OWoman Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 ONLY he has the real answers, and even then I bet he is feeling pretty confused at the moment too. Exactly! Which is why you mustn't contact him. He won't, can't, give you the answers you're looking for. It's too soon for that kind of perspective - right now he'll be trying to appease his wife, trying to rationalise his behaviour towards you, trying to feel OK about it all to himself. If he had trouble being honest with you before, what are the chances of him being able to be honest with you right now, when he's under so much pressure? Strength, stunned, you're doing great and it WILL get easier!
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks OWoman, trouble is I am still hoping to hear from him, one day, and still fighting the urge to contact him, but I havent and I dont think I will now, I'd rather he was wondering about me than me being such and open book all the time. x
SoxPrincess Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 So much for me staying away from the forum. I am not making excuses for this guy. I'm simply trying to understand why he did what he did. There must have been a motivation there for him somewhere. Liers lie for a reason, and his were tied into his relationship with me. My rationalisation of them dosent really make me feel any better at all, after all the man I wanted to be with is with his wife! But I cant see why else he would have done all of that. And of course I'm craving contact with him. Texts were been exchanged at the ususal rate between us and then his wife called - and since I have heard nothing from him. If he contacted me and said he missed me/was sorry/was going to work on his M/ is would make me feel better because it would demonstrate that he was thoughtful enough to consider my feelings. To just cut me off like that is so so horrible. And though I know some on here view what he has done as abuse, I dont find it helpful to think of things that way. But then some of you will say I am in denial and lying to myself, and then I get a bit confused as to whether I am seeing things clearly or not. I do feel as though I am starting to make my way through this fog, I am still looking for answers, but am starting to settle on my own answers. Its prettly clear that they are a different set of answers from the what the majority that have posted here would find, but as long as they keep me from contacting him and let me move through it I'm not sure it matters. ONLY he has the real answers, and even then I bet he is feeling pretty confused at the moment too. I'll never really know. In regards to what I bolded above; why on Earth would he consider your feelings NOW when he lied, manipulated and essentially tore your heart out without a care in the world? Even though our circumstances are VERY different; when xMM left me, I obsessed over the "whys" and wondered what was true & what wasn't until I practically drove myself insane. I had to make myself angry in order to stop making excuses for him but you my dear, you should already BE ANGRY..PISSED in fact. This man played you like a fine tuned fiddle, he lied, he manipulated and not just the "normal" OM lies, he went far and beyond that. Can't you see that you are worth SO much more than this? Please strongly consider going to counseling to figure out what you are "OK" with someone who treated you like this; why you MUST have closure. This is unhealthy, beyond unhealthy sweetie and you have the power to make it better.
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 What would be unhealthy would be me contacting him saying lets have that affair. I'm not. I'm being as strong as I can be - for me. I'm not making excuses for his behaviour. Only trying to understand it. Why is that so wrong? Why does that make me in need of therapy? I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years in my early 20's. I cant remember if I mentioned that or not here. He hit me, spat on me and was emotionally abusive too. I think that If I hadnt have got out of that I would have ended up with broken ribs in hospital. Even then I never really got angry - I left him, didnt look back, and was of the opinion that he was pathetic and needed help. Therapy can help me look at some of the issues I have with rejection etc but it wont make me feel something I dont. I cant switch on anger when it just isnt there. I'm not saying I feel its ok to do what he did to me, but eventually when I put this behind me it will be with a feeling that my MM was deeply unhappy and troubled. It will be with a feeling that I am worth far more than this and this its his loss if he didnt recognise that. It will be with a recognition that I have a chance of true happiness while he is stuck in a situation he evidently dosent want to be in. It will be with a feeling of freedom. NOT ANGER.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm simply trying to understand why he did what he did. There must have been a motivation there for him somewhere. Liers lie for a reason, and his were tied into his relationship with me. His behavior was sociopathic, and his actions were pathological lies. In cases like that, there is nothing approaching reasons and motivations that will make sense to you. Whether it is calculating or compulsive: one thing is clear - his goal was to find a way to have an affair without his wife finding out, and without you catching on to any part of his real life and interfering with it. Sometimes it is human nature to believe the completely outrageous when it works for us, and deny the completely rational when it doesn't. He knew that too. That is how he was able to pull one over on you so easily. He knew you would believe him because he knew that you wanted to believe him. It is easy to lead a person down a path, when they are willing to go there.
