sb129 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 If I meet someone great next September, won't I be happy that the divorce is behind me? Grieving over love is unnecessary because you don't really know what you're grieving over. You don't know which doors the breakup opened for you. This is from another thread- but it has relevance here too. You know that what you are grieving over isn't real- in some ways thats worse, and in others its better. Stunned, I am sorry if I sounded a little bit harsh in my last post re: you being on the rebound. NJ GEL and Enigma have continued to make some excellent points. Particularly about how HE was the one that chose to deceive you, hence taking the choice away from you. It does sound as if he got alot more out of the R than you did- there is someone else out there who will hold your hand and drink champagne in bed with you all day- you just have to find him! I have been lied to and treated badly, and felt exactly the way you do now. It can turn around, I am living proof, as are many of the other people here on LS. You are doing great, and please, please don't blame yourself for this creeps personality shortcomings. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 GEL - how did your situation turn out? Did your guy lie to you for the same reasons my MM evidently did (he was right in guessing I wouldnt get involved with a MM) - how did you come to terms with it. Did you beat yourself up about it like I am? Mine said that he wanted to be with me and he knew I wouldn't be with him if he was married...(He was selfish, I know.) And I didn't find out until I was already in love with him and it had been over a year so we were pretty invested by that time...I chose to stay... I felt a host of feelings...I suddenly understood things...I could see that he wasn't a committmentphobe, he was already in a committed R...I had thought that he was just waiting for something better to come along, so suddenly everything came into focus...And I stayed...I figured she would find out soon and it would be the end...Because he loved me and that is hard to hide... But she didn't find out...and then I was torn with being the OW and all the emotions that come with it...feeling so bad and guilty...and so I broke up with him right before our 2 year anniversary...I wanted him to see what life would be like without me... Well, we were apart for two months and he came back to me...And I set clear expectations for our R and we worked together to become true partners...And he is actually a very good partner to me...We have R issues that come up, but we communicate and have been able to work through them... I am not the side-dish, I actually feel like the one and only...I will not comment on their M as I am not a partner to it and it's not my business...I only have first-hand knowledge of mine... I am very happy, but I will not stay the OW forever and I am happy because he meets my needs...I am not a secret and I have never felt like one... I came to terms with my role when I saw him following through with his actions, showing me he loves me, not just saying it...And the OW, became Only Woman...That's when I realized that life isn't as black and white as I once thought...Some may scoff, or hurl insults, but that's my experience... I know that he loves me, not only by his words, but by his actions and I accept his flaws and imperfections just as he accepts mine...Ours is a R, and it's one that we both nurture and fight for... Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I cant accept that I mean so little to him for him not to contact me at all. I still just dont understand. What on earth did he get out of it all. What was the point. He is unhappy with his wife, with his current life. So he created a fantasy world. You were part of that fantasy. He may have even had feelings for you, but so what? He lied to you for 8 months, totally disrespected you by concealing his real life, scared you with stories of his being in "serious trouble" (knowing that you lost a child). He is childish, cruel, dishonest, and maybe even a sociopath, who cares about no one but himself. Take some solace in knowing there was something about you he was attracted to...and maybe he even cares about you to some extent...but its OVER. And be glad you found out before it lasted another day. I think you should "get even" with the guy. Text him and tell him it doesn't matter...that you want him. Then when/if he comes back, get his home phone number from his cell phone...then tell his wife the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 Thanks again everyone for responding to my posts, and my situation. Today I was meant to be going to relatives for dinner - I was so miserable I had to come home. I just feel like I need to be on my own untill I can at least crack a smile. It seems that even in affaryland my situation with this guy is quite unique - i.e all the extreme lies, but it also seems unusual for things to blow up like they have wth this - I suss out he is married, then about a week later his wife finds out about me. I still think thats really really weird. I'm dealing with a lot of things all at once here - but what hurts the most is that he hasnt contacted me. He could just say that he wants to be with his wife - goodbye, but instead nothing. Its like a knife through my heart. I'm still remembering things that have been said -and the more and more I think about it the more I think that this MM is deeply unhappy. I remember him saying something about not being happy unless he was climbing while we were on the phone. It threw me as I thought he WAS away climbing so therefore must be happy. Evidently not. Jesus - as I was typing that I got a text. I'm a bit like pavlovs dogs - I have recieved so many hundreds if not into the thousands of texts from MM that when it buzzes I think of him. My heart skipped a beat. And here come more piggin tears, as no - its not from him. GEL thank you for sharing your story, I dont mean this in a nasty way at all - but it sounds like the stuff of romantic novels compared to my MM who was clearly just out for some nookie. I'm glad it had an outcome for you where you are happy. You are very lucky. Do you know - every now and then - for fleeting moments, I feel anger. Only problem is its anger at myself!! