Best Friend - Lover - Husband - MM

[RoseRen]

I think he is feeling guilty about this whole mess he has created. Even I am aware that he is responsible for this entire thing. I am just trying to help him out, because I don't see the point in quarreling with him over this. I am atleast able to talk about this through this forum or to him. But he doesn't open up to anyone and keeps most of the things bottled up. I am hoping that all this emotional investment that I am putting into this relationship doesn't go in vain!

[CallMeCrazy]

Oh my....

 

I imagine that you are a beautiful, intelligent woman ~ one who has been through hell dealing with such a terrible illness.

 

I have 0 respect for a man who would abandon his wife at a time like yours... Please think about that. Regardless of religious beliefs. He left you in another country and had little-to-no communication with you for months! All the while knowing about your medical condition.... and then married someone else?!?! How could this ever be ok. Would you do this to your friend!? I doubt it... then how could you do this to the person you love?

 

You should move on. You will meet someone who is deserving of your love. This man obviously has issues (due to his own medical condition) and probably can't stand up to his family pressures. Plus, if he is in financial troubles that is another red flag.

 

You deserve better and should demand it! Best of luck to you. Be strong!!

 

Sincerely, CallMeCrazy

[RoseRen]

Thanks for your concern, CallMeCrazy, and for your lovely compliments.

 

I have known my H since I was a kid. I wouldn't say that he is the most perfect person, but I have learnt to love him for what he is.

 

Without him I feel a vacuum which I really can't explain. I have not had any close friends other than him. I have been so dependent on him until we started having these silly fights a couple of years ago.

 

We did have relationship issues and I need to take half the responsibility for that. He was not able to support me through my therapy financially. That was one of the reasons I had to keep my job, move to UK for the treatment and juggle with work and treatment. I changed drastically during this phase, wherein I contributed very little to the relationship. My H couldn't help me out, so instead he just distanced himself.

 

There were instances when he was affected by inferiority complex (as he couldn't help me) and looked up to me for acceptance and affection, and I couldn't provide that to him then. Neither did we have a good physical chemistry after the marriage because of staying apart and because of the treatment.

 

I am writing all this history here, because I don't want you to imagine him as this brutal man who betrayed and diserted his wife for no reason. If I am so desperate to get back with him, after all that is happened, you can imagine the bond we once had.

 

I did give a thought about letting go and moving on, when I initially heard he was married. But it is so difficult for me. Now I have quit thinking about moving on and I have decided to work on the relationship instead.

 

He has changed, so have I, and worse, so have our relationship. We have started becoming more open very recently. We hurt each other during the past two years, and now I am trying to repent and forgive, thinking of the other 20+ years we have loved each other as friends and lovers. Hope you will wish me luck in this!

 

One of the problems I am still facing is figuring out is, how to deal with his new wife. She is the innocent person who got caught up in this mess. I may not be directly responsible for this. There are a lot of people who can be blamed for this - his parents who pressurized for his marriage after knowing that we were married, my parents who knew that he was getting married but did nothing to stop it and then he himself.

 

I know he will have to deal with her (divorce her and/or disclose about our relationship) when the time comes. And I think it is selfish to leave him alone to deal with it, isn't it? I admit he created this mess, but if I am his true partner, shouldn't I be helping him in getting out of it?

[RoseRen]

Today my H spoke to me over the phone and sounded very depressed about his ED. He repeatedly told me that I should move on get a life as he is useless and all that. I told him, I would be with him no matter what. But that seems to just anger and depress him more. I would love to go and be with him - but personal circumstances are preventing me from doing this. There are financial concerns as well. How do I handle this? What should I do? How can I comfort him? Please please advice!!!

[OWoman]

Today my H spoke to me over the phone and sounded very depressed about his ED.

 

RR I'm not a doctor so could be completely wrong about this, but I suspect his ED is largely, if not completely, due to the stress and pressures of his rather complicated life. While many men in later years experience some ED some times, this is usually gradual onset, often linked to physical conditions like very high blood pressure and is treatable by medication (those little blue pills...). If the cause is emotional or psychological though, those pills won't help at all. The only thing that will help is to remove the cause of the stress, pressure or guilt - and perhaps your H can speak to a counsellor about how best to do that, as it's going to mean speaking to his second W and sorting things out with her, as well as with you.

 

That you say your support made him sound even more depressed supports my suspicions - he's feeling guilty about the situation (and well he should - he has misled a woman who you say is sweet and innocent, and drawn you into that so that you now feel guilty too) and your being understanding and supportive is just underscoring how wrong he is to treat you badly.

 

RR you are being as supportive and understanding as any W could possibly be - far more, I'd say, than could possibly be asked of you. But you can't solve your H's problem for him - only he can do that, and he can only do that by facing up to the things he's trying to avoid.

