Best Friend - Lover - Husband - MM

[RoseRen]

I fell in love with my best friend. But our relationship was not accepted by our parents, as we are born and brought up in a very traditional country and we are from different religions. Eventully we got married 2 years ago, without much pomp and show. Only very few close relatives knew about our marriage.

 

I was a diagnosed with cancer a year before we got married. And just months before our marriage, I moved to a different country for work and radiotherapy and financial aid. My husband was not in a position to provide financially for me, then.

 

During this period we had a long distance relationship. But months after our marriage, we started having relationship issues - mostly due to my insecurities and his financial concerns.

 

Then last November, we had a big misunderstanding. It was about some mail he had send to some girl and she forwarding that to me and all. It was such a stupid reason to fight over when I think of it now.

 

After this fight, in a few days I moved into the hospital for my therapy. I didn't inform him of this. I did want to get in touch with him and appologise, but my friends suggested staying away from him would do me and my health good. Their suggestion was that if I could give him some space, and be less clingy, it would be better.

 

Every terrible night in the hospital I spend with the hope that he would get in touch with me and everything would be OK. But no miracles happened.

 

Then in May, when I was out of hospital, I contacted him and apologised. But he seemed a bit reluctant to have me back. I knew instantly that something as wrong and that he was acting his best to hate me and make me hate him. So I started doing a bit of investigation of what was happening --- and discovered that he had married someone else - "under the pressure of his parents" (his bro's version) and "financial issues" (his version).

 

But the instant thought I had in my mind was - may be he thought I would die of cancer, and thought he would move on in life. Or may be because I didn't call him and apologise sooner, he thought I hated him. Whatever the reason was, I ended up feeling hurt. I tried in vain to let go of the relationship, but I couldn't.

 

My friends suggested that I could sue him, because we were not technically divorced. But suing him won't bring him back to me, would it?

 

After a couple of months of his marriage, he moved to a different country leaving his wife behind in his native. He kept in touch with me and he promised me he would come back to me, provided I don't bring up anything abt his second marriage ever. I promised him I would - but keep failing miserably everyday.

 

Then I went to meet him in person in August, and I discovered something else. He has erectile disfunction. He didn't have the courage to mention this to anyone, but this had started long long ago. He again asked me if I still wanted to be with him. And I answered "yes".

 

So the story has been going on since then. But then I can't get over the fact that he married someone else. I hate to find myself in the OW position. I don't even know what I am to him now.

 

I have a lot of questions in mind... don't know where to start. I really can't think about moving on - because I give so much of importance to the sancity of marriage and virginity and things like that. I can't marry someone else when my husband is alive.

 

How do I deal with this situation?

[TogetherForever]

RoseRen,

I didn't see in your post that you had gotten divorced.

Did your husband marry someone while you were in the hosp.?

Maybe I'm not grasping your story???

TF

[RoseRen]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]He had introduced me to his wife as his best friend. So she keeps in touch with me. She keeps complaining about how he doesn't call her. And how horrible their sex life was. And how he is avoiding her. She thinks, I have some sort of super-influence on him as I am his best friend and frequently gets my opinion on everything.

 

I feel so hurt by her innocence and trust in me. But I can't let go of my husband, either. I feel so guilty and angry and sad everytime she talks to me. She doesn't know a thing and counts on me to make their relationship proper. I have been honest in helping her out in terms of what to buy for him or what/when to talk to him or what sort of music he likes etc etc.

 

My husband is aware of these awkward conversations I have with her, and he suggested I could change my mobile number if I wanted to cut contacts with her. All three of us are in different countries and so it isn't a difficult thing to do.

 

But something is stopping me. I keep thinking that if my husband doesn't in someway come back to me, I can still be his best friend and maintaining this good rapport with his new wife would help me in that. But like all woman, I feel the pangs of jealousy later. I just can't help it!

