Discovered I'm the other woman

[reboot]

Because if he dosent it means i am NOTHING to him and that hurts, because I will miss him, because I the thought of not seeing him again is too painful.

Ok, I had to go back and read the thread again to make sure I hadn't replied to the wrong one.

[imstunned]

Is this where it starts to get nasty - because people cant understand WHY i would want to see him again. I wish i could be like all you women who would kick him to the curb - evidently I'm not. But does that mean that I'm not allowed support through this?

[reboot]

I didn't say anything nasty. I just can't imagine you not loving yourself more than this. This guy is pond scum, sorry. That's no reflection on you; I just think you deserve better.

 

If you ask for advice, you should be prepared to get it. And it's not always going to be what you want to hear.

[whichwayisup]

You haven't hit the anger stage yet, you're still in shock and in alot of pain, that is evident...

 

The thing is, right now you're not thinking clearly, you can't see him in the light that some of us see him in, and that's okay.. You need to go through this at your own pace. Noone can force you into doing anything, but we can suggest various things to help you as much as we can.

 

All I suggest right now is, don't go running into his arms and say everything can go back the way it was if he does call or try to see you.

[Havn_a_life]

You might consider calling his wife back and telling her the truth. It's not on you if you didn't even know he was married, and she deserves to know what he's been doing. And like luvmy2ns said, he's probably going to just move on to another OW.

 

Yeah, this sounds like a good idea. You didn't know he was M.

[OWoman]

Is this where it starts to get nasty - because people cant understand WHY i would want to see him again. I wish i could be like all you women who would kick him to the curb - evidently I'm not. But does that mean that I'm not allowed support through this?

 

imstunned - I missed what happened in the interim (work, sigh!) and it's been deleted now, but if people are being attacking or nasty (note - not just disagreeing), use the "alert" button below those posts and report them. Looks like someone else has, anyway.

 

Seeing him again I can fully understand. You want answers, you want confirmation of where you stand with him and you want some kind of closure. But be prepared that seeing him again might not provide you with any of this, that you might be left more confused than ever and might wish you hadn't, afterward. Go into it with your eyes open, if you do see him.

 

I do think he has issues that he'd best resolve in counselling, to sort out his own confusion before he can give you the answers you want. But that will take time, and right now you have your own confusion and your own issues to deal with. Perhaps as a first step you need to think carefully about what it is you want. Do you want to continue a relationship with him as an OW, knowing he's married? Would you hope he would leave his family and integrate all of his lives into one, with you? Do you want to walk away? Bearing in mind what he wants may not be what you want, and what he wants may also not be possible given his family situation, so what he may SAY he wants and what his actions deliver may also not be the same thing.

 

If he phones, would you speak to him, or is it enough for you just to know he's calling, he's not thrown you under a bus, you matter to him?

[imstunned]

I didn't say anything nasty. I just can't imagine you not loving yourself more than this. This guy is pond scum, sorry. That's no reflection on you; I just think you deserve better.

 

If you ask for advice, you should be prepared to get it. And it's not always going to be what you want to hear.

 

Sorry - I know you were not nasty, my emotions are all over the place and I'm a bit defensive I guess. I appreciate all the advice, there isnt any one I can talk to about this in my real life, so this is a life line for me right now.

[greengoddess]

Sorry - I know you were not nasty, my emotions are all over the place and I'm a bit defensive I guess. I appreciate all the advice, there isnt any one I can talk to about this in my real life, so this is a life line for me right now.

 

 

That statement right there should give you your answer. I'm sorry I know you didn't know so now that you do you know what you have to do.

 

Why can't you talk to someone in real life? You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's not your fault. I think you should tell real life people it will help you to not want to continue it. Do you see how painful it is not to talk to someone? Well that's what your whole relationship will be now that you know he is married. You will never be able to talk about it. Grieve and move on. You'll be happier in the end.

