Finally wrote THE letter. What do you think?

[reboot]

I thought she moved her stuff out already?.. What happened to laying down the law and giving her a deadline to removing her stuff ?

 

Please don't let this " Stuff " thing drag out.. it will reopen an old wound each time you either look at it or you contact her to arrange pickup..

She got some of it. She couldn't take all of it now could she? He wouldn't still have that hook in his mouth then.

[Art_Critic]

I now know why you are still pinning over her and haven't moved on.. her stuff is keeping it fresh..

 

She doesn't have your stuff at her house for you to pickup so when she is at home she isn't reminded of you..

You need to get this taken care of..

[niceguy27]

Umm yeah...When I put it out there last week she came over and completely loaded her car up to the rim and took it away. Her mother came and got some things too. Finally the rest will be gone in the next day or so. She had A LOT of things there. An entire room just for her clothes. She moved out in June but since we were still together the stuff stayed.

 

But I wont be a d**k about it either. I only gave her 2 days notice the first time around. I couldnt even mobilize myself in 2 days to take care of that much stuff. She came right over and got it too. So instead of going balls to the wall with her and giving her only those 2 days, I backed off a little and gave her a full week to do it.

 

Art Critic...You are dead on about that. I am looking forward to moving on. I told her just recently that a couple weeks ago I finally got sick and tired of being reminded of her every single day by seeing that stuff there. The sooner it was gone the better I would be.

[Spinderella]

Spinderella,

 

I know the focus is where I need to be, as NiceGuy probably knows as well. But the heart feels what the heart feels, and the only thing that cures that is time.

Yes Soulrelo, that is what I was saying. Dont worry about how you dealt with the end, and dont worry about whether you seem needy. In other words, the focus should be on you. And you need to give YOURSELF the time. I just think that Niceguys focus is still on her, and what she thinks, and her seeing him as being needy, hence he feels the need to write a letter, to end things differently. I think the focus is still on the wrong thing, AND there comes a point when you have to accept, that nothing is going to change what is, or even how you feel about what is. At least not by frantically trying to shift things about in the external.

NOTHING is going to satisfy him about this. He is unhappy with the situation. "Closure" doesnt come with a thing you say, or do, it comes from within.

NiceGuy's letter is his way of closure, with a touch of "take me back." Hell, we only live once, maybe he should send the damn letter just to find some sense of closure and inner strength. Finding inner strength is easier said than done though, isn't it?

Maybe he should, but where does it end? Eventually, he has to give himself the time to get over her. He is just delaying it.

NICEGUY. Sorry to be speaking about you like this. In your own thread too!

[Art_Critic]

But I wont be a d**k about it either. I only gave her 2 days notice the first time around. I couldnt even mobilize myself in 2 days to take care of that much stuff. She came right over and got it too. So instead of going balls to the wall with her and giving her only those 2 days, I backed off a little and gave her a full week to do it.

 

Nothing wrong with being fair..

I said that in my first few posts.. You have to be fair.. but without being too much of a niceguy either...

 

Your doing fine..

[Soulrelo]

Maybe he should, but where does it end? Eventually, he has to give himself the time to get over her. He is just delaying it.

NICEGUY. Sorry to be speaking about you like this. In your own thread too!

 

Where does it end??? The million dollar question. TIME will tell. Unfortunately, I wrote a letter too, and have edited and amended, deleted it, and started it over. Latest version is below. Any feedback would be appreciated. NiceGuy: I should've started a new thread with my letter, but you might appreciate it . . .

 

"Jane",

 

I was debating whether to contact you before moving away, but you were a big part of my life for several years, and I suppose some closure is needed on my end:

 

It was a very hard decision to accept this job in ThatTown. As I stated before, you were one of the reasons I would have considered staying, but as of late, I wish I was staying as I could make a nice life for myself here in ThisTown. My work environment wasn't ideal, but that would have eventually changed. And I didn't take advantage of ThisTown as I should have. This is a beautiful area, I just happened to work in the crappy part of it. Nonetheless, it is with some remorse that I'm leaving, but I believe a bright future awaits me.