 

Strength. You're being a real saint in all this. I just hope you are getting the same kind of support for yourself, as you are giving to him.

[LikeNoOther]

You're doing a great job as a W.

 

I just hope you do a great job at loving yourself too.

 

Like OWoman, I hope you're getting the same from him.

 

You deserve it.

[RoseRen]

RR I'm not a doctor so could be completely wrong about this, but I suspect his ED is largely, if not completely, due to the stress and pressures of his rather complicated life.

 

You are not the only person who told me this here, I think. And now I too think it is true. He is not the hppy-go-lucky guy he used to be anymore.

 

I requested him a lot of times to see a doctor, but he isn't doing it. I don't know how to cajole him to do it.

 

He has made up his mind that he is never going to be OK again. And he is bottling up a lot. All this would just add to the stress, right?

 

I am now realizing that I'm not the right support system for him. The more I try to be supportive, it seems to add salt to his wounds. Perhaps he needs a male friend who can help him out, or probably a forum like this to vent his feelings.

 

I just hope you do a great job at loving yourself too.

 

You're right. I need to do something abt this as well. At the moment, I'm feeling so helpless and useless.

[RoseRen]

I am very bad in dealing with this. Until y'day I was coaxing him to go and see a Dr about it.

 

After all that coaxing, he told me he had seen one about 2 months ago, and this Dr had given him some tablets to take for a week. The Dr had mentioned that if the tablets were effective, to continue taking them. But my H said they weren't so he had to stop. His Dr also had mentioned about an operation.

 

My H says he doesn't know what is wrong with him, and he is adamant that he won't go to a Dr again. No amount of coaxing or cajoling from my part regarding this seems to have any effect on him.

 

Every time I bring up this topic, he tells me this and it hurts me each time I hear it - "I told you, you wouldn't be happy with me if you got back with me, because sex is important in a married life. I cannot do anything about this situation because I don't have anymore hope. Why don't yo just leave me and get a new good life you deserve."

 

Is he trying to chase me away by telling this? What is wrong with me that he wants to chase me away? Or is this the normal reaction any guy?

[OWoman]

After all that coaxing, he told me he had seen one about 2 months ago, and this Dr had given him some tablets to take for a week. The Dr had mentioned that if the tablets were effective, to continue taking them. But my H said they weren't so he had to stop. His Dr also had mentioned about an operation.

 

RR if the tablets didn't help, then it does sound as if it's emotional / psychological rather than physical. I think your H probably recognises this and doesn't want to admit it to himself or to you, because that puts pressure on him to confront the issues he's trying to avoid.

 

I think he's trying to distance you because it shows up his own failings, not because of anything about you that could or should be different. You have set him a high standard to live up to, by the impeccable way you have conducted yourself through all of this, and perhaps he just can't face the prospect of not managing to live up to that?

 

Also, his self-confidence and self-image will have taken a knock with the ED. Even if it's clear where it's coming from, part of him will still doubt his masculinity until such time as he can prove to himself that he's not a total failure in that department. I'm sure he's worried that even with you, supportive and understanding as you are, he might have that problem, and that that will prove to him he's failed as a husband. At least if he can push you away, he never has to confront that possibility, and can always hold out to himself the comfort that it could have been different, that he wouldn't have failed, without having to put it to the test.

 

Strength, RR, it sounds as if you're having a really rough time in all this.

[OpenBook]

Is he trying to chase me away by telling this? What is wrong with me that he wants to chase me away? Or is this the normal reaction any guy?

 

Hi Rose. I have heard of H's reacting to their W's illnesses by withdrawing from sex. Didn't your problems with him begin right around the time you were diagnosed with cancer? Maybe he got married again because he thought you weren't going to survive it. Some men do not deal well at all with their mates' health problems.

 

I know that's a horrible thought, but this guy sounds like a horrible person!

[RoseRen]

Hi Rose. I have heard of H's reacting to their W's illnesses by withdrawing from sex. Didn't your problems with him begin right around the time you were diagnosed with cancer? Maybe he got married again because he thought you weren't going to survive it. Some men do not deal well at all with their mates' health problems.

 

I know that's a horrible thought, but this guy sounds like a horrible person!

 

The first time I came to know abt his issue, I thought it was something abt me. But it isn't. It's worse with his second marriage - considering the fact that they are newly married.

 

But I agree with you, that he is not the best person to deal with my illness; or for that matter, his own. And many a time I've thought the same - "Maybe he got married again because he thought you weren't going to survive it."

 

I have stopped questioning why he did it. Because no matter whatever explanation I come up with, I'm not going to like it. Past is past. I still love him, and honestly don't think he is a horrible person.

 

I just can't believe this is happening to me. But time is a great healer.

[RoseRen]

One of our common friends, who knows most of our story, suggested that I should give him some space and leave him alone for sometime. He also told me that he thought, the more "nice" or "sweet" I was to my H, he would feel more guilty.

