Discovered I'm the other woman

[Havn_a_life]

I dont feel like I have any lucky stars to thank. I think he is a bit messed up but i dont really think he has a persontality disorder. I have no idea what goes on in his head though, not a clue. Perhaps low self esteem? I just feel lost. And everyday that I fight the urge to contact him I am getting more and more tired. Isnt he thinking of me too?

 

If this guy convinced you for how long that he was a sigle free livin' guy who lived to climb mountains, yeah, I could venture so far as to judge him to have some kind of personality disorder.

 

You know, at the end of the day, you will do what you want to do.

There have been some really good ppl here who's given you advice about this guy.

You should reread through the posts and and especially your own replies.

This guy disrespected you the day he made out like he was a free spirit with no W or family to be responsible for.

Truly, good luck with your situation. Thoughts and prayers your way!

[GreenEyedLady]

I dont feel like I have any lucky stars to thank. I think he is a bit messed up but i dont really think he has a persontality disorder. I have no idea what goes on in his head though, not a clue. Perhaps low self esteem? I just feel lost. And everyday that I fight the urge to contact him I am getting more and more tired. Isnt he thinking of me too?

 

I've been reading your last posts...

 

He probably is thinking about you...His W knows about you, so she's watching him like a hawk...

 

You need to sit back and wait...Do not contact him...

 

It makes you look desperate and needy and will drive him away...

 

If you wait it out, the odds are in favor of him will contacting you...When he does that, the ball is in your court...

 

Just bide your time, if you really want to be with him...

[imstunned]

Thank you once again for your support. Last night was a difficult one for me, but I didnt cave in. All your advice is excellent, but GEL it is your post that will give me the strength not to contact him. Rightly or wrongly I do want to be with him, or at least see him again, and I dont want to appear desperate and needy. I also get great comfort from the idea that he is thinking about me too.

 

I was reading through a HUGE thread on the infidelity board from a man called Matty who just couldnt get the OW out of his head. Now there is no way of knowing if there are any similarities between him and my MM but it brought me some comfort.

 

Thanks again

[OWoman]

I was reading through a HUGE thread on the infidelity board from a man called Matty who just couldnt get the OW out of his head. Now there is no way of knowing if there are any similarities between him and my MM but it brought me some comfort.

 

Matty got hunted to extinction by some saddos who couldn't accept that a man could love an OW and his W, and could want to defend his OW when his W called her nasty names. I've been around the block enough times to know that it is PERFECTLY POSSIBLE for some MM to love both W and his OW, and in cases like your MM, stunned, I'm sure it was even easier because of the way he partitioned his life so neatly into different identities. I don't doubt he loved you. I don't doubt he's thinking of you.

 

But for you, your focus should be on yourself, and what you want for the future. You say you want to be with him, or at least see him - you need to decide under what conditions you'd want to do that, what you're prepared to compromise on and what for you is not negotiable. You should use this time out to figure out where you stand on things, so that if and when he contacts you, you're not caught off-guard, wondering what to say and how to react.

 

It sounds like you're doing great!

[imstunned]

I'm still reading through Matts posts - quite alot there - I didnt relaise that he never came back. That seems like a shame. He seems like he was just being honest.

 

I doubt that the feelings my MM had for me were any where near love, somteimes I think he used me for sex, and other times I allow myself to believe that the connection I felt between us was real. I have never ever felt passion or desire like I did with him, on both our parts. Can I allow mysef to believe this was real? Evidently this was a physical affair - I wonder if thats an easy thing for a guy to walk away from. IT sure as hell isnt proving to be easy for me!

[Bobby NoBrains]

Heh, I was actually thinking yesterday that your post is like mattym's and you just don't want to let go. Oh well, folks will still try to help, cause you did ask for it. The majority perception will remain that someone who took you for a ride like that doesn't deserve the time of day from you.

 

However, you are the best judge of what you want from your life, and if having him in your life is what you want, wth, good luck I suppose.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[GreenEyedLady]

Thank you once again for your support. Last night was a difficult one for me, but I didnt cave in. All your advice is excellent, but GEL it is your post that will give me the strength not to contact him. Rightly or wrongly I do want to be with him, or at least see him again, and I dont want to appear desperate and needy. I also get great comfort from the idea that he is thinking about me too.

