Discovered I'm the other woman

[OWoman]

You're doing great, stunned. Keep at it!

[imstunned]

Its been 2 weeks since I heard from him. Almost 2 since the wife called. And its 3 days away from the day that I said I could contact him if I still wanted to when I come to that day.

 

Its not getting any easier. its getting harder. I feel like I'm stuck on treadmill of negativity and upset. I'm having nightmares. I cant sleep. I'm not crying everyday but that has been replaced by a new constant low feeling.

 

I'm still fighting the desire to contact him. And the more time goes on the more I KNOW I will contact him. I cant just "leave" it. Whether I do it on Monday, in a week or in a month, I know I will do it. I may as well get it over with.

 

I guess our NC wasnt agreed, if it had been I think would find it easier. Last i heard from him we were pretty much the same as we had alwasy been. I still feel like I havent had the clousure I need. I'm tired. I feel like I dont want to struggle with this anymore.

 

How many of you actually manage to do the NC thing?

[SoxPrincess]

Its been 2 weeks since I heard from him. Almost 2 since the wife called. And its 3 days away from the day that I said I could contact him if I still wanted to when I come to that day.

 

Its not getting any easier. its getting harder. I feel like I'm stuck on treadmill of negativity and upset. I'm having nightmares. I cant sleep. I'm not crying everyday but that has been replaced by a new constant low feeling.

 

I'm still fighting the desire to contact him. And the more time goes on the more I KNOW I will contact him. I cant just "leave" it. Whether I do it on Monday, in a week or in a month, I know I will do it. I may as well get it over with.

 

I guess our NC wasnt agreed, if it had been I think would find it easier. Last i heard from him we were pretty much the same as we had alwasy been. I still feel like I havent had the clousure I need. I'm tired. I feel like I dont want to struggle with this anymore.

 

How many of you actually manage to do the NC thing?

 

Initially, I struggled like you did...I would say for a good month anyway. After that period of time (and counseling) I realized that I was making a fool out of myself for chasing him around, attempting to call/email/text and I wasn't going to do it anymore. It's not easy, in fact, it's quite damn hard but you've made it 2 weeks already! You are doing better than most people in your situation (in regards to NC) than you give yourself credit for It DOES get easier..as long as you don't break NC. Listen sweetie, you're already hurting & reeling from what this man did to you, look at it this way..NC= no contact & NO NEW HURT!

 

Stay strong, keep posting here..YOU CAN...YOU ARE DOING THIS!

 

(((Hugs)))

[whichwayisup]

I think in your situation, after everything that went down, NC is expected. You two didn't discuss it, but I think deep down you KNOW that NC MUST continue. Do your absolute best NOT to contact him. In a month, if you do contact him, you'll feel foolish. He won't respect you either, after everything he did to you (and he KNOWS WTF he's done to you) he's gonna wonder what is wrong with you. So please, really think long and hard before breaking NC.

 

As everyone else is saying NC=No new hurts.

 

Remember that anger you're feeling.

Remember how he has used you, lied to you, led you on.

Remember that he is married, has children.

Remember there is NO future for the two of you.

Remember there is NO friendship, nothing.

Remember you are better off without him in your life.

[imstunned]

I dont want to do NC. I want to see him or at least have some sort of clousre with him - FOR ME. I am a stuck record. I'm sick of myself.

[TogetherForever]

I dont want to do NC. I want to see him or at least have some sort of clousre with him - FOR ME. I am a stuck record. I'm sick of myself.

 

 

(((((((stunned))))))))))

Do not take that step backwards!!!!!!!

I always say : "There will be no end to your hurt if you stay, but if you end the relationship, eventually that hurt will end".

TF

[GreenEyedLady]

I dont want to do NC. I want to see him or at least have some sort of clousre with him - FOR ME. I am a stuck record. I'm sick of myself.

 

He is the one who decided NC, is that correct? Because if he did, do not contact him...He doesn't want to be contacted...If you are the one who went NC, just wait it out...Two weeks isn't long enough...

[imstunned]

thins is the thing - I had never heard of NC before I came here -neither of us decided on it - the wife called me and I havent heard from him since the day before she did when everything was normal between us.

 

I'm sure he dosent want me to contact him. But I feel that he should be so bloody lucky to expect me just to "vanish". I feel like sh*t on his shoe that he has scraped off and binned without giving it a second thought.

[GreenEyedLady]

thins is the thing - I had never heard of NC before I came here -neither of us decided on it - the wife called me and I havent heard from him since the day before she did when everything was normal between us.

