I told his wife...

[hollaxatholly]

I know, I know I did, which is wrong but I guess things happen, I'm trying to remember that, what I did is done and now whatever happens, happens.

 

I'm trying to give him space. It's hard though but I am doing it. I figure maybe he'll spend some time away and think about it and see if he's happy without me or what he could do.

 

I was thinking of seeking some sort of therapy. I don't know, I'm trying to give it a little more time before I go through with that. I'm just having a hard time. I feel like we had all these plans and he was there for me and so strong about it and it's like over night, he changed. i know he had some changes in his life with starting a new business but I can't accept the fact that he could walk away so easily. It makes me feel like I was nothing. I know it's not me but it's just a big kick in face or something. That is seemed so easy for him. He still says he wants to marry me and he would if he could but he can't right now. He says he doesn't have the money right now to support 2 families and he is also in an immigration case with her and it would definitely be messed up if he were to leave her. Plus, they have children. I don't know, I know he has his reasons and they are valid reasons. I have no issues though so it's hard for me to understand fully but it doesn't make it any easier to be without him.

 

I know, I know it isn't the best for me. I know he could do the same thing to me. He says they have had problems from the beginning. They are from another country and came here when they first got married and ended up staying. she hates it here in the U.S. and would like to go back home. I think it's possible she might go back eventually. I guess I just need to try to "forget" him. Let them see what they need to do, even if they do decide to stay together...and if he comes back, decide what to do then. I know what I need to do but it's so much easier to know it then to actually make myself do it....stupid or not. Thanks everyone for all the advice...I was shocked to see all the replies when I came back

 

You made a big mistake, you didn't think with your head, you let your emotions take over, cross the line and do something now that I think you regret....But, what's done is done, no point in looking back.

 

You can't control how he feels now, or what he does. Give him space, don't try to contact him at all because if you do, there's a good chance he'll either ignore you or tell you something that you really don't want to hear.

 

Take this time for you and heal yourself. If you are in alot of pain and having trouble managing, then seek some therapy to help you cope.

 

This is out of your hands now, it's best you stay out of their marriage. IF his wife decides to forgive him and give him a second chance, then it really is over between you two. If she kicks him out, do you really want him? Do you really want a man who is capable of lying, deceiving, and cheating? Just think about this because this man said vows to his wife infront of family and friends...They built a life together and had children together AND that wasn't enough to keep him faithful to his wife. Could you ever fully trust him....

 

Good luck and I hope you do your best to let go of this man.

[hollaxatholly]

If this guy loves you then he will understand WHY you did it, no matter what. He may not thank you for doing what you did but will know you're hurting big time. At the moment though, his priority is his family so, as he is understanding of what you have done, you have to do the same for him. Give him space and do not contact him. As you know (as cliched as it sounds), if it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime, don't put any pressure on him. Take it from one who knows!

 

Yeah, I definitely don't expect him to thank me I just hope he can think of me, a little bit and understand that I love him and was very hurt. I know his family is very important to him(atleast his kids FOR SURE, and i know he didn't REALLY want to hurt her either) I know...I'm trying to remember that if it's meant to be, he will come back and if not, that just means there someone better for me out there thank you, I'm trying not to pressure him, i think that is the reason he has stopped calling me very much because i add more stress, i'm going to try not to do that next time though. it's just hard though because i'm feeling all these things and i just want him to understand.

[serial muse]

I just called her crazy and told her that she didn't know what she was talking about and told her that i knew she was lying...

 

Hi holly. What was she lying to you about?

[hollaxatholly]

i agree, it is over. he made his choice and it is not you. he is probably at home doing his very very best to suck up to the wife. and if she has already said she is not leaving, then i dont see any chance that he would willingly leave either. and now that you have done to the MM what they most fear i think, the chance that he will come back for you is slim. he already knows you have the nerve to tell off on him, he will want someone much more docile next time.

