Discovered I'm the other woman

[pussycat1980]

Im starting to feel like fronting the wife in some way, but i know it wouldnt achieve anything.

I fell for his lies and so will she in order to keep him from me.

 

Us OW's we are nearly always the loser's.

[OWoman]

They dont seem to understand why I am upset, that it is important to me that he liked me, that I feel stuck and dont know how to move forward.

 

Of course he liked you! You allowed him to be the person he wanted to be - the wild, adventurous (and unencumbered) man whose soul belongs to the mountains. That it wasn't the man he WAS... well, that's more difficult for him to deal with.

 

Of course what you felt, and what you had, was real, even if it now looks like a mirage. Your feelings were real feelings, what he did and said to you were real too, and I don't believe that he was so much a conscious lying schemer as a delusional fantasist hoping that he could wish a different world into being with you.

 

 

Moving forward is not going to come easily, not until you've got the answers you want and are able to make sense of your position in a way that resonates for you. But those answers are unlikely to come from him. More likely they'll come from within you, once you can hear your inner voice speaking to yourself again and that will take time. Pain doesn't evaporate overnight because "sense" tells you it should. Trust yourself, cut yourself some slack, don't try to push yourself through this any faster than you need. It will happen, but it will happen when you're ready.

 

Hugs, in the meantime.

[Havn_a_life]

imstunned-

"I'm also every now and then getting VERY VERY angry and am tempted to call his wife and tell her what a sack of S**T this guy is..."

 

I think since he was able to convince you thoroughly of his lifestyle and the person you thought he was, convincing his W would be a cake walk. You said she'd done grilled you about him and you denied it (any A).

You telling her now would only help his story, if he tried to tell his W you were some kinda stalker.

I'm sure it will be hard for you, having known him this long, developed feelings, etc., but it's not impossible to move on from.

Besides, there are so many guys out there who aren't jerks like this one is.

They aren't all bent on deceiving you just because they want to have a life on the side.

He should be ashamed, though, of his comments about not wanting M and kids, since he has both.

That right there should prove to you just what role he wanted for you in his life.

I hope it works out for you and you stay strong and don't have anything to do with him again.

Not because I feel for the BW. Neither you nor her knew/know what kind of conman this dude is.

[whichwayisup]

This situation could turn real ugly and I think you don't want that drama in your life. He is a master manipulator, a liar and unbalanced...Don't open pandora's box! The best thing right now is to never look back, heal yourself, know that none of this is your fault, he roped you in...

 

If you call him or he calls you and you talk to him, it's YOU that is going to feel more messed up. There really is no explanation good enough for what he's done to you!

[Havn_a_life]

My closure would have been that he deceived me leading me to believe he was single.

[imstunned]

Thanks again for all the replies. Another day, no contact. Is this actually how it ends? I have a gut feeling that its not all done yet - am I clutching at straws?

[Havn_a_life]

If you're lucky, he's getting the point that you don't like being deceived.

I think you should get out and about and ignore the phone, email,text, whatever.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Thanks again for all the replies. Another day, no contact. Is this actually how it ends? I have a gut feeling that its not all done yet - am I clutching at straws?

 

Ideally, for your own future happiness, this is how it should end. Please stick to this NC and get this man out of your life. Please, please, please.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Trimmer]

Thanks again for all the replies. Another day, no contact.

Good for you. Take it one day at a time, and consider this day a successful step forward.

 

Is this actually how it ends?

If you're lucky, yes. Imagine looking back on your life from 6 or 7 years down the road - hard to do right now, probably, but it provides a useful perspective. The road you are on now - staying out of contact with him - is painful and will take some recovery, but I have no doubt you will get there.

 

Thinking about it realistically, imagine the other possible outcomes - any of the ones that involve the two of you having some kind of further contact. I'm sorry, but the only way I can see it playing out is that he opens his mouth, and a huge train wreck emerges, complete with flames leaping high into the sky and tankers leaking toxic chemicals into the neighborhood that is your life.

 

Is there really any possible way - realistically, now - that it would turn out that you would look back later and say "Man, I'm sure glad we talked that out. I'm really glad I had a chance to understand where he was coming from. And that wife of his, what a great gal - she was sure understanding, too, once she learned the whole truth."

