she got cold feet, canceled wedding, I get girlfriend, its been 4 months now

[lost66]

Ok, short version i guess. My girlfriend of 4 years, living with for 3 got cold feet 6 weeks before the wedding. We had a great relationship, so I thought. 2 days after I met a woman at a buddy's wedding. We started dating, she is great - beautiful, smart, etc., etc. but she is in the middle of a divorce, has 2 kids and her husband is an idiot. I have never been married and have no kids.

 

Our relationship has gone very quickly with her staying at my house when she doesn't have the kids. Lately though, her husband has not been very helpful with the kids, the divorce has gotten "ugly", and she has been stressing hard. Recently she told me that she will now have less time for me because of her work schedule, kids, and current situation.

 

I understand and I am trying to lay off by not calling her but its hard. I then start to think that maybe she is not for me and now I am back to where I started 4 years ago...single. All of my friends are now married and most of all of them have kids. I have a very successful career but no family. The woman that I was engaged to was 7 years younger than me. I am scared to date anyone that younger again. But, anyone older seems to have already been married, had kids etc.

 

PLEASE give me some feedback.

[norajane]

What feedback do you want?

 

About the woman you're dating? Get out, now. She's in the middle of a messy divorce. No matter what happened to cause it, a divorce is a HUGE emotional drain and causes major upheaval in a person's mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Meaning - she is nowhere near ready and able to be in a serious relationship with anyone! She needs to finalize her divorce and spend some time standing on her own two feet before she'll be whole and healthy enough to truly be in a relationship for the right reasons. Right now, you are her band-aid, her escape, her exit. But she is still smack in the middle of her marital problems - at best, you are a rebound.

 

Feedback about you? You are in major rebound mode! 2 DAYS after your bride-to-be dumped you just 6 weeks before your wedding, you're suddenly all involved with someone else? You don't see how that's a rebound? How YOU aren't ready to be in a serious relationship after the abrupt end of a 4 YEAR relationship with a woman you loved so much that you were going to commit to her for your entire LIFETIME? You gave yourself no time to heal and get over it before covering up your feelings by jumping into another relationship.

 

Feedback on being single? Everyone goes through life on their own path. Just because all your friends are married means nothing. 50% of them will be divorced some years down the line. There are wonderful women out there. But YOU need to be emotionally healthy, and you need to date someone who is emotionally healthy in order to have a relationship that will work.

[lost66]

Great advice norajane. I now feel like it is a race. I need to find someone now then, year or 2 later, marry. I know that is not how I should feel but...I was sooo ready to get married. I'm still ready. I can't believe that I won't be getting married at least for a few years. It is soo depressing. So say i get married for the first time at age 34, thats if I meet someone soon and date for 2 years and engage for 1/2. I am going to have to meet someone younger or I won't be able to have kids.

Pretty much, i am soo mad at my ex right now for putting me in this position. I gave her the world and was such a great guy to her.

[norajane]

Well, there was obviously a reason she got cold feet. And you need to examine what that is instead of just brushing it off and trying to fit someone else into the wife slot she abandoned.

 

You say you thought you had a great relationship - but she clearly didn't agree in the end.

 

Since you're all goal-oriented and on this timetable about marriage, maybe she started to feel like you weren't actually in love with her, but wanted to marry her because you wanted to marry someone - anyone - just so you'd meet your timetable. Like, any woman would do as long as you met your timeline?

[lost66]

She is 7 years younger than me. I was her first relationship, I had been in several. She went to her batchelorette party and met an "emotional friend". I found out she was calling him and emailing him. She said nothing happened but after i confronted her about calling and emailing him she said she would stop...but didn't. After I caught her for the second time she was imbarrassed and whatever else and moved out. She then showed up at my doorstep 2 days later crying saying that she wants me and she made a huge mistake. Then came the off and on feelings from her, i want to get married, i don't know, back and forth.

 

Before this i thought we had a great relationship, never fought, got along with the parents, life was good. Sex was lacking but i thought that was expected after 4 years and months before the wedding. And, she got off birth control too, that will slow things down. didn't want her getting pregnant before the wedding.

 

You might be right about the "but wanted to marry her because you wanted to marry somoene." Thing is, she pressured me to marry her! She sort of gave me a timetable..if i don't then its over. Then we had a 1 1/2 year engagement.

