woman that I admire for sticking with your husband. I would not be so strong. Cheating for me would be a deal breaker.

 

Some marriages survive affairs others don't--but what the both of you have been doing hasn't been working very well, so why not try something different??? In addition there are books out there. One book that has been mentioned a lot is After the Affair. I am sure that you can Google it.

 

Good luck!!

[Doody&Boo]

Kasan you nailed it! That is EXACTLY what has been going on and as good as I tell myself I am I am not. I do indeed question and comment and you are correct it DOES cause him to withdraw. This truly is the toughest thing I've ever been faced with and I sure hope it works with us because I DO love him.