Best Friend - Lover - Husband - MM

[OpenBook]

I know one of the serious concerns that might sound very very stupid to most of you is, I lost my virginity to him, and that makes me not want to be with another man. I dont think most people understand that bit, because of the cultural differences. But may be I should "grow up".

 

It's not stupid at all. I'm a "libertine" American, and I too married the guy who took my virginity. And what a disastrous combination THAT turned out to be!! I don't regret giving my virginity to him, as I was madly in love with him. However, I DO regret marrying him. We were not good life partners together. Just a bad combination, nobody's fault.

 

My virginity was my gift to him. It did not make me beholden to him... even though I felt it did at the time.

 

But I realize that cultural pressure is a powerful force. I hope you are in an environment where your independence and your right to be WHO YOU ARE is encouraged.

[RoseRen]

It's not stupid at all. I'm a "libertine" American, and I too married the guy who took my virginity. And what a disastrous combination THAT turned out to be!! I don't regret giving my virginity to him, as I was madly in love with him. However, I DO regret marrying him. We were not good life partners together. Just a bad combination, nobody's fault.

 

My virginity was my gift to him. It did not make me beholden to him... even though I felt it did at the time.

 

I don't know if it is a coincidence, but I received this forward from a friend of mine.

 

If you love some one because you think that he or she is really gorgeous then it is not love - it's "infatuation"

 

If you love someone because you think that you shouldn't leave him because others think that you shoudn't - then it's not love - it's "compromise"

 

If you love some one because you think you cannot live without his touch - then it;s not love - it's "lust"

 

If you love some one because you have been kissed by him - then it's not love - it's "inferiority complex"

 

If you some one because you cannot leave him thinking that it would hurt his feelings - then it's not love - it's "charity"

 

If you love some one because you share everything with him -then it's not love - it's "friendship"

 

but if you feel the pain of the other person more than him even when he is stable and you cry for him - that's "LOVE"

 

if you get attracted to other people but stay with him without any regrets - that's "LOVE"

 

If you let him go knowing that he has to go but he doesn't want to - that's "LOVE"

[RoseRen]

I don't even think that bond which we shared exists anymore.

 

This may be a very trivial thing. He created a profile on one of the social networking sites. I saw this today and noticed that it was started more than a month ago. I have never forced him to mention such trivial things to me, but the fact is we always did talk abt even the most silliest things as these.

 

The moment I realised that it was his profile, my eyes welled up with tears. Now,I realise its the most stupidest reaction. But I feel some sort of hurt inside me, which I cannot explain.

 

Am I still in denial, trying to believe that he loves me and failing to see the signs? Its not about the above incident I'm thinking of.

 

There has been a lot of things, I realised after reading what people have been going through...

 

1) He and his wife could be lying about his ED.

2) He could be using the ED story thinking I would leave him.

3) He left me because he didn't know how to handle my illness.

4) He left because I wasn't emotionally stable then (I should admit this bit).

5) He left because he was bored with me... we had known each other for over 20 years by then.

6) He had flirted with girls prettier and richer than me. May be he suddenly realised what he was getting into.

7) He is still being in good terms with me, probably because he thinks he can use me financially and as a time-pass and as a sounding boad at times.

8) He is still being in good terms with me, because then I'll remain silent, and wont create chaos by exposing everything to his new wife and her family.

9) He is being good with me, because he fears I might harm myself

 

These may not be true... I'm just using this forum as a sounding board and to get things off my mind.

 

I think I'm back at square one - back to the date when I heard he was married. I feel all those decisions I made just disappear like mist. I have lost faith in love and friendship. I don't even know anymore what I want in life.

 

I wish I had someone by me now, as a good support.

[OpenBook]

Many people join social networking sites to connect with others and ease loneliness in our disjointed society. It's a great way to get close, but not too close, to others. I don't see much negative significance in this.

 

I don't know what to tell you about your list of possibilities. I do know that you are the best person to make the call in how he is treating you... and what you want to do about it.

 

I strongly disagree that you are back to square one. You've had a lot of time to think this through. This is a process. There's no easy solution. But you are way further along than you were before.

 

I hope that no matter what, you realize that whether or not there is someone supportive beside you at any given point in your life, that you are ENOUGH, in and of yourself. You are perfectly capable of conducting your life in whatever manner you see fit.

 

Do you enjoy your job? That (and my girlfriends) got me through the roughest times in my life. "Do what you love" is the best advice I have ever received. And it's so true.

 

Everything has a way of working out. Never the way we think it will... but it all works out in the end.