 

Thing is, she has some emotional problems from her past that she has not gotten over. She ended up meeting someone the same weekend I did and got pregnant with the guy. She is now living with him.

[norajane]

You had red flags flying all through that relationship - her first relationship, the lack of sex, pushing you to get married, emotional problems from her past...

 

And there have been lots of red flags with this woman you're seeing now.

 

When you notice these red flags, what do you do? Ignore them? Consider and discard them because you want to be in a relationship? Consider paying attention to them?

[lost66]

u a professional norajane . Very good questions. I think, I'll stick with her, good times and bad. I'll stick with her because she will stick with me. Nobody is perfect. I am now more confused on what to look for in a relationship than ever.

[lost66]

The girl I was dating that was in the middle of a divorce just picked up all of her stuff from my house a couple of days ago. Her divorce has gotten ugly and she has no time or mental capacity for a relationship. I know I got into the relationship knowing that it would get to that point but I was on the rebound. I fell in love with her. Maybe in a year we can try again. After the canceled wedding then falling in love, seeing the brutality of her divorce from the girl I was dating, and not to mention my mother and father have been divorced numerous times; I don't know what to think about relationships.

[Chrome Barracuda]

The girl I was dating that was in the middle of a divorce just picked up all of her stuff from my house a couple of days ago. Her divorce has gotten ugly and she has no time or mental capacity for a relationship. I know I got into the relationship knowing that it would get to that point but I was on the rebound. I fell in love with her. Maybe in a year we can try again. After the canceled wedding then falling in love, seeing the brutality of her divorce from the girl I was dating, and not to mention my mother and father have been divorced numerous times; I don't know what to think about relationships.

 

Stop it, with rebound relationships. Stope getting involved with women who have marital issues. And just move on with your life.

 

I mean , move, hit the gym and do something positive.

 

The reason you wont meet a stable woman is because you move too fast. You gotta let things calm down on your end.

 

I'm sorry yu didnt get married. I know you dont want to be the last one with a family. I get that feeling too.

 

But right now, your moving too fast.

 

It's not the womwn, just the women you meet. You need a clean slate with a good looking single and faithful woman.

 

If you gotta look far for her, then do so. But try to find one with no baggage. No issues, No husbands, no kids, nothing. Let her be available to you.

[lost66]

I have came to the conclusion that 31 is not that old and I got time to find someone. And, I want to find someone with no baggage. That is what I deserve. I will find her, some day. I have started working out a lot. It is helping my self esteem. I also started a online dating service. I"m 3 days in and getting some great responses already. Life goes on.

 

All the best,

 

lost66

[lost66]

Ok, I am a complete mess right now. It seems that after I broke it off with the girlfriend I am now thinking of how the love of my life deserted me, and the girlfriend. I haven't had time to think about it because 2 days after we broke off the wedding I met the girlfriend. Now I don't have her or the girl I was going to marry. I don't know If I said this above but the girl I was going to marry got pregnant with her new boyfriend. And 2 days ago I found out my dad has MS no insurance and has been thinking of killing himself. And, last night I was out and saw the girlfriend (well, ex girlfriend, the one after the fiance) drunk, throwing up on the side of the road. I totally fell in love with her. Right now I feel so alone, used, I feel that I definately can't have a relationship right now. I tried match.com and hit it off with this one girl. After telling her my story and then finding out about my dad she backed off, she knew I had unresolved issues. I have since canceled my subscription. I know I am not ready to date although I am so alone.What is love? If it is not forever than I'm not interested.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, forget dating for a while..You need to grieve the loss of your 1st relationship. The loss of the woman you were going to marry - The marriage and the life you two were planning. The other girl was a distraction, a rebound and that's why it didn't work out with her as you weren't over your ex-fiance, not even close.

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad, I hope you get him to counselling, especially since he's talking suicide. Is there anyone else in your family (mom, sis, bro, cousin, aunt, uncle) who can help with your dad?

 

You also might want to consider counselling as well. It could only help you through this process.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

PLEASE give me some feedback.

 

Seems like you get happy with the first thing that comes along.

 

Neither you sweat breaking up.

 

Just go to some bar in the corner and you'll find your next gf in no time and everything will be ok.

 

Ariadne

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn homie, your F-ed up.

 

But things do get better, trust me.

