Spinderella Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 Funky, I love everything you have written and 100% agree with you. I dont believe it should be a power game either, and sending unconditional love is the best aim you should have. It does depend though, on where you are, and if that love is conditional or not. It is okay to leave your ex with "power" or an "ego boost" or that kind of thing, I agree. What is not okay, for an individual in a break up situation, is to keep denying what is actually happening for an extended period of time, and to keep trying for a different result, in what is essentially the same approach. The same approach, because it is coming from the same place really. It is good, to face that the relationship is over, and to send love, without any expectations attached. Completely unconditional. It requires having truly accepted circumstances though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Funky, What is not okay, for an individual in a break up situation, is to keep denying what is actually happening for an extended period of time, and to keep trying for a different result, in what is essentially the same approach. The same approach, because it is coming from the same place really. It is good, to face that the relationship is over, and to send love, without any expectations attached. Completely unconditional. It requires having truly accepted circumstances though. I am in 100% agreement with that statement. Thats the reason for this. I am tired of feeling like this and now that I've had some time to think a little clearer its a lot easier to express what I feel and really start to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I am in 100% agreement with that statement. Thats the reason for this. I am tired of feeling like this and now that I've had some time to think a little clearer its a lot easier to express what I feel and really start to move on. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time. Just wanted to remind you of that gem. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 I am in 100% agreement with that statement. Thats the reason for this. I am tired of feeling like this and now that I've had some time to think a little clearer its a lot easier to express what I feel and really start to move on. I think you, from what I have read, are still coming from essentially the same place. I have read alot of your posts and threads, and I dont think you have gone through the truly letting go stage. Could be wrong, but it hasnt been apparent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over expecting different results each time. Just wanted to remind you of that gem. Not sure if that was advice or if you think I am insane I dont think that I keep doing the same thing over and over. I am coping a whole better than when I first jumped on here. I was unsure, lost, indecisive, and numb. Now I feel a lot stronger, I know more about myself, and that the worst is behind me. I express what I feel on here but that is my outlet. I havent talked to her about the same things over and over or written her numerous letters or texts telling her I want her back. There has been no stalking or sitting in a corner rocking back and forth. The endgame plan is to move on after this. Up until this point no I havent moved on. Moved forward a bit but not let go completely. I know that it's going to take a solid and dedicated decision to completely move on from all this and I know I will have to face it and deal with it. I've been preparing myself for that this past couple weeks. When we originally split I told myself that I would give myself a month or two until I finally said enough is enough. So that time is here and now I'm facing up to it that it is over over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Well for those of you who have been following, here is what just took place: My ex called about her stuff again. She wanted her mother to come get it instead of her as she is still too busy. I told her that was fine but I would prefer to do it in person. Well I must of hinted at something because she pressed that issue about why she had to be there. After much pressing I finally caved and told her what I had been wanting to say. At the end of me telling her those couple of things (summed up of course and read from my heart and not the letter), she FINALLY opened up and expressed how she felt. She said that towards the end of our r/s she started to see me as her best friend. The "spark" was not there. She had fought for a while to figure out why, as she said I was oh so good to her and that she must be stupid for feeling like that. So for a while she fought the feeling and tried hard to see if she could get past it. She expressed that there was nothing "bad" that I did to make this happen. She just started to see me as her best friend. She still cares a lot for me but no spark there anymore. I asked her since she was confused at that time if this is what she was confused about..."Yes". I then finished it up by saying that I dont regret anything that we had done. I would always cherish the memories and everything we had done together and would never forget her. She then asked if I wanted any pictures of us and from our trips and I told her that I didnt need any pictures to remember her. All I had to do was close my eyes and the memory would be more vivid than any picture could show. She started to cry a little bit and didnt say much after that. I told her she has a lot to offer someone and I hope she finds the happiness that she is looking for. So there it is. That was our last "talk" or closure or whatever you want to call it. I am glad that I got an answer from her as to what happened. Not glad thankful. No waiting in limbo or wondering why, why, why. It was hard to hear her say those words but I know that is how she feels. I told her that I respect her decision and I will always love her to some degree. I am at work and I feel like busting out of here and breaking down... It breaks my heart to the core but I am thankful that she was honest and straight with me. There are a lot of people who never get an answer from their s/o and are always left wondering what went wrong. Well now I have the answers I looked for for so long. Oh life...What a ride Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Oh Niceguy, I'm sorry. You're right, you had to hear it from her. You will get over this, and you will find someone to love again, who loves you too. Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 now you can move on. I think this tread brought up many veiws and feelings, and at the end of the day, the individual has to do what is right for them. Thier is never a wrong way if done out of a love, and no man is an unfeeling robot. I think that its very hard and sometimes confusing to the poster, as we are all at different stages in our own healing, and no one has the right to make out some 1 is doing something to get a responce. You will know when in your heart you have let go, and then you can send love or even be a friend. Relationships dontalways have to end in a power struggle, and it will be much easier and more respectful to both partys to show love and kindness even in the end. We are all at different stages in healing and you can tell the rage and hurt with which some things were posted, and thats ok, emotions can be strong. Nice guy, as i did gave the ex and the relationship respect, and he will walk away head held high,and a poss future freindship. This tread just proves that its always better to give respect in the end, then holding a grudge or thinking i got the last word. Their is no last word, they will always live in our hearts, but its the way we let go, which