 

I'm sure he dosent want me to contact him. But I feel that he should be so bloody lucky to expect me just to "vanish". I feel like sh*t on his shoe that he has scraped off and binned without giving it a second thought.

 

I understand your feelings, but the last thing you want to do is go all Glenn Close on him...That will only make you feel worse afterwards...Then he can say you're a psycho and it will only lend more support to however he's clearing this up with his W...

 

Don't give him more ammunition...Rise above...It hurts, but do what is right...If he comes back, then think about that then...But don't contact him first...

 

Would you stalk a single guy who stopped calling you? Treat it the same way you would had he been single...

 

(((HUGS)))

[whichwayisup]

I dont want to do NC. I want to see him or at least have some sort of clousre with him - FOR ME. I am a stuck record. I'm sick of myself.

 

He isn't going to give you the closure you're expecting. If anything, it will put more ?'s in your head than answers.

 

thins is the thing - I had never heard of NC before I came here -neither of us decided on it - the wife called me and I havent heard from him since the day before she did when everything was normal between us.

I'm sure he dosent want me to contact him. But I feel that he should be so bloody lucky to expect me just to "vanish". I feel like sh*t on his shoe that he has scraped off and binned without giving it a second thought.

 

Okay, so for his wife's sake, leave him alone. He hasn't contacted you since his wife contacted you. Imagine her pain now...You trying to get intouch with him isn't going to better the situation. For her, for him, and most of all, for you.

 

YOU should feel lucky here, not him. This guy is scum and doesn't deserve anything from you.

 

At the end of the day, the choices is yours. All we can do is guide you into what is easier for you...But, if you really feel the need to contact him, then do it. Just know though, if you do talk to him - You'll probably feel worse than you already do now.

[reboot]

thins is the thing - I had never heard of NC before I came here -neither of us decided on it - the wife called me and I havent heard from him since the day before she did when everything was normal between us.

 

I'm sure he dosent want me to contact him. But I feel that he should be so bloody lucky to expect me just to "vanish". I feel like sh*t on his shoe that he has scraped off and binned without giving it a second thought.

In all likelyhood his WIFE decided on the NC. She said, break it off or get divorced. Obviously he doesn't want to get divorced, so what do you expect him to do?

 

You can't seem to understand that he doesn't feel the same way you do. I know that's hurtful, but you have to accept it and move on. This is a lose/lose situation for you otherwise.

[whichwayisup]

This is a lose/lose situation for you otherwise.

 

I agree 100%. Other than getting closure, what do you want from this guy? Bottomline, he's married, he has kids. He isn't yours, and he never was to begin with - Even though he made himself seem available.

 

He lied to you, betrayed you, made you worry about his wellbeing. He pretended to have near death experiences, manipulated you...WHY on earth would you even want to give this guy a chance to talk to you? Please, do your best to accept that he is SCUM, and not worthy of anymore tears, thoughts or energy on your behalf.

[imstunned]

I'm in a loose loose situation full stop. This guy has railroaded into my life- made one hell of a mess of it, and trotts back off to his wife all happy families. THEY will be ok. I however am pretty messed up.

[TogetherForever]

I'm in a loose loose situation full stop. This guy has railroaded into my life- made one hell of a mess of it, and trotts back off to his wife all happy families. THEY will be ok. I however am pretty messed up.

 

Stunned,

The only thing you've lost is the lying 8ss that was your lover.

You will get un-messed. You know you will. It takes time but you will get there & when you do, you gotta come here & post about how you are so over him & how'd you can't believe you were so messed up over him.

You'll laugh about it. Watch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TF

[whichwayisup]

I'm in a loose loose situation full stop. This guy has railroaded into my life- made one hell of a mess of it, and trotts back off to his wife all happy families. THEY will be ok. I however am pretty messed up.

Then get help. Go see a therapist and deal with this now before it does ruin your life. You DO have a choice on how this goes.

 

Deal with your pain, deal with the betrayal by talking to someone.

 

You have no idea what is going on in his life, but I think it's safe to assume that things are NOT great. His wife contacted you, so that means their trusting marriage is not what it once was. Plus, you haven't a clue WHO this guy is! Who knows, maybe he's had many affairs. I doubt things are happy and rosy at home for him. Remember too, his wife is suffering, so chances are, so is he.

[EnigmaXOXO]

This guy has railroaded into my life- made one hell of a mess of it, and trotts back off to his wife all happy families. THEY will be ok. I however am pretty messed up.

 

Where do you find the time and imagination to invent these wild fairytales (???)

