Best Friend - Lover - Husband - MM

[RoseRen]

I always wanted my life to be drama filled when I was a teenager. I never knew what it was like to fall in love at first sight or date someone. We were just buddies, so the usual romantic drama wasn't there. The only "thrilling" thing I can remember is absconding to get married. But now looking back my life is filled with adventures -or do I call these misadventues. I neck deep in this mess and I just don't want to get out. Not because i'm in love with what is happening, but I really do love him.

 

He did desert me when I was ill, but he married me knowing I was ill. So can I desert him in the context that he has ED?

 

I don't think many people will come forward these days to marry a girl with cancer. He did that. If I end up with him, I know I'll miss out one exciting thing of all married lives. But I think God will show mercy to us at some point.

 

This is not a question... I am just speaking my mind out to bore the people round here.

[RoseRen]

First the good news... my husband is religiously getting seperated from his new wife. The process is called Talaaq. The legal divorce will have to wait till next year (1 year after marriage... which is after another 6 months).

 

After this the other wife had called and shouted at me. Now I know why OW-BS are always fighting. Everything is fine, as long as he is not with either of them. Now she knows that he is doing this to get back to me. So the yelling. But she is not at fault.

 

The bad news... I am a contributor to the facts of why he left me and married another woman. Which means, even after talaaq, there is lots we need to work on before we can get back together.

 

I am so over whelmed but will surely post the details when I get back from work.

 

Thank you everyone for you support.... You have been my real friends through this whole process. Will need your help further.

[White Flower]

First the good news... my husband is religiously getting seperated from his new wife. The process is called Talaaq. The legal divorce will have to wait till next year (1 year after marriage... which is after another 6 months).

 

After this the other wife had called and shouted at me. Now I know why OW-BS are always fighting. Everything is fine, as long as he is not with either of them. Now she knows that he is doing this to get back to me. So the yelling. But she is not at fault.

 

The bad news... I am a contributor to the facts of why he left me and married another woman. Which means, even after talaaq, there is lots we need to work on before we can get back together.

 

I am so over whelmed but will surely post the details when I get back from work.

 

Thank you everyone for you support.... You have been my real friends through this whole process. Will need your help further.

Wow, such an interesting turn. You really do love him. He is a very blessed man. Keep us posted.

[RoseRen]

The excitement of the good news has sort have calmed down now. I regret having posted that as "Good News", because I realised during the day that it was a bit inhumane of me to close my eyes to her pain.

 

She tried reaching me several times during the day, but I didn't pick up her call, cause I was scared to hear her shout at me. And I can't blame he one bit for doing that, cause she is the one in pain now. She didn't deserve that pain at all.

 

The talaaq initiation process will start on Saturday, and I heard it will done on the phone.

 

During the day, my parents called me criticising for breaking the life of another girl. Well, I had this "well-rehearsed" reply ready for them - "You are bothered about the life of a girl you don't even know, more than your own daughter's???" It was a bit mean to tell that to my parents, but I thought that would stop them from criticising me for now.

 

Now coming back to the bad news.

 

My husband has the following complaints:

 

1. I am the one who made him lose confidence, by being depressed all the time.

 

His Reason? Ever since I had married him, I am not the jovial person I used to be. I am always whining to him about my life. He gets the feeling he is responsible for my sorrows when I am doing this.

My Reason? It is very unfortunate that it was just after marriage that I started my therapies for cancer, and these made me feel depressed about a lot of things - career, health and finance mainly.

 

2. I am being too needy and don't give him the privacy he desires.

 

His Reason? I always want to know what he did, how he felt, where he was, etc etc. I always want to talk to him 24/7 given he opportunity. I behave as though there i no life apart from him.

My Reason? It is all so true!!! I can't give any dump reason to this, neither can I pass the blame to anyone.

 

I have just one complaint against him, why did he leave me?

 

His Reason? He thought I wasn't happy with him - always complaining and always insecure

 

I need to change!!!