[reboot]

Him being married is only the tip of the iceberg here. The person you fell in love with doesn't even exist. You didn't even know his real name. I mean, we could argue over whether you should be with a married guy or not, but this guy is delusional. He thinks he's Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible or something. He pretends to be his own friend, and tries to convince you he died. C'mon, that's some scary shiznitz.

[imstunned]

O woman - nothing was deleted, I was just being hyper sensitive. I dont know what I want - it didnt go further than me wanting him. But thats why I lied to his wife, if leaving her is even in the equation (which I dont believe it is) I want him to do it because he chooses to - not because of the spanner that I threw into the works which caused her to throw him out. I probably would talk to him if he called, texted or e-mailed, I just want to feel that I matter to him. . that may be enough. I feel like I have been binned, and its horrible.

 

I cant imagine what I am going to feel when I hit the anger stage - its bubbling under the surface, I'm still replyaing every minute we had together and every sorry text and lie, and its playing out differently now I know that he was married the whole time - he was already setting me up for not being here for Christmas. As we had said that we were in a relationship together he knew that me wanting to spend more time with him was comming, and he was planning ahead - even to next year, permits for this mountian, climbs on another etc.

 

I am telling people in my real life but they get angry with me when I dont answer when they ask what I will do if he gets in touch. So I have stopped talking about it as I'm upset enough with out friends shouting at me! I undersatand their frustration, I'd be saying the same to me if I were my friend, but it dosent feel so simple from where I am sitting. It feels like a bit fat mess.

[Havn_a_life]

O woman - nothing was deleted, I was just being hyper sensitive. I dont know what I want - it didnt go further than me wanting him. But thats why I lied to his wife, if leaving her is even in the equation (which I dont believe it is) I want him to do it because he chooses to - not because of the spanner that I threw into the works which caused her to throw him out. I probably would talk to him if he called, texted or e-mailed, I just want to feel that I matter to him. . that may be enough. I feel like I have been binned, and its horrible.

 

I cant imagine what I am going to feel when I hit the anger stage - its bubbling under the surface, I'm still replyaing every minute we had together and every sorry text and lie, and its playing out differently now I know that he was married the whole time - he was already setting me up for not being here for Christmas. As we had said that we were in a relationship together he knew that me wanting to spend more time with him was comming, and he was planning ahead - even to next year, permits for this mountian, climbs on another etc.

 

I am telling people in my real life but they get angry with me when I dont answer when they ask what I will do if he gets in touch. So I have stopped talking about it as I'm upset enough with out friends shouting at me! I undersatand their frustration, I'd be saying the same to me if I were my friend, but it dosent feel so simple from where I am sitting. It feels like a bit fat mess.

 

After what you've said about his behavior, I wouldn't want him at all. Liar doesn't even cover what he is.

You can find someone better than this, and wouldn't lie to you.

 

I'd go out and start looking. You can always check the next guy out before it gets serious. There's plenty of avenues to go down. I just wouldn't walk down that street again. Good luck, sincerely. You seem like a decent girl.

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, if you're looking to him to answer your questions, to get closure from him, you may not get that. Somehow, with time on your side, the answers will come from within yourself.

 

This man isn't who he projected himself to be. A person who does what he did to you is messed up in the head and isn't an honest person.

 

For theraputic use only, write him a bunch of letters but do not send them! By doing this, you'll be getting your feelings out, your pain and feeling of betrayal out of your system, and it will help you get closure.

[imstunned]

I guess I am looking for answers. Its only been four days since I found out for sure that he had never been away -- what I really want to know is did he spin this big lie so he could see me, or so that he didnt have to see me? Did he like me at all? I simply dont understand.

 

I guess I am perhaps trying to make sense of nonsense. Its just like WTF????? over and over again in my head. I'm STILL checking my phone to see if he has texted me. And I still hurt when I see nothing.

 

I can see that the person I fell for dosent exist - he was a lovely guy, but letting go of him is very hard.

