annieo Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 During a get-together with another couple one evening (we're two married couples), the other h (when his w and my h were not present), basically told me that he has me on the brain all the time recently and if things don't "work out" with my h, I should get in touch with him. At first I passed it off as a joke, more the result of too much wine that emotion, but he went on to say that he has felt this way for a while. He then got kind of guilty/sad and said he feels like a ****, because he is happy with his wife...but he really thinks I am amazing. We have always had what I would qualify as a friendly and maybe, occassionally, mildly flirtatious relationship. I really like them both and don't want to lose their friendship. But now I don't know how to act and I am a little afraid that this might come up again. Can I just ignore this, pretend it didn't happen, and go on as before (which is what I want to do)? FYI I told my h about it. He was a little pissed but is willing to act as if all is as normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Ugh... I'd avoid the guy at all costs. Just hang with his wife doing girl stuff! Eventually he will get the picture. You watch... I'd bet he goes looking for another girl sometime soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Capricorn Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I had the same thing happen to me!!! One of my best friends husband told me he had a thing for me! Now that this guy let the cat out of the bag he might keep trying to get somewhere with you. I would tell the wife!! Wouldn't you want to know if your man did this? I told my friend what her husband said to me and she was glad I was honest with her. It may go the other way, the wife might blame you even if you did nothing but the frienship with the husband will never be the same now that he told you his real feelings. I feel it's always best to tell the truth. If this guy is soo happy with his wife he wouldn't be putting the moves on you and would be happy to just be friends with you! You can't truelly love more than one person at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 i can tell you from experience that it is difficult enough to be in a relationship with a married person whose spouse you don't know personally, so i can't imagine what it would be like for you, or anyone in that situaion. all i can say is don't do it, though it doesn't seem like you are going to anyway. if this were your husband telling your friend this, would you want your friend to tell you about it? Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 As a disclaimer i should tell you I haven't had direct experience with that scenario, what a bind for you! But going on reasoning, I would gander that acting normal like it never happened is not good. He will read your consistency as some kind of affirmation or possible hope, even if it is not. I think things will get messy and too intense and any hopes of "normalacy" at this point are shattered. Distancing and a change in how things used to be may be better. The real issue then would be what to say if his wife ever asked you why you 2 don't come around as much. At this point, maybe telling her would be better before it gets to the questions and you find yourself lying to protect him! I would want to know, wouldn't you? It's going to get bad, may as well have clean hands by being upfront with your friend. I think he was fishing and using being drunk as an excuse to see your reaction. Messy messy messy. Try some Distancing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Squeak, you always fill in the stuff I dont cover! Your either a mind reader or a genious, or both! Acting normal will give him hope! Link to post Share on other sites
Author annieo Posted October 8, 2007 Author Share Posted October 8, 2007 Distancing I have been doing (which sucks, because I love hanging out with them, usually). I don't think saying anything to her is a good idea, probably because I'm chicken and I don't want to get blamed somehow). And it's not like he tried to arrange a meeting or anything. Just a simple admission of "feelings". Also, I am hoping that it was a one-off, although since this has happened, I've been looking at other things he has said in a completely different light. I'm beginning to think that he has always been a little "besotted" (pardon the old fashioned term - I majored in English Lit, can't you tell!) with me, for the past several years, and only now has had the courage (or dutch courage, isn't that what they call too much drink) to tell me. We are all going to be together at a social event in about 3 weeks and she has suggested that we share a car there,which fills me with dread. I don't want to act weird, because normally we would have said "hell, yeah" Why did this guy have to mess up what was a beautiful friendship. It isn't often that 4 people get along as we do. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Squeak, you always fill in the stuff I dont cover! Your either a mind reader or a genious, or both! Definitely a genius mind reader! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 People don't make confessions of this nature unless they want something. In doing this, he's hoping to illicit reciprocal emotions from you. Notice that you're now thinking of him more and in a different way? Keep your distance. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Why did this guy have to mess up what was a beautiful friendship. It isn't often that 4 people get along as we do. For that very reason it was bound to happen. In any situation where the mutual fan club is going on, someone is going to start acting weird. And it will change everything. Whenever I get on swimmingly with another couple, I still keep a distance, never having regularity is the key to maintaining those friendships. The more people of opposite sex hang out, and especially when spouses start getting comfortable to let their SO's go out without them with the other MM/MW it's going to happen. Take another car, don't go in that one. Reading ahead, if the wife gets into an argument or picks up he has feelings for you, finds out you continued on like normal without telling her-you are going to get the shaft. Avoid it! Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 I don't think saying anything to her is a good idea, probably because I'm chicken and I don't want to get blamed somehow). Why did this guy have to mess up what was a beautiful friendship. It isn't often that 4 people get along as we do. Well, to be totally honest... its probably cause you were willing to flirt with him! In fact... he suggested that if "things dont work out with your husband", which is kind of an odd comment to make. Especially if you and your husband are happy and stable. Yes, saying something to her may make YOU look like the guilty party and he just turned you down. Now if you need to have something said... then have your husband do it. It will be much harder to see him as having an alterior motive. Link to post Share on other sites
