Discovered I'm the other woman

[marlena]

Considering he never even told you his real name

 

Stunned,

The above is sad but so true!!! He was an imposter from start to finish and in all likelihood this is how he will remain. Let it go!!

[wizer]

She is going to have to let him go in small pieces.

 

First she's got to come to terms with the fact that she's heard the last of him. Which is of course a good thing. If by some chance he does contact her, he's worse than a scumbag.

 

Then she's gotta stop blaming herself for falling for his lies.

 

Then she needs to accept the fact that it was never real.

 

Only then can she begin to heal.

[imstunned]

I expected to see about 20 replies saying "NO he wont be in touch". As it is the replies that I read last night that said NO broke my heart. I think he would be far less of a scumbag to contact me and say hello, godbye, sorry, take care, whatever. The NOT contacting me shows he dosent give a toss about me. I just cant put into words how utterly hurt I am that I can mean so little to this man who I lay next to in bed, who I was intimate with and who I felt a connection with.

 

Any way - I cant imagine I can sink much lower than reading replies to my posts on a forum on the internet in floods and floods of tears. When you get as low as you can go they say the only way is up.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just give it time. It is hard, but with time you'll find it getting a little easier every day.

[OpenBook]

Any way - I cant imagine I can sink much lower than reading replies to my posts on a forum on the internet in floods and floods of tears. When you get as low as you can go they say the only way is up.

 

Welcome to the human race.

[movinon05]

imstunned, i had a 7 yr R with a MM. it wasn't til about 5 yrs in that i realized he was telling me the most outrageous lies, but i still hung on. his last words to me, almost 3 yrs ago, were that he was leaving in two days. he has never spoken to me again.

 

my original reaction to that was "par for the course". he didn't have the guts to end it to my face. and then there was anger, that he was such a coward, especially after all those years. like, there was 7 years down the drain that obviously did not mean as much to him as it did to me. and i was very hard on myself.

 

what i came to realize was that i think i was one of the lucky ones. because when his cowardess showed his true colors, i knew i was better off without him. i didn't want someone like that in my life, who obviously loved himself more than he loved me. this is what you need to focus on. he loved himself more. and there is nothing he could say that will make you feel better, i assure you.

 

you just need to accept that he was not the perfect guy you seem to think he was, who he made himself out to be. this has been pointed out to you through all of this thread. open your eyes now and take him off of that pedestal you put him on. you will heal. lesson learned.

[whichwayisup]

The NOT contacting me shows he dosent give a toss about me

 

How about looking at it like this? He isn't contacting you because he could feel ashamed, embarressed, sick over what he's done to you. Maybe in his mind he is doing the proper thing by never contacting you again...He also probably doesn't want to hear what you have to say, because then he'll have to actually face up to what he's done to you, so it's easier for him to sweep it under the rug and disappear...

 

Please, stop beating up on yourself. You're going to have to deal with this stuff one day at a time and do it in baby steps. It will be hard, but you gotta get to the point where you stop blaming yourself! This sick man fooled you, roped you in, and for that, he will get his one day...What goes around, eventually comes around - So don't you worry, one will it WILL come back and bite him hard in the ass!

[norajane]

What goes around, eventually comes around - So don't you worry, one will it WILL come back and bite him hard in the ass!

 

Since his wife got a hold of his cell phone and knows he's up to something, I suspect it already is biting him in the ass. That could also be why he's not contacting you - his wife may have told him to cut off contact completely or else...

[Sweetcheripie]

Adding my two cents a little late here - stunned you are getting really good advice already.

 

But, maybe you should go check out the books on Scott Peterson. The guy in Modesto CA that killed his beautiful pregnant wife and was leading a double life. He was charming and no one knew what a sick SOB he was. Your story reminds me a lot of him.

 

So having said that ....and not trying to diminish your pain in any way. But please turn your focus around and THANK GOD for EVERY day he doesn't contact you!!!!!!! You were lied to, manipulated, and brought into a fantasy world. Whatever you had with him wasn't real.

 

Please contact a therapist. Get therapy NOW! I would throw the phone that has his numbers, emails, texts in the lake. Please be SO grateful you are alive, the man is gone. Really you got out with your life and don't even think about seeing him ever again. You never know the rage he may feel that his lies are now known.

[imstunned]

thank you all again for your words.

