Completely lost--- need

[strrod]

I am completely lost and dont know what to do.

 

About four months ago I discovered my fiancee of 5 and 1/2 years was cheating on me with a man from her work for about a month . When I first found out I went completely insane I asked why, cried, begged her to leave him and think of our family (We have a beautiful four year old daughter). Acted insane(would not function properly) In the end she said no, that she was done with me and had found him and wanted to be with him.

 

Our relationship: I am going to be honest about all I did wrong.

We would argue but always would work it out. We where both young she is 26 and i am 25. When we first met I was single and never been in a very serious relationship, just dated around, she was going through a divorce ( she married extremely young and he would cheat on her). I guess I was inexperienced in the relationship department. I lied to her about some stuff of my past in the beginning of our relationship ( she later discovered it and got upset and never trusted me again) We stil fell in love and everything was perfect. We found out she was pregnant and I was ecstatic. However it did scare me because I wasnt sure I would be a good father( my father is not the best dad)

 

Then the arguing began, her mother got really sick and she went through hard times. She seemed so confused at times and it worried me. We would argue but always would work it out. IN the meantime we got engaged planning a wedding and all. My daughter arrived and I was the happiest man on earth. After all this we did everything together and where truly happy. I did make a mistake once( went out one night with a friend and ended up with some girls in a truck driving to his hotel room , he was from out of town) Only to find my girlfriend had been following me and confronted me on the spot.

 

We worked it out, I have never cheated on my girlfriend and that is something I am very proud of. Not once have I ever come close of touching somebody- but since her ex used to do it to her all the time she never did fully trust me and me doing what I mentioned well it didnt help

 

We where almost settled in our lives when she got a promotion and we relocated accross country, I was happy because it was a good thing for her and I woul dbe able to finish College. We moved she was miserable and we ended up leaving and going to the state where my parents lived.

This is where it all went wrong. I hated it, I hated where we lived, I got depressed, I was so lost and confused in my life, I felt like I was going nowhere and well, I kind of shut her out, I do admit I ignored her and kind of not became myself. I didnt communicate with her, and well she kind of got depressed to and we started arguing. To add ontop of this I started talking to this girl from my work and would go have lunch with her. I never lied to my GF about this but she saw it as I was having an affair. She was extremely jealous of this and well I ignored it, I never did it with no bad intentions I was just trying to meet people since i had no friends here. But she saw it as much more. She even called my job and told my boss about it. They did an investigation since that is something very serious where I work and found nothing. And after all this my boss came and told me what was going on. ( I was so embarrassed and pissed off) Then I really lost it. I resented her for doing this and kind of realized she would never trust me. We argued more, then after arguing on new years I made a promise to myself that this year I would do everything in my power to show her how much I loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. I tried hard and did all I could but I think she was angry at me. For what had happened that year. I dont think she ever got over anything.

 

And then this happens, the girl who once said cheating is the most awful thing in the world ( and I do know why) did it to me. Left me for someone she had only dated for a month and broke my heart. After for 2 weeks I did all the normal things, cried, begged and asked for forgiveness i realized it was over. I was so hurt, she told me she loved me but was not in love with me. that she wanted to be treated right and loved like no other.

 

Time went on and I was such a mess that I couldnt take care of my daughter (me and her are very close, I am an excellent father, even my ex GF says it) I asked her if she gave me a month or two to kind of get on my feet and she said no and that I was trying to manipulate her. I said no So I had to send her with my parents for those two months ( I think she wanted to enjoy her new BF)

 

A month went by and my ex would text me everyday that she loved me. I would text back to her the same. Then she started calling me and said how much she missed me. We talked, and we would end up either crying or telling ourselves the sweetest things. My daughter came back and we split the time.Then we started seing each other, and kissing, and even occassionally sleeping together. Now, she is still with her new BF and it drives me insane, she talks to him right infront of me. She even tells him I love you in front of me!!!!!!

But she turns around and says she is confused she doesnt know who she wants to be with that this new guy is wonderful and amazing ( older and wiser) ( little side note- he had a girlfriend when they met, so I guess they both left their significant others, the only thing is he has cheated on her ex alot and I know my ExGF is worried about that. however he says she is the love of her life and wants to marry her and would never do anything to hurt her. To forget about me since I treated her so bad and not give into me wanting to get back together)

I am confused because she seems so sweet and nice and tells me she loves me and she cant stop thinking about after 4 months. She says she sees changes in me and that I am different now, better and sweeter. But doesnt know who she wants to be with me.

