Finally wrote THE letter. What do you think?

[niceguy27]

Its going to go on a shelf somewhere in a closet. When I get back to myself Ill have a little seance and burn it. It does feel very good to write it down but you guys are right. She knows where I stand already. I dont need some drawn out letter to convey myself to her. (Self affirmation working here)

 

I did spend a lot of time thinking this through. I wrote and re wrote it a couple of times. And this is after being apart from her for a month or so already. I look back at some of the other things I had written down (to myself) a while back and those are bad! I think this one is a little more well thought out. Im going to sit on it for a while. I wasnt planning on mailing it out to her right away. Ive learned that I cant let my emotions control me. So with stuff like this I do give it some time and thought before I do anything with it.

 

Plus I get to hear everyones opinions too who have done similiar things!

[Soulrelo]

You guys/gals are awesome. I've been on this site bopping around to different postings reading other folks' trials and tribulations and it is so therapuetic for me. Better than paying a shrink. Hang in there NiceGuy. You've got some good friends on this site who have been through exactly what you're going through, including myself. I've noticed that whining to family and friends about my ex has gotten me nowhere and made me look like a big wuss. No more. Thanks all!

[funkybassplayer]

The only thing worth sending to an ex is to thank her for the good times, anything needy or putting blame on yourself will not help you. You want her to do a turnaround, but the fact that what you wrote in the letter ( and i never read most of it) is saying how much you failed. Well you never failed, you just have issues that you need to work on. If you send anything, just thank her, and say you did your best, and thats it. But i suspect that for you, you may need time out before you do anything, and then look at the letter again and see what you think.

 

But i still stand by what i said, there comes a time when you may want to send your thoughts, and you wont care weather the ex thinks your waiting for her, or whatever, cos if you get to that stage, it will be done from the heart, and with your best intentions, and she will know this.

[Double D]

Its a toughie.

 

Like most others Ive sent 'the letter' and in hindsight if I had found this website before I sent it, I most probably would not have.

 

Saying that I have my regrets in sending it but overall I was in the state funkybassplayer was talking about. I wanted to express my feelings about her and the relationship and sure at the time maybe I wanted us to get back together.

 

Looking back at it now yeah I shake my head as I cant believe I wrote such BS but that is what I was feeling at the time and make no apologises for it.

 

What im saying is look deep down into yourself. If you feel this letter needs to be sent to help you and your ex in one way of another send it. There is no shame in admitting your failures and success. If she doesnt respond then thats her problem. You did your bit and then you can start looking forward.

 

Keep us updated! Wish you well.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy, you are the man; great advice! I cannot believe I didn't find this website months ago. Would have saved a lot of pain, misery, "wondering", etc . . . I just went and DELETED the whining email draft I had written & edited 50 times to my ex. Made me feel like a wuss reading the drivel. Ugh.

 

Thanks, but most of the advice I have given (other than the "door mat" stuff) has been learned right here on LS.

 

Keep reading. This is good therapy

[funkybassplayer]

Things can be sent to an ex, but it must be done in a non needy way. Anything needy will not get to where you want the message to get to, but its a catch 22, cos to do that, you must be in a positon where you truly know you are letting go, and anything you send will be for your own healing and your ex's as well. One of the strongest and best things that can be said are thank you for the times, and not much more, and perhaps how much you enjoyed her as a person. To give love can never be wrong, but to be needy will make you feel quite low, if you are waiting for a reponce. You know your ex, and im sure that most of us here would like to say somethihg to them, and nothing about ourselves, but the act in doing that, being not needy, is being a very strong person, who has the decency to let their ex know that throughout all the bad stuff, they were very much loved, and very much cared for. She can never think bad or weak of you for doing that, and whatever she thinks, you did it for you. And one more thing, when you are ready to send a letter, you will not need to come here and ask what we think, you will know its the right time.

[Soulrelo]

Caliguy: Been reading others angst, pain (between trying to actually work) and it is very good therapy. I suppose when one is totally miserable they tend to think it's only them and no one else. This site proves differently and it's refreshing to see different stories, opinions and viewpoints; makes everything seem a little clearer and I can definitely relate. I can especially tell the folks that are strong vs the one's that need a nudge. I was saving over a year's worth of emails back & forth between my girl and just deleted all of them. This site was the nudge I needed; not that I still won't think of her, hoping she'll call, or text, or email . . . . but at least it's a step in the right direction. Thx bro.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy: Been reading others angst, pain (between trying to actually work) and it is very good therapy. I suppose when one is totally miserable they tend to think it's only them and no one else. This site proves differently and it's refreshing to see different stories, opinions and viewpoints; makes everything seem a little clearer and I can definitely relate. I can especially tell the folks that are strong vs the one's that need a nudge. I was saving over a year's worth of emails back & forth between my girl and just deleted all of them. This site was the nudge I needed; not that I still won't think of her, hoping she'll call, or text, or email . . . . but at least it's a step in the right direction. Thx bro.