[RoseRen]

He is getting divorced from her today. It is a religious ceremony and will be done on the phone.

 

He had messaged me in the morning about how nervous and anxious he was feeling. It is going to be a long day for him.

[Lyssa]

He is getting divorced from her today. It is a religious ceremony and will be done on the phone.

 

He had messaged me in the morning about how nervous and anxious he was feeling. It is going to be a long day for him.

 

How do you feel about the whole situation now? It has certainly been an interesting turn of events.

 

I'm a Muslim and for Muslim men, it isn't right for them to drop the 'Talaq' over the phone. He must do it in person and with witnesses around him so it kinda made me think because if I'm not mistaken, that is how it is done with other Muslims in other countries.

[RoseRen]

How do you feel about the whole situation now? It has certainly been an interesting turn of events.

 

I'm a Muslim and for Muslim men, it isn't right for them to drop the 'Talaq' over the phone. He must do it in person and with witnesses around him so it kinda made me think because if I'm not mistaken, that is how it is done with other Muslims in other countries.

 

I don't know what to feel. I had spoken to her last night. And she is feeling so bitter and angry at him. I am currently keeping a bit aloof from my H. But he messaged me that he is feeling anxious and nervous, and that he missed my support.

 

I don't know much abt the customs. I think according to what she told me, they will talk to convince them to stay together. Then they might have the procedures done (don't know what that means) and then they will also settle the financial terms. Sometimes it might get prolonged over a period of days.

 

All this sounds alien to me. Even I wasn't aware that a divorce could happen over phone. But the legal divorce - where in they will provide the actual certificate can happen only after 6 more months (1yr after marriage). And that is the bit that would matter to me... if we finally decided to get back together and live together.

[White Flower]

I hope this is the first step that leads to your ultimate happiness. I'm sure it will be a long road.

 

How is the cancer?

[RoseRen]

I hope this is the first step that leads to your ultimate happiness. I'm sure it will be a long road.

 

How is the cancer?

 

I hope so, too, White Flower.

 

I should ideally be going in for my therapy in another month and a half. I am so much better than how I used to be, though it hurts sometimes.

[RoseRen]

The religious divorce process is over. My parents called me to let me know the news. And then started a long period of people calling. I haven't attended any calls, other than my dad-in-laws and then my parents.

 

My H had send me a long mail detailing everything that happened including his emotions. The mail ended with something like "You loved me for who I am, and I love you for who you are now." and I felt so happy to read that bit.

 

But I'm still going to keep the distance for a while. I haven't replied to his mail or offlines or his calls. I know he is feeling lonely and no one is there to support him and that is the reason he is back to me.

 

I was just reminded of something that used to happen when we were teenagers. We used to be the best buddies always hanging around together in school (he was several years senior to me though). But then suddenly he would "fall in love" and then go behind some goodlooking girl and ignore me for some time. He still wanted me to help him complete his assignments or do some simple chores. And then finally when their "greatest love epic" ended he would be back to me wanting my support and advice and time. I always used to tease him about this, and tell him next time you come back I won't be there, because I'm going to find myself a BF. And he would respond ALWAYS - "you won't leave me alone."

 

Looking back at what happened now, I think history has just repeated itself again, but in a greater magnitude. And I think I'm not being forgiving, its just that I am used to it.

[White Flower]

The religious divorce process is over. My parents called me to let me know the news. And then started a long period of people calling. I haven't attended any calls, other than my dad-in-laws and then my parents.

 

My H had send me a long mail detailing everything that happened including his emotions. The mail ended with something like "You loved me for who I am, and I love you for who you are now." and I felt so happy to read that bit.

 

But I'm still going to keep the distance for a while. I haven't replied to his mail or offlines or his calls. I know he is feeling lonely and no one is there to support him and that is the reason he is back to me.