Most of the time I see her I get insanely jealous when the guy calls and act all stupid and then we start arguing. I cant stop making comments about him and she gets irritated and frustrated. We argue about HIM and she doesnt see it. I get all upset knowing when she is going to go out with him, or what she is doing with him that I cant stop myself from making a comment or getting angry and upset. She says that proves to her I havent changed, then I say I have and that I will leave her alone so I wont bother her( I want to see her happy) but she says she doesnt want that. She needs time to think who she wants to be with. She says she loves me so much and that she is confused. And she calls me all the time and comes sees me at work and tries to find a way to tell me she loves me. She tells me she knows that I love her and would always be there for her and that she believes me now that I never cheated on her. She says she has feelings for her new BF also and doesnt know since he treats her so right and nice.

 

I have always been responsible and always kept a job. Managed our finances very well ( NO debt) Always being there for her and always stuck by her side no matter what. I love my daughter to death and am a good father.So maybe she is just scared because she is unsure of the future with new guy.

 

Is there too much damage for it too work??? Will she ever stop seeing him to really see that we can work on our relationship??? I love her so much and I want herback. I want to have my family back.

Is there anything I can do to learn to control myself and see that I truly have changed and not act so badly when I hear stuff about her new BF?

 

Or should I just accept my mistakes, learn from all of this. back off and let her be happy with her new BF????

 

What to do??? I am so in love but so lost.

 

Any help I would greatly appreciate.

 

Sorry its so long. but I felt I had to give all the details.

[Krying]

Hey dude. I'm sad after reading your post.

 

Here's my humble 2c on this matter. Your women is only confused for one reason. She left you thinking she found someone better. She's not sure she has, thus she's still keeping in touch with you and saying she loves you. She really hasn't made up her mind. If she had, she would either be by your side or stop contacting you. She's knows you love her, and will be her doormat. Sorry to put it like that, but that's what it feels like to me. If it doesn't workout with this guy she felt was better and worth leaving you for, then she knows she can come back to you saying she was sorry, confused blah blah, you know the drill.

 

I learned my lesson too late. Time for you to dictate how you want your life to go. I don't doubt you love her, but she doesn't deserve your love at the moment. Take a step back, don't reply to her texts or phone calls and live your life. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt and you will suffer no doubt, but it's the only way forward I think for you. She will by instinct pursue you even more to keep you as her backup. Don't let her. She's not going to come back by you saying you love her. It hasn't worked now and it won't tomorrow. If she comes back, she comes back, but let it be on your terms with you in control. She's using you at the moment.

[ncpd25]

I agree wholeheartedly with Krying. I'm sorry you have to go through this terrible time. I think it's kind of unusual that she has been on the receiving end of being cheated on. She says how bad it hurts and she doesn't trust you. Then she goes and cheats on you. Appears cheating only sucks if she's the one being cheated on.

 

I know how you're feeling as I'm here and have been going through the same emotions on a daily basis. I've been NC for almost 4 weeks. No, I don't enjoy it but, my ex made her decision and she can live with it.

 

Similar to you, my ex broke up with her boyfriend due to his cheating and compulsive lying. She met me and according to her, I was the greatest thing on the face of this earth. She always talked long term when she spoke of us.

 

Then, she decided, she thought she was in love with me but then realized, she wasn't. She ran back to her cheating ex boyfriend. Given the circumstances, I hope she marries the guy and he continues to cheat and lie as he's always done before.

 

I honestly believe your ex is playing you. She has the convenience of her new guy and you waiting in the wings.

 

She said, she didn't trust you due to her previous ex. How are you going to trust her now that she cheated on you??? Can you trust her now?

 

I'm obviously a little bitter towards my ex and I guess some of that is spilling over.

 

I understand you care for your girl very much, not to mention, the two of you have a child together. It sounds as if, it's worth repairing but, I would have a tough time letting her using me at her own convenience.

 

I saw a quote on here that read:

Never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option.

 

I'm really sorry for your circumstances and I know you will find hapiness.

Please understand, what I wrote is just my opinion.

 

Take Care My Friend and all the best!!

[strrod]

Krying.

Thank you for your advice. I know she is confused because if not she would have completely cut me out of her life. And I know she hasnt made up her mind but I dont think it is fair. I feel like she is giving me false hopes. I think she loves me and I could understand why she is afraid to be with me but she should back off from both of us if she where seriously thinking of being with me. I know she wont leave the other guy, it feels like she is not scared of loosing me but him yes. I am so confused.

 

She keeps telling me she needs to clear her mind. She seems extremely depressed and not motivated in life right now( she is not like that) so in a way I guess I want for all of us to be happy ( no matter how it ends)

 

NCpd25:

Thanks so much. SO TRUE ABOUT THE CHEATING. I know if it where the other way around there is no way in hell she would talk to me. She even still acts all jealous and always wants to know if I am seeing somebody new or being going out with girls>

I am sorry you are so bitter and I can imagine how much it sucks. I know how hard NC is. I did it for a week and then gave into her when she called. I know it is hard to trust after it is broken.