 

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. That book alone was the catalyst that got me to see that I am valuable and don't need anyone's approval. It helped my dating/personal/business life - across the board.

 

If someone can walk away from you, LET THEM! All that means is they're out of the way and the RIGHT person will have the door open for them to come into your life.

[Spinderella]

Niceguy,

I didnt read all of the responses, and actually I didnt read all of the letter either, so excuse if its already been covered or resolved.

Dont send the letter AND move on. The letter sounds to me as though you want to prove something to her, and even if you dont think you want a response now, you would do.

I had a bit of a "Do I?" "Dont I?" battle recently. Different reasons, no difference. Where does it end? It ends where you end it. You may aswell do it now, and face it.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

personally, if you sent me this letter, i would have stopped reading with this first paragraph:

 

Let me ask you something? Do you still smile when you think about me? Do you feel comfortable and at ease when you think back to us? Do you ever compare me with others when you’re out? Do you think back to all the good times we had together? Do you wish that things could just be back to normal without the pressures? I sure do. And I bet anything that you do too. Why do we still think that? Because you and I shared something that most people will never have. If we’re mad, we are mad. If we’re stressed out, we don’t have to put on some stupid fake smile for each other. We were able to just be ourselves. Completely and wholly be ourselves. We got along great and we made each other into better people. We made a great team you and me. Do you remember that letter I wrote a few months back? It talked about the ways you made me smile. If you read that letter again and switch it around, I can almost guarantee that you still feel the exact same way. Your feelings may be hidden but they are not gone.

those two lines would tick me off, just knowing that you didn't really get it, because there you are, assuming you're in my head and knowing what i think. inside i would be screaming "no i don't! and no you can't, and yes they are gone!"i think this screams of neediness, and all it serves is for you to get your feelings out. what you need to realize is your feelings are no longer her problem. keep them to yourself, move on in a healthy way, and you won't even care what she thinks anymore.

 

then you'll never have say to yourself "i wish i never sent that sappy letter, all it did was give her more of myself even after i thought she took all i had."

 

move on.

[Soulrelo]

Caliguy: Thanks for the suggestion on the book, I will look into it.

Spinderella & Kenzie: Go easy on NiceGuy. The heart feels what the heart feels. He gotten some good advice on this site, as have I. It just takes time to digest it all. We, or at least I, still go to bed each night wondering "what-if" and takes time for the wounds to heal.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Caliguy: Thanks for the suggestion on the book, I will look into it.

Spinderella & Kenzie: Go easy on NiceGuy. The heart feels what the heart feels. He gotten some good advice on this site, as have I. It just takes time to digest it all. We, or at least I, still go to bed each night wondering "what-if" and takes time for the wounds to heal.

 

huh? go easy on him? i wasn't hard on him. i'm telling him not waste his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care. that's not being mean. that's saving him from wasting his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care.

[Soulrelo]

huh? go easy on him? i wasn't hard on him. i'm telling him not waste his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care. that's not being mean. that's saving him from wasting his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care.

 

He desperately wants her to still care, that's why he wrote the letter, and telling him she doesn't care is just going to hurt more. If he's half the man he appears to be from his writings, she probably does care and may even date a few losers or two before figuring it out, then she may come crawling back to him. Isn't that what we all ulitmately are wishing for??

[Soulrelo]

huh? go easy on him? i wasn't hard on him. i'm telling him not waste his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care. that's not being mean. that's saving him from wasting his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care.

 

He desperately wants her to still care, that's why he wrote the letter, and telling him she doesn't care is just going to hurt more. If he's half the man he appears to be from his writings, she probably does care and may even date a few losers or two before figuring it out, then she may come crawling back to him. Isn't that what we all ulitmately are wishing for??