 

Sadly I cannot feel glad that he hasnt contacted me, everyday that passes that I dont hear from him hurts me more and more. I'm guessing he has had to delete my numbers from his phone, but I'd be easy to contact. He knows where I live, he has my e-mail, he could look up my home number etc.

 

Any number of things he would say could make me feel better, the fact that he would contact me at all would make me feel a million times better, then at least I would know he had thought of me.

 

I'm sure I appear quite pathetic. But I'm getting to the stage where I am past caring. I still cant quite get my head around the fact that he is married let alone the fact that I will never see him or hear from him again. Its just too much.

[whichwayisup]

Please go get some counselling. The way you're thinking about this isn't helping nor it is healthy.

 

Why would him contacting you, make you feel better? What are you looking for from him? Closure? An explanation? A second chance? Seriously, what is it that you want from this sick man?

 

You aren't pathetic at all, you've been hurt badly. But, in all honesty, this guy is GONE and never coming back. The sooner you accept this, get yourself into counselling and start healing, the better off you will be.

 

He wasn't 'real.' He wasn't the man you thought he was. He fooled you, roped you in. Yes, and that hurts and it's awful he did that to you, but right now there is nothing you can do except move on. If you continue waiting for this piece of sh.it, YOU will be the one who suffers more and more daily. The sooner you get pissed off and say f*ck it, get mad, want to move through this so you can live life happily again, the better.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I think sometimes we make a choice to be miserable, and the OP is doing that. There's nothing we can do or say that will make her happy unless she chooses to be happy. Unfortunately, at this time, her choice is to be miserable and to be a martyr, so that, if she believes it all to be her fault, then maybe the guy isn't so bad and maybe he might come back. Everything we say seems to be bouncing off, it's a conscious choice she is making.

 

To the OP, I really think you need external help on a physical face-to-face level. Please talk to your friends or family whomever you can talk to. Please also consider going to your local counselor or priest or whomever you can for support and to bring you out of this self-pity situation that you're working yourself into more and more.

 

Everyone here can only do so much. Please help yourself, please, please, please.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[imstunned]

I dont believe that its as simple as making a choice to be happy, beleive me I choose happiness!! I dont want to feel like this. I'm still fighting the urge to contact him, and am doing the very very best I can.

 

I dont understand how I can be expected to feel anything but utterly rejected by his nc. And there isnt a soul in the world that has the patience or inclination to talk to me about this, not in my family or circle of friends. They all get angry in about a nano second. I dont think anyone has even given me a call to see if I'm ok since discovering he was married. THATS why I'm here.

 

Your words are not bouncing off me - they are all going in and I am thnking about every reply. If it wasnt for you all I would have contacted him by now. My reasons for not contacting him are different from what the majority of you have expressed, but its the same result.

 

I dont know what to say, I dont want to try everyones patience on here as well as those in my real life. it probably looks really clear from the outside, but it feels anything but to me.

[Sweetcheripie]

Oh sweetie...its ok! Your friends and family most likely aren't calling because they don't know what to say. Try asking a really good friend out to lunch and just get out!!

 

But first call a therapist. Make an appointment right away. It is awesome that you feel safe on this board and it is helping you but you need a live person to look you in the eye and help you through this.

 

If you don't feel like calling for whatever reason - think of your child!!! What advice would you give your child? You would want your child to reach out for help and not go through this alone. You don't want your child to grow up believing it is ok to be a victim. Everyone gets lied to at some point - you just ran into a very skilled expert in the liars club. It is how we come out of these situations, stronger better people that is the lesson.

 

Not saying don't post - definitely keep posting - it is GREAT that you have gone this long with no contact. Pat yourself on the back!!! It is really hard for you but you are doing it. I'm relatively new to this board and I am so impressed with all of the awesome caring, intelligent people - it is amazing! They want to help!

[movinon05]

Since I've been in your shoes, I really need to ask...

 

After the things that he did to you, those outrageous things... pretending to be dead!............ could you really believe a word out of his mouth? Doesn't it bother you that he played those games with you? And if not, why not?

 

Why doesn't it bother you that he pretended to be dead or missing or whatever it was????????

[whichwayisup]

I'm not running out of patience, I will do my best to help you. I am sorry though that your friends and family aren't showing you the kind of patience, sympathy and understanding that you need. I know you need to vent and have people just listen, to have your feelings validated, if anything.