 

Right now your in alot of emotional and mental pain but get yourself in a good place to make rational decisions.

 

Good luck to you.

[lost66]

I know things will get better but, man, this is heavy stuff. I am an attractive guy, own a company, financially set, but seem to have a bad time picking women i guess. I truly fell in love with the girlfriend after the fiance but she was in the middle of a divorce, etc, etc. The fiance did have red flags when it came to her anxiety but everyone has problems. Obviously, her problems were much bigger than I could ever imagine.

 

Another thing, the "own a company, financially set" part of me is fairly new. And, I have been working out a lot and find that my new looks and new money make it easier for me to find a beatiful woman.

 

I should start a new post but I will ask here, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO IS RIGHT OR WRONG FOR YOU? I know to stay away from druggies but what else should I stay away from? How about single women with kids? How about women that aren't financially stable? What truly makes a great match? I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman, have kids, etc but, I want to pick someon that I have the best chance of staying together with.

[writeon]

Hi Lost66. I agree with those who have said that it seems you start dating the first person who comes along and convince yourself that you are happy with them no matter what, and are afraid to break off a relationship. I also agree that you need to slow down and be alone for awhile. Perhaps go to counseling and figure out what went wrong in your engagement and what you want in a partner. Make a list of very important qualities you would like in a partner. For instance, for me it would be funny, fun to be around, intelligent, good conversation, honesty, upbeat attitude, values family, values education, loves animals, athletic/ active, etc. Also make a list of "deal-breakers"... things or qualities you don't want in a partner. On my list would be smoking, lying, can't keep a job, can't follow through on goals, has a negative attitude about women, has a negative attitude in general, etc.

 

Go back to your "positive" list and make three columns:

 

1) absolutely non-negotiable. This list should be the shortest, because no one's perfect and if all your qualities are in this column, that's kind of unrealistic. In this column for me would be honesty, for instance -- if it's not there (meaning if he's dishonest with me or with other people in general), I can't be in the relationship.

 

2) important but more flexible. Probably most will be in here.

 

3) can do without. Probably the lifestyle section (likes animals, athletic, good cook, etc.) would be in this category, because they're more traits we desire than traits that are necessary to a fulfilling relationship.

 

Keep this list with you and re-examine it when you start dating a new person. Remember that it takes TIME to get to know someone, and that slower is always better. Develop a "filter" where if you see a deal-breaker or an opposite quality of the "non-negotiable" column, you politely tell the person it's just not working out, and part ways. Compare the rest of the qualities with your list and decide -- is this something you are okay with? Every relationship has things that need to be worked out, but at the same time, you don't sound like an overly picky person so in your case I think it's best to err on the side of caution. Then when you find someone who fits most of your standards, you'll realize she's very special, not just someone to help keep you from being lonely.

 

Good luck, I feel for you due to the broken engagement but I think that with a lot of reflection and changing your attitude about relationships, you will find happiness in a relationship. Also remember that in order to make someone else happy, first you have to be happy on your own. Take time to get to know yourself, treasure your good qualities and work on getting better at your bad qualities. DON'T do it with the aim of getting a "beautiful woman" -- do it be a happier person on your own and to eventually be able to offer a lot to a relationship.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I know things will get better but, man, this is heavy stuff. I am an attractive guy, own a company, financially set, but seem to have a bad time picking women i guess. I truly fell in love with the girlfriend after the fiance but she was in the middle of a divorce, etc, etc. The fiance did have red flags when it came to her anxiety but everyone has problems. Obviously, her problems were much bigger than I could ever imagine.

 

Another thing, the "own a company, financially set" part of me is fairly new. And, I have been working out a lot and find that my new looks and new money make it easier for me to find a beatiful woman.

 

I should start a new post but I will ask here, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO IS RIGHT OR WRONG FOR YOU? I know to stay away from druggies but what else should I stay away from? How about single women with kids? How about women that aren't financially stable? What truly makes a great match? I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman, have kids, etc but, I want to pick someon that I have the best chance of staying together with.

 

What you want is a classy woman on the streets and freak in the bed! lol.

 

That's cool, alot of men want that. But if you go around broadcasting your financial status around women tend to look at you like a damn wallet. That's a fact. Keep your financials closed off. Dont be balling on dates, make her pay for her half!

 

Yes ladies I said it!!!!!