[RoseRen]

a) I lost my virginity to him

b) He has been my idea of a friend and a spouse for a long time - but now he seems like a stranger to me

c) Past investments in terms of time, money, etc.

d) For the sake of those few people who knows we were married, and still hopes that we will get back together.

e) For the sake of those few people who knows we are married, and don't even know he married again.

f) My parents are worried as they can't see a future for me. In India, no guy will come forward to marry a girl in my situation. If anybody does, it is going to be a divorcee or widower. My parents are concerned abt these. Before I blame my parents, I myself can't see a future with a guy, who will love me unconditionally.

g) I can't find a new love and then spoil his life, because I don't think I can ever love or trust anyone as I once did.

h) I don't want him to feel I left him at his worst time - financial probs, ED, etc.

i) He spends 1hr everyday talking to me or listening to me. (I'm very talkative)

j) He has never told me on my face that he left me because I was ill. He actually married me after knowing that I had lung cancer. He knew I had cancer before for 1.5yrs of our marriage. And he knew my recovery was not happening very fast.

k) He had sex with me only after our wedding. He respected my word on this, and was very patient with me about this.

l) He never forced me to convert to his religion nor leave my family for him.

m) For everything that happened there is some sort of explanation that he gives me - however stupid they may sound, they cannotbe ruled out all together.

n) He is still talking to me after he is married to another girl

o) He still says "i love you"

[RoseRen]

Many people join social networking sites to connect with others and ease loneliness in our disjointed society. It's a great way to get close, but not too close, to others. I don't see much negative significance in this.

 

I agree to the core with you. I'm just concerned that I can see a distance between us already.

 

I strongly disagree that you are back to square one. You've had a lot of time to think this through. This is a process. There's no easy solution. But you are way further along than you were before.

 

I would like to believe that. But then I see that the road I'm going down doesn't seem to have any destination.

 

I hope that no matter what, you realize that whether or not there is someone supportive beside you at any given point in your life, that you are ENOUGH, in and of yourself. You are perfectly capable of conducting your life in whatever manner you see fit.

 

In real life, I haven't sort the support of many people. And I thought I could sort everything myself. I had been thinking all along that I am a very strong person. I had been so used to keeping my sorrows to myself. But now I'm feeling very low. I even thought of ending up my life - but then sense has come back to me. Life is so rough.

[White Flower]

I don't even think that bond which we shared exists anymore.

 

This may be a very trivial thing. He created a profile on one of the social networking sites. I saw this today and noticed that it was started more than a month ago. I have never forced him to mention such trivial things to me, but the fact is we always did talk abt even the most silliest things as these.

 

The moment I realised that it was his profile, my eyes welled up with tears. Now,I realise its the most stupidest reaction. But I feel some sort of hurt inside me, which I cannot explain.

 

Am I still in denial, trying to believe that he loves me and failing to see the signs? Its not about the above incident I'm thinking of.

 

There has been a lot of things, I realised after reading what people have been going through...

 

1) He and his wife could be lying about his ED.

2) He could be using the ED story thinking I would leave him.

3) He left me because he didn't know how to handle my illness.

4) He left because I wasn't emotionally stable then (I should admit this bit).

5) He left because he was bored with me... we had known each other for over 20 years by then.

6) He had flirted with girls prettier and richer than me. May be he suddenly realised what he was getting into.

7) He is still being in good terms with me, probably because he thinks he can use me financially and as a time-pass and as a sounding boad at times.

8) He is still being in good terms with me, because then I'll remain silent, and wont create chaos by exposing everything to his new wife and her family.

9) He is being good with me, because he fears I might harm myself

 

These may not be true... I'm just using this forum as a sounding board and to get things off my mind.

 

I think I'm back at square one - back to the date when I heard he was married. I feel all those decisions I made just disappear like mist. I have lost faith in love and friendship. I don't even know anymore what I want in life.

 

I wish I had someone by me now, as a good support.

(((((hugs)))))

Hugs to you RR. I hope you know we are here and we care. I think it is good to list all these points because you can think about them logically and make your decisions based on that. You are so smart and capable. You sound like an awesome and wonderful woman and I'm sure you deserve the very best in life. Good luck.

And I really liked your email forward. I copied and saved it. Thanks for sharing it.

[Lyssa]

In real life, I haven't sort the support of many people. And I thought I could sort everything myself. I had been thinking all along that I am a very strong person. I had been so used to keeping my sorrows to myself. But now I'm feeling very low. I even thought of ending up my life - but then sense has come back to me. Life is so rough.