 

I guess there is no right answer right now. Time is on your side, that is the good thing. I just hope that in afew months you'll see that this guy really isn't who you thought he was and realize that you're wasting energy on him, in hopes he'll contact you.

 

What are your reasons for wanting to contact him? How are they different from what we're saying? Might as well put it out there, or if you aren't comfortable with that, then write him many letters...Just don't ever send them...Do this for theraputic reasons and to help you get the closure you need.

[sb129]

Stunned, i find alot of the time that reading other threads can help me get perspective. (you may find others who do try ones patience- and people still respond, so don't you worry about that!)

 

No offense at ALL to posters here, but now and then I read a thread which makes me so thankful for my life.

 

It was particularly helpful when I split from my exMM for the last time.

 

There are so many other people who are hurting as much as you, and many, like me, who have been there and are out the other side.

 

If anything, it should encourage you to keep going the way you are...

[marlena]

Why doesn't it bother you that he pretended to be dead or missing or whatever it was????????

 

Yes, you need to ask yourself why it doesn't bother you that he pretended to be dead or missing. This is pivotal. The healthy and normal thing would be for you to be so ANGRY and yes even FRIGHTENED with this man's irrational and perhaps sociopathic behavior.

 

Look, Stun. I know what you are feeling. I went through something similar just recently. I was with a pathological liar and master manipulator. Oh, the stories he would concoct. They could have won an award for fantasy fiction. Big lies (I am divorced) small lies (his mother's name for Christ Sake) just to give you an idea. When I realized what he was about after months and months of brainstorming I GOT SCARED!! Still am as a matter of fact. He contacted me just ten days ago once more and, though yes, I miss him (or who I thought he was- yes, tall, handsome, educated , articulate etc..) and am lonely, I am just frightened to go back. There's something rdreadfully wrong with him. I still watch my back. I rejected him and insulted (without meaning to) his manhood. And like one poster said, who knows what he can do when his rage buikds up to boiling point.

 

I think your guy belongs to the same category. Pretending you are dead, giving a false name...Come on Stun, you've got to know that only someone very sick can do something like that. He's not a kid playing pranks.

 

I know this is hard. It still is for me too. But THINK. We've both been handed out a rotten deal. It happens. But for our own safety, we NEED to saty away.

 

So far, you are doing well.

 

Keep posting. It helps.

[EnigmaXOXO]

One more try, from a different angle, than I promise to make a hasty exit of my own cause I’m all tapped out.

 

I’m sorta with the others. While I absolutely understand how emotionally out of balance you are, I’m worried you’re closer to going over the deep end with all this constant obsessing over making contact with this person again. It seems you’re so desperate to try and find something “good” and “genuine” about a person who wasn’t anything other than a phony con artist since the day you met him. It wasn’t just one lie. It was MANY. They weren’t little white lies . They were major deceptions, to the point where this guy qualifies as pathological.

 

And yet, you don’t want to accept the uglier version of reality, rather you prefer to continue inventing a fantasy “happy ending” for yourself ... with or without his help. NOW you’ve become your own biggest deceiver. And the only thing more detrimental to our well-being than the lies fed to us by others, are the lies we continue to tell ourselves.

 

When you consider what you have lost here, it really isn’t all that much. Really. Okay, so you’ll be on your own for awhile. No guy to coddle, coo and share a little time with. No more emails. No more phone calls. NO MORE LIES.

 

BUT ... at least you were more fortunate than the other woman in that you didn’t end up married to this turd. You don’t have to worry about losing your job, the roof over your head, the food on your table, or the welfare of your child. No bitter divorce or separation to anguish through. No finding out you married a cheater and someone with some disturbing emotional issues until it was too late and you were already stuck. You have lost NOTHING. You still have everything now that you had before this whole nightmare started. And most importantly ... you have a child that needs their Mommy far more than Mommy needs some fake-ayas man.

 

Please ... try to step outside yourself long enough to put it all back into proper perspective.

 

I’m done. I’m zapped. And from the bottom of my heart ... Good Luck!!!

[imstunned]

Since I've been in your shoes, I really need to ask...

 

After the things that he did to you, those outrageous things... pretending to be dead!............ could you really believe a word out of his mouth? Doesn't it bother you that he played those games with you? And if not, why not?