My relationship is worth repairing but I cant begin on working on that if she doesnt want to. I know it would take hard work from both of us and I guess she doesnt want to. and I do thank you for your opinion.

 

I guess you both are probably right but I just love her so much and always saw such a good future together with her that it is so hard.

 

She says she needs to talk to me tonight and needs to see me. So I guess I will see what that is all about.

[polywog]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. How about trying out couples therapy/ Marriage counselling? I get the feeling that you both want it to work, but that there's all sorts of baggage that needs to be sorted out. I think it's do-able, from what you've posted here. Think it's worth a try?

[strrod]

I know counseling would work and it is a must to save this relationship, but the thing is she is not sure if she wants to work on it. It does have some baggage and its kind of hard to want to fix something broken when there is something new and exciting right there for her. I mentioned the idea of couples therapy but she said she wants to go to therapy by herself first to work things out about herself and maybe after that we can go together.

 

I do want to win her back but I believe its too late. I think is all I need is to learn from my mistakes and never let something you care so much about get so distant from me. I should have never left her so vulnerable for another man to come into the picture. It is so hard for me to let her go because I love her so much and because of all the stuff she tells me ( she acts all sweet around me and says the most romantic things to me) but if she meant it she would look at how much it hurts me that she is with somebody else.

 

I also know that if I do No contact( as none as possible due to my daughter) it wouldnt be for a way to win her back, it would be to give all this some closure.

 

This has being going on for three months now and just when I think it couldnt hurt anymore it does. I guess letting go is the next step and it is so hard to take it, but it is a must.Dont know how to do it though,

[strrod]

So last night she calls me in the middle of the night and tells me how much she loves me and misses me and cant stop thinking of having a life with me. All I said is then come over and tell it to me in person... all she said is I will, and I cant wait to see you tomorrow.. AHHHH why does she have to do this to me.........

 

Well after much thought and careful consideration I think I am just going to put an end to all this and stop giving into her. I cant go on like this, I feel like eveyday it hurts more and more. Every day she acts nicer and sweeter and I just cant deal with it. I know she does care about me but I dont think she knows what she wants and well she is just not going to give up her new man. I am so hurt that somebody that she hardly knows can mean so much more than I do.

 

 

I need to walk away from all this and get some peace of mind. I was going to try to hold on until November 09th ( A very special date for us) But I just cant And if I wait any longer I might do something I regret. I am so hurt and I love her so much that I just rather take my good memories and walk away now than before I end up feeling hostile towards her.

 

Wish me luck and I will keep posting to see how everything progresses.

[Darth Vader]

She doesn't care, you even said if you did this she wouldn't take it! What a double standard! Why are you still with her, and don't say it's because you love her. She doesn't care if she gives you an STD. Um, you're not married to her, QUICK DROP HER AND RUNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[strrod]

So I talked to her and and told her I couldnt do this anymore, that as long that it was the same that I would not be there for her. She got upset at me and said that why was I so eager to move on with my life, didnt I mean more to her than just walking away. So I got really pissed off and pretty much started arguing, she said she cant believe I was acting like this when two days she had sat the other guy and told him that she was still in love with me and thinking about going back with me. I told her that it should have never gotten to this.

 

So today she dropped of my daughter at work ( I told her I wanted to make all the drop offs either at school or a public place) and I was straight business. She then procceeded to call me and yell at me and say that I had embarrased her because I didnt even acknoledge her and that people noticed it. ( This after I had agreed to take my daughter on a day that wasnt even mine so she could go out to a party, hey I dont mind I rather spend the time with my daughter) So know I am all pissed off because it makes me realize that she has no idea how much it hurts me what she did and how she is.

 

I know I shouldnt act mean but it just hurts me too much. And I knew I would act like this because I know myself. Oh and she is like see, when you act like this it proves to me that you havent changed and it would never work between us. And I am like AHHHHHHHHH.

 

I am so mad right now........and it hurts really bad

[Pentula77]

So I talked to her and and told her I couldnt do this anymore, that as long that it was the same that I would not be there for her. She got upset at me and said that why was I so eager to move on with my life, didnt I mean more to her than just walking away.

 

She's got the gaul to say this to you whilst she's fvking another guy....

 

Dude...cut it off, don't argue with her. Don't let her take your power. Be a good Dad. Show class in the heat of the battle. I wouldn't communicate with this person period except for when it comes to your child.