 

I was just reminded of something that used to happen when we were teenagers. We used to be the best buddies always hanging around together in school (he was several years senior to me though). But then suddenly he would "fall in love" and then go behind some goodlooking girl and ignore me for some time. He still wanted me to help him complete his assignments or do some simple chores. And then finally when their "greatest love epic" ended he would be back to me wanting my support and advice and time. I always used to tease him about this, and tell him next time you come back I won't be there, because I'm going to find myself a BF. And he would respond ALWAYS - "you won't leave me alone."

 

Looking back at what happened now, I think history has just repeated itself again, but in a greater magnitude. And I think I'm not being forgiving, its just that I am used to it.

You could be right about that. I ended up that way-being used to it. Problem is, you can't do that forever because then you begin to lose a part of yourself or even entirely. And now I'm in the mess I'm in. I should have stood up formyself a long time ago. I could be living with the love of my life if only I had the courage to divorce as a younger woman.

 

And like you, I thought I was being the good and forgiving Christian wife. Now, I can't stand being his wife and I no longer go to church, but that is another story. I hope you make him understand that while you are forgiving you will not allow further **** to happen. End the cycle now, sweetheart. Be strong.

[RoseRen]

You could be right about that. I ended up that way-being used to it. Problem is, you can't do that forever because then you begin to lose a part of yourself or even entirely. And now I'm in the mess I'm in. I should have stood up formyself a long time ago. I could be living with the love of my life if only I had the courage to divorce as a younger woman.

 

And like you, I thought I was being the good and forgiving Christian wife. Now, I can't stand being his wife and I no longer go to church, but that is another story. I hope you make him understand that while you are forgiving you will not allow further **** to happen. End the cycle now, sweetheart. Be strong.

 

I really can't get over him WhiteFlower. I actually love him. He did one wrong thing and now when he is making amends for that, do I desert him? It's not because he divorced her that I'm taking his side.

 

When I heard that he married someone I did feel furious - but then there are 1000 other things that I can think of, that he did to make me happy. may be as days pass my feelings may change.

 

I don't want to hate him. If I could, I just want to forgive him and move on. My mind is just all over the place.

 

Coming back to what you were telling... the day before we stopped talking, I mentioned that I am trying to forget and forgive what happened, though it is going to be a very difficult process. He understands the pain and he told me so. He told me he is ready to amends for that. And the same day I heard about the divorce. So I hope he will change. I hope I'll change too.

[RoseRen]

After a gap of 10 days I spoke to him today. more about that http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1431180&postcount=34

 

Actually I'm here with a question, because I hope some of the OW here would be able to help me.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, my H had divorced his second wife. So she is now always calling him and shouting at him and even threatening him. Not that he is the most innocent angel, but he is really really upset now.

 

He was asking me for an advice. I asked him to ignore her, but then I wasn't sure myself if that was the right thing to do or may be they should sit down and talk.

 

When my H married, I had done the same thing, I had called and cried. But then he didn't ignore me, instead was so sweet to me and comforted me. I can't make that suggestion to him or else she'll be the next woman to start waiting for him to go back to her.

 

Any suggestions?

[White Flower]

After a gap of 10 days I spoke to him today. more about that http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1431180&postcount=34

 

Actually I'm here with a question, because I hope some of the OW here would be able to help me.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, my H had divorced his second wife. So she is now always calling him and shouting at him and even threatening him. Not that he is the most innocent angel, but he is really really upset now.

 

He was asking me for an advice. I asked him to ignore her, but then I wasn't sure myself if that was the right thing to do or may be they should sit down and talk.

 

When my H married, I had done the same thing, I had called and cried. But then he didn't ignore me, instead was so sweet to me and comforted me. I can't make that suggestion to him or else she'll be the next woman to start waiting for him to go back to her.

 

Any suggestions?

Well, sweetie, he has divorced her and not you. You are now his primary focus. He has formally ended it with her and now I think the best them for them is NC. Otherwise it will just linger and linger. I hope it all works out for the best. Is he living with you now? Are you returning to your home country?