will help us move forward in a good and healthy way, so realising anger and pain and guilt, and not carrying that into the next relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 You're completely right Funkybass, and I take back all I said in this thread. I was judging Niceguys situation by where I was in my own, but, its completely different. It takes much more strength to be honest, and give love and yes, well, you are just so right. I apologise Niceguy, and really hope you are feeling okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 11, 2007 Author Share Posted October 11, 2007 Thank you guys so much for all the answers and the support. I really need it. I know I did the right thing and was honest with her and myself and letting things lie as they should but as of this moment I dont FEEL like that. I thought I would be prepared for it but the finality is hitting me like a ton of bricks. To know that someone you cared for so much is not going to be there, and I mean really know that they are gone is what is hurting the most. I am sad for all the past memories, experiences, and times that we shared...almost a longing for them. It feels deeper now and not so raw and shocking. Does that make sense? Its not the hysterical and uncontrollable sadness like before...I cant quite pin it. Am I just numb to it now that I know I gave it my all? Its not disappointment, its something else. I dont know. Im just rambling now... Link to post Share on other sites
Spinderella Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Yes, its the beginnings of acceptance. Its neccessary Niceguy, this is what people were trying to urge you to do before, but you needed to do things in your own way, and ultimately a better way. Link to post Share on other sites
Perikles Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 you're grieving a major loss. So am I... so I hear the signs. I was just at the grocery store, in tears; I can handle about 30 minutes with other people before I burst into tears, and I still have contact with the apparent 'ex' who has said he wants to remain friends...LDR, impossible emotionally, much heartache, long story ;-) You're in mourning for a dream that has been forced to die before you were ready to let go of it. According to my therapist, grief is a recursive process, and it takes the time it takes to let go. I think the best solution for all of us who are grieving is to be gentle with ourselves, try not to remind ourselves too much of the pain if possible (although how this is possible with someone who is still in your life, I don't really know) and do things that help you get back what you've lost: you've lost hopes, dreams, love, and intimacy. This is powerful stuff that we have all lost. I've read posts from people who basically say some version of "get over it," and while that works with some relationships, it doesn't work when your response is acute grief. I say you must honor the grieving, and let it out over time. Accept that you've lost something important to you. best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Girl Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I think the acceptance stage feeling like it is over is the hardest emotion to overcome... I still have hope, so perhaps I am still in the denial stage... broke up 3 months ago. NC over a month... I know I will not contact him... As for you Nice Guy... perhaps you will now know not to contact her... It really is a rollercoaster... but you know what you have to do now... you got your closure and I did to.... He knows how I feel and I go without contact now... For me... and knowing if he isn't happy with me... I don't want to be with someone that I can't make happy.... As so many people say... If it was mean't to be than it will be... We can/t control how they feel... So we move on... Better ourselves... I know it wasn't our fault... Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 I can see how this is the hardest to get over. I do feel a smidge better knowing that the main reason was over attraction (or lack thereof) and not other reasons. That makes me feel that she loved me for ME and accepted who I was. Attraction...all in the eye of the beholder. Maybe after time she comes back. Maybe not. But I go into this with a clean slate and a fresh start. There will always be hope. Imagine a world without hope? But my hope is tucked way away in the corner. The rest of me has closure and I feel very good how things panned out with us and I can FINALLY accept that her and I are over with. Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 Hey nice guy, its always hard to part with a loved one, and you feel the loss and the pain, and it will be a hard few weeks, but however you handles the situation, the oitcome would have been the same. In a few weeks when your emotions start to settle, you will feel proud of what you did, and it really will help you let go, and move forward. Now you have to look after you, and write about your inner feelings, cos their is amazing support here, and it will help you. The relationship is over, but a new chapter of your life has begun from this momnet, and one with a new future. Be strong, take time out for you, and you will grow from this loss, and meet new women and new relationships. Giving love and thanks is one of the strongest things a man can do, and a real woman will know this. Of course she may be hurting, and not see it in the way it was written or said, but one day she will. To give love and kindness and compliment is one of the greatest gifts any1 can recieve. We are on this world a short time, and everyone deserves to have felt they were loved. We all make mistakes in a relationship and its important to forgive yourself, and them for them, and move forward with our own healing to a new parth of life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 12, 2007 Author Share Posted October 12, 2007 This thread has helped me out tremendously. Getting all the different opinions and advice of others has really opened my eyes up to how I see myself and the consequences my actions/intentions can have. Now Im thankful that I pondered and thought and beat myself up before I did anything. It all came down to just being truthful and honest to myself and her when I said those things. Link to post Share on other sites
MattyTee Posted October 12, 2007 Share Posted October 12, 2007 I'm glad to hear that you went with your heart Niceguy. It was brave and honourable ... and despite the plenty of comments not 'door mat' treatment. Well done Link to post Share on other sites
Author niceguy27 Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 that term is thrown around a lot on here. "door mat" is when a) you allow someone to treat you like that and b) your s/o is selfish enough to take advantage of your good heart. We ended it respectfully on both ends. She was honest and gave me a straight answer. I was honest and told her my feelings. We respected and loved each other enough that we owed it to ourselves to be that way. Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 A good relationship deserve respect even in the end. You may find people saying door mat door mat, are holding a bitterness to the ex.If they just let go of that, and said somerthing good instead of huh huh i got last word, then you will feel goodabout yourself. Everybody hurts in some way, even the ex that did the dumping, and its wrong to have been with that person for a number of months a =nd years, and not give the credit they deserve. MAn up people, and tell the woman you love what they were to you, otherwise you will be very bitter in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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