[whichwayisup]

What if he is a sociopath? I say this for your own safety, but let's say you never hear from him again...Think of that as a big positive! This man messed with your life KNOWING full well he was a married man. His behaviour, the TYPE of lies he told you, were disturbing...It was just so wrong and plain cruel.

 

You are right, the person you fell for, doesn't exist.

[norajane]

I guess I am looking for answers. Its only been four days since I found out for sure that he had never been away -- what I really want to know is did he spin this big lie so he could see me, or so that he didnt have to see me? Did he like me at all? I simply dont understand.

 

I guess I am perhaps trying to make sense of nonsense. Its just like WTF????? over and over again in my head. I'm STILL checking my phone to see if he has texted me. And I still hurt when I see nothing.

 

I can see that the person I fell for dosent exist - he was a lovely guy, but letting go of him is very hard.

 

He spun some of the lies so he could see you - the omission that he was married.

 

He spun some of the lies so he had an explanation for why he couldn't see you for long stretches of time - all the climbing trips served as explanation for when he couldn't get away from his home life to see you.

 

He spun some of the lies because he maybe wishes he were living this rock star climber lifestyle, and he wanted to appear really cool - all the making it up to the peak stuff.

 

And he spun some of the lies because there's something very wrong with him - the fake near-death scenarios to garner sympathy and worry...and probably to aggrandize his climbs so he appears even more of a daredevil.

 

The man is sick. Truly sick. Feel sorry for his wife and kids because they are stuck with him - at least, until his wife finally learns what a sicko he is and either kicks him out or forces him into serious therapy. And be happy that you found out sooner rather than later. You could have spent Christmas pining away for him. You could have wasted another year of your life falling even deeper for a guy that's got more than one screw loose.

[imstunned]

Thanks girls. I'm struggling today BIG TIME. its taking everything I have not to contact him via his e-mail. I'm almost certain that I will end up caving in and contacting him and wonder if I should just get it over with and then be done with it. I feel like I cant move forward as I just dont know if he will be in touch or not, sometimes I feel convinced that he will be and other times I feel convinced that he wont. Its making me feel stuck.

 

At least if I contacted him and he ignored me I'd be a step further down the line rather than caving in with my next glass of wine? I dont feel stronger with the passing of time, I feel weaker and weaker as the days go by.

 

And - I dont know what I would say, or what I hope to achieve - I just want to be in contact with him.

 

x

[LucreziaBorgia]

I can understand what you are going through. The guy you fell in love with doesn't exist, but he is still very real in your heart. I would advise against contacting him. You will not magically find that guy again on the other end of an email. You are still in denial, and you may well be for a while. Contacting him will not help you. In fact it will end up being the first step you take at contributing toward something that will destroy you.

 

Try to fill your time with distracting things to keep yourself from contacting him. Losing a person is easy. Losing the hopes/expectations/dreams you had built around that person is not.

[Havn_a_life]

I think contacting him will just drag it all back up. If he does answer, he'll just want that one thing from you.

You're better than that, if you want to be. It's up to you.

People here have given you some really good advice. I'd take it.

 

This guy isn't worth your time. I can't stand liars, so that right there would give me the strength to stop having anything to do with him.

[frannie]

And sadly I'm not sickened by his lies, at the moment I'm just very hurt. To believe that he didnt give a rats arse about me will hurt me so much and mean I have to accept the time we spent together wasnt real. I cant do that. Its the only thing that was real. I'll have a better chance of picking myself up from this if I can at least beleive that he did like me and not see me a some kind of free whore. I have plenty of people shouting at me in my own life in frustration at the fact that I want to hear from him, am struggling not to get in touch with him, etc - clearly I too have my issues.

 

BUT I cant change who I am or the way I feel. I would be delighted to hear from him, but doubt I will. I have made a deal with myself that if I still feel I want to contact him in 2 weeks time then I will let myself. If I feel I can hold off then I will - for another 2 weeks. Untill I am strong enough to say - "Hey I dont care anymore".