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Sometimes it is human nature to believe the completely outrageous when it works for us, and deny the completely rational when it doesn't. He knew that too. That is how he was able to pull one over on you so easily. He knew you would believe him because he knew that you wanted to believe him. It is easy to lead a person down a path, when they are willing to go there. I'm sure you didnt intend for me to take this bit of your reply the way I have but I feel like it kind of implies that I allowed myself to be led on - to be tricked. I beleived him simply because I had no reason on earth not to. I dont know that I would do anything differently really if I had my time with him again, except to not get involved in the first place. I did question things that were a bit weird, and as soon as It came to light that he had told me just one lie I asked him if he was married, and the rest is history. Im also not sure how to behave with any other man I may date - if I ever dare go there. I dont want to become really wary, but either I trust untill I have a reason not to or I start out being untrusting. Feels all loose loose to me at the moment.
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm not making excuses for his behaviour. Only trying to understand it. Why is that so wrong? Why does that make me in need of therapy? Therapy will atleast help you with this: Im also not sure how to behave with any other man I may date - if I ever dare go there. I dont want to become really wary, but either I trust untill I have a reason not to or I start out being untrusting. Also, by going to therapy, the therapist can help you understand that the man you fell inlove with really doesn't exist. He made you feel alive, he made your heart sing...I think you miss how he made you feel rather than him as the person...Hope this makes sense. So much for me staying away from the forum I'm sure you've noticed already, but this place is kind of addictive!
Trimmer Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 It is easy to lead a person down a path, when they are willing to go there. I'm sure you didnt intend for me to take this bit of your reply the way I have but I feel like it kind of implies that I allowed myself to be led on - to be tricked. I beleived him simply because I had no reason on earth not to. No, you're right, it wasn't your fault that he tricked you. Again, what you gave was your honest best, and your trust, and what he gave was phony, fabricated betrayal. I took LB's point to be that we all want a good relationship with an interesting, exciting, stimulating person, and that's what he packaged up and sold you. Im also not sure how to behave with any other man I may date - if I ever dare go there. I dont want to become really wary, but either I trust untill I have a reason not to or I start out being untrusting. Feels all loose loose to me at the moment. I come at it from a slightly different angle (divorcing by my wife's choice, after being married 13 years), but I'm very much in the same state. I am quite wary, and I want to protect myself, but I can't imagine being fully "in" a relationship without risking something. It's a bind, a balance, and I don't know where it is...
SoxPrincess Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Stunned: In addition to xMM sounding like a pathological liar, it's also quite possible that he has narcissistic personality disorder. I am in no way trying to be an armchair shrink, but after dealing with someone with NPD in my past, it certainly sounds like this could be a possibility. Maybe if you did some reading on pathological liars & persons with NPD, it may help you in your quest to understand? Also, I didn't mean to upset you in my original post to you. I'm just going by what I've read in this thread; in the end, only you know why you feel the way you do and only you know what you need to do in order to heal. Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia in regards to NPD traits: At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis (as with many DSM diagnoses, they must form a pervasive pattern; for example, a person who shows these criteria only in one or two relationships or situations would not properly be diagnosed with NPD):has a grandiose sense of self-importanceis preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal lovebelieves that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special peoplerequires excessive admirationstrong sense of entitlementtakes advantage of others to achieve his or her own endslacks empathyis often envious or believes others are envious of him or herarrogant behavior Also, here is the link from the NPD page in Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder Again, not trying to play armchair shrink here but just trying to help
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 His behavior was sociopathic, and his actions were pathological lies. In cases like that, there is nothing approaching reasons and motivations that will make sense to you. Whether it is calculating or compulsive: one thing is clear - his goal was to find a way to have an affair without his wife finding out, and without you catching on to any part of his real life and interfering with it. Sometimes it is human nature to believe the completely outrageous when it works for us, and deny the completely rational when it doesn't. He knew that too. That is how he was able to pull one over on you so easily. He knew you would believe him because he knew that you wanted to believe him. It is easy to lead a person down a path, when they are willing to go there. This is a fantastic post. And I didn't take LBs post the way you did Imstunned, I took it the way Trimmer did. I took LB's point to be that we all want a good relationship with an interesting, exciting, stimulating person, and that's what he packaged up and sold you. . When we first fall for someone we either aren't aware of or a blind to their faults... you didn't KNOW his, hence the blindness. I wish you would stop heaping so much blame on yourself. You will never get the answers you want, because he won't be able to give them to you. There IS no rational explanation as to why a normal person would do such a thing.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm sure you didnt intend for me to take this bit of your reply the way I have but I feel like it kind of implies that I allowed myself to be led on - to be tricked. I beleived him simply because I had no reason on earth not to. I didn't mean it to sound that way. Sorry about that. The person at fault here, is him for exploiting your trusting nature, not you for having one. People like him know how to target and exploit vulnerabilities, and can manipulate you into taking whatever path they choose for you to take. He knew exactly what path to fabricate, and exactly how to trick you into going down it. He created the house of cards, and sold it to you as a castle. The fact that you saw a castle and not a house of cards is not something you can be held at fault for.