 

Stay strong, my friend! Patience is a virtue...If you want to be with him, just wait it out...In my experience, they eventually always contact you again...Sometimes sooner, sometimes later...

 

As for now, be deciding what you want out of a R...and then accept nothing less...

[imstunned]

Bobby - you have hit the nail on the head really. Despite it all I dont want to let it go. Hence why its so hard. I know I SHOULD, but its the last thing I want to do. Perhaps its denial, after all It was pretty recently that I found he was married, and then only a week ago that she called and since I have clearly been thrown under the bus.

 

I can only hope that with time my feelings for him will fade, but in the meantime I'm jumping out of my skin with every text and my heart beats so fast when I check my mail. If I felt that given time he would be in touch I would perhaps be able to relax a little. But I'm not convinced he will be. After all its Chrsitmas comming up etc. This just sucks.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope you can find the strength to let go, and not pay too much attention to stuff you read that gives you false hope. People tend to read into stuff they want to see, and apply it to their own situation regardless of how unlike the situations are. Its a part of the grief process. It is what sends people scouring the internet for alternative cures for diseases that have no known cure. Why people who are morbidly obese will search and search for the magic pill to make them lose weight. Don't let hope be the thing that undoes you.

 

With time you will be able to detach. Don't look at every day with the attitude that "today is the day he might contact me". Look at it with the attitude of "today is the Xth day its been since he destroyed my heart, and today is another day closer to the day that I will be over him forever".

[sb129]

Bobby - you have hit the nail on the head really. Despite it all I dont want to let it go. Hence why its so hard. I know I SHOULD, but its the last thing I want to do. Perhaps its denial, after all It was pretty recently that I found he was married, and then only a week ago that she called and since I have clearly been thrown under the bus.

 

I can only hope that with time my feelings for him will fade, but in the meantime I'm jumping out of my skin with every text and my heart beats so fast when I check my mail. If I felt that given time he would be in touch I would perhaps be able to relax a little. But I'm not convinced he will be. After all its Chrsitmas comming up etc. This just sucks.

 

 

Of course you don't want to let things go- to you, at one time, things were great, and if your guy had been telling the truth the whole time, things could have had alot of potential for a relationship. Who wants to give that up?

 

You are grieving for what "could have been", and its very hard to see past that at this point in time when it is so raw and painful for you.

Grief is normal. You have to keep telling yourself that while it is OK to grieve, you are actually grieving for something that doesn't exist- IMO that may actually be harder than a normal R ending, and may take longer to get over- but, in time, you will.

 

The other thing that will make it so hard for you right now is that you really didn't see it coming. When many Rs end, if people are brutally honest with themselves, they can see the warning signs that the R was in trouble, or that it was unhealthy or whatever. you had none of that.

 

I agree with the other posters that NC isn't a reflection on your faults, if anything, your strength at maintaining NC is a very POSITIVE reflection on your character, and the fact that he is not contacting you just reinforces that he is not worthy, not available, and not yours.

 

Sorry if that last bit sounded harsh, but I think you are doing great- much better than I would be in the same situation.

 

Keep it up.

[EnigmaXOXO]

The problem is, the plug was pulled while you were still in that romantic, hazy, crazy getting-to-you “lust” phase of your relationship. You’re having a harder time withdrawing from that endorphin rush because you haven’t had enough time together for that high to eventually subside on it’s own. With time and distance, if you don’t allow yourself to obsess to the point of relapse, you’ll level out and start seeing this situation with more clarity. Especially once you’ve finally worked through the shock and disbelief.

 

Indeed, you were swept away by someone you “thought” you knew, only to find out the real prince in your romantic fairytale was actually a complete stranger. Not the night in shiny armor you imagined him to be at all. What’s more, he has essentially started off by abusing your trust and insulting your intelligence by “tricking” you into a relationship with him through lies ... be they deliberate or lies by omission. That’s hardly the actions of someone who respects and cares about you. Despite all the sweet-talk and gas lighting. If you love and respect yourself ... you should never, ever permit someone to manipulate you like that, let alone invite them back to twist your head up some more.

 

He’s pulled quite a number on you, and sadly, that’s the real face of the man underneath your romantic fog. And that’s part that can’t be rewritten, undone or omitted no matter how much you wish it were so. You’re worth SO MUCH MORE than being treated by someone like that.