 

I don't know what is going on with you, but I sincerely hope you work everything out, for your sake. My heart was hurt for you and by you so many times in the past year, that it has become numb. You moving in with TheDude was the last straw for me, especially after what I witnessed the last time I saw you and the house you two had set up for yourselves. As time has gone on, I see that maybe you guys are meant for each other and hopefully you can help each other to both become better, stronger, people. It's either that, or more stupid business deals, more drugs/alcohol, and more suicide attempts. Personally, I think you're both whacked out of your minds, but my opinion really doesn't matter.

 

I would say let's keep in touch, but when I leave here, I'd just as soon never think of you, hear from you, or see you ever again. I need to get the old me back, become a stronger person mentally and emotionally, and enjoy life. As I think back, overall, my life was not that enjoyable with you in it. Granted, there were some enjoyable moments, but the bad outweighed the good.

 

This email wasn't meant to be nice "Jane." My heart still yearns for you, as does my body, and that's something time will heal. As for you, maybe one day you'll wake up, realize that life is short, stop blaming others for your problems, take care of your health and your soul, and meet some honorable, decent man who will love you for who you are, and help you become the woman I know you can be; not take advantage of you.

 

I do wish you success and much happiness.

 

Good luck

[niceguy27]

Its been cut to 2 pages and gets my point across to her. I dont care what response she has or what she does with it but it is my final way of letting things go and moving on. Remember, this whole thing started with us taking time apart to clear our heads. Well, it was originally a month but I pushed for 2 weeks, then kind of left the door open. So here I am a little over a month later finishing it and going forward with a clear conscience:

 

This is what it has looked like since I put it in the envelope:

 

Kara, this is the main reason for writing you this. I have to apologize for being so focused on “us” the last few months of our relationship. I lost sight of some things and that made me push you away and act like the way I did. I am sorry for that. After having this time apart I look back now and all I think is, “Jesus! What a putz I was being!” I would get stressed and upset over the stupidest things. It was because I had tried so hard to please everyone for so long that I had some hidden anger about it and took it out on you and on us. Remember how much fun you and I had together? Hanging out, partying, going to new places, and experiencing the world together. We had fun no matter where we were. I lost sight of that because I worried so much about making you and everyone else happy that I forgot to make myself happy. That made me focus all the more on you and I forgot to just have fun when we were together. That made you pull further and further away. There is no other way to really tell you this. I can see now with a lot clearer head that it was me pushing you away. Instead of cutting loose, having fun, and just enjoying things, everything was oh so serious all the time for me.

 

It’s all hindsight now but I can see where things had started to go wrong. When you were starting your summer you just wanted to have fun and enjoy it. I understand that I put all this pressure on you and on us that you just couldn’t take it anymore. Especially towards the end. I should have been there for you to be able to enjoy but instead I was too stubborn to change and see what I should have seen the whole time…You and me just enjoying life. I revolved too much around you. I needed time to get back to me. To where I was when we first met. Back to making decisions based on what I want and not what others want me to do. That is when I saw what I had been doing and how I had been acting recently. It is only now that I can look back and see that. Now that I have been back on my own, it is like a light bulb went off in my head and I see things in a completely different light. No longer do I think that EVERY single minute has to be spent with someone. No more sitting on the sidelines and not enjoying life. I know you did a lot on your own but I lost sight of that with myself. That is why at the end I seemed pushy and “needy” to you. I forgot to just have fun and be myself. The less I focused on myself, the more I pushed everything on you. With school and your schedule, it wasn’t fair of me to do that and put that pressure on you. That is where I lost you. And for this I am sorry.