MeAndNotHer Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 People don't make confessions of this nature unless they want something. or maybe he really was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. many people have been emboldened by booze. i once convinced a very nice man that i was happy to have my wedding at his house in argentina, my whole family would fly there and it would be glorious. i didn't remember the conversation until someone brought it up the next day. i wasn't engaged, and i have no intention of ever flying anywhere. silly, but it happens. might not be what happened here, but people don't mean everything they say when under the influence! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 or maybe he really was drunk and didn't know what he was saying. many people have been emboldened by booze. i once convinced a very nice man that i was happy to have my wedding at his house in argentina, my whole family would fly there and it would be glorious. i didn't remember the conversation until someone brought it up the next day. i wasn't engaged, and i have no intention of ever flying anywhere. silly, but it happens. might not be what happened here, but people don't mean everything they say when under the influence! Being drunk tends to enhance and embolden existing propensities... Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted October 8, 2007 Share Posted October 8, 2007 Being drunk tends to enhance and embolden existing propensities... Agree! The exception to the rule is just that, the rare exception. Plus the original poster said she realized the behavior was there all along, in retrospect. Link to post Share on other sites
MeAndNotHer Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Being drunk tends to enhance and embolden existing propensities... oh okay. i guess deep in my heart then, i was wishing for a wedding in argentina, a country i never thought twice about, to a man i didn't have. i just didn't realize it until after the chardonnay. come on now. sometimes, people just talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annieo Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Well, to be totally honest... its probably cause you were willing to flirt with him! In fact... he suggested that if "things dont work out with your husband", which is kind of an odd comment to make. Especially if you and your husband are happy and stable. Yes, saying something to her may make YOU look like the guilty party and he just turned you down. Now if you need to have something said... then have your husband do it. It will be much harder to see him as having an alterior motive. By "flirting"I mean he would say something sweet or complementary (e.g., later in the evening, at my wedding, he said I looked like a flower wrapped up around a beautiful woman (also when drunk, with my h, his w and other people right around) and I said something like, "Oh you old charmer! You get a hug for that". I thought it was all very playful and innocent. I guess what I am grappling with is that maybe he really meant everything he's said and I have just passed it off as drunken flattery. This might sound naive, but I am usually quite shocked and incredulous whe someone finds me attractive. So I am getting the impression that acting like nothing happened is a bad, misleading move. Am I correct? Because it is my first, cowardly impulse. Fine. So then what do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 oh okay. i guess deep in my heart then, i was wishing for a wedding in argentina, a country i never thought twice about, to a man i didn't have. i just didn't realize it until after the chardonnay. come on now. sometimes, people just talk. I'm guessing your propensity is spinning tall tales. Link to post Share on other sites
MeAndNotHer Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 I'm guessing your propensity is spinning tall tales. guess away, but i really don't think so. it doesn't seem to happen often. pretty ridiculous though, i know. just making a point. no different than a drunk guy telling a girl he loves her so she'll sleep with him at a fart party. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annieo Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I've told some tall ones in my day, but while his motives may not have been pure, I think he really meant what he said in the moment. And by the way, meandnother, what's a fart party. Glad I've never been to one of those. Just teasing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 By "flirting"I mean he would say something sweet or complementary (e.g., later in the evening, at my wedding, he said I looked like a flower wrapped up around a beautiful woman (also when drunk, with my h, his w and other people right around) and I said something like, "Oh you old charmer! You get a hug for that". I thought it was all very playful and innocent. I guess what I am grappling with is that maybe he really meant everything he's said and I have just passed it off as drunken flattery. This might sound naive, but I am usually quite shocked and incredulous whe someone finds me attractive. So I am getting the impression that acting like nothing happened is a bad, misleading move. Am I correct? Because it is my first, cowardly impulse. Fine. So then what do I do? LOL... I think at this point you have some strong imperical evidence that you are beautiful and attractive! I mean you got 2 guys interested - minimum! The trick with some guys is... if you accept a compliment from them they think your interested. I have a friend... and any girl who even says "hi" to him... makes him feel like she is way into him. Its crazy I know... but some guys are nuts. Yeah... he ended normal when he started hitting on you! No going back. I'd plot any further strategy with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author annieo Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks, Cobra, for the sound, witty advice and the props. The plotting (or damage control, as my h and I like to call it) is well underway. Bit tricky, but not impossible. Feeling a bit pissed off about being put in this position in the first place, a bit worried I will ream the other h out royally given the chance. Really want to save the other w from any unnecessary hurt (and it is unnecessary, since nothing is going to happen, with me at any rate). Link to post Share on other sites
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