[sb129]

Enigma- your post was right on.

 

Thats exactly what I was trying to say, you said it better...

[imstunned]

 

the fact that he is not contacting you just reinforces that he is not worthy, not available, and not yours.

 

Sorry if that last bit sounded harsh, but I think you are doing great- much better than I would be in the same situation.

 

Keep it up.

 

I feel like giving up. I cant accept that I mean so little to him for him not to contact me at all. I'm not doing well at all. I'm sitting here in tears. I feel totally pathetic. I'm tortured by the thought of him being with his wife and kids. Happy bloomin families. Makes me feel sick. I'm sick of crying, not eating and not sleeping. Every day is like a living hell. I just want it to go away.

 

And I'm so tired of fighting the desire to contact him. So, so tired. I still think that I am so sure I will do it that I may as well get it over with. Then people said I will look like a needy and desperate fool. I'm sure he already thinks I'm a complete fool. I fell for all his lies. Even after comming clean about being married he still kept up the story of being away. I was waiting for him to come clean, and then his wife called.

 

I still just dont understand. What on earth did he get out of it all. What was the point.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I still just dont understand. What on earth did he get out of it all. What was the point.

 

He got to live out a fantasy life, and live it (albeit temporarily) with a woman who loved that fantasy version of himself as much as he did. You were part of that false existence, and enhanced the experience for him. When it was time to put away that false existence and go back to reality, he had to put away all parts of it: including you.

 

Does that mean he didn't really love you? I don't think he loved you, so much as he loved the fact that you loved him.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Enigma- your post was right on.

 

Thats exactly what I was trying to say, you said it better...

 

Nah. Just wordier.

 

Wanted to another voice of support to everyone else who have already said the same thing.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm not doing well at all. I'm sitting here in tears. I feel totally pathetic.

 

Hey! Buck up!

 

Not a darn thing to feel pathetic about. There ain’t a woman or man here who hasn’t been bamboozled by someone at one time. And believe me, the more attractive they are, the more crap you’ll put up with.

 

He’s “cute,” isn’t he (???)

 

You’re actually a fast learner, and a whole lot tougher than a lot of folks who are (and have) gone through the same thing.

[sb129]

Hey! Buck up!

 

Not a darn thing to feel pathetic about. There ain’t a woman or man here who hasn’t been bamboozled by someone at one time. And believe me, the more attractive they are, the more crap you’ll put up with.

 

He’s “cute,” isn’t he (???)

 

You’re actually a fast learner, and a whole lot tougher than a lot of folks who are (and have) gone through the same thing.

 

Once again, beaten to it.

 

Stunned, you have every right to feel upset! You innocently massaged that losers ego, as LB said. That doesn't make you a fool at all.

I fell for the lies of a MM once- I know how easy it is to do.

We all want to be loved.

That makes us vulnerable- unfortunately there are a**holes out there who exploit that for their own egotistical gains.. That makes THEM the fools, not you.

 

There are some posters on this site who are STILL ignoring huge red flags and living the life of the "love" deluded despite being repeatedly told otherwise by LSers.

 

You have been here less than a month, and you are smart- your head is heading in the right direction, and your heart will follow it eventually.

 

Crying is normal. Not eating and sleeping (while not great) is also normal.

 

Keep posting..... sending you a smile...

[imstunned]

To say he is cute is an understatement. He is in my eyes totally gorgeous. I feel shallow to have been floored by such good looks. Tall dark and very very handsome - I wasnt long out of a long and unhappy relationship myself when I met him, I loved his attention and the way he smiled at me. He did nothing but literally BEAM at me the night we met. But at the same time he seemed not overly confident - not at all like a player.

 

I do know whats good for me - but at the moment I CANNOT see EVER having that kind of chemistry with another man EVER. Thats why its so hard to let go. It was amazing. I only have to think of him laying his hands on me and my insides twist and lurch all over the sodding place. Its like TORTURE.