[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

My friend suggested that I could remain as his best friend and I could move on. None of the people who know me personally knows abt his physical problem. So they think that's what I want from him. I am not waiting for him, because of physical interests. I love him (and did so since we were being babysitted) and enjoy his company and he is my husband.(I can use the present tense until he gives me a divorce I guess). And for the reasons I mentioned in my previous post, I find it very difficult to let go and move on.

[RoseRen]

RoseRen,

I didn't see in your post that you had gotten divorced.

Did your husband marry someone while you were in the hosp.?

Maybe I'm not grasping your story???

TF

 

Yes. As strange as it sounds, that's the truth. We are from India, and thanks to the various religions there, one can get married in different acts (laws) in different states, without being caught/stopped.

 

And my parents and his parents did play a very big role in this whole thing.

And guess it was easy for him to ger married again - mainly because we got married sort of secretly - only his parents and my parents and a few cousins knew about it - and that too after we got married.

[TogetherForever]

:confused:You're saying that your husband is your lover, best friend & mm???

Please explain. Thanks.

[Lyssa]

Oh okay, I was just about to ask if you were from India and if your religion is Islam...

[RoseRen]

Oh okay, I was just about to ask if you were from India and if your religion is Islam...

 

I am a christian, and my husband is islam. And yes, they can marry 4 women, though it is still frowned upon, in the place he is from.

 

@ TF : Yes

[reboot]

There was a story on the news a little while back where a wife murdered her husband due to him going back to his home country to impregnate (sp) his 2nd wife.

I don't have any suggestions for you.

Are you sure that wasn't a suggestion?

[RoseRen]

I understand now. Sorry:o.

There was a story on the news a little while back where a wife murdered her husband due to him going back to his home country to impregnate (sp) his 2nd wife.

I don't have any suggestions for you. I am sorry.

Too sad!

 

Are u suggesting I follow the path? Jokes apart, though I feel lost and directionless, murder is not on my list.

[TogetherForever]

Are you sure that wasn't a suggestion?

 

Oh my goodness, NO I wasn't suggesting that in any way, shape or form!!

TF

[TogetherForever]

Are u suggesting I follow the path? Jokes apart, though I feel lost and directionless, murder is not on my list.

 

NO I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT!!!!! YOUR SITUATION SORTA BROUGHT BACK THAT NEWS STORY.

AGAIN, I AM NOT SUGGESTING MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[reboot]

Calm down TF, we're kidding.

 

But uh, could you put your SO on here for a minute, just so we can, uh, make sure he's ok?

[TogetherForever]

Calm down TF, we're kidding.

 

But uh, could you put your SO on here for a minute, just so we can, uh, make sure he's ok?

 

 

:laugh:HE'S FINE!!!!!

[Cobra_X30]

Are u suggesting I follow the path? Jokes apart, though I feel lost and directionless, murder is not on my list.

 

Rose, You need to let your husband move on.

 

The families and religous differences would have been too much in the end anyway! You have your whole life ahead of you! You dont want to be a 2nd wife do you?

 

Focus on healing... a better man is right around the corner. Honest!

 

Hopefully your in a country now that doesnt frown upon divorce!

[Lyssa]

Wait, he married you first and then the other lady? So that makes you the first wife, and she the OW but now married to your H... right?

 

Well, your H is Islam and polygamy is allowed in Islam.

 

You mentioned that you would like to remain as his best friend... if that is so, why don't you just stay as his W? Just to understand your situation better...

[OWoman]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]He had introduced me to his wife as his best friend. So she keeps in touch with me. She keeps complaining about how he doesn't call her. And how horrible their sex life was. And how he is avoiding her. She thinks, I have some sort of super-influence on him as I am his best friend and frequently gets my opinion on everything.

 

I feel so hurt by her innocence and trust in me. But I can't let go of my husband, either. I feel so guilty and angry and sad everytime she talks to me.

 

RR, why should YOU feel guilty? He is the one betraying his wives. Islam requires that the other wives be informed (though, not consulted!) of another marriage BEFORE it happens. His marriage is invalid if he has not done this. The Imam had the duty to establish if there were other marriages in place at the time, and didn't - or your H lied. Either way, his actions have made that marriage invalid, and that W deserves to know, as this could affect her in a very material way.