 

I had been thinking the same for some time now, but then wasn't sure if I should run away from him, just in case he needed me. Now this friend who suggested this doesn't know abt my H's ED. And I had been thinking that if I suddenly stop talking to my H, he might think tht it is because of I think he is "useless".

 

I am confused. I know it isn't a big thing to be confused about, but any thoughts on this?

[CallMeCrazy]

Ok random thought....

 

I don't know how many partners you have had, but consider this.... Each time you're with a "new" person I imagine it takes a bit of time to be fully comfortable with this person and fully let loose (for lack of a better term;)). It's always interesting for me.... because so much of what I'm able to experience depends on where I am MENTALLY with the person. Meaning: if I'm naturally comfortable, if it's taken some time, etc.

 

IMHO, he has some serious issues that he can't work out! I think we'd all be surprised how much of the sexual problems we experience are mental things....

 

I bet he's feeling a HUGE amount of guilt over the situation. I know you care for this man, but I just don't know how much of your time is worth spending on him. Remember.... He married someone else!!! I don't understand why a person would do that. I think there are a lot of guys out there who will purposely do things to "make" the woman end the relationship because they don't have the guts to do it themselves. I can't help but wonder if that is what is going on here?!?

 

I say this with the utmost respect for you.... You seem to be a very sweet, sincere, kind person with the best of intentions. However, sometimes not every relationship is worth saving...

[White Flower]

Hi Rose,

 

I am so sorry that your parents/inlaws interfered in your marriage.

 

If they knew what was best, why did they insist on a divorce afterward? You don't have to answer this question; I was being sarcastic.

 

If you and your exH still love each other, why doesn't he just divorce the new girl? Will that be unacceptable in your country? How about a man having two wives, is that allowed?

 

I read this thread in the Religious forum where you aslo posted this and asked the question as to whether anyone thought you were committing a sin by having a R with your exH. I don't believe in sin so I would have to say no, it is not a sin. But, you have to listen to your conscience and see what it is telling you.

 

I just hate when a custom or culture or religion robs people from their true love. If he divorces her to remarry you, she is a ruined virgin. And if you stay divorced, the same could be said for you, I assume? Just another one of the side effects of mixing what our holy book says, what our parents say, and what our hearts say.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[RoseRen]

If you and your exH still love each other, why doesn't he just divorce the new girl? Will that be unacceptable in your country?

 

Legally he doesn't have to divorce her, as we are not divorced yet and hence his second marriage is legally annulled. This was what one of the solicitors we approached told us. But to prevent any further problems for her, my H told me that he would legally divorce her.

 

But that is where the story is a bit complicated. There are a lot of reasons why he can't do that so soon. He got married only 6 months ago.

 

In India the dowry system exists, and he and his family had got a huge amount of money from the bride's family. Now divorcing her would mean that he has to return the amount. With the sort of financial constraints we both have, it is easily said than done.

 

You would have noticed that divorces are very rare in India, because in marriages there, families are involved to a very great extent. So it would be very difficult to divorce a person just like that. My H is concerned that if he says he want a divorce, they (his and her parents) are going to tell him that he never tried/worked on it. There has been a lot of emotional blackmailing from his parents so far. He want them to feel like he tried but he couldn't. The same would happen in the court as well, as it is required that the couple remain married atleast for a year, before they can even think about divorce.

 

How about a man having two wives, is that allowed?

 

My H is a muslim, and in his religion polygamy is allowed. But in the country I come from polygamy is disapproved.

 

If he divorces her to remarry you, she is a ruined virgin.

 

You just worded out the reason for my conscience-prick. I know what it is to be in that position.

 

My parents want me to re-marry hiding the fact that I was married, simply because it is not easy to get a groom if they knew I was already married. I keep thinking wouldn't she end up where I am if she is divorced.

 

I feel the damage that would be caused is irreparable and hence the guilty feeling. If I feel this for something that I didn't do, I can just guess how guilty my H would feel.

 

There are a lot of issues I am currently trying to deal with like...

my guilty feeling

his ED

letting go of what happened, so that I don't bring it up again -ever

getting back my self-esteem

[RoseRen]

I don't know how many partners you have had, but consider this.... Each time you're with a "new" person I imagine it takes a bit of time to be fully comfortable with this person and fully let loose (for lack of a better term;)). " the woman end the relationship because they don't have the guts to do it themselves. I can't help but wonder if that is what is going on here?!?

 

This has been my first serious relationship, and my only physical relatonship. I have known my H since baby sitting days I believe, and we were good friends since a long long time.

 

I think I am trying to save this relationship because of the same reason. For me losing him would mean losing my spouse, my best friend and my self-esteem.