 

I would NEVER have got involved with a married man knowingly. Not because of any huge moral stance on it (I belive that an A is a sympton of something wrong in the relationship) - but because I just cant do it. If my MM is quick and gets back to me soon, I may kid myself that I can, but I cant. It KILLS. I had a "fling" with a man who may as well have been married when I was in my mid 20's. He was 41. He was an actor. My god was he bloody gorgeous. We saw each other for a month. Then he went home back to his long term partner. We stayed in touch and I waited for him for a year. A YEAR. I never even saw him again, but still I waited. I waited untill I met my ex then told him to stop calling me. He did - for a few months and then he got back in touch. I ignored him. BUT i never forgot about him, never stopped thinking what if. . .any way I'm rambling, my point is that I am fully aware that they rarely leave their wives or partners (though oddly the of the 3 mairrages I have attended of friends two of them have since divorced due to the husbands affair and BOTH are still with the OW).

 

LB I never ever thought that he loved me - just that he liked me. I just need to beleive that he liked me. Otherwise he may as well have gone to see a whore except I didnt charge.

 

I feel like I have been hit by a ton of bricks, except I keep getting hit by them every day - over and over again.

[sb129]

Tall dark and very very handsome - I wasnt long out of a long and unhappy relationship myself when I met him, I loved his attention and the way he smiled at me. He did nothing but literally BEAM at me the night we met. But at the same time he seemed not overly confident - not at all like a player.

 

I do know whats good for me - but at the moment I CANNOT see EVER having that kind of chemistry with another man EVER. Thats why its so hard to let go. It was amazing. I only have to think of him laying his hands on me and my insides twist and lurch all over the sodding place. Its like TORTURE.

Oh I know how this feels..... I swore up and down that it was chemistry it was this, it was that, all ridiculous justifications for wanting to be with someone who was a MM.

 

I was ON THE REBOUND. I was not long out of a R, and exMM was the first person to show me some attention.

 

sounds like you were in a bad place, this guy made you feel good about yourself while you were still healing from your last R- no WONDER you put him on such a pedestal and are taking this so hard, you probably still haven't gotten over all the other disappointments you have listed.

 

Stunned, I am so so sorry you have had such bad experiences.

 

He most likely did "like" you. Don't take that as consolation though.

 

You need to like YOURSELF. If you do, then who cares if some deluded married loser likes you or not? I get the feeling that you might not like yourself as much as you should, especially now you have posted some more of your history.

 

Granted, this recent disappointment won't be doing much to boost your self esteem....but maybe it will force you to look at the kind of men you are attracted to, and why...

[norajane]

I still just dont understand. What on earth did he get out of it all. What was the point.

 

As others have said, you helped him live his fantasy. You accepted him as he presented himself, and since it would appear that is the lifestyle he wishes he had, he could feel good about himself when he was deep in his fantasy with you. With you, he could forget about marriage and children and all his responsibilities, and just focus on enjoying the times when you did see each other, while indulging in his climber fantasy at the same time.

 

When you think about wanting to 'be with him' what do you think about?

 

He told you from the beginning that he doesn't want to be married and have children, so even if he were to leave his wife (and get some therapy to deal with his delusional fantasies), he's not likely to want to marry you, and I don't think he'd necessarily want much to do with your child, although he'll have to still be a father to his kids. He obviously can't keep up the climber fantasy, so that will no longer be a factor in his interactions with you - do you think you have much to talk about when it's limited to 'real life' rather than the life he pretended he had?

 

Is he a good listener, is he supportive when you need support, is he thoughtful in the way he treats you (if you exclude the whole fake death thing, which I wouldn't but you might)...?

 

What did YOU get out of this relationship? I believe if you really think about it, you'll realize you didn't get much except for a part-time lover, when you probably want a man who has some integrity and honor and can treat you with respect and in a loving way, someone you can introduce to your daughter and your family and friends, someone who can actually be around when you need and want instead of only when he can get away from a wife...

 

What I'm getting at, is if you take away your fantasy of him, and besides the chemistry, what can he really offer that you truly want in a man?

[imstunned]

I honestly wasnt on the rebound, my relationship had dissolved long before we actually separated. And it was me that wanted to split.

 

I have tried to have a long hard look at the kind of men I am attracted to - and here I get a bit lost, as I thought this guy was somebody he isnt, so its hard to look at it properly. He presented himself as a very gentle, polite, warm, caring guy. now I would be the first to admit I am a bit insecure - and people kept on saying "this guy isnt going to be able to give you what you want - he is always away" I felt that was unfair, and narrow minded. I enjoyed spending time with him and wasnt going to try and put the pressure on. I was easy going and open minded. I read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. Look where it bloomin got me!