[KenzieAbsolutely]

He desperately wants her to still care, that's why he wrote the letter, and telling him she doesn't care is just going to hurt more. If he's half the man he appears to be from his writings, she probably does care and may even date a few losers or two before figuring it out, then she may come crawling back to him. Isn't that what we all ulitmately are wishing for??

 

maybe, but it's a lot healthier to face the truth,and simply wanting her to care won't make her care. if he sends the letter, he'll look like a fool. i'm not going to tell the guy to go and do something that i don't think he should do.

 

i would think he would rather be hurt by someone he doesn't know telling him something honestly, something HE ASKED ADVICE FOR, then to be hurt by someone he really cares about when he opens up to her and she doesn't share his feelings. in other words, i will not hurt him more than she could by being honest. he'll put a lot of hope into her response, and the results will be devastating if/when she doesn't respond to his attempts. and trust me, if she wanted him to contact her, she'd let him know somehow.

 

so according to you, i should tell him "go for it! send that letter! even if it's not right away, she'll see what she's missing, and she will come crawling back!"

 

sorry, not going to say that. you can tell him that. i'll give him my own honest answer, thanks.

[Soulrelo]

huh? go easy on him? i wasn't hard on him. i'm telling him not waste his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care. that's not being mean. that's saving him from wasting his time and his feelings on a girl who won't care.

 

maybe, but it's a lot healthier to face the truth,and simply wanting her to care won't make her care. if he sends the letter, he'll look like a fool. i'm not going to tell the guy to go and do something that i don't think he should do.

 

i would think he would rather be hurt by someone he doesn't know telling him something honestly, something HE ASKED ADVICE FOR, then to be hurt by someone he really cares about when he opens up to her and she doesn't share his feelings. in other words, i will not hurt him more than she could by being honest. he'll put a lot of hope into her response, and the results will be devastating if/when she doesn't respond to his attempts. and trust me, if she wanted him to contact her, she'd let him know somehow.

 

so according to you, i should tell him "go for it! send that letter! even if it's not right away, she'll see what she's missing, and she will come crawling back!"

 

sorry, not going to say that. you can tell him that. i'll give him my own honest answer, thanks.

 

I would never say go for it. I just logged onto this site for the first time today, and my very first message to NiceGuy was DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. This is a great forum for getting advice, and I'm not ragging on you; I just said go easy on him. The way I'm attempting to get over my break-up is NC as well, but everytime the phone rings I hope it's her. I have written several emails to her, let it sit, then come back to it, re-read it and delete it. Screwed up therapy at it's finest., but I still wish and pray she makes the first move. Power struggle in my head, every minute of everyday.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I would never say go for it. I just logged onto this site for the first time today, and my very first message to NiceGuy was DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. This is a great forum for getting advice, and I'm not ragging on you; I just said go easy on him. The way I'm attempting to get over my break-up is NC as well, but everytime the phone rings I hope it's her. I have written several emails to her, let it sit, then come back to it, re-read it and delete it. Screwed up therapy at it's finest., but I still wish and pray she makes the first move. Power struggle in my head, every minute of everyday.

 

okay, well i don't think what i said was considered being hard on him. but that's the beauty of LS, and everyone has a different opinion from which much can be learned. good day.

[niceguy27]

personally, if you sent me this letter, i would have stopped reading with this first paragraph:

 

 

those two lines would tick me off, just knowing that you didn't really get it, because there you are, assuming you're in my head and knowing what i think. inside i would be screaming "no i don't! and no you can't, and yes they are gone!"i think this screams of neediness, and all it serves is for you to get your feelings out. what you need to realize is your feelings are no longer her problem. keep them to yourself, move on in a healthy way, and you won't even care what she thinks anymore.

 

then you'll never have say to yourself "i wish i never sent that sappy letter, all it did was give her more of myself even after i thought she took all i had."

 

move on.

 

first of all and correct me if im wrong...but i had said i deleted every single line out of there that mentioned anything about her feelings, what i thought she felt, and any mention of me ''pleading'' to get back with her. it is to the point and straight up how i feel which since we never sat and had some big ''talk'' like everyone has it was needed for me. it included a lot of unfinished issues that i had needed to bring to the table for myself. i never had a chance to tell her any of that stuf because i was caught up in the whole ''needy'' stage at the tail end of us. having some time to clear my head allowed me to write down a straight forward letter like this.