 

 

She said she is NOT leaving because she doesn't want him to leave her to be HAPPY with someone else, especially me. she wants him to be miserable when she leave him, she doesn't want him to have anyone else. He won't leave because she's threatening to not let him see the kids and tell them he doesn't love them and he's bad and all kinds of immature things, and he doesn't want to put them through that, he loves them. so he said SHE has to leave him and that she probably will once she decides we are not together anymore. I don't know if she actually will but, who knows.

[hollaxatholly]

Hi holly. What was she lying to you about?

 

This is ridiculous really, but basically, I told her we were married(religiously) except I didn't tell her it was religiously at first. So then when we were fighting she said if he did marry you, it was only for immigration papers. Then I told her it wasn't for that because we were married religiously and that maybe he was married to HER for that reason. So then she said they had already recieved the papers for their visa...and I told her she was lying about it because they just went to court last month and they have to go back to court, which means she was lying about having gotten the papers months ago. wow....what a mess i have gotten myself in to LOL I was doing so good before this...

[serial muse]

She said she is NOT leaving because she doesn't want him to leave her to be HAPPY with someone else, especially me. she wants him to be miserable when she leave him, she doesn't want him to have anyone else. He won't leave because she's threatening to not let him see the kids and tell them he doesn't love them and he's bad and all kinds of immature things, and he doesn't want to put them through that, he loves them. so he said SHE has to leave him and that she probably will once she decides we are not together anymore. I don't know if she actually will but, who knows.

 

I don't know a whole lot about this, I have to admit, but it doesn't seem very logical to me...I mean, if what he's really afraid of is losing access to his kids, I don't see that it'll make much difference who leaves who. It seems that even if she decides to leave him, it'll be because she's still plenty pissed off - and therefore, could still try to keep the kids from him if she's so inclined. So why is that better?

[TogetherForever]

This is ridiculous really, but basically, I told her we were married(religiously) except I didn't tell her it was religiously at first. So then when we were fighting she said if he did marry you, it was only for immigration papers. Then I told her it wasn't for that because we were married religiously and that maybe he was married to HER for that reason. So then she said they had already recieved the papers for their visa...and I told her she was lying about it because they just went to court last month and they have to go back to court, which means she was lying about having gotten the papers months ago. wow....what a mess i have gotten myself in to LOL I was doing so good before this...

 

hollax,

It seems like you are in a mess right now, but you will be ok.

 

TF

[hollaxatholly]

hollax,

It seems like you are in a mess right now, but you will be ok.

 

TF

 

 

Thank you I needed to hear that right now...lol I definitely am in a mess, emotionally at least, right now.

[bunset]

Thank you I needed to hear that right now...lol I definitely am in a mess, emotionally at least, right now.

 

Wow,

 

you had to have been hurting pretty badly to do that. Unfortunately, you did do it and it hasn't helped you. Sometimes the MM just does go back and work on the M. I cannot tell you how successful they'll be or how happy they'll be. But it is their choice. If he's doing OK and finding new life in the M, you probably helped him with that in your R, but now, if you contact him, it might upset the apple cart. If he asked you for no contact (NC) then you demonstrate your love, care and respect by honoring that.

What matters is that you should know that you had some good in that R and you did what you did, because you wanted more. Fair enough, but I'm afraid you're just going to have to let it go. I know it sucks and it's hard. But I'm sure he's having no picnic, either.

If he hears his own love in his heart, he'll be happy one day, and you've already had a part in it.

The ball is in his court and it's time for you to care about you, now.

[TogetherForever]

Thank you I needed to hear that right now...lol I definitely am in a mess, emotionally at least, right now.

 

Here are some cyber hugs. Sometimes they help.

((((hollax))))

 

P.S. No I am not a dork.

[greengoddess]

hollaxatholly I forgot to ask why did your mom call him?

[hollaxatholly]

hollaxatholly I forgot to ask why did your mom call him?

