I broke NC...sort of by mistake

[serendip]

I did a silly thing yesterday. I sent a group text basically saying

 

"hey guys just got back into town wanted to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving"

 

I forgot to remove her cell number from the group text. It was canadian thanksgiving yesterday and I just text everyone on my contacts. I wouldn't have mind this...but we've had NC for 3 weeks(2 months before that) and the last contact I had with her was this email I wrote...where I told her to forget about me and move on. Now I feel like a jerk...sending her a text after I said this(she won't know it was by mistake) 3 weeks ago.

 

"just disregard my last email...there is no point in rehashing the past over and over again. We'll just end up getting each other more upset and angry with one another. Just forget about me and move on and be happy. You are a beautiful person(I truly believe that) and you deserve a great guy...someone that can give you the happiness that you deserve.

 

Last night I spent 6 hours at St Mike's Hospital because my friend Mike got into a serious accident and almost died.

 

Anyway this tragic event puts things into perspective. Life is too short to hold on to resentments...or to have regrets. We got to live it and try to be happy as best as we can.

 

Goodbye "

 

She didn't reply to my text which is alright since we aren't on speaking terms. But I feel like a jerk when I realize that I had sent her the text too. Right after that I just deleted her contact info from my phone...so it won't happen again. I suppose I shouldn't care too much about it. I shouldn't even dwell on it really...I just don't want a set back.

[serendip]

I just realize texting by mistake has set me back b/c I keep thinking about it and I can't focus on work. I'm wondering what she's thinking when I shouldn't really care about it at all. What the hell?

 

I thought I was finally getting over the hump...but now I realize I'm still really hurt by everything that has gone on. There's really nothing I can do about it except deal with it and hope it ends soon.

[starlite]

I wouldnt worry too much about it, I am sure she realizes it was a group text. She may have had a moment of "Hmmm..." But it will soon be forgotten.

 

By that email it is very obvious you are still hurting. What was the break up like, why did it happen?

[serendip]

By that email it is very obvious you are still hurting. What was the break up like, why did it happen?

 

I posted in a previous thread...when I first join...but here's the summary of what happen...sorry for the length...

 

-I met my ex 13 yrs ago...instantly there was fireworks(we were both young)

-We spent a summer together and then had a year long distance relationship

-I broke up with her b/c she was just starting college and I had just finished. My intention was to have her experience college without being tied down. While it was a good intention I realized what I did and try to win her back...by that time it was too late she was too hurt by me and I became crazy dude with the constant phone calls. It was not cool. So we didn't talk for many many years

 

-fast forward to 15 relationships and 10 yrs later...I was on my way to the airport...was late for a plane to La Paz Bolivia....and walking across the street was her

-Instantly there was fireworks, I contacted her after I got back from my trip and we spent a wonderful 10 months together...we both never been happier in our lives. She said I was her one and only true love.

 

-Then reality set in....she always dreamed of working in the west coast but my career was here along with a new house I just purchased. So we decided to do the long distance thing again(she planned on coming back in 2 yrs). After I got adjusted to it...everything was beautiful...I thought.

 

-In November she told me she had met a guy and she was attracted to(they were emailing and phone calls). I asked her what she wanted to do with our relationship. She told me she wanted to be with me...so I asked her to stop all contact with the guy. She promised she would.

 

-When I went to visit her in Christmas...I found out she was still emotionally cheating on me with a surfer dude(emails and phone calls)

-I was devastated...after everything that has happen to us...she broked her promise to me. I never took her for granted and made sure she felt loved everyday she was with me.

-I try to work things out with her and in April I finally forgave her and we were happy again when she visited me

 

-But then in May the Surfer guy came back into town and she went out behind my back with the guy and lied to me about it. I was suspicious so I checked her email(she gave me the password at christmas) and found out they went out. I also found out she told him that she loved him back in November. I flipped and told her "GOOD RIDDANCE".

-I called her and wanted to talk things over couple of days later but I found out she started dating the guy right after we broke up.

 

-I was so hurt that I was beside myself...I wrote fake emails pretending to be surfer dude's ex talking garbage about the guy. I wanted to screw with her head like she did with mine. It was a terrible act of revenge...and I felt so guilty and ashamed that I ended up telling her about it. This time she flipped out at me. I should have just walked away but I just couldn't diassociate from the hurt.

 

-It's been 4 months since we broke up and we had NC for 2 months until I came back from a trip 3 weeks ago. She wrote me a email apologizing for what she did but she can't get over the horrible thing I did and she went on saying...

 

"I am trying to let go of things and move on, but it is hard to forget everything that happened. I am still upset about all that stuff that happened. It makes me feel like I can't trust anybody anymore. I thought we had a really great relatioship but now everything seems like it was so wrong. It is hard for me to see you as the same person, but i know you are. Anyways, i guess it is too difficult to be friends because of everything that happened. We are bound to have resentment for each other. i just wish I could get over that. Sometimes i wonder how things would have worked out if I hadn't moved out here...but I guess I figured at the time that if things were really meant to be for us it would work out despite the distance and it would be a good test of the relationship. Maybe it would have worked out if i hadn't met this other guy...cause you were willing to do the long distance thing with me. I ghuess it was too hard to work things out long distance when you were so hurt. I just wish you had been honest with me right from the beginning (since Christmas)....Maybe we would have worked things out if you had told me the truth instead of spy on my behind my back. I feel like you were Big Brother or something... It is a horrible feeling..especially since I cared about you so much

Anyways i know you would argue it was my fault since I cheated on you and started this whole chain reaction...I guess you are right but you are still responsible for your reaction to everything and I did try to be honest with you. What a horrible drama. It was like being in a soap opera...i never want my life to be like that again. I guess I learned a lot from the whole experience though. I think I should have broken up with you when I moved out here...I know I shouldn't have cheated on you (that is a given). I really don't know what came over me. It was this crazy intense attraction to this other guy. I don't even know why since he wasn't somebody I could see myself with in the future...but it was still this insane attraction. I think there must be a reason for it all...some lesson I was supposed to learn or something. I felt like he had something to teach me...This vagabond guy had some lessons in life that I felt I needed to learn.

All I can do is apologize to you for my actions. I know that you are a really good person and I want to remember you in a positive way..but it is really hard to forget all that stuff. I wish we could just sit down and talk about things. I really had the feeling when I was with you that you were the right guy for me long term (I even told you a few times that I wanted to marry you.). You made me so happy and I loved being with you. I had the sense of security and love from you that nobody else has ever given me. I really did love you a lot. I'm so sorry I hurt you the way I did. It was horrible of me."

-So I wrote her back a nice email apologizing for what I did and saying if she ever felt like talking...to give me a call since in her previous email she wish we could talk about things

 

She replied with...

 

i don't think I am ready to talk to you again (if ever). i am still not 100% recovered from everything and still feel somewhat traumatized and confused.

 

So I replied by saying how our situation was similar to my neighbor and she berated me in her next email...she try to justify what she did and called me manipulative b/c I was screwing with her head

 

So I wrote her a long email(fair and balance) saying what I did wrong and saying what she did wrong...but the next day I felt bad about everything and just wrote her the

 

"just disregard my last email...

 

 

...and there you have it...some of this is a repeat of my other threads...sorry for that.

 

I guess I am still hurt by everything.

[Trialbyfire]

It makes me feel like I can't trust anybody anymore.

I got to this point of her email and stopped. Here's what I would have written in response to her:

 

"Welcome to my world...".

[serendip]

I would love to send this to the ex....a very interesting prospective on cheating...from the members of this board

 

but I know it would be wrong....and she would know it was me no matter how I sent it

 

 

Does cheating mean that you aren't with the right person?

 

 

 

My Opinion: Nah. Not categorically.

I don't buy that. Maybe in my younger (idealistic, naive) days I would have bought that.

 

But in real relationships with real people, things happen.

 

People and feelings change. People make mistakes and bad choices. And sometimes people who have made bad choices do the right thing to rectify their mistakes...and sometimes they do the wrong thing.

 

It's not as simple as: you were with the wrong (or right) person.

________________________________________________________________________

I now know my cheating had basically nothing to do with my partner and more to do with myself. I was unhappy with myself, i felt that my partner could feel it and that he would leave me, so I cheated instead of getting to the root of my problems. It was an ESCAPE every time I did and a chance to be 'new' every time.

 

My bfs would find out and leave me and I would tell myself 'That's why I cheat because they would've left me anyways'. It wasn't until one bf found out I cheated and didn't leave. He stayed with me all night and made me ask myself why I did it. He didn't leave my side until I figured it out. I owe him so much.

 

So it can be a combination of things..not so much that your with the wrong person.

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Good people also do bad things sometimes. It's not the action (doing something bad) that necessarily makes a person bad. The action after they did the bad thing is more indicative of the depth of badness in a person. (Sorrow, admitting the error, attempt to repair the "badness", etc. as opposed to defensiveness, claiming no responsibility, pretense of no error.)

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I noticed how everyone mostly refers to physical sex as cheating. I would have thought that besides the sexual diseases spectre, emotional cheating would have been more "evil", cause you're actually more unfaithful from your heart/mind then just some casual sex.

 

And otherwise the consensus seems to be that weakness of character is what causes a person to cheat, it's not just being with a wrong person or opportunity or anything like that. Just basically a characteristic behaviour exhibited by some people just like any other character flaw. Some of us have it and some of us don't.