 

They reality is ... this guy has more than likely slinked back to his wife with pee-pee tucked, and everything is less than honky-dory back at the ranch. He’s probably on a real short leash right now and all his time and energy is focused on damage control and making darn sure he isn’t taken to the cleaners so that he has to actually live on that imaginary mountain of his huddled under a rock.

 

You want payback? ... Then get out of your own cave and LIVE your life to it’s fullest. Happiness is the BEST revenge and the only kind of real closure you’re ever going to get.

[imstunned]

Hello everyone. I'm just posting, not because I have anything in particular to say but just becasue I feel a bit lost. I feel so down and I'm tired of it.

 

Yes the guy is a prize class jackass but I still cant quite get my head around everything he has done and said. I cant understand why anyone would be so so nasty and uncaring for another person. I cant beleive that I dont warrant a goodbye or a sorry, have a nice life, NOTHING.

 

I feel self indulgent being upset like this after such a short space of time, I'm not pregnant with his baby, it wasnt years, but its just how I feel.

 

Everyone says not to contact him, that he is married and leave him alone. I understand that, but then I think why the hell should I just dissapear. That will be just what he wants. I didnt ask for any of this. ITS HIS FAULT. I'm not going to go all psycho on him, but sometimes I want to give him a piece of my mind, and other times I just want to ask questions. I feel very compliant by just vanishing. Like a doormat. I do exist - I do have feelings - I want him to acknowledge that!

[whichwayisup]

Silence and non-action is powerful...For you.

 

I hope some day soon you realize this, and know that the NC is really for you to heal. NC isn't about him, it's all about you.

 

I also hope that you get to the point where you care less about what he thinks or feels.

 

I do exist - I do have feelings - I want him to acknowledge that!

 

I understand this, you feel the need to have your feelings validated by him - Sadly though, you won't ever get that from him and that's why you need to make your own closure.

[imstunned]

I do hear you which way - but I dont feel that I am viewing NC as time for me to heal. I'm just doing it because I dont want to look like a mug & its the best chance of allowing him the sapce to perhaps get back to me. If he contacts me I'm in trouble. I dont have closure. I am waiting it out.

[sb129]

this guy has more than likely slinked back to his wife with pee-pee tucked, and everything is less than honky-dory back at the ranch. He’s probably on a real short leash right now and all his time and energy is focused on damage control and making darn sure he isn’t taken to the cleaners so that he has to actually live on that imaginary mountain of his huddled under a rock.

 

You want payback? ... Then get out of your own cave and LIVE your life to it’s fullest. Happiness is the BEST revenge and the only kind of real closure you’re ever going to get.

 

This is so true.

I'mstunned- I didn't ever get true closure with my last ex (the MM).

He went all psycho on ME, which made me want even less to do with him.

 

I would never ever has gotten him to see my POV, no matter how much I had tried to.

He blamed me for everything, and saw himself as the innocent victim (funny huh, being the one who cheated on his wife and all).

 

It doesn't matter anymore. Its all behind me, and quite frankly if I never clap eyes on him again, it will be too soon.

 

Live and learn, live and learn.

[whichwayisup]

I do hear you which way - but I dont feel that I am viewing NC as time for me to heal. I'm just doing it because I dont want to look like a mug & its the best chance of allowing him the sapce to perhaps get back to me. If he contacts me I'm in trouble. I dont have closure. I am waiting it out.

 

The part I've bolded...What exactly do you mean by that?

 

Okay, but you need to try to view the NC for you, not as a way to get his attention in hopes that 'someday' he'll contact you. I mean, what if in a year he calls you? What then? I would hope by then you'd just hang up on him... In 3 months if he hasn't called you, he is never going to contact you.

 

Allowing him 'space'? Stunned, he is married. He isn't coming back to you. Whatever happened between you two is completely over and there is no friendship, nothing left...Except your pain to deal with.

 

Seriously consider some counselling because if you are waiting for him to give you the answers you need to get closure, you're going to be waiting a long long time and wasting your energy and life on someone who isn't worth it.

 

Sorry for your pain, I wish I could wave a magic wand and take it away from you.

[OpenBook]

I feel self indulgent being upset like this after such a short space of time, I'm not pregnant with his baby, it wasnt years, but its just how I feel.

 

Stunned, you go ahead and be just as self-indulgent as you want. You deserve it!!

 

Everyone says not to contact him, that he is married and leave him alone. I understand that, but then I think why the hell should I just dissapear. That will be just what he wants. I didnt ask for any of this. ITS HIS FAULT. I'm not going to go all psycho on him, but sometimes I want to give him a piece of my mind, and other times I just want to ask questions. I feel very compliant by just vanishing. Like a doormat. I do exist - I do have feelings - I want him to acknowledge that!

