One strange situation

[Guest]

Hey. I'm in a similar situation to 'Staying Friends With an Ex?' but with a twist.

 

 

 

Just between Christmas and New Years my girlfriend and I broke up after 18 months. We have had a shaky relationship for a short while, but nothing that was ever that bad, as I now realise. Anyway, New Years party, as friends, she was getting friendly with this other guy that we know (platonic she says, yeah) and I got upset. When we broke up a few days earlier, she said we'd still hang out like normal and that nothing would really change. Ha! I told her over a week ago, that I wanted to try again - REALLY try and make it work. She didn't want to, so instead of compromise my feelings for her I told her I couldn't see her. She made out that she didn't care.

 

 

 

Anyway, just when I thought things couldn't get much worse, a week after I closed contact with her, one of my best friends died. She new him, so I had to break the news. She took it really hard, and couldn't understand why it happened.

 

 

We talked later, I told her that I loved her to death but don't want to pressure her into a relationship. She says she still loves me but can't get back together with me because she doesn't want to hurt me, has a crush on this other guy (bastard) and has convinced herself that she will never get back with me. She says she really misses me, though.

 

 

 

She told all my relatives on Christmas day that she would never break up with me again...

 

 

 

After having my friend die, it really made me think about things. My ex actually said at the wake, 'After everything, love is the only thing that matters.' I see the way she looks at me, touches me... I can't figure her out. Anyone got any ideas? I'd really appreciate it.

 

Paul

[No longer...]

Wow Paul -- that is quite a twist there. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I cannot imagine having to deal with two losses like that in such a short period of time.

 

In your situation, I can only imagine, but won't pretend that I know exactly the feelings you are going through. I will venture to say though that your need to have her in your life right now is probably very great, and the loss of her now at this time is probably felt even more.

 

With that said, the only thing that has kept me going, now that I have told her that I can't be friends because it simply hurts too much right now, is to look for comfort with other people in your life. My only worry is that relying on her now to help you get through this loss might only make things more painful in the future. You may also get caught up in the "wondering" and the games and jealousy and all that I was feeling up until making the decision that I can't be friends with her at this point. If she truly loves you, the best thing is to let her go right now -- for your own emotional well-being. It's funny how much people appreciate you when you suddenly disappear from their life. See how she reacts.

 

Either way, I would go nuts knowing that she was seeing someone else -- that would just hurt me so much, and I'm no martyr for love.

Hey. I'm in a similar situation to 'Staying Friends With an Ex?' but with a twist. Just between Christmas and New Years my girlfriend and I broke up after 18 months. We have had a shaky relationship for a short while, but nothing that was ever that bad, as I now realise. Anyway, New Years party, as friends, she was getting friendly with this other guy that we know (platonic she says, yeah) and I got upset. When we broke up a few days earlier, she said we'd still hang out like normal and that nothing would really change. Ha! I told her over a week ago, that I wanted to try again - REALLY try and make it work. She didn't want to, so instead of compromise my feelings for her I told her I couldn't see her. She made out that she didn't care. Anyway, just when I thought things couldn't get much worse, a week after I closed contact with her, one of my best friends died. She new him, so I had to break the news. She took it really hard, and couldn't understand why it happened.

 

We talked later, I told her that I loved her to death but don't want to pressure her into a relationship. She says she still loves me but can't get back together with me because she doesn't want to hurt me, has a crush on this other guy (bastard) and has convinced herself that she will never get back with me. She says she really misses me, though. She told all my relatives on Christmas day that she would never break up with me again...

 

After having my friend die, it really made me think about things. My ex actually said at the wake, 'After everything, love is the only thing that matters.' I see the way she looks at me, touches me... I can't figure her out. Anyone got any ideas? I'd really appreciate it.

[Guest]

I appreciate your concern, and thanks for the advice.

 

 

 

I have had a lot of support from my friends and family through the whole course of the breakup and my friends' passing. I really feel for his girlfriend - he had proposed to her a short while back.

 

 

 

At the moment, I'm really angry with my ex. From what I know as fact, she has a crush on him and has kissed him since we broke up. One week. The thing is, she didn't have the guts to tell me - she seemed to rather want to keep me as a mushroom - kept in the dark and fed nothing but crap. I'm taking her to the funeral tomorrow - I have no idea how she is going to be afterwards. I have no clue.

 

 

 

However, if she really thinks that this other guy can treat her better than I can, and he is what she wants - then by all means, she can have him. But she has to realise that however much I love her and she loves me, I might not be around to help pick up the pieces when she realises she has made a mistake.

 

 

 

And don't worry, I'm not relying on her - she can't even rely on herself right now.

 

Paul

Wow Paul -- that is quite a twist there.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your friend.

I cannot imagine having to deal with two losses

like that in such a short period of time.

In your situation, I can only imagine, but

won't pretend that I know exactly the feelings

you are going through. I will venture to say though

that your need to have her in your life right

now is probably very great, and the loss of her

now at this time is probably felt even more.

With that said, the only thing that has kept

me going, now that I have told her that I can't

be friends because it simply hurts too much right

now, is to look for comfort with other people

in your life. My only worry is that relying on

her now to help you get through this loss might

only make things more painful in the future. You

may also get caught up in the "wondering"

and the games and jealousy and all that I was

feeling up until making the decision that I can't

be friends with her at this point. If she truly

loves you, the best thing is to let her go right

now -- for your own emotional well-being. It's

funny how much people appreciate you when you

suddenly disappear from their life. See how she

reacts.

Either way, I would go nuts knowing that

she was seeing someone else -- that would just

hurt me so much, and I'm no martyr for love.

 

 

 

 

[No longer...]

Yeah I totally feel for you on that one. When I got out of the 5-year "big one" (a few years ago), I LATER (like a year later) found out that she had started dating someone like 3 weeks after the breakup. I was crushed by how she could move along that fast when it took me so long to get over the situation. But that just tells you a bit about the emotional stability of the person you chose to be with. In many ways, it made closure of the situation much easier. Perhaps that will help you here too. Good luck.

I appreciate your concern, and thanks for the advice. I have had a lot of support from my friends and family through the whole course of the breakup and my friends' passing. I really feel for his girlfriend - he had proposed to her a short while back. At the moment, I'm really angry with my ex. From what I know as fact, she has a crush on him and has kissed him since we broke up. One week. The thing is, she didn't have the guts to tell me - she seemed to rather want to keep me as a mushroom - kept in the dark and fed nothing but crap. I'm taking her to the funeral tomorrow - I have no idea how she is going to be afterwards. I have no clue. However, if she really thinks that this other guy can treat her better than I can, and he is what she wants - then by all means, she can have him. But she has to realise that however much I love her and she loves me, I might not be around to help pick up the pieces when she realises she has made a mistake. And don't worry, I'm not relying on her - she can't even rely on herself right now.