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 The person at fault here, is him for exploiting your trusting nature, not you for having one.. I wish Imstunned would see that....
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 HELP!! Thanks for all your kinds words, I'm feeling stronger today, BUT the urge to contact him is STRONGER than EVER. WTF?? I want to e-mail him and say "sod it - lets still have that affair". Like in some way to do that would be empowering for me. So when I'm very low I feel pathetic and am pining for him, when I feel stonger I feel assertive in getting what I want - HIM. Lets ignore all the issues of the lies etc - can anyone relate to this? Is this normal?
norajane Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 HELP!! Thanks for all your kinds words, I'm feeling stronger today, BUT the urge to contact him is STRONGER than EVER. WTF?? I want to e-mail him and say "sod it - lets still have that affair". Like in some way to do that would be empowering for me. So when I'm very low I feel pathetic and am pining for him, when I feel stonger I feel assertive in getting what I want - HIM. Lets ignore all the issues of the lies etc - can anyone relate to this? Is this normal? There wouldn't be an OW/OM forum if it weren't compelling to a lot of people. Most people don't wake up one day and decide they want to find a MM/MW to have an affair with. They meet someone, something clicks, they develop a relationship, and then get sucked into the affair. Even knowing that someone is married doesn't change the fact that they still want to be with that person. It doesn't make it a good choice, and it's often painful and damaging to themselves, but they still make the choice in order to be with that person. So wanting a guy who made you feel like a million bucks is not unusual. You fell for him and you fell hard. He obviously met some deep needs you have. Now you just have to get to the point where you realize he can't actually meet the most important needs and desires you have - a real, honest relationship with a man who can give of himself freely and openly - and who isn't lying about pretty much everything.
marlena Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Lets ignore all the issues of the lies etc - can anyone relate to this? Is this normal This is exactly what you shouldn't do. Ignore the obvious. You would be deluding yourself. We can't always have what we want and what we want is not always good for us. Wanting a pathological liar and a very disturbed man is not normal. Being in love with a murderer is not normal. But it happens all the time. I can understand the longing...he made you feel wonderfully alive, beautiful, desired and happy and these are the emotions you want to feel again. What you forget is that they were not real..he was not real. He was an imposter. Typically, most MM lie. He did not just lie. He invented stories. Some of them way overboard. This is not normal. To pose as another person and pretend you are dead are figments of a sick mind. Normal people do not behave like this. Stun, you must see him for what he did. Do a lot of reading like LJ suggested. I know it helped me clear up the fog in my head and see what had really been done to me. It hurts to be deceived so grossly, Ι know. But you must face hard facts. The longing will subside and the hurt will diminish if you let it. If you cling onto the strength you have so far been showing by not trying to reach him. You will not get the answers you are seeking. Just more outlandish stories. If in spite of all you know, you seek him out to have an affair, then, you must wonder what part of you is so emotionally damaged that you would seek to want to be involved in something so unhealthy. Stun, you've stayed away this long. You can do it. I'm really sorry you are going through this. I know it hurts like hell.