 

Hi RR.. You have a place for support now. It may not always be what you want to hear but some do understand what you're going through. Ending your life for something like this or anything else for that matter, isn't right. You're too smart to do that. Life is never set out to be easy for anyone. It may seem like it is for some but we don't know for sure, do we?

 

[[[[[RR]]]]]

 

(((((hugs)))))

Hugs to you RR. I hope you know we are here and we care. I think it is good to list all these points because you can think about them logically and make your decisions based on that. You are so smart and capable. You sound like an awesome and wonderful woman and I'm sure you deserve the very best in life. Good luck.

And I really liked your email forward. I copied and saved it. Thanks for sharing it.

 

I'm with WF, you are very smart and capable. You will pull through all this in due time. Keep posting because it helps and all the best!

[RoseRen]

Thank you sooooo mch Lyssa & White Flower. I honestly do feel a lot better today.

 

Today was our 2nd wedding anniversary and we had a couple of hours of long talks over the phone.

 

I should admit committing a couple of mistakes today... we had this nice sweet talk... and out of no where... I started --- "If you loved me so much... why did you do this to me?" I am the worst nagger a man will ever find.

 

And then I started talking crap like... "may be I should have died with cancer 'like you wanted me to' so that you all could live in peace". I have no clue why I made that horrendous statement, but I clearly remember making it.

 

Well... he wasn't very forgiving to these talks either... he mentioned that if I am going to bring up the past like this, may be he wouldn't want to come back to me, as it would not make either of us happy.

 

That sentence hurt me. But then the mistake was mine here. I am 100% aware of the pain he is in... why am I adding on to that? Even I don't have an answer to that. I don't even know why I am making these comments.

 

Irrespective of whether he will come back to me or not, I need to let go off the past. Wish I had amnesia.

[Lyssa]

RR - so happy to know you're doing much better today!

 

I admit I have done the same thing as above. Saying things I didn't mean to say but saying it for the sake of wanting to start an argument or to see his reaction to it. When he was still married, I would ask things that I know would hurt me just so that he knows the information hurt me.

 

I felt stupid afterwards because I know my reactions hurt him as well. Not talking to him or just making sarcastic, wise remarks. Generally, we are so caught up in our own world, that every now and then even though we say we love one another, we do things that hurt the other person - and deep down while we doing it or saying it, we know it's busy hurting the other person, but just don't stop..... till it's usually too late.

 

At times like that, oh boy! I wish I had amnesia too!! LOL.

[OpenBook]

You know what? I am so sick of seeing women regretting and kicking themselves for bringing up stuff with their men. Mainly because I've done the same thing myself, so many times!! I don't think we should ever have to apologize for seeking answers -- especially from a man who is being nebulous, and whom we KNOW is not being straight with us.

 

When I look back on the times I've questioned my H or BF, the only thing I regret is HOW I did it. If I could have done it without getting hysterical... and then calmly jerked a GREAT BIG KNOT in him... that would've been perfect.

[Lyssa]

I don't regret one bit, like you - I wish I had brought it up differently... I've never done it hysterically though... don't think I would want to go hysterical on him anyway.

[RoseRen]

Today his new wife send me a mail asking me to call her. I hadn't given her my new mobile number. I called her not knowing what it was for, because she sounded very desperate to get in touch with me.

 

She had overheard someone talking about me being his wife. (Everyone in my H's family know we are married.) And she wanted to know if it was true.

 

When she asked first I denied. I just laughed at that as though it was a joke and then cut the call. I had called her from a friend's place. She called back to that number enquiring about me after I had left. And my friend seems to have told her everything and even gave her my mobile number.

 

She called an hour ago and asked me again about this. But she took everything very calmly I think. Because all she asked me was to forget him and move on in life. I didn't answer her. Told her I would call later and kept the phone.

 

My H has been unreachable after that. So I haven't been able to let him know about this yet.

 

After seeing her response, my guilt has increased.

 

I think all worst things are happening together.

 

I have this gut feeling that my H will choose her over me. I don't know if it is because of my low self-esteem, or because I have been dumped earlier - by the same person, or because I know that his priority is money for now.

 

now what?

[RoseRen]

I feel guilty, and I feel betrayed. A strange mix.

 

No calls/messages from anyone so far. I can't even get to sleep.

[White Flower]

I feel guilty, and I feel betrayed. A strange mix.

 

No calls/messages from anyone so far. I can't even get to sleep.