 

 

They are friends. She just got home and she wanted to call and ask him about maybe getting a job. Which, I told her wasn't such a good idea but she said there was no problem with her and him so why not. lol guilty by association

[hollaxatholly]

Here are some cyber hugs. Sometimes they help.

((((hollax))))

 

P.S. No I am not a dork.

 

 

Thank you

[hollaxatholly]

I was, i wish i would of thought about it, and atleast waited until i wasn't so emotional. i don't know, i still think she deserves to know. i think he should of been the one to tell her but he was wayyyy tooo afraid and would never have done it in a million years, soo...i did it for him, right or wrong. i don't know what i hoped to accomplish but i had to know for sure if it would change anything at all, if she knew for sure. so far, i don't see anything..but i don't see them at all so i don't know. From what I hear, they've never been all that happy. of course, theres more to every story. so i doubt this will help them at all. If it does help to make them stronger, of course part of me would be disapointed(the part of me that wants him for myself:D) BUT I would be glad to know they are truly happy, atleast. I am seriously doubting this is the case but, if i can't have him, i guess atleast i would like for him to be happy.

 

He never specifically asked me for no contact. What happened was, he started calling less and less, because he just started a new business and he didn't have any excuse to be away from home and then she started working with him. so he didn't really have an excuse to get away and call me, without causing a problem with her. So, he said he loves me and he wishes something would change so we could be together but right now, he's stuck and she doesn't seem to want to leave him right now, so he thinks, for now..it would be better for me to try to see if i was happier without him, instead of miserable with him in this kind of lifestyle.

 

Atleast until something changes. he said he's been promising things to me, and he really wants that, but he doesn't want to promise me forever and keep me waiting forever when he doesn't know when this forever might be. Which, I guess atleast shows that he cares enough about me not to keep me waiting forever. I know, someone is going to say he is just trying to get rid of me the nice way, but honestly, i don't think so, in my heart. i believe he is stuck with her, atleast right now. He's always looked out for me, for the years i've known him, even before we were together, so i don't think he'd lie to me like this, i hope not atleast. So basically...he calls me and he hasn't called lately. we talked and he said he would call me when he got a chance again and it's been 2 weeks. I think he's a little mad at me, and i'm sure she is watching him. maybe he'll never call again...but i think he's taking some time, and giving me some time, and i expect that he'll call me eventually atleast to see how i am.

 

I know, this whole thing is a mess for me...but i guess it's probably even worse for him and his wife. I just wish we could all be happy somehow.

 

I think the reason she doesn't want to leave him to me is because she thinks it's some sort of competition or something, like...if she lets him go and he comes to me, that means i'm prettier or better somehow. Which, isn't the case. that's how she views it though. i just wish i could make her understand, but i can't, because i somehow feel the same way. like...why would he go to her over me? whats so wrong with me that he wouldn't leave his unhappy life to have a good one with me? i have to get over this thinking though.

 

i guess it's somewhat normal...and i'm working on it. This is my first "real" relationship...so i don't know, it was definitely not a good start though. i just feel like he could have handled it much better than he did, he knows me and he knows i'm not that easy and he could have talked to me more, instead of just deciding what was best for me, on his own.

 

 

Wow,

 

you had to have been hurting pretty badly to do that. Unfortunately, you did do it and it hasn't helped you. Sometimes the MM just does go back and work on the M. I cannot tell you how successful they'll be or how happy they'll be. But it is their choice. If he's doing OK and finding new life in the M, you probably helped him with that in your R, but now, if you contact him, it might upset the apple cart. If he asked you for no contact (NC) then you demonstrate your love, care and respect by honoring that.

What matters is that you should know that you had some good in that R and you did what you did, because you wanted more. Fair enough, but I'm afraid you're just going to have to let it go. I know it sucks and it's hard. But I'm sure he's having no picnic, either.

If he hears his own love in his heart, he'll be happy one day, and you've already had a part in it.