 

His ED is probably due to psychological and emotional factors rather than physical ones - perhaps it's guilt? His living in another country might help to hide that, but it's not going to solve it for him.

 

I think he needs to be honest. And you need to decide whether you want to be in a polygamous marriage, or whether you'd rather divorce him, or whether you want him to annul the other marriage. And then tell him what YOU want.

[OWoman]

The families and religous differences would have been too much in the end anyway! You have your whole life ahead of you! You dont want to be a 2nd wife do you?

 

I don't agree. Cross-religious marriages are common in my country and many of them work very well. It all depends on where you choose to live, and what support systems you have in place.

 

And RR would be the 1st wife, not the 2nd. The other wife would be the 2nd wife, which will come as a shock to her as she doesn't know there is another wife. The 2nd wife may well choose divorce over demotion, in that way - but that is a separate matter and not RR's issue.

[RoseRen]

Wait, he married you first and then the other lady? So that makes you the first wife, and she the OW but now married to your H... right?

 

Well, your H is Islam and polygamy is allowed in Islam.

 

You mentioned that you would like to remain as his best friend... if that is so, why don't you just stay as his W? Just to understand your situation better...

 

 

He did mention that we could live together as husband and wife in the country he is in now, but not in his native. In our country, atleast in the place he is from, polygamy is not considered right.

 

I had a talk with my parents, who suggested that I let him go and to return and get married. I really can't marry someone else. I find it a greater sting to my conscience than my current situation.

[RoseRen]

And you need to decide whether you want to be in a polygamous marriage, or whether you'd rather divorce him, or whether you want him to annul the other marriage. And then tell him what YOU want.

 

I don't want to divorce him. I could remain in the polygamous marriage, but that somehow makes me feel like the OW. I think that is because our marriage is not widely known. I don't know if his new wife would feel the same, if she knew we were married earlier.

 

He did mention he would annul the other marriage in a year. I am aware that he is going through financial issues and getting off the marriage means that there will be financial implications. He also mentioned recently that he wanted me to have a better life and I could think over this for a year before we got back together, and could opt out if I felt like.

[bunset]

He did mention that we could live together as husband and wife in the country he is in now, but not in his native. In our country, atleast in the place he is from, polygamy is not considered right.

 

I had a talk with my parents, who suggested that I let him go and to return and get married. I really can't marry someone else. I find it a greater sting to my conscience than my current situation.

 

RR,

You stated you are a Christian. I do believe that under Christian rule of marriage, you do not need a divorce to dissolve your M. Because of your H actions, you are entitled to a church sanctified annulment. Such a thing will absolve you of any sin related to this M. You are not an OW in the eyes of MANY.

It seems as if H is defying Christian principle, Indian state principle as well as Islamic principle (according to OW's observation) as well as your honor and that of his 2nd wife.

If you are in conflict and pain for this, I am so sorry to hear this. I see no fault in your actions, and you would be right under many principles to dissolve the M in your heart. You cannot control what H will do. I would doubt almost anything he tells you, due to the history you've described.

Your heart does not deserve to be broken this way. You deserve to have the M that can bring you joy and fulfillment.

 

My prayers for you.

[Lyssa]

I am a christian, and my husband is islam. And yes, they can marry 4 women, though it is still frowned upon, in the place he is from.

 

@ TF : Yes

 

So you did not convert to Islam? If you didn't, I didn't know it was possible for you to marry a Muslim man. Maybe different countries have different laws.

 

Wow - now, I'm confused!

[OWoman]

So you did not convert to Islam? If you didn't, I didn't know it was possible for you to marry a Muslim man. Maybe different countries have different laws.

 

Wow - now, I'm confused!

 

You would only need to convert if it was a Muslim ceremony. A civil ceremony, or an interdenominational religious ceremony, do not require both parties to subscribe to the same religious views. (And many people who "convert" for the purposes of marriage only do so to comply, and then return to their former belief system after the wedding anyway.)