 

I was also upfront and honest with where I was comming from, i.e I like you and would like to spend time with you while you are (cough cough) "home" = and if thats too much for you then thats ok. I was just myself, and am just not sure how to be next time. I do like myself, I think I am a nice person, I have had plenty of bad experiences in my life to make me very bitter, but I refuse to become like that. And I wont let this make me bitter either, but I just feel so rejected and hurt.

 

Its so important to me that he liked me, he said he did, hell he wanted and affair with me, and its also important to me to think that he may be thinking of me too - and who knows - that he may even miss me one day.

[GreenEyedLady]

I honestly wasnt on the rebound, my relationship had dissolved long before we actually separated. And it was me that wanted to split.

 

I have tried to have a long hard look at the kind of men I am attracted to - and here I get a bit lost, as I thought this guy was somebody he isnt, so its hard to look at it properly. He presented himself as a very gentle, polite, warm, caring guy. now I would be the first to admit I am a bit insecure - and people kept on saying "this guy isnt going to be able to give you what you want - he is always away" I felt that was unfair, and narrow minded. I enjoyed spending time with him and wasnt going to try and put the pressure on. I was easy going and open minded. I read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. Look where it bloomin got me!

 

I was also upfront and honest with where I was comming from, i.e I like you and would like to spend time with you while you are (cough cough) "home" = and if thats too much for you then thats ok. I was just myself, and am just not sure how to be next time. I do like myself, I think I am a nice person, I have had plenty of bad experiences in my life to make me very bitter, but I refuse to become like that. And I wont let this make me bitter either, but I just feel so rejected and hurt.

 

Its so important to me that he liked me, he said he did, hell he wanted and affair with me, and its also important to me to think that he may be thinking of me too - and who knows - that he may even miss me one day.

 

You are personalizing this way too much...This isn't about the type of man you are attracted to, this is about a man that you feel in love with who was married and you didn't know...

 

This is about him...He chose to have an A with you...He saw something in you that made him risk the life he knows to be with you, for a little while...There's no getting around that...And he probably thought you wouldn't see him if you knew he was married, so he lied and took that choice from you...

 

I was also lied to, so I understand where you are coming from...I had these same emotions when I first found out (as well as relief that there wasn't anything wrong with me), and I made peace with them...Don't beat yourself up...Just live and learn...

 

GEL

[EnigmaXOXO]

I isn’t even about your personal stance regarding affairs. That’s merely a symptom of someone who has a propensity towards being dishonest (on a deeper level) as a viable means of “coping.” The only problem with that stradegy is that it fails to take into account the collateral damage it causes to others. Which you are personally experiencing right now. And the more someone convinces themselves that it’s a harmless and practical solution to avoid their problems ... the easier it becomes. Once the pattern has been set, it can be a hard habit to break.

 

For the sake of your own sanity and subsequent “trust issues” that may resurface in future relationships, you don’t want to get tangled up with someone like this. Not if you can avoid it. And I don’t care how “pretty” the packaging is. That’s just there to dazzle, hypnotize and muddle up your head!

It's what's INSIDE the box that counts.

[imstunned]

I hear you - thank you all for your continued and very much needed support. The tears have stopped, for now any way. And I feel less like I am about to go insane than I was half an hour ago.

 

GEL - how did your situation turn out? Did your guy lie to you for the same reasons my MM evidently did (he was right in guessing I wouldnt get involved with a MM) - how did you come to terms with it. Did you beat yourself up about it like I am?

 

norajane - you have asked me some great questions, and I just dont have the answer. I guess I would like a man who has a bit more integrity than to screw around on his wife when she is putting his two kids to bed at home, and who has the balls to leave if he isnt happy. But I'm still processing the fact that the guy I fell for dosent exist - and wondering about who he really is.

 

At a very basic level I'd like to be able to go out in public, hold my mans hand and stay in bed with him all day drinking champagne if I want to. Its NEVR going to happen with him. But that hurts.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Most of your hurt is because it's too new for you. With time the hurt will lessen. It will. With time the anger will come. It will. I'm just worried about the gap until that happens. Sorry, even though I know you want him back, I still want to kick his sorry ass far away from you I can't help it, I feel outraged that he made up such lies. Anyways, give it time. For something like this, time is the best, and sometimes, only healer.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby