marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 who I consider to be on a par (well, almost) with my sisters. Here is my problem. We have been very close friends for 26 years. We know everything about eachother and have always been there for eachother through thick and thin. She's in an "open marriage" of sorts. Her husband gets off on her sleeping with other men and then coming home and giving him all the details. I am single. Often we go out together. She wants to pick up men but just doesn't know how to do it. So, I, the seasoned flirt, make all the moves and then she wiggles herself in and hits on whoever it is that we have singled out. It has begun to annoy me. She can do her own picking up as far as I am concerned. Still, I have looked the other way many times. UNTIL, one day, after she had had a guzzle too many and a quarrel with her agoraphobic and abusive husband, she called an ex boyfriend/ flirt and came on to him asking to see him. She told me and I was floored! Since then, she has apologized again and again but I just can't get over it. Strangely I felt betrayed even though this ex was years ago and it never ended in a relationship or full blown sex. My feelings have changed and though I am civil every time she calls my heart has stiffened. I can't help the way I feel. I want to go back to the way things were but I can't emotionally. I have lost trust. I know that whenever she drinks, she calls up men (exes) and does the most stupid things that she later regrets. How can I change the way I feel? As I type, I can't but wonder if she is seeing my ex! If, in a drunken stupor, she hasn't contacted him. He doesn't know that we are friends by the way. Is it OK to hit on a man you know your best friend has the hots for? Her excuse was , "But you never went after him". And I said, "I never go after anybody". She is very aggressive when it comes pursuing the man she wants. Am I wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Ok, so this is a trivial post in the grander scheme of things but honestly I am agonizing over this as this friend means so much to me. I want to cancel out my feelings as I am well aware that they are rather petty but I could use other people's perspective on this! Anybody?????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Krytie TV Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 She called who's ex? Yours or hers? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Sorry! I realize now how ambiguous my post is! She called up an X of mine ( in a sense) since we never had sex but just played around a bit. It was soon after my divorce and I was too frightened/ unready to go down that road away. I would always tell her that if there were one man I regretted not sleeping with it was him! She knew this all along! Her explanation is that I never pursued him! In my book of ethics (obsolete, I guesss) , if I knew my best friend of 28 yrs still had the hots for someone, I just woudn't go after him! Even as I write this, it sounds trivial to my ears. However, it has affected my view of her and I just can't seem to shrug it off! It's just another case of lost trust. Only thing is, we have been friends for 26 odd years. It saddens me deeply that things shpuld have come to this! And as always , I second guess myself and wonder if I am going over the bend with this. Still, how can I change the feelings that have changed iside of me? Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 How long has it been since you talked to that guy? She knows you still have feelings for him? It's a tough call, because if she KNOWS you're never going to do anything about it with this guy... <shrug> I guess the bigger question is WHY haven't you done anything with this guy? Did you have any intention to? If the answer is no, then why are you mad? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I haven't talked to him in years. I don't have feelings for him...I just have, well, the hots for him... that doesn't mean that I would pursue him. If I happened to run into him... OK, maybe...depending !!! He is a well known player about town which probably explains why I am not too keen on trying to reignite an that old flame She never knew him..just about him... and how much I regretted not having sex with him back then... In my book, I would never hit on an ex of a friend unless I talked to her first and she said it was OK. hese are my boundaries. I'm hurt ..and sad because I have lost a dear friend whom I trusted and cared for a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Makes sense... how did she get ahold of him anyway?? So why are you mad at her that she hooked up with him? It sounds like you weren't planning on it in any way. I'm not agreeing with her I'm just trying to help you dig for the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 Makes sense... how did she get ahold of him anyway?? So why are you mad at her that she hooked up with him? It sounds like you weren't planning on it in any way. I'm not agreeing with her I'm just trying to help you dig for the answer. He\s a regular at a bar that she and her husband frequent as well. She had had an argument with her husband and after one drink too many she called the bar and asked for him by name. They passed the phone to him. She asked for his number and said she would call him. When she told me about it I thought, "What is she telling me?" I was incredulous. After hearing me say over and over again how I had regretted not sleeping with him back then . So why are you mad at her that she hooked up with him? It sounds like you weren't planning on it in any way. I'm not agreeing with her I'm just trying to help you dig for the answer. No, I wasn't planning on it. But in my book, friends just don't hit on exs or on anyone the other friend may have a thing for. Plus, I would be terribly jealous! Besides, why can't she pick up her own men? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marlena Posted October 9, 2007 Author Share Posted October 9, 2007 I have moved my post to the friendhip forum after realizing that forum was the wrong palce. Any answers would be appreciated there. So like Tony I am ending this thread here. Hope you don't mind Tony. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 Gotcha. I agree, that is kinda shady. She sounds like an opportunist. Sorry to hear about it... Link to post Share on other sites
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