 

RR - I'm really not sure why you're struggling with this on YOUR conscience. It's not as if YOU'VE done anything wrong, or bad. All you've done is not broadcast your marriage - that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and it doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered valid from a legal or religious perspective.

 

But if you're wanting to remain in the marriage, with or without a second wife in the background, your H needs to tell the other wife that she's a second wife and that you're his 1st W. The stress is not going to be good for your health, or his ED - and either marriage.

[RoseRen]

Thanks for all your comforting words and guidance, all of you.

 

So you did not convert to Islam? If you didn't, I didn't know it was possible for you to marry a Muslim man. Maybe different countries have different laws.

 

Wow - now, I'm confused!

 

OW is right. We had a civil marriage and hence a conversion wasn't necessary. And my husband was not interested in me converting unless I felt motivated spiritually to do so.

 

RR,

I would doubt almost anything he tells you, due to the history you've described.

Your heart does not deserve to be broken this way. You deserve to have the M that can bring you joy and fulfillment.

 

I still trust my husband not because of blind love. He is very attached to his parents and any small emotional blackmailing from their side has great effect on him. I have noticed this even when he was a kid. Another point is I would think that he did marry for money - not that he wanted to lead a luxurious life - but there are severe financial issues in his family.

 

If he had preplanned on cheating me, he would have got married and started leading a "happy married life" and I would have thought that he betrayed me. But his new wife did mention that she thinks he is a very remote and unattached person.

 

He is promising me that he would join me in another year and file for divorce then. It all boils down to money, if he divorces his wife now, it means we need to pay back a huge sum of money. Neither he nor I can afford that atleast for another year. A divorce within a few months would mean a disgrace to his family too. After a year, he thinks his wife itself would be bored with him and hence it will be a less havoc.

 

RR - I'm really not sure why you're struggling with this on YOUR conscience. It's not as if YOU'VE done anything wrong, or bad. All you've done is not broadcast your marriage - that doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and it doesn't mean it shouldn't be considered valid from a legal or religious perspective.

 

I think I feel guilty because I keep speaking to his wife and she is a very sweet girl. And the way she trusts me with everything sort of amazes me. I want to be with my husband. And the thought that it means he might divorce her - who is actually a innocent girl - sort of makes me feel guilty. But I don't think me or her would be able to remain happily in a polygynous marriage for a longtime.

 

I just realised a bit of wickedness in me recently. Everytime she complains to me about something not being proper in their marriage, though I comfort her and give excuses on my H's behalf, I'm glad deep inside. Its sort of selfish, isn't it, to see that their marriage isn't working and hence assume that he loves me still and be glad.

[RoseRen]

I had another chat with my H about how I felt. And he suggested I could stop talking to his new wife, if it helped me feel better. He also kept telling me that he will be divorcing her (religiously and legally; this would be required so that she can move on), so I shouldn't be worrying about the future. He added that the less contact I would have with her, the more I would be able to support him through the entire process. The last thing he wanted was me being confused about whether he should divorce her or not.

 

Then in the afternoon, I called her, and told her I wouldn't be using my cell number anymore. And she genuinely felt sad about it. She wanted my postal address so that she could mail me. I gave her my email address instead. I also got a new cell number now.

 

I am hoping that this will help me in feeling less guilty about the whole thing.

[OWoman]

I had another chat with my H about how I felt. And he suggested I could stop talking to his new wife, if it helped me feel better. He also kept telling me that he will be divorcing her (religiously and legally; this would be required so that she can move on), so I shouldn't be worrying about the future. He added that the less contact I would have with her, the more I would be able to support him through the entire process. The last thing he wanted was me being confused about whether he should divorce her or not.

 

Your H is very skillful at getting you to take on the guilt HE should be feeling. He was the one who lied to this woman, letting her believe she was his only wife. You have been providing the support to her that her H should have been providing. Now he is going to divorce her and she won't understand where that is coming from, and he wants you to support HIM.

 

It strikes me that one person is providing all the support her, and not getting much in return... RR, are you sure you're OK with that?