[OWoman]

There are a lot of issues I am currently trying to deal with like...

my guilty feeling

his ED

letting go of what happened, so that I don't bring it up again -ever

getting back my self-esteem

 

RR I really do feel for you - you have been trapped in this situation not of your making through someone else's duplicity and opportunism, and you have somehow become complicit because of your sweet nature. I really wish I could suggest some easy solution but I don't see one. As you say, the dowry issue is a big constraint if you do not have the finances, and your compassion for the second wife also makes you empathetic towards her situation - she is an innocent victim of this, as are you.

 

The ED I am more and more convinced is linked to the guilt - if there were some easy way to get everyone in a room with a counsellor to discuss matters openly and constructively, and to come up with workable solutions, and your H could feel empowered to take charge of his life again, I'm sure it would be resolved.

 

But broken hearts are not as easy to mend as ED. Neither you nor his second wife will ever be able to regain what you've lost in this, though I really do hope you can reconnect with your H in a positive way again, and rebuild your marriage.

 

You deserve some of the love and support you've been showing to both your H and his second wife. I really do hope you get it!

[RoseRen]

My mind is all over the place now.

 

In another 10 days, it would be our 2nd wedding anniversary.

[White Flower]

My mind is all over the place now.

 

In another 10 days, it would be our 2nd wedding anniversary.

Oh sweetie,

I'm going to say congratulations just because you feel married in your heart and deserve it. I really wish the best outcome for you.

 

Part of me wants so much to encourage you to leave your country, find someone new and wonderful, and get over your current ordeal(s). Of course, easier said than done. But it might be something to consider. People come here (USA) from all over the world to get a fresh start. There is no virgin rule here. Yes, men like good girls, but virginity is not required at marriage. And you really seem like the kind of woman who deserves happiness.

[RoseRen]

Oh sweetie,

I'm going to say congratulations just because you feel married in your heart and deserve it. I really wish the best outcome for you.

 

Part of me wants so much to encourage you to leave your country, find someone new and wonderful, and get over your current ordeal(s). Of course, easier said than done. But it might be something to consider. People come here (USA) from all over the world to get a fresh start. There is no virgin rule here. Yes, men like good girls, but virginity is not required at marriage. And you really seem like the kind of woman who deserves happiness.

 

Thanks WhiteFlower. That was so sweet of you!

 

There are times when I thought the same (about moving on)... but I just couldn't do it! May be I really should reconsider. Not now though.

[TogetherForever]

Hugs to you RoseRen(((())))).

TF

[RoseRen]

Hugs to you RoseRen(((())))).

TF

 

Thanks TogetherForever That was something I really needed.

[indianlover]

Hi RR,

If you haven't guessed by my user name, I know a little bit about what you are going through. I know how difficult this situation is - my personal mantra is 'Do what makes you happy, always. Otherwise you are just wasting your precious time on Earth.' If you truely believe that being with your H will make you happy then do it. But I sense that he has put you through the 'emotional ringer' with this whole situation. Just be careful that you don't fall into the trap many other women here have - which is that he keeps telling you he'll leave and never does. Make limits for yourself and stick with your plan so that you can be happy sooner.

Best wishes,

IL

[RoseRen]

Hi RR,

If you haven't guessed by my user name, I know a little bit about what you are going through. I know how difficult this situation is - my personal mantra is 'Do what makes you happy, always. Otherwise you are just wasting your precious time on Earth.' If you truely believe that being with your H will make you happy then do it. But I sense that he has put you through the 'emotional ringer' with this whole situation. Just be careful that you don't fall into the trap many other women here have - which is that he keeps telling you he'll leave and never does. Make limits for yourself and stick with your plan so that you can be happy sooner.

Best wishes,

IL

 

I had been worried for sometime on the same lines. What if I end up having to wait my entire life?!? I can't even imagine. I am really so confused.

 

I am confused because I may end up hurting someone else. And I am confused because I don't know if I should sacrifice for someone whom I don't know. And what confuses me the most is, if he really loved, like he says he does, how did it cross his mind to marry while I was in hospital?

 

He has his reasons, which are true. I suddenly feel sorry for falling in love with wrong type of guy. But then I do love him. It's a strange emotional combination.

 

May be I should really go back and think what I want and why I am staying.

 

I know one of the serious concerns that might sound very very stupid to most of you is, I lost my virginity to him, and that makes me not want to be with another man. I dont think most people understand that bit, because of the cultural differences. But may be I should "grow up".

[indianlover]

Hi RR,

Hugs to you. I have been there too. My last serious R before my MM was with the man that I lost my virginity to and I think I tried so hard to make it work because of that fact. Looking back I wish I hadn't wasted so much time. Find a good, liberal friend that can help you understand the other perspective on sexuality. Without my best friend (a very liberal European) I would have had aa even tougher time dating again.

 

Then again maybe I'm on the too liberal side of the fence since I'm now dating a MM...