marlena Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Do a lot of reading like LJ suggested Sorry, I meant SoxPrincess
Trimmer Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I think it's normal to try to soothe whatever is the particular irritant that is most aggravating at the moment, but your instinct to do that can lead you into a situation that is not in keeping with the whole person you are. If you are desperate for validation of your desirablility, you may imagine getting that by reestablishing contact with him; you fantasize that he has some explanation that makes some kind - any kind - of sense to you, and that would make you "feel better", which I think means "feel better about yourself." Is this "normal"? Well, the emotional trauma you have suffered is not itself normal, but given that, I can understand you feel this way. However, let's look at the possible outcomes: (1) He "explains himself" to your satisfaction and you feel better, no more contact, you are done; (2) He fails to explain himself to your satisfaction, possibly feeds you more lies that you now see through, and you are more agonized now than ever, and further smothered under your blanket of self-blame; (3) You do as you say and get assertive and "get him", have the affair. I think you will agree that, in spite of how much you may wish for it, #1 is the very least likely to happen. How could he possibly explain himself, in any way that would make you feel better? Even if he tells you something you think you would like to hear now, like that he really did like you, in the end you'll be left with a dry, metallic taste in your mouth as you realize that you can't trust that any more than anything else he said. And if you do convince yourself to believe him, you will just be backsliding into his world of fantasy and betrayal. #2 would just throw you further down the same rathole you have already started to climb out of by being strong and not contacting him. Backward progress. And I see this as absolutely, by far, the MOST likely outcome of all 3. Right back where you started, although even worse off. And #3 - this is where I think you are trying to soothe an irritant with a solution that would wreck things much bigger in your life. You are proposing to assert yourself, from a position of strength, but to what end? Will it soothe some itch? Because it will result in you becoming exactly the person you don't want to be: you said yourself that you couldn't be with a MM, and I don't think you would want to be with a person who had lied and hurt you. So whatever is driving the impulse to contact him, to be with him, it is acting against the bigger image of how you see yourself as a person. I am worried for you that you are dealing with the stronger, and more painful (but also more useful) feelings in this situation by stuffing them down and swallowing them. Earlier, you were expressing anger (I think you typed it in all CAPS, even!)... oh, here it is: I'm also every now and then getting VERY VERY angry and am tempted to call his wife and tell her what a sack of S**T this guy is - from what I can gather his youngest baby was around 3 months old when we met! Then I get upset again as imagine him putting his baby to sleep or carrying it in a sling. He looked me in the eye and said he NEVER WANTED CHILDREN, that a life with a wife and kids didnt appeal to him at all - that he just wanted to climb!!! I was glad to hear you starting to feel this, as I think if you allow yourself to feel it and work through it safely, it can help to cut through the fog that Marlena talks about. I'm concerned, however, that now you sound like you will may just put that away and go quietly into the night. I think, although it's painful, that it is useful to accept and feel that anger, do some grieving for your very real loss of the image of the man you thought you were with (although remember, there's not a real man behind it,which is part of the loss...) I truly believe that if you just put those heated emotions away and button them up without feeling them, processing them some, they will simmer and boil and burst out in some way later in your life. I speak from experience.... It is painful, but getting them out now - allowing yourself to feel, instead of holding them in - is such a relief....
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks again, I can tell you all FOR SURE that if it wasnt for you all and this forum I would have contacted him by now. I feel really confused. That feeling of anger I had when i was tempted to call his wife was days ago and it passed as soon as it came. What is confusing me is that when I feel stronger I feel even more sure that I will be contacting him soon enough and resuming our affair. Its like I either feel strong or week but only in relation to HIM. When I feel strong and walk with my head held high its still him I'm thinking of. When I go to bed and dont cry myself to tears its still him thats on my mind. Does that make sense - like I'm still not moving forward. Sometimes I do think, and I have said it before, that contacting him wouldnt be the worst thing in the world, he would would probably (though I'm not so sure) ignore me - and that would be that, or he would get back to me. Also weirdly when I feel a bit stronger I have no doubt that he is thinking of me - how could he not? You dont go from communicating with somebody everyday (allbeit through texts and occasional phone calls) about your sexual desire for them and manage just to turn it off because the wife found out. What we had was an incredible chemisty and a amazing physical relationship. That was real. You cant fake that. I think there may be some power game going on between him and I - I have sensed it before - way before I knew he was married. Thats why I sometimes think this isnt done, we are both just waiting to see who caves first. Of course - I could have that ALL wrong. I could e-mail him and he'd see my name and roll his eyes thinking "oh no - not you - go away" and could be at home right now weeping and begging for his wifes forgiveness and realising that he will never love anyone like he loves her and that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. Maybe this is all part of the process, and tomorrow I'll be back to weeping again about how he never liked me etc and feeling pathetic again.