The ball is in his court and it's time for you to care about you, now.

[hollaxatholly]

I don't know a whole lot about this, I have to admit, but it doesn't seem very logical to me...I mean, if what he's really afraid of is losing access to his kids, I don't see that it'll make much difference who leaves who. It seems that even if she decides to leave him, it'll be because she's still plenty pissed off - and therefore, could still try to keep the kids from him if she's so inclined. So why is that better?

 

 

Yeah, but apparently the plan, before i "came along" was that she wanted to leave him here, with the kids, and go back to their country. that was before me, and he didn't want to be alone, so he wouldn't let her go, so he talked her into staying....i don't know. i don't know how that would better...i guess, if there weren't any arguments really...and she just saw that they weren't really good for each other..and she kind of left peacefully...like she planned to before.

[norajane]

Then one day...he just basically stopped calling me.

 

he said...he couldn't leave her

 

This was in your first paragraph, and I cut out everything else because THIS is what he actually DID, regardless of what else he said. That's his bottom line.

 

The problem is though...I basically lost my mind here for a minute and sent a text message to his wife apologizing for lying to her and telling her that we were together.

No, the problem isn't that you told his wife. He had already made a decision not to see you anymore and to stay married to his wife. So, whatever you did after that and for whatever reason you did it, doesn't really change what he had already decided to do, and what he already had done - stopped calling you and stayed married.

 

I'm pointing this out because you don't need to feel bad that he's mad at you now and that you ruined anything, and you don't need to try to explain anything to him. He had ALREADY decided to end the affair and stay married before you told his wife, and I'm sure he knew you'd be upset by that, so I'm equally sure he has a pretty good idea why you told his wife now.

 

Since his wife isn't going to leave him even though she now knows about the affair, then he's in the same place he was before you told - he's going to stay married. He wasn't going to act to change anything, you did act to try to change things, and his wife is the only one who was left to make a decision, and she's made hers to stay married.

 

So, that leaves you in the position of washing your hands of this mess and healing and moving on to a healthier relationship one day.

[Fancee]

You have some good advice here. Most MM don't play that.

[Impudent Oyster]

I

...why would he go to her over me? whats so wrong with me that he wouldn't leave his unhappy life to have a good one with me? i have to get over this thinking though.

 

This is my first "real" relationship...so i don't know, it was definitely not a good start though. i.

 

There is nothing wrong with you except that you believed him. His life IS NOT unhappy, if it was, he would leave. I'll repeat that. If he was unhappy with his wife, he'd leave.

 

All MM tell the OW that their marriage isn't good, what would they say, I love my wife and we're very happy together, I just want a piece of ass on the side? They wouldn't get very far with that, would they?

 

This was not a real relationship, so there's still hope that you can have a real relationship with an available man who isn't using you. Forget about him, you don't have to settle for this.

[whichwayisup]

I think the reason she doesn't want to leave him to me is because she thinks it's some sort of competition or something,

 

She doesn't want him to leave because he is her husband. They are married, they built a life together and they have children.

[PoshPrincess]

i think that is the reason he has stopped calling me very much because i add more stress

 

You've hit the nail on the head here. My mm did the same. Obviously when many mms go into an A it is for the release of the day to day 'drudge' (as they see it) of married life. When the A with ow also becomes a 'drudge', ie they get nagged to leave the w, and it stops being fun anymore, they can't handle it. That's not what they signed up for! Also, they (the ones with a conscience anyway) hate the fact that they are hurting their w and kids and when it becomes evident that they are also hurting the ow, again, they pull away.

[pussycat1980]

I feel for you, i really do.

 

But never in a millions years would i have done what you did.

Sure loads of times i thought the best thing i could do is go and tell his W what was going on, purely because we may force them to decide what and who they truly want, as we know thats normally going back to the W.

But i sat back and thought why should i tell her, if anyone should tell her its the MM, causing unnecessary pain for the w is no ones intention.