[WanderingDove]

Isn't that karma doing it's work?

[RoseRen]

Well, sweetie, he has divorced her and not you. You are now his primary focus. He has formally ended it with her and now I think the best them for them is NC. Otherwise it will just linger and linger. I hope it all works out for the best. Is he living with you now? Are you returning to your home country?

 

We are still living apart, and our idea was we need to work on ourselves before moving in together. And if you ask me, I don't want to start living with him until he is legally divorced and we are re-married with the whole world knowing about it. That way things are safe isn't it?

 

I have my therapies starting next month (Jan) which means anyway living together is not going to be possible for sometime. I miss him a lot. He mentioned that if everything works out well, we could meet someplace when I'm done with my therapies.

[RoseRen]

Isn't that karma doing it's work?

 

didn't quite catch you.

[sb129]

RoseRen, I missed the part about him abandoning you when you were sick.

 

I can't believe you are still making excuses for this guy.

I don't think he is worth HALF of the heartache and pain he has caused you.

[OWoman]

I have my therapies starting next month (Jan) which means anyway living together is not going to be possible for sometime. I miss him a lot. He mentioned that if everything works out well, we could meet someplace when I'm done with my therapies.

 

Oh Rose you have so much to face right now, it seems downright unfair! Strength for the treatment, and I hope that his divorce proceeds smoothly and without too much heartache and stress for you. Remember this is none of it your fault. You were the victim here. Let your love keep you strong and surround yourself with all the hugs we're sending your way.

[RoseRen]

Let your love keep you strong and surround yourself with all the hugs we're sending your way.

 

That was so sweet of you OWoman Thanks

[White Flower]

Oh Rose you have so much to face right now, it seems downright unfair! Strength for the treatment, and I hope that his divorce proceeds smoothly and without too much heartache and stress for you. Remember this is none of it your fault. You were the victim here. Let your love keep you strong and surround yourself with all the hugs we're sending your way.

(((((((Hugs))))))) from me too.

[RoseRen]

(((((((Hugs))))))) from me too.

 

Thanks WhiteFlower

 

I feel so glad that I joined LS, because I get this feeling that there are people whom I can count on to comfort even if the worst happens.

[whichwayisup]

I'm just wondering how healthy this relationship will be, even if you two get back together. You've been hurt and there's alot of pain - Alot that he inflicted upon you...Not too sure how you'll able to trust him 100%, let alone love him fully with your heart in the future.

 

Stick with therapy, heal yourself...And who knows, maybe once you see things differently you won't be as devastated if it doesn't workout.

[RoseRen]

I'm just wondering how healthy this relationship will be, even if you two get back together. You've been hurt and there's alot of pain - Alot that he inflicted upon you...Not too sure how you'll able to trust him 100%, let alone love him fully with your heart in the future.

 

Stick with therapy, heal yourself...And who knows, maybe once you see things differently you won't be as devastated if it doesn't workout.

 

I really really want this relationship to work out. I'm giving it my best. Let's see what will come off it.

 

If after all this, it doesn't work, I'll be back in LS for all your support.

 

But until then please support me to make it work.

[OWoman]

I really really want this relationship to work out. I'm giving it my best. Let's see what will come off it.

 

If after all this, it doesn't work, I'll be back in LS for all your support.

 

But until then please support me to make it work.

 

I'm with Rose on this one - if it's what she's chosen, then giving it her all and making it work is what she needs to do, and what those who care should be helping her do, rather than questioning her decision and trying to convince her otherwise. It's an informed choice - she has the information, she's making the choice. It would be different if Rose was asking, should I dump the guy or keep him.

 

Which is not to say that asking hard questions isn't constructive - getting someone to reflect on why they feel or want something can help too; but there are some posters who seem disappointed that Rose doesn't want to dump her husband and seem unwilling to accept that her decision to stick with the marriage is from a position of strength, not ot weakness.

 

Strength, Rose - I hope it gets easier on the way forward.