 

Make her pay for half!!!!!

 

At least that way you would know if she's capable of taking care of herself and doesnt want just your money.

 

I am working in a low level security job but I am a published novelist and I got money on the way right now, I dont tell women much about that because I dont want them to get carried away.

 

Also just relax and breathe being single, put your money to good use.

 

Trust me I would be going crazy with alot of money by myself and enjoying it. Cars with lambo doors, motorcycles, kendo sword fighting,

 

Trust me, when your ready, she'll be there!

[lost66]

I do see some logic in this. I know the

 

non-negotiables: loyal (non-cheater), honest fore sure, I can have an intelligent conversation with her, attractive to me (sorry but she's got to be beautiful , Not a drunk or a druggie, wants kids, potentially a good mother, gets along with my friends

 

important but flexible: no kids (I don't know about this one), college education would be nice, financially stable or at least good financial status. No younger than 27 (i'm 31), work schedule complements my work schedule (8am-5pm)

 

can do without: Close to family, good housekeeper, never late, good cook, works out

 

I guess this is a start. I think one problem I have is that I get intimate with the woman much too soon. I start having an intimate relationship in only a couple of weeks into the relationship. It happened with my ex-fiance, and the Girlfriend after the fiance breakup. Now I must admit I am talking to this new girl and have already had sex with her. We have been talking for only 2 weeks. She is already talking about love, not "i love you" but, I can imagine falling in love with you. I have told her that it is very important to me to take it slow. At the same time we had sex already. By the way, she has a kid. She does fit all the non-negotiables.

[lost66]

Crome, you say, don't say anything about money but, they ask "what do you do for a living?" I'm gonna tell them. And the lambo doors might give your financial status away like my bmw does

 

As far as being ready, how long do i need to wait? When will I know? I saw a post on LS with a quote saying "somtimes we spend too much time staring at the door of happyness that closed that we don't pay attention to the new door of happyness that just opened." (or somthing like that).

 

I was ready to get married and am still ready to get married have kids, etc. Sorry, just telling you how I feel.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Crome, you say, don't say anything about money but, they ask "what do you do for a living?" I'm gonna tell them. And the lambo doors might give your financial status away like my bmw does

 

As far as being ready, how long do i need to wait? When will I know? I saw a post on LS with a quote saying "somtimes we spend too much time staring at the door of happyness that closed that we don't pay attention to the new door of happyness that just opened." (or somthing like that).

 

I was ready to get married and am still ready to get married have kids, etc. Sorry, just telling you how I feel.

 

Oh come on, I am a car junkie and I 've seen dudes have the conversion kit and put lambo doors on a damn honda civic! lol. Just tell them you have a decent job and make a nice living. But anything deeper than that, they dont have to know until it gets more serious.

 

You wait as long as you have to until your ready mentally and emotionally.

 

I'm 26 and I'm torn because half of me wants a serious relationship and half of me wants to nail every tight sweet piece of ass in sight. But

I pace myself take one woman at a time.

 

Just date around, settle more into your skin man. It'll happen for you.

[dutchie]

As far as being ready, how long do i need to wait? When will I know?

 

I was ready to get married and am still ready to get married have kids, etc. Sorry, just telling you how I feel.

 

Just because you are ready doesn't mean you have to do it tomorrow! If you DON'T take your time--both for YOURSELF and to find a QUALITY partner--it may always be like this for you.

 

Have you noticed a recurring theme with everyone's posts? Slow down buddy! She is out there, but you will pass her by if you keep speeding right thru!

 

And if you are dating someone currently and there are already red-flags in the non-negotiables column, WHAT RU DOING?

 

I guess the question is this: do you really want to be happy for a lifetime or settle for the next person that comes along just because you are afraid of being alone?

 

sorry if I seemed harsh, just giving you my opinion.

[lost66]

The girl I am dating now doesn't have any of the Non negotiables, she is good in that dept but she does have a kid, has an education but just graduated (at age 34) and doesn't seem her finances are in order (obviously, she just graduated). As I mentioned before, it seems that now woman that are beautiful, educated, and established are more attracted to me now because of my working out (new body) and established business (i worked very hard to get where I am).

 

I think I have a problem hurting people that care about me too. I don't think I ever broke up with someone just because they didn't fit every prerequsite. I feel that if they love me or care about me then that is great and I want and need that. Maybe so much so that I will look past red flags...