 

Why doesn't it bother you that he pretended to be dead or missing or whatever it was????????

 

It does bother me but I suppose I have tried to rationalise his behaviour.

 

I would guess that as he was married he couldnt get away very often to see me. To explain long times between seeing me he said he was away climbing. He could have so easily said I'm away to climb Mount Whatever - I'll be home in around 3 months. But he didnt - it seems that he wanted to keep in touch with me. I guess I'm flattered. But how is he going to do that when he is supposed up one of the highest mounitans in the world. He pretends to be his friend injured in hospital. He wants to keep me interested, but thats tricky as he is pretending to be his friend - so he makes up stories about being in trouble, accumilating in an outright "looks like ******** dead" on the last "expedition". I simply said that I was devestated, and quick came the news that he was ok.

 

Its weird, he wouldnt come clean about the climbing even after comming clean about being married. I confronted him about it and he insisted he was away.

[movinon05]

Look, mine lived in the same town and I hadn't heard from him in about 5 days. I never questioned him. Didn't even ask! But he felt compelled to tell me that he had been in the hospital and had an appendectomy! And hadn't I heard??????? Uh! No!!!!!

 

That was the beginning of the end cause it sounded so farfetched, I called the hospital to find out he was never there. And I was furious! You should be too, but you're not. And you're making excuses for him to make yourself feel better. Again, nothing he can say is going to make you feel better. What you are really craving is the contact from him. You think it would be enough for him to tell you he misses you, but he's going to work on his M. I assure you, its not going to be enough! In some ways, I wish he would. Because I'd bet my last dollar you wouldn't wish him well and really feel it! You would probably begin to get angry! And until you get angry, you cannot begin to heal and pull yourself out of this.

 

You need to want better... for you!

[norajane]

Its weird, he wouldnt come clean about the climbing even after comming clean about being married. I confronted him about it and he insisted he was away.

 

This won't make you feel any better, but he could have lied to protect himself from an even more awful truth...like, he was seeing someone else those times he was "away".

 

Did you meet him online? He could have easily been playing the same game with more than one woman.

[imstunned]

Thank you all for your words and patience. I am going to print off this thread and keep it. For now I am going to step away from the forum and let things sink in a little more. Hopefully I will feel stronger when I come back.

 

x

[imstunned]

This won't make you feel any better, but he could have lied to protect himself from an even more awful truth...like, he was seeing someone else those times he was "away".

 

Did you meet him online? He could have easily been playing the same game with more than one woman.

 

No - I dont think thats the case, but obviously I dont know. I didnt meet him online, and the sheer amount of contact with me while he was "away" would lead me to think he wasnt seeing anyone else - apart from his wife.

[imstunned]

you're making excuses for him to make yourself feel better. Again, nothing he can say is going to make you feel better. What you are really craving is the contact from him. You think it would be enough for him to tell you he misses you, but he's going to work on his M. I assure you, its not going to be enough! In some ways, I wish he would. Because I'd bet my last dollar you wouldn't wish him well and really feel it! You would probably begin to get angry! And until you get angry, you cannot begin to heal and pull yourself out of this.

 

You need to want better... for you!

 

So much for me staying away from the forum. I am not making excuses for this guy. I'm simply trying to understand why he did what he did. There must have been a motivation there for him somewhere. Liers lie for a reason, and his were tied into his relationship with me. My rationalisation of them dosent really make me feel any better at all, after all the man I wanted to be with is with his wife! But I cant see why else he would have done all of that.

 

And of course I'm craving contact with him. Texts were been exchanged at the ususal rate between us and then his wife called - and since I have heard nothing from him. If he contacted me and said he missed me/was sorry/was going to work on his M/ is would make me feel better because it would demonstrate that he was thoughtful enough to consider my feelings. To just cut me off like that is so so horrible.

 

And though I know some on here view what he has done as abuse, I dont find it helpful to think of things that way. But then some of you will say I am in denial and lying to myself, and then I get a bit confused as to whether I am seeing things clearly or not.

 

I do feel as though I am starting to make my way through this fog, I am still looking for answers, but am starting to settle on my own answers. Its prettly clear that they are a different set of answers from the what the majority that have posted here would find, but as long as they keep me from contacting him and let me move through it I'm not sure it matters.

 

ONLY he has the real answers, and even then I bet he is feeling pretty confused at the moment too. I'll never really know.