 

On the contrary, I think there's every likelihood that he will get back in touch with you, and I think you've very very vulnerable right now. There's another long-time poster on here (Green Eyed Lady) who was lied to in similar fashion to you for over a year. Hopefully she'll see your thread at some point and respond. So far from being unusual, it is actually very, very common for the MM to lie about being married for a considerable time at the beginning of the affair. So don't feel that you're alone or that no one will be able to relate.

 

I can well understand, at least, the need to grasp onto the 'reality' of what you thought you had, and the desire to make all the lies go away, all the pain and disappointment, and the reeling feeling that you've been living a dream, a nothingness for so long. This is why I said you were vulnerable right now... because human beings will definitely accept the balm of 'explanation's in order to avoid pain, rather than face the horrible nature of what is really out there. It's the same way for a BS, faced with the truth of what their WS has done... far, far easier to listen to his apologies and explanations than believe that there was anything real in the relationship he shared for so long with another woman...

 

... it's just human nature.

 

And you really need to talk to people about it. Face the embarrassment (if you're feeling that, and I guess you might be... the wonderful boyfriend turned out to be what, a liar... married..?)... the dashed hopes, the fact that you were taken in by a skilful liar. Face all those things you might be wanting to run away from. And of course... what is worse, face the fact that someone you trusted (no reason not to after all...), spent time with, looked into the eyes of... all those things... at base was nothing, no one, a figment... that hurts most of all. And not only hurts but challenges your entire belief in human beings at the moment... how can you trust again..??

 

Far, far easier to take that call from him, listen to his 'reasons'... and see him again.

 

But... what is best for you, in the longrun..? And do you have the courage, energy, and will to do that..?

[Trimmer]

I guess I am looking for answers. Its only been four days since I found out for sure that he had never been away -- what I really want to know is did he spin this big lie so he could see me, or so that he didnt have to see me? Did he like me at all? I simply dont understand.

 

Somebody said does it matter to me if he misses me? yes it does - VERY much. I am wondering if he is wondering if I am going to get in touch with him the same as I am wondering if he will with me.

 

And sadly I'm not sickened by his lies, at the moment I'm just very hurt. To believe that he didnt give a rats arse about me will hurt me so much and mean I have to accept the time we spent together wasnt real.

 

I think one thing that is happening is that you were seeing yourself reflected through the mirror of your relationship. It's one of the wonderful things about a relationship - to know that you are wanted, desired, attractive - and basking in that reflection is part of the rush.

 

Then, once he is found to be a phony, you realize the mirror was broken, and you are no longer sure if the reflection you saw really validates your attractiveness, your value.... Was it real? Am I really desirable?

 

He wasn't real, and he never will be again. Accepting that part will hurt.

 

You, however, are real, and valuable, and desirable. Accepting that he was a fake does not take that away from you.

 

I'll have a better chance of picking myself up from this if I can at least beleive that he did like me and not see me a some kind of free whore.

Don't confuse his phoniness with your own value as a person. What he gave you was fake, phony, untrustworthy. But don't let that shake your foundations, because what you offered was absolutely real and honest to the core.

 

What he thinks, what he did, whether he still thinks about you or not is NOT a reflection on you - remember, that mirror was broken the whole time.

 

You offered the best of yourself, with honesty, hope, and good faith. The fact that he betrayed your trust doesn't define or diminsh what you did or who you are.

 

The other reason I point this out is that you have been brought, against your will, to a crossroads. To this point, you have acted in absolutely good faith - offered, as I said above, "the best of yourself" with honesty and innocence.

 

In your thirst to find out "what he thinks" and whether he was really interested in you or not, you may be tempted to move forward with some kind of relationship with him - maybe it starts with "just talking," but where are you, really, if you take even that first step? My point is, make sure you understand your motivations as you go forward.