 

I have been confused about the way you look at this whole thing with me and you. I know you think that if you give in just a little bit, things will come rushing back to what they were. All the pressures and commitments of a relationship come flooding back. Do you really think that I don’t know that’s how you look at it? And would you really think I would expect that or try to have that back if we started talking again? I’m not blind. I know you better than that! You have built this up so big that you think it has to be all or nothing with you and me. I just can tell you enough that it won’t be like this. I am afraid that this is what you think. And that if it doesn’t live up to that, you feel that you are letting yourself or me down. Like you are afraid that if it’s too good to be true, something must be wrong, so you just need to end it now. Nobody can predict what the future holds.

 

I can’t promise you the world. Nobody can. Life is full of uncertainty and unknowns. Things could end tomorrow just like that. It’s scary to think that we have no control over our lives. But the only thing I am sure of is do know what I can give you. Everyone wants something from you right now: attention, your time, your computer (haha) and so many other demanding things that you just flat out can’t give right now. I have no demands from you. None whatsoever. I know who you are and how you relate to things. No deadlines, no pressures, no doing things you really just don’t feel like doing. I know you are invested heavily with school and can’t afford to lessen your concentration one bit.

 

I will respect whatever decision you make regarding us. I can’t let it go without showing you that I understand now. Completely and wholly understand. I don’t see anyone else but you when I look at you. If this means going our separate ways then so be it. If it means not speaking and just moving on, then that is how it has to be. You just have to hear what I have left to say.

 

If things do change, we now know what to do and what not to do. We’ve had time apart from each other to clear our heads a little bit. Making it into some big, drawn out, heavily invested relationship again is the wrong thing to do. You know me better than that. There can be a middle ground found with you and me. Do you think if we start to talk or hang out that I am going to want to go full force back into us? In no time flat, there will be this big, heavy investment of a relationship to worry about. I can see that is not what you want right now in your life right now. I know you are focused on other things at the moment.

 

My point is quit thinking that it has to be 100% all the time with us or 0%. We can do new things, hang out in new places, and meet new people. Imagine if we took things nice and slow. Remember how exciting it was back then? The anticipation, being nervous, and having the time of our life? That is what I want again. Starting over without ever really starting over. There will be no discussions about the past or what will happen in the future. No labels, no expectations, no pressures, nothing. We just enjoy the moment. Have fun and take things like we did when we first met. There will be no direct talks or opening up of feelings (as I know you have a hard time with that). This time around though, we know exactly what path to take to get us there. We know what went wrong and have had time to look at this a little different than before.

 

I am not expecting a phone call, a response, or anything from writing you this. I am simply bringing these issues to light that we have never discussed. Call it a last ditch effort in trying to discuss things with you or call it a final go at things, but I have to get these thoughts out to you before you make a final decision. I stuck with giving you some space for some time and so here I am. I will honor whatever it is you decide to do from here on out.

[niceguy27]

I think that sounds just fine. A lot of people, including myself want to almost have the last say in everything. Thats closure to me. Leaving behind no doubts. If it means writing some nasty email (yours isnt nasty) or a long letter, if that allows the healing process to start then way to go!

 

Thats what this is for me. Me getting the last word in and getting the feeling that I let go and cut her out. Even if she did the dumping, for some strange reason this gives me a sense of being back in control of myself.

[Art_Critic]

I think that sounds just fine. A lot of people, including myself want to almost have the last say in everything. Thats closure to me. Leaving behind no doubts. If it means writing some nasty email (yours isnt nasty) or a long letter, if that allows the healing process to start then way to go!

 

Thats what this is for me. Me getting the last word in and getting the feeling that I let go and cut her out. Even if she did the dumping, for some strange reason this gives me a sense of being back in control of myself.

 

You do realize that if she choses to not reply.. not say a word that you lose the power and she gains it ?

 

Her silence will drive you nuts.. therefore she will have the last word without even an utter of voice.

 

Send the letter.. you seem like you are going to do it no matter what we say.. If you truly move on afterwards then it will have been worth it.. if you don't then what will be your next move ? more letters ?

[reboot]

if you don't then what will be your next move ? more letters ?

