imstunned Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I'm new. This is my first post. I have been reading the posts on the forums since I discovered I am the other woman two weeks ago. Since then his wife has called me after discovering my texts and records of my phone calls to his cell phone. I hadnt even got my head around the fact that he was married. It would appear that only some of my texts were on his phone - if they were all there then there would be no need to ask me anything, as some were saucy. I was so in shock that I cant even recall what she asked but I lied and said nothing happened. That it was just texts, and phone calls. She called me on Saturday. Its Monday. He seems to have vanished. What caused her to find out now? I'm totally reeling, and feel so so stupid, however am finding it very very hard to let go. To me this felt like the beginnings of a lovely relationship (met him around 8 months ago) but now am suddenly facing the idea of never seeing him again. Im hurt and confunsed. I also have no idea if he will contact me again. I dont know what to expect or what to do. Please be kind. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Sadly, you have no choice, but to let go...You don't want a man who pretended he wasn't married. You deserve better. Doesn't matter how she found out, but she did, and now that you know he is a married man, and his wife has contacted you, it's over. You may or may not hear from him, it depends on the reasons why he is lying and betraying you and his wife. He does owe you an explanation of why he would lie about being married - To neglect to tell someone and make them believe a relationship is possible is cruel and wrong! But, if you don't get that explanation from him, try to do your best to move on. You didn't do anything wrong, he did. HE is the a-hole and selfish man who thought he could have it all...But he got busted and now is living with the consquences of his actions... Read some threads here, and hopefully you'll gain some insight and also feel relieved it ended now instead of a year or two from now. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 He lied to you as much as he lied to his wife. You aren't the first OW to have been fooled by a MM, as difficult as it is for you to believe that he could do this to you. Why did you lie to his wife when she asked about your relationship to her husband? You could have gotten all your questions answered if you'd been honest with her and told her that you had no idea he was married. Both of you could have compared notes on what lies he told and how he managed to keep you two secret from each other - and then you would have been able to deal with this self-entitled jerk from a position of knowing the TRUTH about him, not just what he wants you to know. Why did you protect him when you found out he's been lying to you all along? He doesn't deserve your protection. At this point, he'll be relieved that you lied for him. He'll either completely disappear as he tries to save his marriage, and avoid facing your wrath. Or he'll stay away for a while until the heat dies down at home, and then hope to resume with you. Or, he'll get in touch in a couple of days and act like it's no big deal, maybe even trying to squirrel out of it by saying you must have known...you've never been to his house...etc, etc. Or he might beg your forgiveness and feed you a line about how he's never done this before and he was just overwhelmed by how wonderful you are and couldn't help himself and never meant to hurt you and how he wants to keep seeing you because his marriage is a disaster and they sleep in separate rooms but he can't leave because of the kids or because his wife will take him to the cleaners in a divorce or that he's planning to leave her when the kids are done with school, or he saves up some money for a place of his own, or fill in the blank... You'll need to first accept that he's a huge liar and took advantage of you. And then you'll need to be strong and kick him to the curb. Be prepared for anything. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 At this point, he'll be relieved that you lied for him. He'll either completely disappear as he tries to save his marriage, and avoid facing your wrath. Or he'll stay away for a while until the heat dies down at home, and then hope to resume with you. Or, he'll get in touch in a couple of days and act like it's no big deal, maybe even trying to squirrel out of it by saying you must have known...you've never been to his house...etc, etc. Or he might beg your forgiveness and feed you a line about how he's never done this before and he was just overwhelmed by how wonderful you are and couldn't help himself and never meant to hurt you and how he wants to keep seeing you because his marriage is a disaster and they sleep in separate rooms but he can't leave because of the kids or because his wife will take him to the cleaners in a divorce... ...or he'll disappear and find some other unwitting victim. I'm sorry this happened to you. You do deserve better. The whole thing was built on his lies, and now you have to pay with your emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 You might consider calling his wife back and telling her the truth. It's not on you if you didn't even know he was married, and she deserves to know what he's been doing. And like luvmy2ns said, he's probably going to just move on to another OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Thank you both for replying. Its very raw for me as even to see the words "its over" have brought me to tears. His wife calling me isnt the reason I found out he was married - in the end a few red flags cropped up and just aksed him via text and he said he was. What threw me was his age. He is in his mid 20's. We continued to be in touch and I am ashamed to say texting about an affair. (God it all sounds so pathetic when i see