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 What we had was an incredible chemisty and a amazing physical relationship. That was real. You cant fake that. No, BUT one party can believe in it much, much more than the other, so in a sense, it can be faked to some extent if you have a willing party to buy into it. How can you even entertain the idea that he can't "fake chemistry" when he has faked so many other things over the last eight months? His chemistry towards you was probably dependent on you believing the fantasy life he had created for himself. Not to sound harsh, and its NOT a reflection on how desirable YOU are. You can be desirable without him wanting you, I can assure you. If he wanted you (in whatever guise), there are other men out there who will too. I think there may be some power game going on between him and I - I have sensed it before - way before I knew he was married. Thats why I sometimes think this isnt done, we are both just waiting to see who caves first.I doubt it- I don't think its anywhere near that complicated. He got busted by his wife, and all manner of sh*t will be going down in their household, not to mention he is probably on a curfew, has been made to delete your number, his wife may have even electronically tagged him. What do you mean "power struggle" and "who caves first" anyway? Who caves first to contact the other? A R isn't a competition to see who caves first. To be brutally honest, HE is the one who f**ked up so majorly, so if he wanted to keep the R going, HE should be the one to "cave first". Imstunned, I know I sound harsh. But Trimmer is right, there is no good outcome from contacting him. I CAN related to you thinking you will feel stronger if you have an affair with him. Having an affair is a cycle of feeling the lowest lows and then highs that aren't really that great in retrospect, but feel so good compared to those lows we think they are something "special". The highs: -You feel if you DO have an affair with him, you have "won", you get one over on his wife, -you are SO desirable that a man would stray for you, and take risks for you. -You are the one he 'really" loves, yet reasons X.Y.Z prevent him from leaving his wife and family. The lows (and believe me, they can be just as bad as what you are going through now): -you know the person is sleeping with someone else, -you get jealous of their kids/wife/family. -You never get to meet their family or close friends- (I found being being kept a secret demoralising and soul destroying). -You receive titbits of attention/ time that you clutch at desperately. -You don't get to spend holidays with them. -They can ditch plans at the drop of the hat because something 'important" comes up, and you have to like it or lump it. -You find yourself giving them ultimatums, or telling yourself you will give them just one more week to leave their wife (which turns into 5,10,20+). -You get used to hearing millions of excuses, including the ones YOU make for THEM -you have to justify the situation to your friends and loved ones who will mostly disapprove. This is my experience with being the OW. I know there are people on this forum who disagree and have happy Rs as the OW. However, after the amount of deception and upset, i am not sure you and this guy have what it takes, particularly as his W knows about you. Let him go Imstunned. Heal on here, we will help you. Please don't call him.
SoxPrincess Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks again, I can tell you all FOR SURE that if it wasnt for you all and this forum I would have contacted him by now. I feel really confused. That feeling of anger I had when i was tempted to call his wife was days ago and it passed as soon as it came. What is confusing me is that when I feel stronger I feel even more sure that I will be contacting him soon enough and resuming our affair. Its like I either feel strong or week but only in relation to HIM. When I feel strong and walk with my head held high its still him I'm thinking of. When I go to bed and dont cry myself to tears its still him thats on my mind. Does that make sense - like I'm still not moving forward. Sometimes I do think, and I have said it before, that contacting him wouldnt be the worst thing in the world, he would would probably (though I'm not so sure) ignore me - and that would be that, or he would get back to me. Also weirdly when I feel a bit stronger I have no doubt that he is thinking of me - how could he not? You dont go from communicating with somebody everyday (allbeit through texts and occasional phone calls) about your sexual desire for them and manage just to turn it off because the wife found out. What we had was an incredible chemisty and a amazing physical relationship. That was real. You cant fake that. I think there may be some power game going on between him and I - I have sensed it before - way before I knew he was married. Thats why I sometimes think this isnt done, we are both just waiting to see who caves first. Of course - I could have that ALL wrong. I could e-mail him and he'd see my name and roll his eyes thinking "oh no - not you - go away" and could be at home right now weeping and begging for his wifes forgiveness and realising that he will never love anyone like he loves her and that he has made the biggest mistake of his life. Maybe this is all part of the process, and tomorrow I'll be back to weeping again about how he never liked me etc and feeling pathetic again. Maybe YOU don't go from communicating everyday to nothing and maybe YOU can't just turn it off, but honey, MOST OM can and do! I felt the same things you did in regards to my xMM; the same feelings of chemistry, power..everything you described. I too convinced myself that he couldn't just turn it off and I talked myself into believing he was always thinking about me. I had the opportunity to talk to xMM a year after DDay and asked him about this; so much time had passed and he had no reason to lie. I came right out and asked if he was able to turn it all off and not even think about me after a year long affair and the answer? He said it was easy, very easy. He focused on his M, his wife & his children and in order to do that, he just pushed me out of his head and never gave it a second thought. He did admit to very rarely wondering how I was doing but never dwelling on it or wishing that it wouldn't have ended. My point here is, you can continue to delude yourself or talk yourself into believing things but you'll never heal if you continue to do that. We're all here for you; everyone has offered amazing advice but you have to take the steps to make YOU better. Only YOU have that power.