I predict phone calls.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

I predict phone calls.

 

yes. anyone who has this neeeeeed to get their feelings out to someone who doesn't care anymore is not going to stop with a letter, much less an unanswered one.

 

selfish as it sounds, i don't care, i'm saying it anyway; i am glad my exes spared me the burden of unleashing their unreciprocated feelings on me after the fact and let me move on, moving on themselves as well.

[Soulrelo]

Don't expect phone calls or a reply and you'll save more heart-ache, but if you want any reply, shorten the letter (if you haven't sent it yet); there is a lot of redundancy in it. You should be able to say everything in 3 short-medium paragraphs. If she's a busy as you say, reading it will take time and she may get exasperated.

[Art_Critic]

Don't expect phone calls or a reply and you'll save more heart-ache, but if you want any reply, shorten the letter (if you haven't sent it yet); there is a lot of redundancy in it. You should be able to say everything in 3 short-medium paragraphs. If she's a busy as you say, reading it will take time and she may get exasperated.

 

Good post.. but it is so hard to not expect a reply or call.. no matter how much you tell yourself that it doesn't matter it really does..

 

There isn't anything wrong with him sending the letter....

I have sent an ex some letters, flowers all the while looking like I was a puss..but in my mind I kept thinking if only.... if only she would reply and talk to me.. if only she felt the same way about me.. if only she would accept my apology...

 

It sucked.. I was an idiot

[Soulrelo]

I predict phone calls.

 

I'm learning a lot from this site, and my "letter" still sits as a draft waiting to be sent or trashed. Sometimes just writing the stuff out feels better. In my case, my silence is my weapon. Once I open my heart to her again by sending a sweet "miss you" or ending it on my terms by sending the "closure" email, who knows what door will be open or shut? In NiceGuy's case, if he sends the letter, at least he know he made the attempt and can rest easy . . . until he does or does not hear from her. What a mess, but that's life.

[Spinderella]

Good post.. but it is so hard to not expect a reply or call.. no matter how much you tell yourself that it doesn't matter it really does..

 

There isn't anything wrong with him sending the letter....

I have sent an ex some letters, flowers all the while looking like I was a puss..but in my mind I kept thinking if only.... if only she would reply and talk to me.. if only she felt the same way about me.. if only she would accept my apology...

 

It sucked.. I was an idiot

 

I disagree it makes you an idiot. Its just that you cant avoid accepting that its over, at some point. Why prolong things?

 

Both you guys have written good letters, but, they are pointless. The first thing with doing this, is that you are giving your exes no credit for being able to see why you were as you were. Another thing. You were as you were for a reason, those are your problems, not your exes. Much as it hurts, and believe me, I know it. (You think, oh if only they could see the real me again, if only they could see how great I could be, if only....) Still though, this is about you. If you want to do some self improvement then thats great, but its not going to make any difference to your past, only to your future. She is your past now.

You keep saying the letter is for your own closure. I disagree, or at least, I agree it is for your own closure, but you are trying to get your closure through her.

Soulrelo, I like the part of your letter that says you hope she can realise her self worth or something like that, thats nice. The rest of it though is pointless.

[funkybassplayer]

You do realize that if she choses to not reply.. not say a word that you lose the power and she gains it ?

 

Her silence will drive you nuts.. therefore she will have the last word without even an utter of voice.

 

Send the letter.. you seem like you are going to do it no matter what we say.. If you truly move on afterwards then it will have been worth it.. if you don't then what will be your next move ? more letters ?

 

 

Why are people on here so obsessed with who has power and the last word! does it really matter? Love, real love goes way beyond who has the last word, and its not a game. If he sends it, he has said his bit, and should be proud that he has the guts to do that. The last word means nothing, in the scale of what was/is love, and in the months to come he would have let go of the baggage that he may carry forward into another relationship, and the guilt perhaps of not saying what maybe really has to be said.

[Art_Critic]

Why are people on here so obsessed with who has power and the last word!

