Discovered I'm the other woman

[imstunned]

And another thing... I think you are trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip with this guy. Because your heart is giving you such a hard time about it, you still think highly of this man (otherwise his NC wouldn't be painful for you; it wouldn't matter). You are assuming that this worthy guy thought so little of you that he would treat you like a bag of fast food. You aren't seeing it clearly. HE is the one who has fallen short, not you. This isn't about you. It's about HIM and everything he is lacking. He is not worth the time of day from you, much less your love and attention.

 

Am I making any sense?? .

 

I get the other things you said - I think, but I dont know what you mean here - it appears that he didnt think much of me at all - I have been binned - or thrown under the bus as I read it called on here - its horrible. I still cant beleive he hasnt contacted me at all - from 100's of texts to nothing.

[OpenBook]

I get the other things you said - I think, but I dont know what you mean here - it appears that he didnt think much of me at all - I have been binned - or thrown under the bus as I read it called on here - its horrible. I still cant beleive he hasnt contacted me at all - from 100's of texts to nothing.

 

You are assuming that, because of his NC and other poor treatment of you, that he doesn't think much of you at all. You are assuming an awful lot about the unknown. To me, it is clear that this guy has a lot of personal issues (narcissism, etc.) that prevent him from being able to love others well. I would not be surprised if he was doing the NC on you deliberately. Because he's done this before to other women... and he has seen how they have caved and contacted him and begged him to come back around. He's like a heroin dealer - he gives you a little taste to get you hooked, and then he sucks the life out of your soul.

 

Wouldn't it rock his world if you were the first woman to refuse to hang around and put up with his bullsh*t?!? Remember, the NC means that HE doesn't know what's going on with you EITHER. Keep it that way!!

[reboot]

it appears that he didnt think much of me at all - I have been binned - or thrown under the bus as I read it called on here - its horrible. I still cant beleive he hasnt contacted me at all - from 100's of texts to nothing.

Please stop taking this so personally. It is NOT a reflection on you. This is what these kind of men DO. His wife found out, now he's doing damage control. She probably has him under a microscope right now. You should be thankful actually (and I know it's easy for me to say that). There are real men out there.

[frannie]

So fast forward to a few weeks ago and I recieve a similar thing except this time his "friend" tells me its bad news and it looks like "******" is dead. I nearly collapsed. WHY did he want for me to think he could be dead. WHY did he put me through that, after I told him how difficult I found it. WHY WHY WHY. Was he just sitting in his front room one morning and thought "I know - today I'll tell ****** that I'm dead"??????

 

At the moment I feel as though he must hate me as I cannot understand why he did those things. The reason I so desperately want to get in touch with him and SEE him again is because to believe that he was the nice guy I spent time with is so much easier than getting my head around what he really has done to me. I simply cannot understand it.

 

 

I went on my gut impression of him from the start and it was good. I went on my gut instinct and felt that he liked me too. I WILL NEVER TRUST MY GUT AGAIN.

 

imstunned I wrote a few pages back about the shock of discovering that the person you were involved with was not the person you believed them to be. I wrote from the experience of having been in a relationship with someone who turned out to be a crazy liar in this way and actually at the end of it very abusive. So I know something of how you feel.

 

You have not only the fact that he lied about being married, but that he completely misrepresented who he was, AND has acted in some pretty twisted ways to boot. As I wrote earlier, that's something huge for you to come to terms with, and you're reeling, questioning your ability to trust your gut, and actually quite fearful of trusting anyone (or at least that is how I was).

 

The need to contact him, to flush it all out, to get him to admit to his lies, offer you an explanation, perhaps an apology..? The need to take back what you did when you lied to his W, to have 'the truth' out there, to have sanity back and everything alright with the world again is HUGE in you.

 

But I can tell you from my own experience, people like this man you've been involved with will NEVER, not ever, give you what you need from them. The reason is that they're so caught up with their own version of reality, their own need to cover their ass, their own demons... and they have years of experience in this... you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell. Believe it.

 

He is 200x the liar you could ever be. Even if he came back to you tomorrow with promises... it would be like you taking another sip of poison to listen to him. Look what he's already done to you, his W, and who knows how many other people. I'm not exaggerating here... people like this are life-sapping.

 

Please, however hard it is to face them... face these things he's shown you. Believe that people like him exist, and try to understand that all you will ever get from him is lies. Because that is all he ever had to offer.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to cut your losses and feel the pain. What helped for me was reading, reading and more reading. Things started clicking into place when I happened upon online literature on narcissism...

 

But apart from all this, don't start believing you can never trust your gut again. People like your MM are master manipulators. Many people in the world have no clue that individuals like him actually exist... you had no reason to think anything of it... you went into things probably with few reservations. You have NO reason to reproach yourself, and actually I believe little to fear from people like him in the future because now you're a little more aware. Reading will make you more aware. Take something positive away from this... personal growth, knowledege, and strength.

 

Please keep away from him. The last thing, the very last thing you need is to buy into more of his lies.

[Havn_a_life]

This is my opinion, too, Reboot.

She's taking his not trying to contact her anymore as him rejecting her.