it typed in black and white. I am a 34 year old single woman with a child and her own business and I sound about 16.) I told her I didnt know he was married when I met him. That much was true - I also didnt know about his two children, or his real name. I lied because if he wants to stay with his wife then he has a chance - I havent wrecked it for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Wait...you found out he was married only when his wife called???? After seeing him for 8 months? WOW! How does a man do this? The level of deception is just mind-boggling, he has to come up with excuses for why they can never go to his home, why he can't see her on weekends, etc...holy cow! I think you and his wife ought to get together and compare notes on this pig, but that's just my humble opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Thanks to reboot & lovmy2ns for your replies too. Perhaps if I read that i deserve better often enough I may start to belive it. I cant call the wife back as I dont know his home number. I wasnt sure If I had done the right thing - in fact the pathetic thing is that I think I lied as I dont want to make him angry! What a mug. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I told her I didnt know he was married when I met him. That much was true - I also didnt know about his two children, or his real name. I lied because if he wants to stay with his wife then he has a chance - I havent wrecked it for him. It is upsetting when you find out after a period of time that you weren't the only woman, you were instead the other woman. Happened to me to. I was devastated. It was as if the 'guy who had a girlfriend all along' came along and murdered the 'guy I thought he was'. Shocking. I didn't have a hard time letting go of the lying sack of sh*t, I had a hard time letting go of the decent guy I thought he was. Eventually I accepted that the guy I fell for never existed at all, and moved on. This guy, man... he takes the cake. Not only does he lie about being married, he denied his children, and gave you a fake name on top of that? You really did fall for a guy who doesn't exist. Put that imaginary guy you fell for to rest, and you owe this real guy NOTHING. Nada. Even if his wife calls, and you spill everything - you still won't be responsible for wrecking his marriage. He is doing that all on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 I'll stop thanking you all individually for your replies- but thanks so much! Its helping me already! The level of deception he spun me is so extreme I'm embarassed to tell you all about it. He told me he was a climber - away for weeks and weeks on end up mountains. On two occasions pretended to be his friend telling me he was in serios trouble. Only two weeks ago I recieved a text message saying that they touught he was dead. I didnt see him often, only when he was "home" and it made for fantastic reunions. Evidently he spun me this libe as getting away from a wife with 2 young children isnt easy. I dont know who he is. He said he had never been in love and never wanted children. Wants to do nothing but climb. I tried to accept him for who (i thought) he was - but spent many nights seriosly worried he was dead. I lost a child - he knows this. I could not entertain the idea that he was lying to me about being dead. Its like he has created a whole fantasy life which I was part of. The whole thing is so extreme that even in trawling the internet I havent found anything quite like this ! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I'll stop thanking you all individually for your replies- but thanks so much! Its helping me already! The level of deception he spun me is so extreme I'm embarassed to tell you all about it. He told me he was a climber - away for weeks and weeks on end up mountains. On two occasions pretended to be his friend telling me he was in serios trouble. Only two weeks ago I recieved a text message saying that they touught he was dead. I didnt see him often, only when he was "home" and it made for fantastic reunions. Evidently he spun me this libe as getting away from a wife with 2 young children isnt easy. I dont know who he is. He said he had never been in love and never wanted children. Wants to do nothing but climb. I tried to accept him for who (i thought) he was - but spent many nights seriosly worried he was dead. I lost a child - he knows this. I could not entertain the idea that he was lying to me about being dead. Its like he has created a whole fantasy life which I was part of. The whole thing is so extreme that even in trawling the internet I havent found anything quite like this ! Wow - this guy should be writing 'movie of the week' scripts - he's got such a creative imagination! Dead? Jeez, he must have been concerned he was about to get caught, and figured faking his own death would be a good way to end things with you...until you tried to find out when the funeral was...oh, but he gave you a fake name, so you wouldn't ever find him. Yeesh! Most guys just lie by sticking as close to the truth as possible - it's more believable and they have less to remember, and fewer things to trip them up. Perhaps that's his fantasy life he really wishes he were living - climbing the peaks all over the world, and then hot sex when he gets back from his perilous adventures. He sounds like an adrenaline junkie - hence, the excitement of an affair to enliven his life as a father and husband. I feel sorry for his family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 I do believe that that is the life that he wishes he is living - I dont think he was pretending to be dead to call things off with me - it was to reel me in, get me hooked, as both times this happened it wasnt long before news came that he had managed to survive the storm and was breaking out to the summit etc etc. I told his wife that he had told me that he was a mountianeer - she said he hill walks! After I stopped crying I admit I did laugh a bit. I think I need a lobotomy - despite all the lies and deciet I'm still devestaed at the thought of not seeing him again! The only way I can hang on to my dignity is not to contact him, and hope this passes. The guy I fell for dosent exist. Hard one to get my head around! PLUS I'm hoping to god that he will miss me etc etc and get in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Maybe you could tell yourself that he really did fall off one of those mountains in a storm. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Sometimes they do get back in touch, but not until they have gaslighted and lied to the wife enough to get her to back off, and the dust clears. The question is: are you going to let him? You managed to dodge a bullet enough for it to graze you. You go back to him, and you'll catch it right between the eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Does it matter if he misses you or not? Bottomline is this...If he calls you and (if) he asks you to continue the A, will you? Or will you tell him to go screw himself? If he was a single man, who lied to you for 8 months and then you found out he lied to you about something major, enough that it was devastating to you (say he hide a major drug problem or he had a STD) would you even consider seeing him again, let alone dating him again? Fact that this guy lied to you about being married should be enough in itself to make you go the other way. Link to post Share on other sites
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I'mStunned, I'm really genuinely sorry that you were dealt such a sh*tty hand. For 8 solid months someone CONNED you, manipulated you, lied to you over and over and over again, and showed you ZERO respect. It was done with malicious intent because in order to pull that off for that long, it took ALOT of effort. Don't make the fatal mistake of being FLATTERED by that. You should be SICKENED by it. If I were in your shoes, not only would I NOT lie for that sorry sack of sh*t, but I'd personally rip his head off and shove it up his a*ss. You seriously need to step back and LOOK at what this lying piece of FILTH has done. You don't owe this parasite ANYTHING. Don't lie for him, don't pity him and for the love of all that is holy, do NOT feel a shred of loyalty to him because it's VERY apparent that he NEVER cared about YOU or your welfare. Why would you even WANT this scumbag to contact you? Obviously you know his real name now and I think with a little effort, you could certainly find his wife again. I'd call her and tell her everything this piece of garbage has done. EVERYTHING. And I'd back it up with emails, pictures, anything you've got. And then if you're real lucky, she'll send you this LOSER'S nuts encased in a block of cement so you can use it as a paperweight. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 The level of deception he spun me is so extreme I'm embarassed to tell you all about it. ... <snip>I dont know who he is. ... <snip> Its like he has created a whole fantasy life which I was part of. imstunned, it sounds like he doesn't know who he is either. He's building a fantasy persona and a fantasy life alongside his real one and shuffling between the two. I'm not a professional shrink, but this sounds to me dangerously like some kind of personality disorder. Many men, both MM and SGs, weave lies to land women they find attractive. This goes way beyond that. This guy has constructed an entire alternate reality, complete with a different identity. If Arnold Schwarzenegger really believed he was the Terminator, we'd all think he was a bit whack. And if you fell in love with the Terminator and woke up to find Arnold Schwarzenegger in your bed, you'd understandably be disappointed. He's admitted he's lied to you - because "it's hard" - for HIM. He hasn't stopped to think how hard it is for YOU, or for anyone else. You may love him, but it sounds more like you love the fantasy he's created. You can play along, and be part of that game, but you'll have to accept that it's only a game and not reality. Can he sustain that fantasy? It sounds not, given the shuttling back and forth between that and his real life. Sooner or later something's going to snap SERIOUSLY. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I'm new. This is my first post. I have been reading the posts on the forums since I discovered I am the other woman two weeks ago. Since then his wife has called me after discovering my texts and records of my phone calls to his cell phone. I hadnt even got my head around the fact that he was married. It would appear that only some of my texts were on his phone - if they were all there then there would be no need to ask me anything, as some were saucy. I was so in shock that I cant even recall what she asked but I lied and said nothing happened. That it was just texts, and phone calls. She called me on Saturday. Its Monday. He seems to have vanished. What caused her to find out now? I'm totally reeling, and feel so so stupid, however am finding it very very hard to let go. To me this felt like the beginnings of a lovely relationship (met him around 8 months ago) but now am suddenly facing the idea of never seeing him again. Im hurt and confunsed. I also have no idea if he will contact me again. I dont know what to expect or what to do. Please be kind. Thanks What most ppl will say is leave him, he lied, he is no good. Which is probably the truth. He didn't get you right. Dealing with it from a more realistic perpective; is they only see one of side of the man. You see the other side which is probably kind and loving and a good connection ect. Walking away is not that easy once you have made that connection and you feeling him and he is feeling you. It just not always reality for either of you to walk away that easy. He got a part of you and you got a part him. One thing I can say I have seen one man be somebody's husband and somebody else's man. Its just a fact of life. You have to make you own decisions. I do feel for you and I am sure he is not gone anywhere. He will be back begging he can't live without you. We don't know what he going thru in the house with his wife or if he is just a player. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancee Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I'mStunned, I'm really genuinely sorry that you were dealt such a sh*tty hand. For 8 solid months someone CONNED you, manipulated you, lied to you over and over and over again, and showed you ZERO respect. It was done with malicious intent because in order to pull that off for that long, it took ALOT of effort. Don't make the fatal mistake of being FLATTERED by that. You should be SICKENED by it. If I were in your shoes, not only would I NOT lie for that sorry sack of sh*t, but I'd personally rip his head off and shove it up his a*ss. You seriously need to step back and LOOK at what this lying piece of FILTH has done. You don't owe this parasite ANYTHING. Don't lie for him, don't pity him and for the love of all that is holy, do NOT feel a shred of loyalty to him because it's VERY apparent that he NEVER cared about YOU or your welfare. Why would you even WANT this scumbag to contact you? Obviously you know his real name now and I think with a little effort, you could certainly find his wife again. I'd call her and tell her everything this piece of garbage has done. EVERYTHING. And I'd back it up with emails, pictures, anything you've got. And then if you're real lucky, she'll send you this LOSER'S nuts encased in a block of cement so you can use it as a paperweight. I admire your style. Lol, it feels so real and it feels like the thing to do. But I could never break her( his wife) heart like that. She hasn't done nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Hi all, thanks for the replies again. I managed to sleep a bit last night which is a start I guess. Somebody said does it matter to me if he misses me? yes it does - VERY much. I am wondering if he is wondering if I am going to get in touch with him the same as I am wondering if he will with me. And sadly I'm not sickened by his lies, at the moment I'm just very hurt. To believe that he didnt give a rats arse about me will hurt me so much and mean I have to accept the time we spent together wasnt real. I cant do that. Its the only thing that was real. I'll have a better chance of picking myself up from this if I can at least beleive that he did like me and not see me a some kind of free whore. I have plenty of people shouting at me in my own life in frustration at the fact that I want to hear from him, am struggling not to get in touch with him, etc - clearly I too have my issues. BUT I cant change who I am or the way I feel. I would be delighted to hear from him, but doubt I will. I have made a deal with myself that if I still feel I want to contact him in 2 weeks time then I will let myself. If I feel I can hold off then I will - for another 2 weeks. Untill I am strong enough to say - "Hey I dont care anymore". Link to post Share on other sites
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Dear lady, you've been used and abused so badly I'm just surprised you still have any feelings for him. Please get over that sc*mb*g as soon as you can and restart life with a fresh outlook asap. Just forget about him. Just do it. Just. Do. It. Just my two bits .. Bobby Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 What you are feeling is fairly normal. He left while you were at the height of passion, and feelings like the ones you have do not just turn off. Sometimes they are irrational. Even lying, cheating conmen like the guy who pulled one over on you - and heck, even murderers and rapists - they have women who love them desperately despite every logical reason not to. Sometimes love makes no sense. Eventually you will hit an anger stage. You will become as pissed off as you are hurt. Your fog will clear, and you'll begin to see things as they really are. Just be aware, that if this guy comes slinking back, and you let him - you will forfeit any chance you have at true happiness for as long as you allow him to keep you around. Its a roller coaster, but nothing says you have to get back on it. Particularly when you know how dangerous it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks guys. The forum is a support, but at the moment I'm going through a new thing of being tortured by the reality that he is a husband and a father. I think it is just starting to sink in. I cant stop thinking of what his wife looks like - pretty, slim, probably young etc - wondering what their relationship is like, imagining him taking his vows (small comfort that he was only 19!!). . .it makes me feel sick. I tried not to scare him off with my own domestic situation (ie small child) thinking he would probably feel trapped - young guy and all, and all the time he was off back to his own wife and kids. I feel like somebody has ripped my heart out and is jumping up and down on it. For me I am showing strength in not contacting him, but I'm still checking my phone frequently to see if he has been in touch with me. I'm wondering just how long it will take for me to accept he wont be getting in touch. I have read threads on here of MM getting back in touch after months. . . I should be able to say stuff you, you jerk!! But I cant. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 You want him to get back in touch? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 You want him to get back in touch? Why? Because if he dosent it means i am NOTHING to him and that hurts, because I will miss him, because I the thought of not seeing him again is too painful. Link to post Share on other sites
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