 

The person who started this thread thinks it is important.. You know.. the OP

You cannot heal or you slowly heal FB if you continue to give the other person the power..

You have to take the power.. for yourself..

 

 

Thats what this is for me. Me getting the last word in and getting the feeling that I let go and cut her out. Even if she did the dumping, for some strange reason this gives me a sense of being back in control of myself.

[funkybassplayer]

The person who started this thread thinks it is important.. You know.. the OP

You cannot heal or you slowly heal FB if you continue to give the other person the power..

You have to take the power.. for yourself..

 

 

Giving good wishes is power, having the maturity to do that shows power. But it depends at the time when you send it of your own state of mind. As i said b4, if its done to gain a responce, then it is wrong, but if it done with the true intention of giving healing to you and the ex in order to move forward, then this is good, but it must be sent only if you can let go of your own ego, and move forward from that point.

[reboot]

if it done with the true intention of giving healing to you and the ex in order to move forward, then this is good

But she has already moved on, thus rendering it pointless.

[Art_Critic]

Giving good wishes is power, having the maturity to do that shows power. But it depends at the time when you send it of your own state of mind.

 

Very True FB..

The OP is not in that state of mind though.. he is getting there.. that is why we have posted the way we have.

 

Go back to the beginning of the thread.. if everyone here had told him to just send the letter and get it off your chest then the OP would not have learned the kind of things he has about himself thru the process of rewriting the letter..

Because he has waited and rewrote and rewrote he is seeing the light and the fog is lifting..

 

He still may chose to send the email but at least it won't be at the sacrifice of his self esteem

[reboot]

You also would need to read his other thread to get the whole story.

[funkybassplayer]

But in all fairness. and giving this a little thought, i have moved on alot, and if i remember how i was after my break-up, you think all sorts of things, and things that you took for granted like a simple phone call becomes a mountain! i did do one thing, send money to the kids, and i never regreated that for a moment, and as it happens i did get a thank you, all be it weeks later!! As you move on, you think clearer, and there may come a time where you can send a letter such as i mention b4 without the need for a responce. But if you need to do it then do it, but dont beat yourself up over it after its done. If you did it for the reason that you trully mean and deep down your not doing it for a reaction, you will feel good for sending it. You guys know in your own minds what the true reason you are sending it for, and dont kidd yourselves.

[funkybassplayer]

But she has already moved on, thus rendering it pointless.

 

 

We are talking about our own healing, but who knows what the ex is feeling? i saw my ex back on a dating site just 2 weks ago! you do it cos you want to, to be good and to be strong. As i keep saying you do it for you, but its never a bad thing to send good thoughts to anyone, be that a friend an ex or a family member.

[niceguy27]

Everyone goes through their own way of moving on. Sending flowers, calling a lot, making promises, locking themselves up, thearpy,etc. My way...To puke my feelings out, sort through them over time, and THEN make a decision as to what I want to do. And at that point in time you shouldnt care what the OP thinks because now you are doing it for YOURSELF and not them.

 

So whatever floats someones boat and allows them to either move on, cope, or try to work things out in the future, all the more power to them.

 

BUT, I think only after they have had plenty of time to sort through their emotions and feelings and have thought deep down about what they are about to do because that will decide what path will be taken...reconciling, moving on, etc. If I wanted any chance to get her back or move on and heal, I would of instantly ruined it by going completely off my emotions.

[funkybassplayer]

As long as you do it for you, and is not hurtful, abusive, or degrading, it will never be wrong, and it will be a springboard for you to move on from, and knowing you cleared your mind, and left an ex with the feeling of self worth and that she was very much loved will also help you move forward. One of the dangers of a site like this is with the exeption of a few guys on hre that have stayed here despite their moving on, many people are all in a similar state of mind, where the anger and emotions are still very raw. I know i was eer! I have to say i asked the same questions and got the same answers as whats being said here but i still sent it, and i never regreated it for one moment.