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Good. Being angry at yourself is good. Its what will get you through NC, and is what will keep your resolve strong. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 GEL thank you for sharing your story, I dont mean this in a nasty way at all - but it sounds like the stuff of romantic novels compared to my MM who was clearly just out for some nookie. I'm glad it had an outcome for you where you are happy. You are very lucky. Do you know - every now and then - for fleeting moments, I feel anger. Only problem is its anger at myself!! You know, it has been a tough road, filled with hurt and tears and much love...I have become a much stronger person having weathered it all... I can't say I feel lucky, though...I would never accept less than I demand...And it really comes down to your partner and whether they truly want to make the R work...Because you can want something with your whole heart and sacrifice everything to have it realized, but if the other partner doesn't make the effort, it is all for naught... So it depends on the circumstances and the person...Some MM are good men who made some bad decisions...and some are narcissists...It's just figuring out what kind yours is and whether you can deal with it... Use your anger to your advantage...And don't ever stop living your life...Decide what it is you want and go out and get it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 The anger I feel is fleeting. It comes in an instant and passes as quickly as it came. I was just about to sit and go through my phone bill to see if there is an evident pattern to our texts, but I dont have the energy. Besides what difference does it make. I can see now that he was farly aloof in the beginning, but I did sense a shift in his behaviour/contact towards me in the past few months. More phone calls, more and more texts etc. Hence our chat about our relationship. It was difficult to pick up lies when there were no truths to compare them to - but looking back I can see that there were laughs and coughs and nose touching going on - but none when I asked if he was open to a relationship with me. I wonder if the shift in attitude towards me was what his wife picked up on despite the fact that I havent seen him for a long time. I suspect that initially he was just looking for sex but then it became something more. I'm not saying in anyway this this guy has major feelings for me. Clearly he dosent or he would have been in touch - but something changed, am i making any sense? I wish I could go out and get what I want GEL - but I still want him. I cant stop my insides lurching and cant bear the butterlies when i think of him. Eveidently I am thinking of little else apart from him. Thank god for this forum, though I bet even on here I'm getting boring. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Doesn't matter if the anger is fleeting, its there, thats what counts! You aren't boring. Many of us have been where you are right now, and I can remember how much it hurts. Keep posting....post anything you want but please don't contact him. BURN the phone bills. Delete his number. I know its tough, you have to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 I cant delete his numbers, or his e-mail address. I just cant. I have a folder on my phone with 406 messages between us in the week or so before the wife called. They are all I have. Besides I cant delete his number from my head. And anyway I suspect she has made him change his number and bin the pay as you go that he evidently got to allow him to contact me. THE ONLY thing that is stopping me from contacting him is that it gives me the biggest chance of making him think of me. It jst feels very weird not to hear from him. He used to brighten my day. Now I just cry instead. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Please, please don't read over those emails. It will just make you more upset. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I cant delete his numbers, or his e-mail address. I just cant. Sure you can. Turn that anger away from yourself and towards him. Delete his numbers, remove any traces of him from your life and start the healing process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 I cant. I dont want to. I want to see him again. I want to get in touch. I know how hard this is to grasp - but its the truth. Thats why I wont delete anything. I dont want to. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 At some point you will. You're not ready. Yeah, it's tough to understand how you could want to hold on to this guy after what he's done. But emotions make people do strange things. Someday you will look back at this whole thing and shake your head and smile wistfully to yourself and wonder how you could have gotten caught up in such a mess...and be glad that it's all behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 I figure the reason I'm finding it so hard is that I am going against what I so dearly want to do. I'm fighting with my self. I'm doing what dosent come naturally to me. I remember saying that if I still felt like I wanted to contact him in 2 weeks I would. Thats now a week away. If I feel like this then I will. I wont be nasty, I would just wish him well, wish for him his dreams come true, and say goodbye. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 He stole 8 months of your life with his lies. He took your emotions under false pretenses. He abused you with his lies about his supposed near-death experiences. HE knows what a sh*t he is. And he knows his wife contacted you, so now YOU know what a complete liar and jackass he is. He's not contacting you anymore because he is a coward - he does not have the courage to face up to all his deceptions. It hasn't been very long since you found out what he really is. You're going to go through an emotional roller-coaster for a while, so don't beat yourself up about the feelings you are having. But do focus on your health, and your child. You will get past this, and you will recover once you've accepted that he never was that man you can lie in bed with and drink champagne - and that THAT man is out there waiting for you to heal from this jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 I wont be nasty, I would just wish him well, wish for him his dreams come true, and say goodbye. Sorry but that's pathetic. The guy wasted almost a year of your life by making up a fantasy and making you an unwittng actress. He lied to you, used you, and caused you a world of pain. And you are going to wish him well. That's like calling up a guy who raped you and saying you hope he wins the lottery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 I know it seems weird, but I doubt any anger will ever come towards him. Not really. What I will do will sink lower and lower accpeting that he didnt like me and used me, wonder why somebody would do that to me, wonder whats wrong with me, internalize evey last bit of it and then move on. ALL my firends and family are furious with HIM and ME as I am not getting angry. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 Depression is defined as "anger turned inwards". You run the risk of sinking into a deep depression over this, primarily due to your inability to accept what he has done and misplacing the anger. You need help. As in a licensed professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 Perhaps, but I do recognise the problem. I know I SHOULD be angry. The past few months have affected my relationship with my child, such was the stress when I thought he was in trouble. But at the moment no amount of therapy can work its magic quick enough for me to sort my issues before I'm out of this mess. Hence I continue to struggle doing what I know I must - NC - I just dont find it as easy as others would. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 You can use that. He affected your relationship with your child due to his lies. He didn't have to throw all that stuff in about him "almost being killed". That was all part of his "fun". What better reason to be furious than that? You're blaming yourself for falling for his lies. But in fact, he presented with a very believable story...all that stuff about climbing and having to be away. Most people would have believed it. So stop beating yourself up over it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 But at the moment no amount of therapy can work its magic quick enough for me to sort my issues before I'm out of this mess. Perhaps not. But you have your whole life to think about, and your relationship with your child. If you turn all this inward and internalize it, it will affect your mental health for a long time to come. Start getting help now to deal with your pain, and to deal with the resulting fall-out once you snap out of the fog. The therapy will help you come out the other end of this as a whole, healthy person - more so than if you bury it, and bury all the guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author imstunned Posted October 14, 2007 Author Share Posted October 14, 2007 OK. given everything that I have said about the situation, I just need to ask everyone who has been kind enough to respond if they suspect that this particular MM will be back in touch with me. Link to post Share on other sites
wizer Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 No, he won't be in touch with you. His fantasy has been shattered, like a china plate dropped on a ceramic floor. You were a performer in his play. The curtain has closed. It isn't about you anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 OK. given everything that I have said about the situation, I just need to ask everyone who has been kind enough to respond if they suspect that this particular MM will be back in touch with me. Ok, you need to stop focusing on whether he'll contact you again or not...Focus on moving on...Worry about what you're doing, not what he's doing...He needs to know that you can move on without him, that's what drives them crazy... And I can only think of one or two cases where the MM didn't contact the OW again...But that shouldn't be your focus...Focus on you, be positive...No one wants to be with someone who is dependent on another for their happiness... It hurts and it's hard, but you're doing well... (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 14, 2007 Share Posted October 14, 2007 OK. given everything that I have said about the situation, I just need to ask everyone who has been kind enough to respond if they suspect that this particular MM will be back in touch with me. Considering he never even told you his real name, no, he's not going to contact you. He never intended for you to know who he really is, and he never intended for you to be a part of his real life. Link to post Share on other sites
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