 

secondly, i am not looking fo any type of approval from her whatsoever. i havent groveled at her feet and called her everyday begging her. ive given her and myself plenty of space this past month. hardly any contact, no big in depth begging and needy discussions. now, when i look back now at the issues we had, i was never aware of some of the things until i was able to step back a bit and re assess things. thus this letter.

 

if you had been reading my other posts you can see that i caught what i had written and edited the entire thing. you can also see that i dont really care what she has to say about. im not expecting an answer out of her or some sudden change of heart when she sees it or i discuss it with her. it simply states the unfinished feelings that i want to get off my chest. so whatever happens at least i have given some time before i ''pulled the trigger'' on writing it.

 

so before responding please get a little background on the whole thing especially if you just popped on first time here and make some blanket statement.

 

in fact go read my recent post under ''getting her stuff out'' to read a little more into the reason i wrote it in the first place. sorry but i am typing this on a tiny pda and cant copy or paste anything.

[funkybassplayer]

first of all and correct me if im wrong...but i had said i deleted every single line out of there that mentioned anything about her feelings, what i thought she felt, and any mention of me ''pleading'' to get back with her. it is to the point and straight up how i feel which since we never sat and had some big ''talk'' like everyone has it was needed for me. it included a lot of unfinished issues that i had needed to bring to the table for myself. i never had a chance to tell her any of that stuf because i was caught up in the whole ''needy'' stage at the tail end of us. having some time to clear my head allowed me to write down a straight forward letter like this.

 

secondly, i am not looking fo any type of approval from her whatsoever. i havent groveled at her feet and called her everyday begging her. ive given her and myself plenty of space this past month. hardly any contact, no big in depth begging and needy discussions. now, when i look back now at the issues we had, i was never aware of some of the things until i was able to step back a bit and re assess things. thus this letter.

 

if you had been reading my other posts you can see that i caught what i had written and edited the entire thing. you can also see that i dont really care what she has to say about. im not expecting an answer out of her or some sudden change of heart when she sees it or i discuss it with her. it simply states the unfinished feelings that i want to get off my chest. so whatever happens at least i have given some time before i ''pulled the trigger'' on writing it.

 

so before responding please get a little background on the whole thing especially if you just popped on first time here and make some blanket statement.

 

in fact go read my recent post under ''getting her stuff out'' to read a little more into the reason i wrote it in the first place. sorry but i am typing this on a tiny pda and cant copy or paste anything.

 

 

Can i just say, it is almost like you are asking permission from every1 what to do. You must look into your heart, dont worry about people saying send it done send it, do whst is right for you, and you only, and if its done that way, it will never be wrong no matter the outcome. If it was me, i would send it, cos it sounds like you have stuff to say, but be aware that she may not reply, but also be aware that sometimes silence isa way of saying that she has not yet let go herself, otherwise you wouldget, thanks nice letter but no thanks

[Spinderella]

first of all and correct me if im wrong...but i had said i deleted every single line out of there that mentioned anything about her feelings, what i thought she felt, and any mention of me ''pleading'' to get back with her. it is to the point and straight up how i feel which since we never sat and had some big ''talk'' like everyone has it was needed for me. it included a lot of unfinished issues that i had needed to bring to the table for myself. i never had a chance to tell her any of that stuf because i was caught up in the whole ''needy'' stage at the tail end of us. having some time to clear my head allowed me to write down a straight forward letter like this.

 

secondly, i am not looking fo any type of approval from her whatsoever. i havent groveled at her feet and called her everyday begging her. ive given her and myself plenty of space this past month. hardly any contact, no big in depth begging and needy discussions. now, when i look back now at the issues we had, i was never aware of some of the things until i was able to step back a bit and re assess things. thus this letter.

 

if you had been reading my other posts you can see that i caught what i had written and edited the entire thing. you can also see that i dont really care what she has to say about. im not expecting an answer out of her or some sudden change of heart when she sees it or i discuss it with her. it simply states the unfinished feelings that i want to get off my chest. so whatever happens at least i have given some time before i ''pulled the trigger'' on writing it.

 

so before responding please get a little background on the whole thing especially if you just popped on first time here and make some blanket statement.

 

in fact go read my recent post under ''getting her stuff out'' to read a little more into the reason i wrote it in the first place. sorry but i am typing this on a tiny pda and cant copy or paste anything.

 

Niceguy,

I read the edited version of your letter, or at least some of it, and I have read your other threads. I was saying, the letter sounds as though you are looking for approval. I didnt say you are looking for approval. Just what the letter sounded like to me.