Well, at least you got the truth out and now everyone can deal with it. She may not want him after this. I am hoping for the best situation for you. You deserve it because you are the first wife and he has led you to believe he still loves you. He shouldn't make you wait for contact, though. I am sure he knows how difficult this time must be for you. Hang in there, try to get some sleep, and know that you have people to talk to here.

[WitchyLady]

RoseRen, do yourself a favor. get a lawyer, and get out of this mess NOW. I'm sorry, I don't mean to be harsh with you, but this man is an emotional abuser, and liar besides, no matter how much you think you love him, he is NOT worthy of that love. He's used you, he's lied to you, he's betrayed you, and he's not been there emotionally for you in what was undoubtedly the worst illness of your life.

 

I know it can be hard to let go of someone you've loved all your life, but for your own sake, respect yourself and get out.

 

If this man will cheat on you once, he'll do it again, and even if he did come back? He wouldn't treat you like a proper wife, with the respect and love that is required anyway, in fact I'd bet good money that when the dust settles the $$$$ her family has will mean far more to him than anything you can offer him. He'll find some way to apologize to her, and to keep you dangling, you watch.

 

Frankly, you're too good for him.

 

Do yourself a huge favor, forget about cultural pressure, divorce him, and find yourself a man who can TRULY be your lover, your husband and your best friend.

 

Let's face it, you deserve far better than a lying bigamist, and that's what he is, cultural traditions and religious beliefs notwithstanding. Being married to two spouses not necessarily a bad thing, if both women know up front and are happy with the arrangement, but sneaking around, lying to both women, making one take the heat so that he can keep them both?

 

Sorry, I have to question what kind of a man this guy really is.

 

A good man doesn't just doesn't do this to a woman he supposedly loves.

 

HUG

[RoseRen]

I am so undecided. I'll have to talk to him before I can make a decision. What'll matter to me will be if he will accept me or throw me away.

 

I'm going to need a lot of support if he throws me away. Or if he accepts me, I would want to still offer him support.

[RoseRen]

He spoke to me. She had contacted him in the morning and had asked him. First my H thought I had told her. He told me he just accepted everything.

 

Then he spoke to me online. He asked me if I had told her. I told him everything. He told me he is just waiting for his in-laws to phone him and throw him out. He is just depressed.

 

I was the one who was confused and depressed. But looks like I've company. I've been telling him "It's OK." "Everything happens for good" for the last couple of hours. But then I didn't bring up the topic abt who he will choose.

 

At his current state I just didnt feel like asking him that. Do I ask him now? Or leave it until he is OK?

[White Flower]

He spoke to me. She had contacted him in the morning and had asked him. First my H thought I had told her. He told me he just accepted everything.

 

Then he spoke to me online. He asked me if I had told her. I told him everything. He told me he is just waiting for his in-laws to phone him and throw him out. He is just depressed.

 

I was the one who was confused and depressed. But looks like I've company. I've been telling him "It's OK." "Everything happens for good" for the last couple of hours. But then I didn't bring up the topic abt who he will choose.

 

At his current state I just didnt feel like asking him that. Do I ask him now? Or leave it until he is OK?

That is a difficult question. I assume that in your culture you have what is called high context language. In other words, you are not direct and to the point because it may be considered rude. But we are talking about someone you are married to and have shared a bed with. I live in a low-context culture where we get right to the point and it is not rude. Yet, there is the personal choice of how gently we want to approach someone who is suffering with an ordeal or emotional issue. And we have an expression, "Strike while the iron is hot", which means get in their before she cools off and forgives him, if you still want him.

 

Good luck, RR. Hugs.

[RoseRen]

I asked him and he answered "may be". (He told me today he wants to come back to me, but he is not sure anymore whether he'll be able to do that.)

[White Flower]

I asked him and he answered "may be". (He told me today he wants to come back to me, but he is not sure anymore whether he'll be able to do that.)

I hope you get what you want. Now is the time to put some pressure on him.

[RoseRen]

You just wont believe what happened. His wife is still friends with me and told me word for word what conversation they had. I didn't ask him what they talked, because I knew he was hurt and didn't want to discuss that.

 

She was telling me that we both are the betrayed spouses of a very very cruel man. I didn't agree or disagree with her. I thought I would be better off with my mouth shut.

 

And it looks like his new wife blamed him abt his ED. She is not aware of his condition, but she just told him something like "you are not even good for that(Sex)". When she mentioned to me... I felt like so bad... but I didn't reveal to her about the ED. Now I know why he is just so broken. And I think that's the actual reason behind his "may be" y'day.