 

I think it more likely that you will look back and realize that your healing started at the point where you stopped having contact with him. Whether you decide to contact him, and delay that final separation until later (and certainly bringing upon yourself more emotional trauma between now and then) or whether it starts now, by maintaining the separation that you have already started, think about it from the perspective of looking back on your life from somewhere down the road: don't you think you will eventually realize that your healing will have started at the point where you finally separated completely from him? Won't you look back and say "Boy, I didn't know where that train was going or where it eventually ended up, but I'm sure glad I jumped off when I did, because one way or another it was a nasty ride, and it was definitely headed for a wreck..."

 

However I spent most of the night when I should have been asleep remembering other things that have been said etc in the past that I have forgotten about. Each new realisation brings me more confusion, and its starting to frustrate the hell out of me as its making me go round in circles rather than allow me to feel like I'm letting it go and move forward even slightly.

You won't be able to avoid running through things, through all kinds of details, memories, etc... You won't be able to deaden yourself to them, nor should you try. You will work through them, they will make you feel angry, sad, outraged, out of control, etc... You might feel like you are going through some stages more than once, but that doesn't mean that you aren't moving forward.

 

It won't happen overnight, but look for small signs of progress. The fact that you are starting to review and work through more of your relationship and experience your anger is all positive, in the big picture. It sounds like it is making more sense to you not to contact him - when you talk about "Another day, no contact," it is starting to sound like a positive comment...

 

It is still very early for you. The first period here will be full of turmoil and pain in a big, turbulent swirl where it will be hard to imagine any kind of progress, but you will get to a point where you will start to feel the occasional moments of calm... clarity... of the storm lifting for a bit. Look for those little signs, and recognize that even as you may backslide into a darker place sometimes, those better times will come again, and they will get more common and last longer as time goes on. Have faith that you are still the good person you were before, and that better times are coming... I've been in the kind of place you are now, and this is the kind of thinking that got me through it, and that now lets me look back on it in amazement and at peace.

[OpenBook]

Imagine looking back on your life from 6 or 7 years down the road - hard to do right now, probably, but it provides a useful perspective. The road you are on now - staying out of contact with him - is painful and will take some recovery, but I have no doubt you will get there.

 

Thinking about it realistically, imagine the other possible outcomes..

 

It is still very early for you. The first period here will be full of turmoil and pain in a big, turbulent swirl where it will be hard to imagine any kind of progress, but you will get to a point where you will start to feel the occasional moments of calm... clarity... of the storm lifting for a bit. Look for those little signs, and recognize that even as you may backslide into a darker place sometimes, those better times will come again, and they will get more common and last longer as time goes on. Have faith that you are still the good person you were before, and that better times are coming...

 

I have never read better advice than this. It is so true!! I too have lived this. Although it didn't help me to "imagine the other possible outcomes" until YEARS down the road -- it was still too fresh and painful in my mind to contemplate that. But IMO, everything else Trimmer said is absolutely right-on!!

 

Take it from one who actually HAS looked back on it -- for me, almost 20 years ago! -- and realized what an incredible blessing it was for me, when he dropped out of my life.

[imstunned]

Thank you all again. I feel utterly lost. Its almost a week since his wife called me and I am more and more confused each and every hour of the day.

 

I remember when I saw him after the first time that he had pretended to be away and pretended to be his friend telling me he was in trouble. (I was nearly sick when I recieved news that he was in serious trouble and could be dead. It was days before I recieved news that he was okay.) I spoke to him and said that next time if he is in trouble could I please not recieve details of anything untill he was either OK or definately dead. I explained that it was too difficult, too worrying and too upsetting for me. He said that he couldnt beleive that his "friend" had texted me what he had and that he would have a word with him about it.

 

So fast forward to a few weeks ago and I recieve a similar thing except this time his "friend" tells me its bad news and it looks like "******" is dead. I nearly collapsed. WHY did he want for me to think he could be dead. WHY did he put me through that, after I told him how difficult I found it. WHY WHY WHY. Was he just sitting in his front room one morning and thought "I know - today I'll tell ****** that I'm dead"??????

 

I lost a child and know full well what it is to grieve. Because of my loss there is a charity that is dear to my heart - he told me that the money he raised for the next climb would be going to my charity. I was so touched I nearly cried.

 

At the moment I feel as though he must hate me as I cannot understand why he did those things. The reason I so desperately want to get in touch with him and SEE him again is because to believe that he was the nice guy I spent time with is so much easier than getting my head around what he really has done to me. I simply cannot understand it.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why? I think the answer is... "he has a personality disorder" and in cases like that, there is no 'why' that would make sense to any sane person.

