BF Chews w/mouth open and makes loud noises when he eats

[Guest]

Hi!

 

More from Soul Sista / Worry Wart.

 

I love my sweet sweet sweet boyfriend more than words can say.

He is a really strong masculine man, and he's vulnerable and sensitive at the same time. He looks like Pierce Brosnan for pete's sake! Seriously.

 

He's warm, adventurous, sociable, and ambitious and ever tolerant and supportive of me.

 

AND he chews with his mouth open. And it makes horsey sounds.

?!!!????!!! This is an educated, refined man.

 

At first, I was more like "oh--I'm so embarrassed for you Somehow you've gotten through 34 years without anyone pointing this out to you. Hmmm... how to say something without embarrassing you?? And yet, geez, I gotta say something...people consider this rude, uncivilized behavior AND you pride yourself in being a civilized, polite, kind person, which you totally are, so I can't just let it go!"

 

So I was super quick and just said "Doh! You're chewing with your mouth open." To which he turned red, looked downward and said "You're right!"

 

That was 6 months ago.

 

I've gone from super light, quick pointing out statements, to more elaborate commentary on social ettiquitte, even saying that if we lived in certain other countries, he might be rude NOT to chew with his mouth open. Just like in Japan (?) it's polite to belch after you eat. It shows you appreciated the cooks efforts. Likewise, in the US, you would be very rude to belch publicly. This shows how it's random and arbitrary that we happen to live somewhere where it's rude to chew with your mouth open.

 

He's a very bright person and we talk philosophically a lot, so this was similar to other discussions we have had.

 

These approaches have not worked.

 

So--my next thing was just to say "Doh!" "Doh!" "Doh!" a few times during one meal at the exact moment he was doing it. We have dogs, so the theory is you can't scold them 5 seconds AFTER they do something bad, you must condition them at the exact moment of that behavior.

 

Nothing.

 

Now I actually make a gesture like my fingers are keeping my mouth closed. This seems to be the least tension producing, and still vigilant thing to do.

 

Nada.

 

He says "yes, yes, I'm working on it." Clearly he isn't! And I have gone from feeling genuine empathy, to caring only in the context of not wanting to offend friends, family and guests at meals, to now feeling stuck. I'm dammed if I let it go, and dammed if I don't!

 

This is soooo stupid. I don't make social ettiqutte rules, and I really don't care. And at the same time, I obey ettiquitte rules just because if I'm going to make a statement, I'll make it about politics or something I value. I don't want to needlessly offend or repulse people, and he's not that way either. He truly cares for people. And he's super hygenic and well dressed. SO WHAT UP?!!!!

 

I'd let the whole thing go altogether, and yet the insecure side of me is like "no! I don't want to have him do that publicly because of my affiliation with him romantically." I'm having a hard time letting him own his behavior, and really feeling neutral about the results.

 

He says it's hard for him to breathe through his nose. This is b.s. because I was married/partnered for 10 years before to someone who had CHRONIC allergies and was seriously legitimately stuffed up 24/7 and this was not ever an issue I encountered. That one snored--that was the issue there. This one sleeps very quietly. I mentioned this fact to him as well.

 

What is a girl to do?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "What is a girl to do?"

 

Feed him food that is predigested, feed him protein shakes he can take in with a straw, or give him his nutrition intraveinously.

 

Before you try the above, you could make a video of him eating and show it to him so he sees just how unclassy he looks chewing with his mouth open.

[quankanne]

[color=darkred]Just like in Japan (?) it's polite to belch after you eat[/color]

 

ROTFLMAO

 

you've just reminded me of the holiday dinners we had when I was a kid. After he was done eating, my daddy would belch as loudly as he could, my mom would scold, "Modesto!", and then he'd tell her, "you know, in SOME foreign countries it's considered a compliment to the chef to do that ..." Which of course would get us kids howling.

 

consider your work done, as far as trying to school your honey in proper eating ettiquette. If he was interested in trying to correct the problem, he'd have done so by now. Just stop watching him eat, or even stop having meals with him if it bugs you that much, because it just doesn't sound like he's going to correct it.

[Debster]

Sounds to me like you've got yourself a pretty good boyfriend.

 

Yeah, he chews with his mouth open and makes horsey sounds - big deal. He's been doing it for so many years that it's probably a habit now - and he's not doing it to irritate you.