 

I would be so bold to say, quite possibly, he may have tried to contact her and then when she didn't take the bait, he just moved onward, maybe to scope out another woman to try his stories on.

 

It's very possible, since she knows his game now, he's heading to a different pasture.

 

I know this opinion isn't going to make her happy, but it might help her get through it some more to where she can deal with the NC easier.

 

JMHO

[norajane]

I went on my gut impression of him from the start and it was good. I went on my gut instinct and felt that he liked me too. I WILL NEVER TRUST MY GUT AGAIN.

 

It was your gut instinct that told you he was married - you said you had seen red flags and asked him if he was married a week before his wife called you.

 

It was your heart that was charmed by the sociopathic liar and probably beat louder than your gut instincts.

[marlena]

It's very possible, since she knows his game now, he's heading to a different pasture.

 

 

I think you hit on something very crucial here. My ex who was a grand manipulator and storyteller was one f****** up person which is clear to see now in hindsight. He couldn't tell reality from fantasy either.. and lying came as natural to him as breathing. I don't think he knew how to be honest.

 

Anyway, just before we broke up he admitted this: He said, "Now that you have caught onto me, I have to move on to my next victim. This is what I do."

 

Can you beleive the gall in this man?

 

Yes, Havn a Life ...you have definitely hit onto to something here. Stun, consider it. Give it some thought.

 

Oh, and bu the way. This ex contacted me many times while I was doing NC. I showed him the highway. It hurt plenty but I knew I had to do it or risk contacting his insanity.

[Havn_a_life]

Ya know, I have a cousin who was like this guy stunned speaks of.

Since he was little he'd make up these ellaborate stories and has even feigned sickness to get sympathy.

His 1st M was to a girl 5 yrs younger than him and she thought he knew everything about everything.

She was so in awe of my cousin, she let him convince her she knew nothing of child rearing (and he didn't either, btw). It was ridiculous to watch them together. Dumb and dumber is what we started calling them.

Not that stunned is like the girl i described above. I'm just saying how some people can be manipulated into believeing things about people.

 

I can even remember some weeks after my dday, I told my cousin's W about it, and she swore up and down her H wouldn't/couldn't do anything like that.

Months later he was put in jail for consorting with a minor of 16 yrs old.

She got a rude wakeup call but it kicked her out of her fog and she D him, taking their kids with her.

 

Sorry this was so long. I just think, the more stunned feels like she's gonna cave in and contact this guy, the more I believe she'd be making a huge mistake!

[imstunned]

Its a week today since his wife called me. 2 days over a week since MM and I were texting. He surely will still be facing the sh*t that is hitting the fan just now wont he? Will it all have settled down already? And I dont think he has tried to contact me at all - no text, no phone call, and no e-mail. Even if she made him delete my numbers he could get me easily enough if he wanted to - he knows where I live.

 

I was heading towards thinking he perhpas is a narcissist - but then I think to myself not to be daft, I cant assume he is just because of the great big lies. AND what does worry me a bit if that he seriosuly is a narcassist I doubt I have heard the last of him. THey wont give up their supply of adoration easily from what I have read. I dont know what I would do if he contacted me.

 

I'm still totally floored by the fact that a week or so after me asking him if he is married she finds out about me and phones me!! I hadnt seen him for ages as he was pretending to be away up a mountain, so I just cant figure out why now. What on earth caused her to go through his phone then?? I know I will never know.

 

Given what we have discussed about this MM should I expect him to be getting back to me. I am sticking to NC - but every time my phone goes or I get a text I JUMP. To say I am on edge is an understatement

[frannie]

I... I was heading towards thinking he perhpas is a narcissist - but then I think to myself not to be daft, I cant assume he is just because of the great big lies. AND what does worry me a bit if that he seriosuly is a narcassist I doubt I have heard the last of him. THey wont give up their supply of adoration easily from what I have read. I dont know what I would do if he contacted me.

 

... Given what we have discussed about this MM should I expect him to be getting back to me.

 

No, you can't diagnose him and neither can any of us either. I suggested you read about eg. narcissism because it would give you an idea of the kinds of twisted people out there and how they can seriously affect the people around them.

 

If you're thinking he's N, and wondering about continuing to be his supply... well, my thoughts there are that your discovering his bull have given him a serious knock-back. I think you'd be a potential future supply if you could somehow forget what he's done, never question him on it or make him feel bad for his behaviour, never ask for an explanation, and basically be as naive and accepting of him as you were when you first met...

 

But why would you want to do that?

[imstunned]

Ok - here it comes, If i dont post here i will be hitting the send button on my e-mail to him. I feel ike I am losing my mind. I feel like I need to know that he is thinking of me too. I feel like I cant let go. I dont know what to do.

[GreenEyedLady]

Ok - here it comes, If i dont post here i will be hitting the send button on my e-mail to him. I feel ike I am losing my mind. I feel like I need to know that he is thinking of me too. I feel like I cant let go. I dont know what to do.

 

Do you want to still be with him? Regardless of his W knowing?

[imstunned]

HONESTLY?? Yes.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I feel like I need to know that he is thinking of me too. I feel like I cant let go. I dont know what to do.