I also think that if you sent it, even if it wasnt for a response, you would feel bad about a lack of response, or a response you didnt care for.

From all of your posts, I can see no reason for the letter, as I think you have told her, everything in the letter. So what really IS the purpose of the letter?

This isn't a criticism, just reminding you to really explore your own motivations. As I said, I too went through this very recently, wrote and deleted emails. When I really looked at my motivations, I was only prolonging having to face something I did not want to face.

 

Soulrelo,

Niceguy may be the nicest guy in the world, but it doesnt always follow that his ex will want him back. It is best to act in ways that you can be proud of yourself for, but, it doesnt always mean that another person will admire you for it. The same goes for acting a little needy, the reverse of the same coin, if ultimately it was a part of getting you to where you need to be, then do not worry about what another thinks of you for it.

The focus should not be on what the other person thinks.

The focus though, IS getting to where you need to be, and at some point that does require facing something, so it is best to allow that to happen instead of fighting it.

[niceguy27]

The point of the letter is just to get my feelings out on paper. If I give it to her or discuss things with her the point of it is to put all the unfinished feelings in one piece.

Looking back I see that I was being needy and pushy to her towards the end. Admitting that and realizing what I did instead of begging and trying to "convince" of anything is a whole better approach. So thats the angle Im taking on what is said in that letter. Admitting that I was being like that and more than likely that is what pushed her away. I think there are reasons people do everything. Whether they are the reason or some outside force, people always have a reason. And that is what I want to know. When I do, I'll be fine. I'll know why.

 

I dont know if Im even going to give it to her. Response or no response it doesnt change the fact that we are still apart. So this isnt some fix all, last ditch effort to get her to change her mind. If she doesnt respond oh well. If she does, great.

 

Spinderella, I know you have been following my story a bit and I appreciate all your inputs on it. Its when other people jump on board and make some blanket statement without knowing the story behind it and that carries no merit with me.

[Soulrelo]

Soulrelo,

Niceguy may be the nicest guy in the world, but it doesnt always follow that his ex will want him back. It is best to act in ways that you can be proud of yourself for, but, it doesnt always mean that another person will admire you for it. The same goes for acting a little needy, the reverse of the same coin, if ultimately it was a part of getting you to where you need to be, then do not worry about what another thinks of you for it.

The focus should not be on what the other person thinks.

The focus though, IS getting to where you need to be, and at some point that does require facing something, so it is best to allow that to happen instead of fighting it.

 

Spinderella,

 

I know the focus is where I need to be, as NiceGuy probably knows as well. But the heart feels what the heart feels, and the only thing that cures that is time. I got very weak last night, picked up the phone several times to call my ex (but never called), wrote several emails, (but never sent), and finally had a stiff drink and a smoke to bring me back down to earth. Personally, getting where I need to be is the goal, but it's when I'm done with the workday, the gym, the errands, and settling down for the evening that the feelings and emotions rush in like a freight train. Same thing in the morning when I wake up without her. And I know for a fact she is with another guy, going to bed and waking up with him; that's the worst frigging part. Why him over me??? I'm not sure I want to know the answer, but sometimes closure is needed. NiceGuy's letter is his way of closure, with a touch of "take me back." Hell, we only live once, maybe he should send the damn letter just to find some sense of closure and inner strength. Finding inner strength is easier said than done though, isn't it?

[niceguy27]

Once her things are completely out, then ALL connections to her will be cut. Up to this point I have had a lot of her stuff at my house so its almost impossible to "let go" completely. AFter its all gone, there wont be any more connections there and then we will be truly apart in every sense of the word. Yes, the letter is kind of a last chance to wrap up what I want to say to her. After that, its all up in the air.

[Art_Critic]

AFter its all gone,

 

I thought she moved her stuff out already?.. What happened to laying down the law and giving her a deadline to removing her stuff ?

 

Please don't let this " Stuff " thing drag out.. it will reopen an old wound each time you either look at it or you contact her to arrange pickup..

[Soulrelo]

Once her things are completely out, then ALL connections to her will be cut. Up to this point I have had a lot of her stuff at my house so its almost impossible to "let go" completely. AFter its all gone, there wont be any more connections there and then we will be truly apart in every sense of the word. Yes, the letter is kind of a last chance to wrap up what I want to say to her. After that, its all up in the air.

 

Send the letter. Just shorten it, say what you have to say, and be done. You only live once and life is short.