[imstunned]

LB, I am indeed beginning to think that is truly the case. Every time I really questioned anything he was quite hostile. In the end I stopped asking questions as I knew he didnt like to be confronted. Thing is is seemed so gentle and polite and NICE. But it would epxlain why there has never been any apology or even the slightest hint of guilt - even when he came clean about being married. Not a whiff of it for me or his wife.

 

Are personality disorders really so common? I feel like I should have seen it, I studied psychology at University for gawds sake!!! I had my eyes and ears open, paying attention to his body language as I was wanted to know if he liked me - sure his body language backed that up - but I was looking for the wrong thing.

 

WHAT AN IDIOT!

[sb129]

Dont beat yourself up so much for not spotting it sooner- many people find themselves dating people with borderline disorders, its not like these people have a big sign on their heads, and you had no reason to doubt him initially- thats a testament to YOUR character- you are obviously trusting, which isn't a bad thing even though you feel it may be right now.

 

He sounds like a complete nutter.

 

Well rid I say, but I know that may not seem much of a consolation to you.

 

i think you are doing really well- you recognise the problems with this situation, and I think you are being pretty rational overall.

 

The little irrational thoughts that creep in from time to time are normal for someone who has been betrayed and hurt!

[imstunned]

Thank you all again. The end of another day and I am exhausted by the sheer effort of not caving in and contacting him. I dont think I will be able to move forward with this untill we have at least said bye. Its getting harder and harder not to do it every day.

 

Obviously I shoudnt - given the whole situation, but has anyone been in my situation, and caved in? What kind of reaction could I expect from him?

[Havn_a_life]

Personally, I think he'll just take it that he got his way, and he'll not respect you.

I don't know that I could be with him, after he told such whoppers.

[whichwayisup]

If you contact him, he's going to think you're the biggest fool. And, he'll also get some sick personal satisfication from hearing from you... I mean, this guy did this to you (and many other lies!!) :

 

So fast forward to a few weeks ago and I recieve a similar thing except this time his "friend" tells me its bad news and it looks like "******" is dead. I nearly collapsed. WHY did he want for me to think he could be dead. WHY did he put me through that, after I told him how difficult I found it. WHY WHY WHY. Was he just sitting in his front room one morning and thought "I know - today I'll tell ****** that I'm dead"??????

 

I lost a child and know full well what it is to grieve. Because of my loss there is a charity that is dear to my heart - he told me that the money he raised for the next climb would be going to my charity. I was so touched I nearly cried.

 

DO NOT give him that sick satisfaction by calling him.

 

SILENCE speaks louder than words, especially in this case.

 

You don't need to say goodbye to him face to face, nor on the phone. The more I think about it, it's much safer for you now that you're OUT of his life. The guy is a pyscho!

 

Google Paul Bernardo.

[imstunned]

I hear what you are saying. But everyway I loose. I sitll want to see him again, and not contacting him again is using up all my enegery. I'm on edge and every text I get makes me jump - but they are never from him.

 

If I contact him I look like a fool, if I just vanish - well lucky him.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I hear what you are saying. But everyway I loose. I sitll want to see him again, and not contacting him again is using up all my enegery. I'm on edge and every text I get makes me jump - but they are never from him.

 

If I contact him I look like a fool, if I just vanish - well lucky him.

 

Wish you would use this energy to focus on yourself and get out of this mess. If you contact him, you would be a fool. But if you vanish, you will be the lucky one, please believe me.

 

Almost everyone who has posted feels that you're better off without him, and he's some kind of psychologically disturbed person who was using and abusing you. You're way better off without him, trust me.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[imstunned]

I know what you are saying is true - hence why I havent contacted him. If I didnt use my enegry NOT contacting him then quite simply - I would have by now. My HEAD knows what everyone is saying is true - hell even I am saying it to myself "you are better off out of this - etc" it but I am waiting for my heart to catch up. Even trying to face up to the fact I have been used and abused by this man is not easy - and it hurts like HELL. So basically he didnt like me and used me for sex. GREAT.

 

I went on my gut impression of him from the start and it was good. I went on my gut instinct and felt that he liked me too. I WILL NEVER TRUST MY GUT AGAIN.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Yay on the fact that you've woken up to the truth I'm just so sorry you're hurting, but at least it's better to have woken up today then, say, 5 years from now.

 

Sometimes people make mistakes. And you must realize that this guy took very bad advantage of you and your situation, of your gentle nature and of your loneliness. It's not you who is at fault here. It is him who is the evil one. Don't be too hard on yourself. But do use your anger and hurt to make yourself heal and to stay away from him for the rest of your life. His karma will catch up with him one day. Live your life happy in the knowledge that you did not get more entangled with a madman like that

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[imstunned]

I'm getting it - but what HURTS like hell is that he didnt really LIKE me. Pathetic isnt it. If I can come out of this with the belief that he went to all that effort - no matter how messed up he clearly is - becuase he LIKED me, and wanted to see me, I'll come through it quicker.

[OWoman]

So basically he didnt like me and used me for sex. GREAT.

 

I went on my gut impression of him from the start and it was good. I went on my gut instinct and felt that he liked me too.

 

O he liked you, all right! You allowed him to be what he wanted to be, not just who he was.

 

But who he was with you is not sustainable in the real world, or not now, while he has a wife and family and other life that can't let him be this unencumbered mountaineer. If that's what he REALLY wants to be, he first needs to sort out the minor inconveniences of his other REAL life so that he can integrate his fantasy life into something sustainable.

 

I don't think he was "using" you in some cold, calculated way. I think his feelings were real, as are yours. I DO think that he has some personality dysfunctions that need help. Some of the things he did take attention seeking way beyond the norm of acceptable behaviour, and he doesn't seem able to distinguish between reality and fantasy in a helpful way.

 

If you're willing to be part of a fantasy, that's one thing, but if you're wanting a real life with this guy you need to wait until he's in a position to offer that - if ever. For now, that really doesn't seem to be the case on what you've presented here.

 

Strength, stunned. There aren't quick and easy answers on this one.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I'm getting it - but what HURTS like hell is that he didnt really LIKE me. Pathetic isnt it. If I can come out of this with the belief that he went to all that effort - no matter how messed up he clearly is - becuase he LIKED me, and wanted to see me, I'll come through it quicker.

 

 

That is the most instant explanation for rejection. The point is he didn't reject you. He just got caught and ran. You have chosen to reject him and are continuing to choose to reject him because of the way that he has behaved with you. Huge difference

 

Right now it's all too near the incident, and you're very upset with everything that has happened to you. But stick with the NC and give this time. Even if he contacts you, you should refuse to acknowledge that contact. I know it will be tough, but the basic truth is that this guy has lied to you from day one about everything. So listening to anything he says is meaningless, and and it will only encourage him to try to make you a part of his fantasy life again. I mean, he knew how you felt about death and and in spite of this he made up a story about himself dying just to get your sympathy and to get you into bed ? What a jerk ! Just stay away from this lying, cheating, crazy guy.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[OpenBook]

My HEAD knows what everyone is saying is true - hell even I am saying it to myself "you are better off out of this - etc" it but I am waiting for my heart to catch up. Even trying to face up to the fact I have been used and abused by this man is not easy - and it hurts like HELL. So basically he didnt like me and used me for sex. GREAT.

 

I went on my gut impression of him from the start and it was good. I went on my gut instinct and felt that he liked me too. I WILL NEVER TRUST MY GUT AGAIN.

 

Stunned, I think you might be getting your internal organs mixed up. Think back on this... How did he initially get your attention? What did he do or say, and what was your reaction? Sometimes when the heart takes over our thoughts and actions, we mistake it for gut instinct. (I speak from hard-won experience here!!) There was something he was offering that you were looking for at the time... and somehow it was such a strong connection that it totally overrode and obliterated what your gut was trying to tell you.

 

It has been my experience that when I lead myself with my heart, it's based on my own needs - what I want, what I'm looking for. And although that's great when you're going after career or other personal lifetime goals, it gets a little dicey when you're dealing with the opposite sex.

 

My gut, however, has never been wrong. It has been ignored (to my peril). But never wrong. One of the distinct advantages of getting older is learning, recognizing and making good use of this valuable tool to navigate through the murky waters and deathtraps that crop up for all of us.

 

And another thing... I think you are trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip with this guy. Because your heart is giving you such a hard time about it, you still think highly of this man (otherwise his NC wouldn't be painful for you; it wouldn't matter). You are assuming that this worthy guy thought so little of you that he would treat you like a bag of fast food. You aren't seeing it clearly. HE is the one who has fallen short, not you. This isn't about you. It's about HIM and everything he is lacking. He is not worth the time of day from you, much less your love and attention.

 

Am I making any sense?? I've been where you are. Maybe not the exact same situation, but definitely the same reactions. This is what I have learned from it. Hope it helps.