In my situation that decision is now well and truly out of my hands as she now knows everything, for us ow's we are the ones left in the cold (most of the time).

 

Move on hun and find someone who will love and treat you with the respect you deserve, i will try to heed my advice on that one too. xx

[PoshPrincess]

But i sat back and thought why should i tell her, if anyone should tell her its the MM, causing unnecessary pain for the w is no ones intention.

 

Agreed. I never once thought I should tell exmm's w and I was never tempted to do it out of revenge either. I do agree that she deserves to know the truth but that was up to him to tell her, IMO.

[noforgiveness]

You sound very young. Your mom is his friend. It is your first real relationship and you actually told his wife you are religiously married?

 

How old are you? This man is a snake. Does your mom know he is messing with you? oh this pisses me off seriously. Just the thought of some old snake taking advantage of a young woman like this. I am glad you told his wife. She needed to know but I'm sure mr. snake will talk his way out of it while you are left to suffer. He probably told his wife you are just a silly young girl with a vivid imagination and a huge crush. Just a friends daughter who saw something that wasn't there.

 

Find a real man and please look for someone closer to your own age.

[Mustang Sally]

You know, I have to admit, I'm not an OW or a BS.

 

But I'm viewing this situation, as posted by the OP, as if it were any other breakup. I know it isn't, because of the layer upon layer of complexity that is inherent in a cheating situation...but I still think what I'm going to say is applicable.

 

I was dumped in college by a guy, and I didn't see it coming. In retrospect, I should have, but hey - de-nile is not just a river in Egypt, right?

 

Anyway, it drove me crazy! I became obsessed with the situation and I just knew, if he would sit down and rehash some things with me, that he would realize the error of his ways, and fall inextricably in love with me...

(Ahhhhhh, youth...)

 

Needless to say, he would not return my calls or speak with me. After about a month of me (shamelessly) hounding him, I finally, FINALLY snapped out of my foolishness and realized that, no matter what I thought we had had, it was now OVER, and there would be no going back. And it hurt my pride not insignificantly at the time, but I'm a wiser woman now, for it!

 

You see what I'm getting at, here?

 

I think LB has given, once again, extremely well-put advice. (Love ya, LB!)

OP, you need to take it to heart. It may take you some time, but do find a way to move on.

[hollaxatholly]

Well, I mean my mom is older than him, but they are sort of friends..I am 23 and he is 33...so, it is a little bit of an age gap. They are muslim so he COULD marry me, even though it's not really legal..or done very often anymore, it could be done.

 

Yeah, my mom isn't very happy with him at all. She trusted him also, she didn't think he would be the type to cheat on his wife and that he definitely would of had the intentions of leaving her, without a doubt, if he was to start something with me. She talked to him a little bit about it.

 

I'm sure he told his wife something besides the whole truth. She won't believe it completely though. She's seen ALOT of evidence, phone records with him calling me for an hour or so and other things..including him ADMITTING to her in the past that HE invited me to meet him at a restaurant..that would prove otherwise than me being some silly little girl with an imagination. i don't doubt that he atleast tried to downplay it to her though to save his a**, however he could have. Wether she believed it or not. When I talked to him he said she hates him, she hasn't left, as far as i know though. Which, I'm pretty sure if that was the case, i wouldn't be here whining about our situation. lol but what happens remains to be seen...if anything.

 

 

 

You sound very young. Your mom is his friend. It is your first real relationship and you actually told his wife you are religiously married?

 

How old are you? This man is a snake. Does your mom know he is messing with you? oh this pisses me off seriously. Just the thought of some old snake taking advantage of a young woman like this. I am glad you told his wife. She needed to know but I'm sure mr. snake will talk his way out of it while you are left to suffer. He probably told his wife you are just a silly young girl with a vivid imagination and a huge crush. Just a friends daughter who saw something that wasn't there.

 

Find a real man and please look for someone closer to your own age.