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 No, BUT one party can believe in it much, much more than the other, so in a sense, it can be faked to some extent if you have a willing party to buy into it. How can you even entertain the idea that he can't "fake chemistry" when he has faked so many other things over the last eight months? His chemistry towards you was probably dependent on you believing the fantasy life he had created for himself. Let him go Imstunned. I hear you but OUCH, OUCH, OUCH. I do agree that one party can feel it more than the other - but in between all the lies and deciet I think this is the one thing that was real. I'm a grown woman, I have had other sexual partners, I can tell the difference between sex, good sex, and flipping amazing sex. I have never ever in my whole life felt as desired and wanted as I did when I was with him. I was there - I know (felt & saw) the effect I had on him and he on me. And that chemistry - or spark was there right from the off, before all the waffle about the mountains. Thats why the whole thing has floored me so much as I started to think "was that not real" didnt he desire me, etc. And if I let myself go down that road again I'll be viewing myself as a free whore again. Not good. I'll try not to contact him, on Thursday it will be 2 weeks since I last heard from him. I dont jump out of my skin now when I get a text, but I do always feel sad when its not from him. I sitll think though that If I did contact him it may speed this whole thing up for me. I could e-mail him, he could ignore me, and then it would be done. i'd get it into my thick head that it really is over. Is it really really such a bad idea?
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I could e-mail him, he could ignore me, and then it would be done. i'd get it into my thick head that it really is over. Is it really really such a bad idea? And how is this a good idea? Seriously...How are you going to feel if he ignores you. Or what if he emails you back and is rude to you. Right now YOU have control by NOT contacting him. NOT being sucked back into this game of his. I think you'll regret contacting him, the minute you hit send.
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm sorry about the ouch ouch bit. His desire probably was real- I doubt that he suddenly found you repulsive! But desire is different to love, you know that. Desire doesn't necessarily mean he will throw away his marriage for you. Millions of people out there have hot passionate, chemistry-charged sex with someone who isn't their spouse. Thats the easy part....
Author imstunned Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 And how is this a good idea? Seriously...How are you going to feel if he ignores you. Or what if he emails you back and is rude to you. Right now YOU have control by NOT contacting him. NOT being sucked back into this game of his. I think you'll regret contacting him, the minute you hit send. I'll feel crap if he ignores me, angry if he is rude as there is no need to be, but I think it may help me get it into my head that its OVER. That he dosent want to see me anymore. At no point has he ever said that, so I dont know what he is thinking. i'm sure I should be taking the NC from him as him saying its over, but I have read of so many cases where they have got back in touch. I'd probably be better off if he told me to get lost. I'm used to long gaps of NC between him and I as he was "up a mountain". So this just feels like it always has, and I think thats part of the problem. There has alway been lots of contact, and then nothing, then contact resumes. And thats how it is now, hard to really grasp that now its different when it feels the same. Does that make sense? Also by contacting him it feels to me that I am taking control of the situation, and that by not I'm just fighting the urge to do it. I dont want to find myself waking up to an e-mail from him in a months time and back to square one. Blimey, why of all the people in the bar that night did I have to walk into him?
sb129 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I think it may help me get it into my head that its OVER. That he dosent want to see me anymore. At no point has he ever said that, so I dont know what he is thinking. i'm sure I should be taking the NC from him as him saying its over, but I have read of so many cases where they have got back in touch. You want to contact him on the off chance that it ISN"T over. Stop kidding yourself! You KNOW its over, the NC from him is definitely a big indicator- but how come HE dictates whether it is over or not? If you really want to be in control, YOU say its over, and thats why YOU are not contacting HIM. If you contact him, your resolve will crumble, and you will feel crappy.
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