 

I spoke to him for hours trying to build some confidence in him. But he was telling me he is useless. He is just waiting for his wife to break up with him - which I don't think will happen (again cultural problem. You would have noticed India has the least divorce rate, thanks to women who prefer to suffer rather than divorce). And he is not ready to come back to me now.

 

He was going on and on about what would life have been fo me if I wasnt in love with him. And he was telling me he has made the decision for my good (What good?!?!?). He also was telling how loveless his new wife was compared to me (I was flattered) and then told me she was right about him being good-for-nothing.

 

And then I made a terrible mistake... I lied to him!!! I told him I had spoken to her and that she was so upset that she would lose him, and that she loved him more than me. And that time, all that mattered to me was he shouldn't regain his confidence. I didnt think for a moment what I was just telling.

 

After that I kept my mouth shut. This is what people call "digging your own grave" I am just an idiot. Somewhere I am hoping he regains his confidence, and then somewhere I am hoping he would come to know that was a lie.

 

While looking at my relationship it all seems like a boring movie. How did I end up in this mess? And how do I manage to do everything the wrong way?

[White Flower]

You just wont believe what happened. His wife is still friends with me and told me word for word what conversation they had. I didn't ask him what they talked, because I knew he was hurt and didn't want to discuss that.

 

She was telling me that we both are the betrayed spouses of a very very cruel man. I didn't agree or disagree with her. I thought I would be better off with my mouth shut.

 

And it looks like his new wife blamed him abt his ED. She is not aware of his condition, but she just told him something like "you are not even good for that(Sex)". When she mentioned to me... I felt like so bad... but I didn't reveal to her about the ED. Now I know why he is just so broken. And I think that's the actual reason behind his "may be" y'day.

 

I spoke to him for hours trying to build some confidence in him. But he was telling me he is useless. He is just waiting for his wife to break up with him - which I don't think will happen (again cultural problem. You would have noticed India has the least divorce rate, thanks to women who prefer to suffer rather than divorce). And he is not ready to come back to me now.

 

He was going on and on about what would life have been fo me if I wasnt in love with him. And he was telling me he has made the decision for my good (What good?!?!?). He also was telling how loveless his new wife was compared to me (I was flattered) and then told me she was right about him being good-for-nothing.

 

And then I made a terrible mistake... I lied to him!!! I told him I had spoken to her and that she was so upset that she would lose him, and that she loved him more than me. And that time, all that mattered to me was he shouldn't regain his confidence. I didnt think for a moment what I was just telling.

 

After that I kept my mouth shut. This is what people call "digging your own grave" I am just an idiot. Somewhere I am hoping he regains his confidence, and then somewhere I am hoping he would come to know that was a lie.

 

While looking at my relationship it all seems like a boring movie. How did I end up in this mess? And how do I manage to do everything the wrong way?

I've been reading through these posts looking for your ages. How old are you, H, and the other wife?

 

I know you love him, but

 

1) he has not really been there for you during your illness

2) he married someone else while you were away for money, and

3) he has ED!!!

 

If I were young enough and did not have children, I would "Get the hell out of Dodge!" That means get out while you can and start all over again. Have one of those vaginal rejuvination surgeries so you can remarry as a virgin again. Or move to the US or UK or Europe and marry someone who will love you for you and not care whether you are a virgin or not. You are worth someone so much better!!!

 

Hugs.

[sderenzi]

Dear god lady just go find someone with a normal sexual ability, let him marry his other female. This is so much drama filled dribble I can't stand it, god help her.

[RoseRen]

I've been reading through these posts looking for your ages. How old are you, H, and the other wife?

 

I am 25 and am in UK now. My H is 29 and she is 18.

 

If I were young enough and did not have children, I would "Get the hell out of Dodge!" That means get out while you can and start all over again. Have one of those vaginal rejuvination surgeries so you can remarry as a virgin again. Or move to the US or UK or Europe and marry someone who will love you for you and not care whether you are a virgin or not. You are worth someone so much better!!!

 

Should I leave him at this situation? If not me, who else will be there for him? At this juncture everyone will surely criticize him, and I think atleast I should support him. I know he has dumped me at my most difficult time, but I think this is the worst time for a payback. I atleast have friends like you with whom I can open my heart and discuss my issues with. He doesn't have anyone.

 

I know my life is in a mess. There were times when I used to think I want to get out of all this. But then, I cant bring my heart to do it. For all you know, he might realise how much I love him and come back to me.