[Chrome Barracuda]

The girl I am dating now doesn't have any of the Non negotiables, she is good in that dept but she does have a kid, has an education but just graduated (at age 34) and doesn't seem her finances are in order (obviously, she just graduated). As I mentioned before, it seems that now woman that are beautiful, educated, and established are more attracted to me now because of my working out (new body) and established business (i worked very hard to get where I am).

 

I think I have a problem hurting people that care about me too. I don't think I ever broke up with someone just because they didn't fit every prerequsite. I feel that if they love me or care about me then that is great and I want and need that. Maybe so much so that I will look past red flags...

 

Never ignore red flags!!!!!!

 

That is what will enable you to make right decisions. In business would you ignore the red flags from a potential investor that could drag you down? So when you meet a woman do not ignore the red flags that could destroy you!

 

Trust me, any issues a woman has that I see will be addressed and dealt with, I dont care if she gets angry I'm calling her on it. I'd rather point out something rather than to be hurt by it later.

 

You see what I'm saying?

[writeon]

Dont be balling on dates, make her pay for her half!

 

Yes ladies I said it!!!!!

 

Make her pay for half!!!!!

 

Lost66, just FYI as a lady I disagree with this. We women like to be treated special. We also sometimes have the attitude that ANY guy would pay for our date, so if you don't, we tend to think you're cheap. Cheap is definitely a turn-off for me... you don't have to spend a lot, but don't act like you're too good to pay for my two cocktails and my salad lol. BUT after a few dates, the lady should offer to pay for YOU, to show you she's not about money and to thank you for your last few treats. That's my theory anyway. I'm sorry but most of the girls I know, including myself and my sister, would NOT see a guy a second time if he doesn't at least offer to pay for the first date. Eww. That's just not how it's done, at least where we live.

[writeon]

I do see some logic in this. I know the

 

non-negotiables: loyal (non-cheater), honest fore sure, I can have an intelligent conversation with her, attractive to me (sorry but she's got to be beautiful , Not a drunk or a druggie, wants kids, potentially a good mother, gets along with my friends

 

important but flexible: no kids (I don't know about this one), college education would be nice, financially stable or at least good financial status. No younger than 27 (i'm 31), work schedule complements my work schedule (8am-5pm)

 

can do without: Close to family, good housekeeper, never late, good cook, works out

 

I guess this is a start. I think one problem I have is that I get intimate with the woman much too soon. I start having an intimate relationship in only a couple of weeks into the relationship. It happened with my ex-fiance, and the Girlfriend after the fiance breakup. Now I must admit I am talking to this new girl and have already had sex with her. We have been talking for only 2 weeks. She is already talking about love, not "i love you" but, I can imagine falling in love with you. I have told her that it is very important to me to take it slow. At the same time we had sex already. By the way, she has a kid. She does fit all the non-negotiables.

 

Good job. I like your list and I think it's important to keep it in mind as a way to not settle for just anyone that comes along. I understand your lack of wanting to hurt someone by calling it off (that you talked about in another post), but at the same time, it seems like you've been hurt yourself by your inability to say "that's enough, this isn't the right woman/ situation for me." To prevent that in the future, you need to slow down, with this woman you're currently dating, and in general. Rushing into sex doesn't help, and it's probably too late to reverse that decision, but you could put some boundaries in place, like making sure you don't see her every single day, making sure you're taking time for other things in your life and make sure she has more besides just you, too. Does she have her own friends and interests? Do you? I think sometimes what happens is two lonely people join up and make each other their whole world. Then later they realize, what happened to me, where is my own life apart from this person? That's definitely happened to me before, I tend to take things too fast too in relationships.

 

Don't worry about how long to wait, etc. Just approach every dating situation as just that: time to have fun and date and see what your options are. You sound like you have it all together, so I'm sure there are a lot of women who would be happy to go out with you. Just tell them that you're not ready for a commitment yet -- you might want to mention that you were recently part of an engagement break-up, and they'll sure understand why you want to take it slow! But if that's too much personal information or you feel they'll think you have "baggage", just tell it to yourself as a reason to not get too committed too fast. After dating several different women and realizing that there really is no rush -- the right one will eventually come along -- that's what will happen, and probably when you're least expecting it.