 

Be honest with yourself. If your interest in him mostly serves to validate your own view of yourself (am I desirable, am I an attractive partner?) and to soothe the damage done to that self-image, then beware, because that drive, strong though it may be, may lead you somewhere you wouldn't normally have gone.

 

So I would recommend you focus as much as possible, not on how it will make you feel to be validated again by his attention, but on whether this lying, betraying, deceitful, hurtful (pretending he was dying?), married man - which you now know him to be - is really any kind of an attractive partner to you.

 

You are at a crossroads; you don't deserve to have been brought here. I'm not saying this to be preachy, but for your own sake: be very careful the next steps you take. The idea of talking to him to figure things out or "make it easier" may not be as simple as it seems.

 

Besides, he's proven that he can and will spin tall tales to manipulate your emotions; no matter what he says, could you trust anything he would tell you anyway?

[imstunned]

Thank you for your replies. You all have very wise words to share. I can only hope that in time I can be so wise as at the moment ALL I WANT is this man and to want him to want me. He dosent and I am devestaed. I am amazed that I didnt cave in and contact him. I have been hovering over my e-mails from him for alot of the day. Its only a matter of time. I know I will give in. Tomorrow, next week, or in a month, I just know it. And then he will ignore me and show me just what a worthless piece of cr*p he thinks I am.

 

I feel pathetic.

[Havn_a_life]

Thank you for your replies. You all have very wise words to share. I can only hope that in time I can be so wise as at the moment ALL I WANT is this man and to want him to want me. He dosent and I am devestaed. I am amazed that I didnt cave in and contact him. I have been hovering over my e-mails from him for alot of the day. Its only a matter of time. I know I will give in. Tomorrow, next week, or in a month, I just know it. And then he will ignore me and show me just what a worthless piece of cr*p he thinks I am.

 

I feel pathetic.

 

You do have a choice to make.

IMO, if you make the choice to see him again, it will only bring you pain and hurt. You'll have to look at him and see him for what he is. He himself has put that seed of doubt in your mind and heart.

I don't see him being sincere enough to try and make up for it.

[imstunned]

Hello. I have woken this monring to be very glad that I didnt contact him yesterday. However I spent most of the night when I should have been asleep remembering other things that have been said etc in the past that I have forgotten about. Each new realisation brings me more confusion, and its starting to frustrate the hell out of me as its making me go round in circles rather than allow me to feel like I'm letting it go and move forward even slightly.

 

I'm also every now and then getting VERY VERY angry and am tempted to call his wife and tell her what a sack of S**T this guy is - from what I can gather his youngest baby was around 3 months old when we met! Then I get upset again as imagine him putting his baby to sleep or carrying it in a sling. He looked me in the eye and said he NEVER WANTED CHILDREN, that a life with a wife and kids didnt appeal to him at all - that he just wanted to climb!!!

 

I thought he was THE nicest guy I had ever met, have never felt passion like I did with him and now its all gone. I cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Thank you all for your support so far. I am very glad I found this forum.

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

I'm also every now and then getting VERY VERY angry and am tempted to call his wife and tell her what a sack of S**T this guy is

 

You could do that, but nothing would come of it. An accomplished liar like this would have no trouble lying his way out of it, and making you out to be some deranged psycho. Unless you have undeniable proof, I wouldn't bother. Even then, he still could probably lie his way out of it.

[imstunned]

The temptation to call his wife is so fleeting I'd never ever do it. I lied through my teeth to her saying nothing happened.

 

I didnt think it possible but today is even worse for me than yesterday. Why cant I move on. Why cant I let it go. I am arguing with EVERYONE. Nobody seems to be able to help me through it they are just getting angry with me as I am not really angry with him. They dont seem to understand why I am upset, that it is important to me that he liked me, that I feel stuck and dont know how to move forward. I'm really struggling to accept that he wont be contacting me - and I'm fed up already of using all my energy fighting the urge to get in touch with him. I feel EXHAUSTED.

 

I literally do not know what to with myself.