 

But you have NO IDEA what he wants. You have no clue whether he is thinking about you or not. You said (in another post) that you're doing the NC because you think that might make him wonder, and try to contact you again... For the record, I totally agree with this approach. Mystery (yours - not his) is your best protection right now. You have NOTHING to prove to him. Let him wonder!!

 

I admire you greatly for initiating and keeping this NC completely on your own, without even telling him about it. It takes ENORMOUS STRENGTH for a person to do this, especially when you've received zero closure. You're obviously going through a lot of agony for it (and who wouldn't?!?)... but I think it's by far the best thing for YOU in the long run.

 

You Go Gurl!!! I think you're doing the right thing with this NC. And I think it's perfectly fine for you to do it for whatever reason you DAMN WELL PLEASE.

 

Just hang in there... Every day gets a little bit better. I'm cheering you on!!

[norajane]

I do hear you which way - but I dont feel that I am viewing NC as time for me to heal. I'm just doing it because I dont want to look like a mug & its the best chance of allowing him the sapce to perhaps get back to me. If he contacts me I'm in trouble. I dont have closure. I am waiting it out.

 

Do you want closure? Or do you want him back?

 

What does having him back mean to you? You would want to continue having an affair, with him lying to his wife and kids, sneaking out to see you when he could every few weeks? Are you thinking he might leave his wife and children and then you could be with him?

[White Flower]

I'll stop thanking you all individually for your replies- but thanks so much! Its helping me already!

 

The level of deception he spun me is so extreme I'm embarassed to tell you all about it. He told me he was a climber - away for weeks and weeks on end up mountains. On two occasions pretended to be his friend telling me he was in serios trouble. Only two weeks ago I recieved a text message saying that they touught he was dead. I didnt see him often, only when he was "home" and it made for fantastic reunions. Evidently he spun me this libe as getting away from a wife with 2 young children isnt easy.

 

I dont know who he is. He said he had never been in love and never wanted children. Wants to do nothing but climb. I tried to accept him for who (i thought) he was - but spent many nights seriosly worried he was dead. I lost a child - he knows this. I could not entertain the idea that he was lying to me about being dead.

 

Its like he has created a whole fantasy life which I was part of. The whole thing is so extreme that even in trawling the internet I havent found anything quite like this !

 

Wow, Imstunned!

This guy has the OW all figured out! He tells you he's a climber and leaves for weeks at a time. The result: hot, steamy sex reunions. He says he's never been in love. Your reaction: try like hell to make him fall head over heals in love by being the sweetest, kindest, and hottest woman on the planet. Tells you he almost died: you feel that pain more than anyone which he knows because you have lost a child. What a manipulative, conniving, serial cheater!

As for not admitting the entire truth to his DW (dear wife) I usually understand. Who wants an innocent wife to suffer when you have no intention of taking him away from her? But now that you have reflected on all the ways he deceived you with the intention of scheming from the very beginning, I can see no reason as to protect this guy. He will do it again because he is so skilled at it. And he may bring some terrible disease home. Good luck and hang in there. You are young, strong, and are deserving of someone so much better.

[imstunned]

Thanks again for all your support. The past two days have been really really bad. I got through Thursday without tears, but now feel like I have taken several steps back. I guess thats normal. I have been trying to figure out what triggered it and I think I know - its the weekend = he wil be with his wife and kids. I am still sitting and saying to myself "married - WTF?!!?". I am STILL processing that reality. Throw into the mix the discovery that he is in this country and not up a mountian and that it looks like its OVER and I am well and truly under a bus -well, I have alot to get my head around, and it all happened in just a couple of weeks.

 

Openbook I tired to send you a PM but havent a clue how to do it. Thank you for your kind words, they REALLY mean alot.

 

norajane - today I'f I'm honest I want him back. I have no idea what that would really mean - perhaps along with being upset today we can add a bit of denial. But I havent contacted him - even though I have several ways to do it. I gues even I do have some pride.

 

which way - I would be in trouble if he contacted me - I'd go back to him, if he wanted me to. I guess you'll all be hoping I stay strong and that he dosent contact me. Hopefully in time I will hope for the same thing, or even better, I wont care if he does or not!

 

Thanks too to sb129 & White Flower for your comments/support. I'd be totally alone in this if not for this forum. My mum called me today and I happened to be in floods of tears. She got instantly angry with me and told me to call her later. I am trying really hard, doing my best but i feel like its not enough.

 

Like I said - today and yesterday have been bad. I can only hope tomorrow is better.