 

What if you do, and he sends you back an email confirming that he is thinking of you. Will that somehow excuse what he has done to you?

[imstunned]

I dont think it should excuse what he has done, but honestly in my mind in order to see him again I would forgive him.

 

I am shattered. So tired. I spend much of my time wording what I would say to him. And there is no anger there. I cant help it. Its the way I am. I'm not angry, just upset to be dropped so fast. AND unsure of what happens next. Sure I should have the stength to say "it dosent matter if he contact me as I wouldnt entertain ever seeing him again" but that isnt what I feel. All it would take is for him to contact me and I would reply. Dont know where it would get me - nowhere I guess, but I feel like I am just WAITING to see if he gets in touch. Hence I feel stuck. If I contacted him and he ignored me I would leave it. I clearly have less pride than others but I wouldnt chase, I could then put it to rest.

 

I feel like I am playing a game to see which of us caves in first.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I hope for your sake, he continues to stay in 'no contact' with you. Denial is the first stage of grief, and it can last a long time sometimes. If you hear from him again, I hope that it will be after you have healed a bit and moved past this stage.

 

Do you have anyone there that you can talk to in a therapeutic sense?

[imstunned]

No - nobody I can talk to. And his no contact with me just makes me feel like a piece of Sh*t.

[imstunned]

I guess I should just be accepting that he dosent give a crap about me right?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Even if you did mean something to him, he didn't care enough about you to give you anything even approaching a healthy relationship. You were his victim, not his lover. I can't imagine what being married to this guy must be like. You may be crushed and hurt, but you are also very fortunate that you are not with him full time.

[imstunned]

Thank you LB. You are kind to read and respond to my posts. I know RATIONALLY that what you say must be true, but its not what I feel. I want him to be with me. But he isnt. He dosent care enough to even say goodbye. I cant understand how he wants or expect me just to VANISH. How can you turn off feelings like that? I'm sick to death of every day getting harder and harder.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Thank you LB. You are kind to read and respond to my posts. I know RATIONALLY that what you say must be true, but its not what I feel. I want him to be with me. But he isnt. He dosent care enough to even say goodbye. I cant understand how he wants or expect me just to VANISH. How can you turn off feelings like that? I'm sick to death of every day getting harder and harder.

 

Yeah, rationality doesn't help much in situations like this. Trust me when I tell you I understand. I have everyone around me trying to be 'rational' about what is going on in my life, and I understand it on one level, but on another I just want to scream... "screw rational - I HURT AND I AM AFRAID". So... I expect you are feeling something just like that. It is so hard to not want to look at motivations. He did not tell you goodbye. You want to know why, and you want to know why he did this to you. Eventually you'll come to realize that 'why' doesn't matter - just that he did what he did, and it hurt you. You want so badly to find a way to justify what he did - you feel that if he loves you, and I mean really loves you - then nothing he did matters. Again, with time you'll come to see things differently. In fact you'll probably look back on this thread with a detached horror that you were in as deep as you are now. Unfortunately, it takes time. How do you cut it off? You don't. Its like a loved one dying suddenly. You don't leave the funeral and think... "well, he/she is gone, may as well go on and not think about it anymore".

 

Time, time, time. Healing will only come with time, and continued 'no contact'.

 

I feel so bad for you. People wonder why sociopaths and pathological liars are so bad - well, this is why. They chew up the people they are with to the point where they can't even function rationally anymore.

 

Do a google search. See if you can find support for people who are involved with people with personality disorders, or are victims of them. There are plenty of people out there who have suffered like you are suffering now. I wish there were a support group where you live. Is there a local mental health center there you can call and ask for advice/groups/etc?

[imstunned]

I dont know if there are any support groups or any thing like that where I am. I doubt it. Will he be thanking his lucky stars if I dissapear?

[whichwayisup]

I feel so bad for you. People wonder why sociopaths and pathological liars are so bad - well, this is why. They chew up the people they are with to the point where they can't even function rationally anymore

 

This is so true...And, that is why you need to go talk to someone because already you're blaming yourself. Saying that you won't trust your gut instinct anymore... THIS GUY IS SICK in the head and he has snowballed many in his life, you weren't the first, and sadly, you won't be the last either. Just thank the stars, sun and moon that you are alive and yes, as much as he hurt you, he didn't 'harm' you in a physical way..Who knows, that could have been next!

 

Once your anger phase kicks in, I think you'll turn a corner. That and going to talk to a therapist to help you cope with the feelings/thoughts you're having.

[whichwayisup]

I dont know if there are any support groups or any thing like that where I am. I doubt it. Will he be thanking his lucky stars if I dissapear?

 

Is there a hospital nearby where you live? For starters, call them, or check their website. Every hospital has a crisis centre. Look in your phonebook too.

 

You thank your lucky stars! Imagine if you found all this out in another year or two! Imagine how deep your feelings would have been then!

[imstunned]

I dont feel like I have any lucky stars to thank. I think he is a bit messed up but i dont really think he has a persontality disorder. I have no idea what goes on in his head though, not a clue. Perhaps low self esteem? I just feel lost. And everyday that I fight the urge to contact him I am getting more and more tired. Isnt he thinking of me too?