 

More importantly:

Does he treat you well?

Does he make you laugh?

Does he make you happy?

 

Quite frankly - the way you're treating him is pretty awful. You are not his mother. I believe that constantly nitpicking on someone is far ruder than chewing with his mouth open. But that's just me.

 

You need to decide for yourself - can I accept this guy warts and all - or not?

[yes]

Eating habits IS a problem. A couple I know have similar issues, and believe me, even after 20+ years, the lady hasn't gotten used to it. It gets especially bad when they fight & the nasty eating just adds to the fire.

 

So watch out... if you can live with it - cool, but it's not likely to get much better because such habits are extremely hard to break. He probably learnt it from his folks.

 

good luck!

-yes

[guest]

Everyone--

 

Thank you for your insights and ideas.

 

Yes, I am absolutely not his mother--I am his hottie romantic companion and confidante. And I do not want to be disrespectful.

 

And--yeah--I could see how a small issue could blow up into something big after 20 years

 

So--I've decided to lay off for awhile and see what happens!

 

Thanks!

[Carly]

I don't think you are really done with this battle yet -- you're just taking a break to refuel.

 

If you ask me, this is really an issue of control and passive aggression.

 

We all want some control over our partners in relationships. You want to control him to an extent, and he wants to control you. The problem is when we want too much control over our partner. Just wait, I'm not saying that you necessarily want too much control in this case. First answer this:

 

With your sweetie, is open chewing just one of MANY niggling little issues that, er, just eat away at you (pardon the pun). If so, then maybe the problem is that you ARE too controlling and judgemental and he's not going to put up with it anymore, hence no improvement on the food chewing.

 

Or can you honestly say that you pick your battles, and this is just ONE IMPORTANT thing about him that you have a lot of difficulty with. If so, fair enough. We all have those silly but important issues.

 

If his chewing habits really and truly bug you (for whatever reason, it doesn't matter), and you are only asking one small thing from him because it is so important to you, then WHY, OH, WHY won't he change it for you?!

 

I am wondering if your dilemna here is really about seeing a stubbornness in him that is much more bothersome that chewing with his mouth open. It's not just that he refuses to ckick a habit that is genuinely rude. It's that he WON'T BUDGE on something that DRIVES HIS PARTNER NUTS!! When he makes lame excuses (can't breath otherwise), you might even be wondering if he's really saying to you, "I'll be damned if you're going to change me, honey!!"

 

My husband for some reason hates the front closet left open -- something I used to do and still can't see the big deal. But the point is, I forced myself to get into the habit of closing the closet door after myself, because he isn't normally a control freak over niggling details, and it obviously meant alot to him. Who knows why this was important to him -- that really doesn't matter.

 

Much more important is knowing that our partner is willing to just give on the little things once in a while, if for no other reason they are important to their loved ones.

 

Just some thoughts to chew on....

[HokeyReligions]

So, uh, every time he starts chewing with his mouth open, stick your finger in your nose and pull out something big and juicy and fling it at him!

 

 

Or, keep a few pubic hairs where you can reach them, then when he starts chewing with his mouth open, reach down and "scratch" yourself, pick up the pubic hairs, and flick them onto his plate.

 

In other words, find something that grosses him out and give him a taste of his own medicine.

 

I have to say that I have some severe sinus problems and often I have to eat without closing my mouth because I simply cannot breathe through my nose. In those cases I either eat alone, or I cover my face with a napkin while I'm chewing so that people think I'm just patting my mouth, and after I swallow I can just keep my mouth open slightly to breathe. If he really has breathing problems that might offer a solution and compromise.

[guest]

So--

 

I've just let it go...and it seems to be abating.

 

I have also taken to occasionally chewing with my mouth open

and making horsey noises, and he grimaces and says 'that's disqusting!' I am being very silly when I do that--and I don't even realize I'm doing it--like it isn't a deliberate invitation for an argument--I'm just being silly.

 

So--perhaps the combination of the two has hit home? He seems to be managing the situation on his own.

 

And--yeah, to the 'control' issue---this is a minor one, and there are all sorts of little habits we're each developing on eachother's behalf...putting toothbrushes away, loading dishwasher a certain way, yadda yadda.

 

I think overall it's very funny. And I'm very relieved to see progress! Thanks all!